No, means no!!

Hello my fellow bloggers,

I had a horrible experience with one of my male clients just before Christmas.

He came to me for a manzilian. Basically it’s the removal of all pubic hair.  Don’t cringe guys, it’s really popular! 🙂

Since I began waxing I’ve done heaps of men and they have all being really respectful. This particular man was everything but that. He was totally inappropriate and disgusting. The way he made me feel about myself and the whole situation was something no one should have to go through. As I was waxing him he kept touching me in places no one should, not without your permission first. This went on for nearly an hour. I tried to plead with him many times and asked him to stop repeatedly. It was like talking to a brick wall and was exhausting mentally.  He unnerved me so much that my hands started to shake and I struggled to get the wax off. This was purely out of stress, nothing else. Like talking to a child, I asked him if his mother ever taught him what no means? He just smirked at me and continued to harass me. I pleaded with him so many times but it was like the lights were on and no one was home. It was terrifying and I never want to feel like that again. Finally I convinced him to go and then I proceeded to put my wax trolley back against the wall. Thing was he was getting changed on the other side of the bed and I had my back to him. That’s when he grabbed me and put me into the corner of my room and kept trying to kiss me and was constantly groping me. I pleaded again for him to stop and please just go. You see he knew I was alone and no one was with me. Without going into too much detail I finally convinced him to leave. I knew walking in front of him was a risk but I didn’t know what else to do, so I just headed to my front door. That’s when he got desperate and pinned me against the bedroom door and began squeezing my breast hard and running his hands all over me whilst kissing me. I pushed him and turned my face away as much as I was able to, but he was a large man and way stronger than me. I felt sick to the stomach and new I was about to start crying. My right hand got loose from his grip and I managed to open the front door. I have a security screen and it was locked and I was so worried he would just slam the door shut, but he didn’t. I own the back block and I have neighbours just in front. At that point his eyes were flicking from one side to another, as if he was trying to work out his next move. Thankfully for me he must have worried about me screaming for help and decided to unlock the door and go. I was shaking profusely and as soon as he was out of my yard? I quickly hit the button to shut my big electric gate.

The details are too long from there to go into. What I can say is the police took a restraining order out against him on my behalf. I took some time off work and had thought of closing my business down. But, after lots of crying I’ve decided I’m not going to let one creep take away everything I’ve worked hard to get. I’m back working and a lot stronger for it. My gut told me something was wrong with him the first time I saw him and wondered if I should see him again. My problem is I’m too trusting and give people the benefit of the doubt too many times, and then I’m left sorry on many of those occasions. NOT AGAIN!! When that sixth sense tells me somethings not right?? I’m going to listen and act accordingly to my intuition. I was raped when I was 20yrs old and this brought back all those horrid memories that I had tried to bury for so long now. I’ve even blogged about the rape when I first started blogging as a way of getting it our of my head. But this shit head brought it all back and I hate him for it! I know that all sounds harsh but I’m sick of protecting the perpetrators in my life. He’s not the victim…I am!

He’s pleaded not guilty in court and has said that I had touched him inappropriately. Hearing this makes me sick that he can do what he did to me and then turn around and say this about me! I’m going to have faith in the law that they will see him for everything he is…And that’s a predator!!

I’ve gone over the scenarios of what I should have done a thousand times over and over again. What you think you would do and say in these circumstances isn’t always what your capable of doing at the time. Stress and fear take over and your left vulnerable. No, means no and stop? means Stop! As I write this I know all too well how lucky I was to not be raped by this man. Yet, he has left me feeling disgusting about myself and has taken a part of me he had no right to take.

This happened on the 20th December and it’s taken me this long to be able to talk about it and not cry. If you have ever uncounted this or much worse than this? know that you did nothing wrong and these people are just pure evil! That’s all they are, nothing more!!

I hug all of you. Paula xxx

Mental illness

As most of you know,  I’m now a massage therapist.

