Tag Archives: anxiety

Health Update

Fantasy Fairy

Hey world, how are you all? I have so missed you and your blogs.

Well, I came out of hospital like I said on the last post which was my birthday. I was relieved to be back home with my Sakura and my birds, Pippa and BJ.

I was allowed home on the condition I have maintenance ECT’s once  a week. So I go into hospital every Wednesday, have the ECT on Thursday morning and come home mid-morning. At first I wanted the Doctor to stop them as I had enough, but the truth is I think I need to keep up with them. Why you say? Okay, I’ll tell you! Lol

You see when you have Bipolar, life can be darn right tricky and at times you can be fooled into thinking everything is okay… When really, it’s not. Admitting you have a problem isn’t an easy task, actually far from it. Someone like me, who likes to smile and joke around, finds it difficult to come out and say “I need help”. I tend to keep it hidden deep inside me and it takes all my strength to hold on and not let the negative thoughts take over my head.

I love everyone around me and I have a great support network of people who love me,  but when you’re sliding into the darkness you try hard to not take them with you. In saying that, those around me want me to offload the burden onto them as they feel it will make life easier for me. As mush as I would love to do that, I still haven’t found the courage or the strength to reach out for help and take them into my darkness. There are times when I am alone and cry and ask God if he is real, please save me and let me have peace in my mind just like everyone else. I’m not religious as many of you know, but I’m a good person and feel if he is real he just might answer my prayer and one day make me free from this illness.

When I go into hospital my heart goes out to so many of the people there. We all take life and our health for granted, but what happens when our mental health goes haywire and we are left with this burden of trying to work out what life is all about and where we fit in the big picture of it all! I have a great life, filled with great friends and family, yet when darkness knocks at my door? I can try to ignore it but in the end I’m forced to answer it because the bell won’t stop ringing. So I let it in and then I’m forced to work it all out. Now at first it ignores me and stays swarming all around me, engulfing me in its darkness. But I want – and need – to live, so I have to look deep inside my soul to find the courage and strength to beat the darkness.

I stay away from dark coloured clothes as my Doctor says this is a good thing to do. I love black so I force myself into brighter colours when darkness looks like it could win. Some days it’s all so hard and I just want to sit down and say, No More! If it wasn’t for all the people I love so much I really would just give in. But NO!! I won’t and can’t let those that have loved me so dearly in life feel punished by my death. When we die a part of everyone that has loved us die as well, and that’s not fair.

There are many parts to Paula, and even though she fights the darkness, from time to time another part of her pushes her to keep going because happiness is there and soon it will engulf me and not the darkness. I will be free and happy and this is what keeps me going.

I appreciate every single one of you that has sent me well wishes, and your strength gives me courage to keep going. I am more than someone with Bipolar, I’m a mother to 2 beautiful sons (22 and 30) I’m a sister to 4 brothers and 1 sister, I’m an Aunt to 15 children, Mother Cat to my gorgeous Sakura and my 2 birds 🙂 I’m a friend to many beautiful and wonderful people. And I’m a girlfriend to an amazingly beautiful  man who has stuck by my side through all this ugliness that took over my body and tried to claim my soul. It’s all of these reasons that I’m fighting so hard to keep on track. And I will succeed for I can’t have these people’s lives ruined because I wasn’t strong enough to fight the battle with in.

I felt as if I should share this side of me. This is a blog about Depression, right? I am making myself be honest about my thoughts and feelings, baring myself to you. No one likes talking about Depression, but it’s real and it’s engulfing and terribly ugly. Breathing is like hyperventilating and you wonder how you’ll get that next breath out. It’s cruel and lonely no matter how many people are on your side you feel alone.

To anyone out there suffering in silence, I embrace you and urge you to tell someone, don’t be alone and fight the battle with no one on your side. Reach out to anyone that you trust and ask for help. You’re not crazy because your suffering with Depression – or any other mental disorder… You have just hit a bump in this things we call life. Don’t isolate yourself for you are a wonderful human being that deserves to be here as much as anyone else. Saying you need help is not a weakness, it shows great courage. Don’t give in, for you are worth the fight. I may not know you but I know your pain and feel your sadness. Tomorrow really is another day, so hold on and reach out for help. You’re beautiful and I know that there must be people around you who would support you and be at your side in a flash if they knew that they could lose you. Be strong, and hold on to whatever makes you happy.