When I first started researching what would be involved and how much learning there would be, I never read or saw anything that would show the health benefits it would actually bring to me!

I remember the very first massage I did. My shoulders where up high, and the tension I felt due to over concentrating on the moves I had been taught was huge!! My brain was saying to me that it was too stressful, and maybe I should learn something else? God if this was relaxing, how can I feel so stressed?? This isn’t a fun job!! Lol

I knew I had to change my thinking and learn to relax my shoulders and somehow move my body to the movements. You see this is critical in being able to sustain your working life as a therapist, otherwise you can cause an injury to yourself! Game Over so to speak. 🙂

The amount of theory I had to learn was ridiculous, and at times overwhelming. So do I throw all that away? Or, somehow find the confidence to believe in what I had been taught, and know that it’s more than likely just the negative side of me preventing me from going forward.

That’s when I told myself I’m going to forget about the muscle groups, bones in the body etc etc etc. It was time to trust in that whole conscious/unconscious part of the learning we did. And, that’s when the penny dropped and I realised I didn’t have to remember. My brain knew it all I just had to trust in myself.

Then one day it all just felt so natural and peaceful. Yay, is this what it feels like to massage someone!!  My shoulders are down, I move with the movements and each move comes naturally without thinking about it. Finally!! Lol

It’s now been 9 Months and I’m loving it. I’m feeling very relaxed and at ease with myself. God, did I just say my mind is at ease?? So funny because for me personally…this is a massive hurdle to have overcome! 🙂 It even feels weird to say that I’m at peace! 🙂

Going through the ECT treatment I had 1 year ago (Shock Treatment) My ability to remember and retain things was crazy! There was no rhyme or reason to what I remembered.

Kind of like ground hog day everyday for my poor friends and family. How I learnt anything back then still amazes me. I suppose persistence beats resistance, right?

Finally,  what’s this post all about?

You could say it’s about believing in yourself, and not giving up on you! Bipolar is a horrible illness but one made much worse from Ignorance. We will always have those days when everything seems just too hard. But we can also have and lead very productive and fulfilling lives too, just like the rest of our community. I say never give up on you, no matter how many others already have. If today’s too hard? Then try again tomorrow and if it’s still too hard? Try again the next day and so on and so on!!

Remember these words from the Desiderata:  If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

I believe I’m very lucky to have the support, encouragement and love from my family and friends. What I appreciate the most is them not treating me any different from anyone else. You already know your different, you don’t need to be patronized. Unfortunately not everyone that suffers a mental illness has this kind of support.

Maybe you know someone who is depressed, or who is suffering a mental illness? If so, do you realise how powerful your words of support are to them? You can turn an otherwise very dark cold lonely day into one of light ,hope and sunshine.

Praise is the greatest encouragement

These lyrics are so appropriate to those of you who are feeling down. If you get the time? Listen to them… and hopefully they will inspire you!

Much love and hugs to you all. Paula xxxx

Depression Exists

Hello Everyone,

Hope your all having a great week! 

I thought about whether or not to show you my tattoo, and then I remembered I promised to show all parts of my world this year.

So without further ado, welcome to my tattoo. A huge part of my world. 

A lot of tattoos come with their fair share of stories and mine is no different as it holds great meaning to me. I didn’t just wake up and decide I wanted a tattoo at 43. It was after I had survived my attempted suicide nearly 4 years ago that my son mentioned the idea of me getting one. At first I laughed it off, but after loads of thought it started to make complete sense for me to go ahead with it.

You see that day I woke in hospital 4 years ago, I didn’t want to live, not even a tiny bit! I was incredibly unhappy. The lights were on but no one was home. It was like I had lost my soul and I didn’t know where to find it. Darkness surrounded me and all I felt was deep pain and sorrow.  In fact it took 1 month in hospital and 15 ECT’S ( Shock Treatment) to make me realise that I did want to live, I just needed to learn how!