Before I go, I just wanted to tell you all that I miss reading all of your blogs. Please forgive me if I don’t get around to answering or reading all your posts. I will do my best, but like I said it’s not a great time for me so I can only do so much right now. I really wanted to just touch base with you all and let you know where my health is at. I will give it my best shot to check out as many blogs as I can. But I’m not sure how far I’ll get. Much love to you all and I’m so grateful to all of you that have stuck by me during this dark time in my life.

Many hugs to you all, Paula xxxxxx

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Filed under Fight Depression, My experiences, My treatments

My Sakura

sakura

Afternoon Everyone!

Well my Sakura has been acting really strange with her food for the past 6 weeks, so I decided to take her to the vet for a check up.

She’s a small cat and I’ve always given her Iaams biscuits and Dine or Fancy Feast wet food every other day. With the Iaams you don’t really have to give wet food but I did it just so she wouldn’t get bored with her biscuits. Unlike many other cats I’ve always been able to leave her bowl full of biscuits because she only takes little bites here and there.

Well lately she has been cutting me off on the way to get her tin food and crying at my feet to go and get more! She never ever does this. The other night I was eating my dinner and she jumped up next to me and nearly took the food out of my mouth! YIKES!! What the, “I thought?” She’s been wormed regularly even though she’s purely an indoor cat.

So off I go to the vet and he tests her urine for Diabetes, and that comes out all clear. Hmmm, okay, “what now?” now you need blood test and maybe she could have a thyroid problem as she’s also lost weight! What my baby lost weight and her mummy didn’t even notice! Bad mummy cat, I am! 🙂  Good news was that her teeth are all good as they thought maybe she had a fracture and that’s why she was by-passing the biscuits. Sigh of relief teeth all good, tick! 🙂

Hmmm so now blood was taken and I have to wait for the results. He’s testing for a few things and I’m just hoping that whatever – if anything – is wrong, that it can be fixed with medication.

BTW: Is a vet the richest profession or what? Lol the tests cost me $350.

But she is worth all my money and more. Crazy how our pets turn us all into children when we talk to them, especially when they are sick or we think they are sick, right? Haha.

Okay, since writing this yesterday and throwing it into my drafts,  my vet phoned and it seems my baby is extreme dehydrated and is refusing to drink to help that. She’s never been a big drinker but I now have to find ways to make her! Try milk, he said. So, I tried milk which she never has had and she actually drank it. Yay!!  So I tried again today and she snubbed it! Booo

Apparently the reason shes cutting me off to get her wet food is that she’s getting the moisture from it. Naughty girl. 🙂

Anyways I’m trying all the things he told me to do and will get her weighed again in 3 weeks to make sure she’s not still losing weight. He said feed her as much as her little heart desires until we can sort this out.

Sadly he thinks she’s under stress from the move even though it’s been 6 months. He said as she’s an indoor cat there could be stray cats coming to the windows when I’m out and that could be causing her stress.  He also said not drinking is almost like self sabotaging herself. 😦  My poor girl is 11 now and I suppose she’s becoming more delicate. 🙂 But it’s too hot right now for her to not drink very much.

So anyone have any tips on getting my princess to drink?

Hugs to you all, Paula xxxxx

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Filed under My experiences, Thinking...

Hello!

 

Bushfire

Hi there everyone, 🙂

Boy was the Christmas break full on with lots of things to do and plenty of drinking… Actually, too much drinking!

I put on about 2 kilos and are now thinking it’s about time to try and send them back to wherever it is they came from. I think they call it the the cake, chocolate, potato chip bourbon county? Not sure exactly where it is but I’m sure some of you have already had run-ins with this community. They love to leave you with a few kilos here and there and take no responsibility for it. I think i need to complain to their lord mayor, does anyone know his or her name?? Hahahaha

Okay I’ll be serious now. 🙂

As many of you know I come from Australia (Oz, or the land Down Under to some) but the city I live in is Perth, Western Australia. For those that don’t know, Sydney and Melbourne are on the East side which are much cooler States than Perth, yet Melbourne has been experiencing extremely high heats lately also! Our world is changing. 🙂 Now we recently had the Ashes (cricket) here and the poor guys had to play in 44 degrees Celsius. Let me tell you, that is scorching hot and not for the faint of heart. Now playing cricket in that and standing around for hours on end? Grueling!  I would take my hat off to them if I had one for their perseverance. And lets not forget their die hard fans that sat in that crowd cheering them on and showing their support.  I say well done to both the Aussies and the English team!! 🙂

A friend of mine took me last week to watch the 20/20 cricket game here at the WACA. Never before going to watch a game I was a little hesitant about what it would be like, but PEOPLE it was awesome!! So much fun and so exciting. The crowd were all so excited and pumped and I love the vibe and how they encourage the crowds to cheer their team on and how they play music in between the shots. It’s so cool and the game is so fast with heaps of 4’s and 6’s been hit into the crowds. If you’ve never been to one and get the opportunity to do so? I say go for it as you won’t regret it! Oh by the way Perth won over Adelaide by 5 runs, it was nail biting exciting stuff! Yet I don’t bite my nails. Hahaha

As for our weather here? It’s been hot hot hotter and then warm warm warm. Lol We have had some terrible fires that have left many homeless here in Perth but like all good cities the people have come out in their droves to support the needy in anyway they can. Losing your home would be horrific yet I still can’t help but feel for all the wildlife and domestic animals that don’t make it through these horrific fires. Just thinking about it makes you sad. Melbourne has also experienced some terrible fires lately. You know the bit that really grates on me? It’s when you find out that the fires have been lit deliberately. I know a lot of  these people are pyromaniacs and are very ill and are in need of help, but they truly have NO idea of the damage to so many lives they have ruined. They should be made to go and apologise to every single person they have affected and listen to their story and see the damage for themselves. Look in to the eyes  and see the pain and suffering they have inflicted to someone who more than likely never hurt another soul before and is now being punished for someone else’s stupidity! Then go into therapy and get help!!

And then the polar opposite to the other side of the world has been flooding storms and extremely cold temperatures. I suppose the whole world climates are changing and I don’t know if it’s to do with global warming or not, anyone have an opinion as to what’s going on in our beautiful world? 🙂 Would being kinder to our planet make a difference or is mother nature always going to have her way with Planet Earth, regardless? Hmmm the mind ponders so let’s see what you have to say?

I shall be off now so have a great week and many hugs to you all. Paula xxxxx

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Filed under My experiences, Thinking...

Depression Exists

Depression exists, but why?

I ask myself this question over and over again, everytime I fall into darkness.

Today I fell apart after talking to my stepfather.
One thing lead to another and before I could even catch myself, I had started to fall. It’s kind of like seeing yourself in slow motion but not being able to do anything about it.
Just when I think I’m happy and strong, something always blind-sights me and knocks me down.

Not only is my stepfather in a bad way, but someone I love more than life itself is also deeply hurt and suffering right now.
I can’t say who out of respect for this person, but I have to be strong as he needs me more than ever right now. Holding your own pain inside whilst helping someone else with theirs can be so hard, but this isn’t about me. This is about being strong for someone who loves me deeply and needs me to stay the course, so I have to hide how I’m feeling and sometimes it’s so hard to do. When you love someone the way I love this person, it cuts to the very core of your being when they are drowning in their own sorrow and there’s not a lot you can do. So, what will I do?
I will listen and listen intently and be there night and day for them. If I could cut myself and bleed away their pain? I would, but life isn’t like that. We all have our own paths and journey to take and mine is to love that person and show them that I care and will always be there, no matter what!