After every tear a person could possibly shed I knew in my heart of hearts I could never let this happen to me again, or put those that love me through such pain and sadness ever again. Unfortunately being Bipolar only makes this even harder to do. Somehow I had to learn to love me and forgive everyone around me that had hurt me so badly when I was younger. The only way I could think of this,  was to tattoo myself to remind myself that that day in hospital when I said I wanted to live? I had to have something that would always remind me of this.

So the fairy reminds me that I made a wish that day to somehow find the will to live. When I’m low it’s a constant reminder to seek help when I’m sliding. I put my Sakura at the bottom as she’s my child and has pulled me through many many dark nights. I needed her close by me as she fills me with unconditional love and strength. She’s much more than a cat to me.

The fairy’s dress being pink was for my favourite colour.  I had them tattoo really bright colours so it was in my face… and boy is it bright, agree?? 🙂

Whenever I’m low?  this is a constant reminder to get help and to do it quickly.

The tattoo is very large and it’s on my right thigh.

Now I realise I was hospitalised in March last year for some of the same reasons, and you could argue the point that it hasn’t really helped me, right? Not true though. It got me through 3 years without being hospitalised. It was me and my psychiatrist that made the decision to hospitalise me last year.  I was extremely suicidal and very close to not being here. But it was the the tattoo that reminded me to seek help. You see I smile when I’m happy and have learnt to hide behind that smile when I’m sad. I learnt this as a child. So it can be really hard for those who love me, as they see me smiling and at times wonder if I’m really happy or not?

Have you or anyone you know, ever had a tattoo to remind you or them of anything? There are many stories behind tattoos and I would love to hear yours.

Hope I haven’t shocked any new readers seeing this huge tattoo on my thigh.

Many hugs to you all, Paula xxxx

I love this.

I saw this on Facebook today and had to post it.

Much love to you all. Hugs Paula xxx

Waxing!

Hello my fellow bloggers,

Following my post about becoming a massage therapist,  I have decided to expand my treatment menu to my clients.

What that will mean is I’ll be offering some beauty services. I’m currently in the process of getting my certificates in :

                                                                                                         

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Full Body Waxing, Brazilian Waxing, Eye-Lash and Eyebrow Tinting and Shaping.

The reason I’ve done this is to bring in more female clients, as 98% of my clients are male.

Now I don’t have a problem with men, not at all. It would just be nice to have more balance between the two.

What does this mean to my family and friends? 

Well, they will become my models once again, only this time there will be more pain involved!! 

Hey, what are families for, right?  🙂

   I have quite a few girls already putting their hands up to be my models for the Brazilian Waxing.  Who would have thought?

Pfft, I’ll be a professional in no time.  Anybody want a waxing from a novice? Hahaha

Have you ever had a Brazilian Waxing, if so, how painful was it?

Have a great week

Hugs to you all. Paula xxx

Have a great weekend!

Hello my fellow bloggers,

 

Hope you all have a relaxing and enjoyable weekend, just like these 2 fury friends. 🙂

Hugs from Sakura and me. Paula xxxx

Massage Therapy!

Hello fellow bloggers! 🙂

I thought I would update you about why I stopped blogging for a while.

Last year I started my massage course to become a massage therapist so I could work from home.  Going from renovating homes to massage therapy may have seemed a little odd, yet not really. To me you look at a house run down and you think of ways to give it life again and look refreshed, right? Well, same theory applies to our bodies. We get so busy and caught up in everyday life that we forget to look after the very thing that’s taking us from A to B…Our bodies! 🙂 We spend money on all sorts of things but forget the most important thing, us! 🙂  So when we do take the time out and get a full body massage, the benefits are incredible.  I love it when someone comes to me tired, stressed, stiff and sore. Why? Because I know at the end of that hour they are going to go away feeling relaxed and rejuvenated! You’ve brought life and energy back into their bodies.

The benefits for me as a therapist are second to none,  as I also get to relax and quieten my mind at the same time! Now being Bipolar this is vital to my own health and well being. I’m lucky that I’ve found something that makes me happy and the client at the same time.