I have to take a deep breath and hide my own pain in this situation, but it’s really hard this time!

Why?

Because smiling doesn’t help when your crying on the inside AND outside there’s nothing left to give, you feel broken. Life IS beautiful and I know better than to let my past control me, but sometimes I just can’t control my thoughts; especially when certain situations arise and take me back to them.
Darkness and negativity are strong and at the time the light just isn’t in your reach. You reach for it only to be pulled back down drowning in your own thoughts.

Depression is real but I know that happiness is too, but sometimes it eludes me and I feel alone. I know I’m not but at the time its very cold and lonely, especially when you can’t talk about it. I wear my heart on my sleeve but the deep dark thoughts are just that…Deep!

Loneliness isn’t always about having no one in your life, because I have many that love me and I’m grateful for all their love. Since I was little girl, abused and then raped at 20 I’ve struggled with an internal loneliness. I can be in a group of people smiling and joking but inside I’m distant and wanting to hide from everyone.
It is like wanting to be in a bubble that no one can penetrate or hurt you.

Sakura (my cat) as many of you will already know has stayed close by me and hugged into me. Even now she’s on my lap as I’m typing.
She gives me unconditional love and I would be lost without her, having an animal around you when you get depressed is very soothing and comforting.

Depression isn’t a sign of weakness, I think you’ve just fallen off lifes tracks and need to get back on. Kind of like falling off a horse and having to get back up and ride again, so fear doesn’t take over.

Fear: False Evidence Appearing Real

This is what we have to tell ourselves when our world feels like it’s caving in on us. Look at what is real now and leave your past behind, that’s why it’s the past…it’s gone and that’s where it needs to be in order for us to move forward.

Giving in is easy, fighting’s the hard part! But we are all worth fighting for, right? And I want this person to fight for me and all the people that love and need them as I do!  The thought of losing them kills me and whilst I still breathe …I won’t ever allow this to happen. It just can’t happen.

When you’re Depressed ….Don’t isolate yourself when the depression is strong, you need to keep connected with those that love you. If your down remember they are too. When you can’t eat? They can’t eat. When you don’t sleep? They don’t sleep. When you cry? They cry too!

Be brave and hang in there!

Tomorrow is another day, so close your eyes and let all the pain and sadness that you may be feeling drift away; even if it’s just for a night so you can start again tomorrow. One day at a time, I strongly believe this and live by this principle. You can do it, believe in yourself, stay strong and hang onto that one thing that keeps you connected. You are worth more than you realise to so many people. May the universe, your inner self or your god give you the strength you need to get through this hard time.

Just a side note: Many people come to my blog but don’t comment. Depression isn’t something people like to talk about, but I know you’re there and I hug you and understand your struggles. Stay strong and feel loved and worthy, because you are! Whatever has hurt you and for whatever reason your depressed right now, you will get through it. It wont be easy but remember: ALWAYS  find something that makes you smile, anything!!  the sun, moon, hell even chocolate, I’m serious it’s a great pick me up! your pet, your partner, anything, anything at all!!  When your down I know it’s easier said than done, but if you can? Wow it changes everything. Stay strong and believe in your own self worth. You are beautiful and worth fighting for always remember that!

I’ve been away in Tasmania for the past week and was going to post about it, but this has kind of taken a back seat from what’s just happened. I needed to write this to get it out of my head and to stay strong. I love this person more than life and without them in my life I wouldn’t survive. So I’m venting my hurt to the world.

I’ll post photos soon of Tasmania as I need to stay hopeful and happy.

Hugs to you all, Paula xxxxx

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Mental Illness

mental-illness-art-a3ce9bb6a9a7cdbcMental Illness. Instantly, this phrase can make someone nervous.

Why do you think it’s still like this in the 21st century?

We all know some of the obvious reasons – for example, the way mental illness is portrayed in many Hollywood movies. One Who Flew over The Cuckoo’s Nest, Black Swan, Sucker Punch, Girl, Interrupted; Fight Club… The list goes on.

But isn’t it talked about more often and people are more open than was once the case? I wonder, what makes someone scared? Maybe they think the person with schizophrenia is going to come at them with a knife because they saw it once on the news? Or maybe they will become some kind of poltergeist and their head will start spinning? How far from the truth! I imagine they just want you to treat them like everyone else. Imagine how hard the diagnosis alone is? And then for someone to be segregated as a result of that diagnosis?? Wow, how crushing!!

What about the Depressed person, who you think is always moaning and down. Why not put your arms around them and let them know that you’re there if they need you. Don’t try to avoid them; maybe just listen to what they have to say… Not just wait for them to finish and run away, but really listen! Sometimes that’s all someone needs. They aren’t failures or losers because they’re Depressed. Depression is very real and it’s not in their heads. If they could make it go away, they would! They want to laugh and smile again just like everyone else. They are lost and broken and need someone to help get them back on track. Whether that be by therapy, medication, love and understanding, or all of them…. Whichever the case they will get there with your love and support. You know anyone can be caught in the stronghold of depression at some point in their lives. Your one gesture of love and understanding? It can change their whole day and world! Show them love and kindness. Everyone needs love and understanding, right?

It baffles me that some members of society still judge this way. I suppose there are those that suffer greatly and at times have to be hospitalised and stabilised as a result of their mental illness, but usually this is a result of someone stopping their medication/s, or that they just need their prescriptions adjusted. I suppose when someone witnesses these turns, it frightens them and I can understand that, but again a little bit of love and understanding goes a hell of a long way to helping their recovery.

Lets take the word Normal. Can someone please explain what that means?? Not what the dictionary says, but what in REAL LIFE does this word mean?

What you think is Normal another person doesn’t! So, who is right and who is wrong?

Bipolar Disorder – You know one minute we are flying high and no one can touch us, next we come crashing down and need someone with big hearts and open arms to catch us. Sometimes we don’t see the fall until it’s too late. That’s when the climb back up to the top can be exhausting. We become our biggest enemy. Everyday we have to find something to smile about or we drown. We are just like you, but some days we stumble and need love and understand to get us back up.

OCD-Obsessive Compulsive Disorder this can be so debilitating for so many people. Yet some people make fun of this. But why? Have they had it? Do they even understand the trauma the person goes through on daily basis? They know it’s not NORMAL, but they can’t help it. It’s what makes them feel normal!

Take Anxiety Disorder, it’s crippling and yet anyone can be caught in its grip at some point in their lives. Very successful people can suffer with this. In no way does the label define the person. Breathing is like hyperventilating and you feel that you are going to pass out. Or worse, you shallow breathe and feel like you’re drowning in your own breath. You’re looking for the positives but all you see is negativity. A mole hill becomes a mountain of Everest proportions! You try to get a hold of it and then it just pulls you back down. Again, people just need your understanding and compassion.

Now this is a tricky one: Anorexia/Bulimia The things these people suffer in their daily lives are horrendous. The way they see themselves can make you cry. I’ve had both of these in my life and let me tell you, they are crippling! They/we do not see what you see. Why do magazines glorify us human beings? We aren’t perfect so why are we always looking for perfection in our bodies. We are attracted to all sorts of different body shapes, right? So, why do we think slim and perfect is the answer? Where does this come from? Even to this day as small framed as I am… I dislike my body. Actually that’s an understatement!!  It’s wrong and I know that, but trying to get this one in my head is like extracting a tooth! 🙂 Beauty is but skin deep, so how does this happen?

You know there are so many disorders out there – these are just some that people face daily.

Please don’t be afraid of what you don’t understand. These people are Normal. They just struggle at times and need your love and understanding. Not anyone’s judgement.

To all those out there that suffer with any kind of Mental Illness? I reach out and hug all of you and understand your daily struggles. We are a lot stronger  than people realise. We fight our demons every day and somehow pull through. Maybe your faith gets you through or the love and support of family and friends. Whatever the case may be, we get there. Be proud of who and what you are and what you have achieved. Never compare your achievements to another, as there will always be those greater, as well as those less fortunate. Stay strong and believe in you, for you are a beautiful soul and deserved to be loved and respected like every other human being.