My son tried to convince me that I had to have a Facebook business page… I said it would never happen. Well, I now have one! 🙂  I realised I was too old school and had to get with the 21st century and social media is a huge part of that.

Check out my website he made for me.   http://www.heartofequilibrium.com

When was the last time you had a full body massage? 

Hugs to you all, Paula xxxxx

Have a Great Weekend!

Hello fellow bloggers,

If there’s something I love more than anything…it’s Chocolate!!

So, if your having a bad day…Eat Chocolate!

And if you’ve put on weight? Then eat more chocolate and worry about it later!

Happy Weekend to you all.  🙂

Hugs Paula xxxxx

 

Relationships

Gosh it’s been so long since I posted that I feel I’m hijacking someone elses blog again. 🙂

I actually find it hard to write when I take these big gaps off blogging.  There’s been so many days when I’ve thought, “I might write something today”  before I knew it, the day was over and I had written nothing!

Okay where should i start writing from? Hmm, lets go back to Christmas time.

I had a great day with my family and my partner; actually, this year is the first Christmas my partner and I have spent together.  You see, he lives in one state and I live in another, so having Christmas together was really nice. He fly’s over to me quite a bit, and I fly with him when I can. He has a job that flies him all around the country and therefore he’s never really in one place for very long.

Can you believe it, he nearly didn’t make it for Christmas as he fell off a ladder only days away from Christmas day! I didn’t think he would come but knowing how disappointed I would be, he flew over. Now that’s pretty good considering he was in hospital over night and could barely walk.  His ribs were all bruised and he was really sore, he’s lucky nothing more serious happened to him.

Good news for me is that in the coming weeks he’s moving in with me, we have been together for 17 months now and we feel that we now want to commit to the next level. Oh BTW: I don’t mean marriage! I’m afraid marriage is not for me. Been there done that and I’m not ready to even think along those lines. I left my Ex for all sorts of reasons and one was not trusting him.

Anyway I’ll go back to a happier part of my life and that’s moving in with someone my own age and who I truly love.

I believe we now live in a modern society and I don’t think you need a certificate to prove you love someone. I was once really old fashioned and thought you should marry and you should take the husbands name. Well, not anymore. I have 2 friends that have married and kept their maiden names. I have always thought this was wrong and why bother getting married if you DON’T take their name?  But I now know I was wrong again! They love their husbands just as much as those that take their husbands names, so I suppose what’s the difference?

So many people chose to just live together these days that I don’t think it really matters. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not Condoning the Sanctity of Marriage…Not at all! I just think times are changing and we don’t have to be so set in our ways.

People are more open now and not as judgmental…Which I think this is a good thing! Gosh in the old days you would have been shunned for such a thing. It was a pretty cold and cruel world, especially for woman.
All I can say is thank god for the 21st Century!

In saying that I believe we all need to take the path that best suits us and our own individual needs.  Because at the end of the day Loving someone and someone loving you is not as easy as it sounds, and especially finding someone you trust! So when and if you are lucky enough to find it again, I think you should hang onto it in any way you can.

So, how do you feel about about people living together, NOT marrying, or marrying and NOT taking their husbands names? Or worse, being with someone younger than your own children.  It will be interesting to see how you feel and be completely and utterly honest, I hold no grudges!! Well, So I say!! Lol

Much love to you and Happy Belated New Year to you all! 

Hugs Paula xxxx

Living with a black dog

Hi everyone!

My son’s girlfriend showed me this really helpful guide for people living with depression and people living with people who have depression.
It’s called: “Living with a black dog” and can be purchased here.

The site has other illustrated books that help control other mental illness such as Anxiety, they were written by a man who also suffers and as such they’re much more relatable.

In a collaboration with the World Health Organization, they’ve released a narrated video of the book.
I think everyone should check it out as it’s very insightful and helpful.

Hugs and kisses! 🙂
xoxo