Remember WE ARE  like everyone else and just want to be accepted for who we are. Our diagnosis DOES NOT define us as a person.

We can only hope it helps others understand, that some days we will struggle. And if we fall? Give us a helping hand and we will get back up and try again tomorrow. You know just that little bit of help love and understanding from those around us? We can get there! Maybe not to what you think is normal, but to what’s achievable and realistic to us. Just love us for who we are and we will love you back as you are!

I really do love our blog family/community and to you all, I for one appreciate the love understanding and friendship that you all have shown me and to those in need here on WordPress!

You have no idea how much you make a difference. That one gesture of love and understanding you show, can make that persons day and life a whole lot brighter!

WORDS ARE POWERFUL!!

Love and hugs to the whole community! Let’s not be afraid of what we don’t understand.

Hugs to you all, Paula xxxxx

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Filed under Fight Depression, Thinking..., What irks me

Eating Alone…

IMG_20130830_162809_466

Okay, this whole single life thing isn’t that bad…  But there are a number of things to get used to. One of the big adjustments? The whole eating alone ordeal! Lol

Shopping for one person is a whole new experience for me. Yikes! I go to the supermarket and want to throw all this cool stuff in my trolley and then realise… Who’s going to eat it? Lol

I eat a high protein low carb diet. But days like today, my body craved the carbs and so I made a bowl of penne and just threw olive oil and salt on it. I know that sounds terribly bland but I kind of listen to what my body wants, and that’s what it asked for!

So, to avoid the whole over-spending on items I’m not going to eat, I have decided to do the majority of my shopping at the food markets. This way I’m only buying healthy food and not tempted by all the rubbish foods in the big supermarkets.

BTW: I love rubbish food but my hips don’t seem to agree! 🙂

Being 45 it’s not like when I was younger and can just throw whatever junk food down my mouth and still be thin. I actually have to work at staying slim. So not fair, this aging thing! 🙂

I still believe we can eat everything, as long as it’s in moderation.

Problem is, if you open up a bag of chips? Who’s going to stop at just a few?  Not I said the lady in the back row! Lol Or was it me who is typing this? Okay, it’s me! 🙂

The other bonus about not doing all the shopping in the big supermarkets is I will save a heap of money. You see I’m the person they pay millions of dollars to get into the psyches of our brains and make us think we need that sticky tape at the end of the checkout… Ohhhh and lets not forget the blu tack, egg rings, tongs, and any other junk thing they cleverly place within my line of vision!

I’m onto you Marketing companies. You’re attacking this Bipolar woman who  thinks she needs to buy everything! Or  just maybe it’s my weakened mind. Lol

One last thing. I’ve always like eating at the dining room table. Well, my table seats 8 people and when just 1 person sits there? You feel like a loner! Lol

Sakura sits in the chair opposite me and just waits till I’m finished and then she hops down. Actually the music keeps me company! Lol  So, I thought I might start eating in front of the T.V. It feels better, yet wrong at the same time!

The table can be just be used when I have guests for dinner. 🙂

So, any shopping tips or quick healthy recipes anyone wants to share? Remember cooking for 1. And in no shape or form am I a gourmet cook!
I’m an apprentice! LMAO 

Love and hugs to you all. Paula xxx

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Filed under My experiences

My Own Bed

my sleepover bed

My Sleepover Bed

 

I’ve always had this thing where I’ve had to go back home to my own bed. I could be an hour away from home, but still I insist on returning to my own bed.

My husband didn’t really drink, so he was always the nominated driver. For me, being the drinker, this worked out well! 🙂

Now I’m single I’m really noticing how obsessed I am about having to sleep in my own bed. No no not already off in some stranger’s bed doing strange things with him. Or am I? LMAO

Meaning I go out to dinner, or out with friends. Everyone asks me to stay so I can have a few drinks and not lose my licence. Australia is huge on catching drunk drivers – and so they should be! But here the limit is 0.5 which can be 1, 2 or 3 drinks depending on what you’ve eaten, whether you normally drink alcohol etc. I’m small framed and a drinker, so I would say I’m the 2 drinks girl.

Recently, my mum suggested I sleep over. My brain went into panic mode – that “no no no… That’s not possible… retreat retreat!!!” Lol

But she convinced me to stay, so there I was. And it wasn’t that bad… Apart from the fact that I drafted this post at 4.30am!  Haha did I mention I’m a bad sleeper?!

Since then, I have been asked to sleep over at my brother’s place, and then a girlfriends… And of course said, no thank you!

But I am thinking about changing. Maybe I should have my going-away-from-home-stay-over-night-bag at the ready on occasion.  🙂 This way, I can relax and have a few drinks and look forward to the adventures of sleeping in foreign beds… Ooor maybe not sleeping! Lol

Now am I the only one that feels like this… Or are there others like me? Do you have to sleep in your own bed… No matter what??

Hugs to you all and Happy Sleeping!! 🙂

Paula xxxx

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Filed under My experiences, What irks me

Depression Exists

angel

This post is in support of the people I follow – and also the people that follow me – who are suffering deeply with Depression right now:

For those out there that are struggling to cope with their Depression. You know who you are, and of course I would never mention any of you. But I want you to know that although you feel alone and people on WordPress aren’t in the physical world with you, they are there in spirit.
Keep reaching out, keep writing; write about everything. Especially, write about the ugliness that you are feeling. It needs to get out of your head and thrown into the universe. If we hold it all in something has to give, and it has the potential to lead to a breakdown.
I wish some of you could seek therapy. You would see just how free your mind and life can be. Someone to listen to you that’s not there to judge you… Just help you in any way they can to make you well again. However I understand how the prospect of therapy can be daunting/too difficult so I won’t push the point.

Depression isn’t pretty. It’s ugly, lonely, dark and cold. You don’t have to write that the world is beautiful. Let those that have more strength than you right now shine their light down onto you. Don’t push them away, reach out and take their hand. Even if it’s just for a short while. We all have to come up for air, then lay back down and try again tomorrow!

Reading some of your posts lately has taken all the strength and energy in me to not break down crying myself. Actually some of them I couldn’t help but shed a tear. It seems that there are so many of you struggling right now that I feel I have to write something in support for you all. I write now for you, and also for me – it helps to write, to get it out of my head.

I’ve been where you are now and I know what strength it takes to pull through. But you can do it. Believe in yourself. You are beautiful.

Baby steps. One day at a time. Suicidal thoughts and believing that you are ugly and useless are crippling. Don’t judge you by the way you say you look, judge by based on the beautiful soul that you are inside. I’ve said before there are some beautiful looking people in this world that are very ugly on the inside. Right now, the outside is just what’s protecting the beautiful you inside. Let go of all that hurt and the outside will soon start to sort itself out. Love it again and see what happens. I care very much about you and many others here on WordPress do to! Don’t let the Depression win. You are all worth fighting for, so fight back with great strength and courage.  Don’t let people put you down, even when they are family.  No one in this world is worthless, we all have a place and reason for being here. What that reason is… I don’t know. It’s up to all of us to learn that one ourselves.

I know it’s easier said than done… I really do! But I also know it can be done, because I did it.
I was lost in oblivion and never thought I would find my way back, but I did. And I really believe that you can too.
Find a reason. Just one reason. Find the reason that makes you get up every morning, and slowly the rest will fall into place.

There is no magical pill or cure. It’s about finding strength within ourselves and the belief that we are not failures, we  have just veered off our tracks. We can suffer Depression for all sorts of different reasons, but at the end of the day, we feel the same. We just want to be able to breath again without feeling like we’re drowning. Sometimes the tiredness outdoes the strength and willpower to get through. But you will find it, believe in you!! Remember, time heals everything.

Depression is REAL it’s not in your head. Fight it and never give up on YOU!

You deserve to be happy and to be loved just like every other human being out there. Don’t let anybody tell you any different!!

If I could teleport myself to each and everyone of you as I read your cries for help? I would. But that’s not possible, so all I can say, is I hear you and feel you. Stay connected with people in any way you feel you can. Don’t hide yourself away, you will only feel worse in the long run. I wish I had an answer for you all, but I don’t. All I can do is send you love.

Take care of you.

Hugs to you all, Paula xxxx

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Children/Grandchildren part 1

Children at beach

My son made me a grandmother at 38. I know I know what you’re thinking – crazy, right?

It wasn’t all his fault. I was a teenage mum,  so it was a possibility.  He married at 21 and has 2 beautiful boys. Yes, I am biased …I’m the nana!! Lol

As a grandparent you get the privilege of seeing life differently. You get to love them play with them, and then hand them back to their parents. The love and bond of a grandparent is so special. Your relationship is almost outside the realms of parenting, so you are able to connect differently. Letting the parent do all the parenting can be hard at times, but it’s not our job to interfere (with obvious exceptions). Even I have learnt this one!

What you did as a parent you may no longer think  your children should do to their children. Like smack or yell, or make them eat all their food. Which is okay, but I think parenting has kind of gone a little off the tracks a little.  Meaning, a small smack on the hand instantly when they where wrong. Not 20 minutes later. never hurt our kids at all, or even us when we were little. You knew you were in the wrong and just accepted it and made sure not to do it again. Now this one doesn’t always work! Lol    Sometimes I think we liked the smacks!! lol Maybe some even grew up liking bondage? Lol

Being bought up strict can have its advantage and disadvantages. But we knew right from wrong, got smacked when we didn’t and learnt to respect our elders.

Life changes though and I think that to a certain degree we have to go with that change and new knowledge that parents have today. In a way I think ignorance was bliss. You didn’t have to think every five minutes if you were doing the wrong thing. You just got on with things.

Being a parent is not an easy job and it’s a thankless one at that. I think even the best parents in the world end up with one or more of their kids saying, they hated this or that about their life. Your kind of damned if you do and damned if you don’t. You see those adoring faces looking up at you and think they will stay that way forever. But no, there comes the day you are no longer everything to them and it’s your fault for not letting them go out and have underage fun! God we are killjoys!! Lol

Tomorrow I will discuss what else I have learnt as a parent.

Hugs to you all….Paula xxx

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Do We Say Sorry And Mean It??

im-sorry

Do we  say sorry and mean it?

Have you ever being sorry for something and wished you could take that moment back? You more than likely have as it’s human nature to make mistakes… Or poor choices!

But we can’t get that moment back because it’s already in the past. Like that, see, it’s gone, we are now in the future, whoops it’s gone again and again.. Bugger, missed it again! Okay you get my point. lol

We say sorry but sometimes sorry isn’t enough for some people to let it go. I suppose your forgiveness is measured by what kind of pain or disappointment you caused the person or persons.

I thought of this one a lot lately and I’ve come to the conclusion that sorry is but a word. (Feeling regret, compassion, sympathy, pity etc) But are we sorry to them or just sorry for our own self pity, regret etc?  Do we really mean it when we say sorry or are we doing it with our fingers crossed behind our backs?

Actions speak louder than words so therefore when our actions are poor choices judgement etc, you can’t blame someone for not trusting in your being sorry. So how do you regain trust? Do you spend hours trying to justify yourself or do you let it go and move forward?

I’ve decided that moving forward is the best thing. When your fingers aren’t behind your back and you are genuinely sorry, what more can you do or say to make that person believe that you mean it. Actually I don’t think you can… Trust is something earned and once you lose that trust it’s very hard to get it back. You may know you mean it, but the other persons hurt is just too deep.

You have to let it go as it only pulls you down and makes you feel bad; almost like grieving in some kind of strange way. The past is but the past and the future is here and now. Learning from our mistake is whats important and taking responsibility for it. So move forward and have no regrets, as guilt is a wasted emotion!

Have you ever said or done something and wished you could take it back??

Hugs and love to you all……Paula xxx

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