Depression Exists

Hey fellow bloggers, hope all is well with you all! 🙂

You probably have noticed that I’ve commented on some of your posts, but once again have neglected my own blog.

I did say I was ready to return to blogging and that I had most of my life all sorted, but the truth is I suppose it takes longer to fully recover than I realized, or at least wanted to accept!

To go through what I did was pretty horrific and to be honest I think I was being a little optimistic about my recovery. To return to everyday life seems easier than it really is, the fact that I had become suicidal and was put into hospital isn’t really that traumatic to me; now I know you’re all going: “WHAT THE”, right? 🙂 I’ll explain, you see being Bipolar can come with many things the average person doesn’t have to cope or deal with, unfortunately some of us were just genetically dis-positioned right from the beginning.
For me, it’s not rare for my brain to think suicidal thoughts; the difference is knowing when or if you’re going to act on them. There are many people with Bipolar that deal with this, not just me and I truly feel for them. At times I can get confused with what exactly I’m thinking and at what level is the depth of that thinking, is my brain just obsessing and playing with the idea?
Can I reason with it, can I ignore it, or am I going to push the limit to see how far it will take me to the darkness?

My brain almost plays with the idea, it’s like a continuous questioning inside my brain and yet there isn’t any right or wrong answer, that’s the part that scares me. Damned if I do and damned if I don’t. Kind of like having schizophrenia, yet you don’t actually have schizophrenia. It’s like this constant chatter and questioning of yourself.

When I get really bad, my mind almost dares me to do it and once again all rational thinking is gone out the door! Life for me growing up was very traumatic and I had many bad things happen; although I am safe now and nobody can hurt me anymore, my brain when unwell, plays the bad events over and over. Some so much so, that I can’t cope and all I want to do is go to sleep… but I don’t ever want to wake up. I often wondered: is it today, or will it be tomorrow that I can no longer keep fighting the darkness.

My doctor has told me I’ve climbed mountains in my life and made it to the other side, that the past can no longer hurt me; I know he’s right, but at the time that is NOT what my brain tells me!
I suppose you could call me a working progress and believe me I can’t wait for the day when my past no longer controls my present!

I have a lot to live for, but when this happens to me I can’t see how to get there. This is why I’ve had shock treatment in the past, it works much more effectively and quicker than anti-depressants to stop the suicidal thoughts.

So what was so horrific about me going to hospital? It was the fact that I WAS about to act on those feelings and had lost all reasoning inside my brain and all I wanted to do was give up on life. Everything felt too hard when all I wanted was peace and happiness, but it wasn’t there because my past continues to plague me, the problem is; I don’t like to talk about what’s going on in my brain when this happens. For two reasons: One, I don’t won’t to worry anyone and Two, I struggle to let people in and I shut down.  If it wasn’t for my boyfriend insisting I went to my Psychiatrist, I wouldn’t even be here to write this. That’s how bad I was. Once again the past had taken control of my brain and I wasn’t able to stop it.

When I’m in remission: life is grand and everything has it’s place and I smile from morning till night, but when I become unwell, all logic flies out the door!  To me there’s nothing but obstacles and it’s at this point when I need all the love, help and understanding I can get! When this happens to me, I believe it’s not really me; it’s that little girl that gets lost inside my brain and she can only see the darkness which terrifies her, and she becomes frightened all over again. The past becomes the present, and the present seems like a distant dream.
She cries on the inside and smiles on the outside, because that’s how she survived the trauma; nobody could hear or see her pain and so she learnt to hide it. This pain went on for years before she finally got strong enough to say, no more! Yes, I am now a woman but I think there’s a part of me that’s broken and I must find peace for that girl inside or she will always be broken.

Life is definitely better than it was for me in March of this year and I’m thankful to everyone that has loved me so much to get me to this point, everyone deals with all kinds of hurtful things in their lives and I suppose we just have to work through one thing at a time. We have to forgive those that have hurt us so badly and somehow find an inner peace within ourselves. The past is the past and we have to look forward to the future or we will never really find true happiness.
Their poison will keep festering within our souls and bleed through our veins, so we must flush the poison out.

If you have dealt with trauma or know someone who has? I hug you and my heart truly feels for you. We have to try and move forward  to a bigger brighter more peaceful future.

Those that have hurt us have already robbed us of so much so lets not allow them take anymore, we all need to take back control of our own lives and destiny. A life where they no longer control us or our thoughts.

Remember, What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger! Believe in you and how strong you are to have made it to today, and every other day before that. You may not feel strong, but you are! You are reading this which tells me you are looking for ways to heal yourself and that’s how it starts, people say to forgive and forget; I say forgive, but never forget because we must remember to never allow anyone like that into our lives again. Trust is not given it’s earned, I wish you well in your quest for happiness and to heal yourself. May the universe or your god keep you safe and give you the life you truly deserve; One free of pain and suffering.

Right now I’m reading a book called:  8 Keys To Safe Trauma Recovery
By Babette Rothschild

My Dr recommended it to me. If you feel like reading a self help book on Trauma Recovery it’s not bad. 

Those that follow me regularly, please do not worry as I am healing and doing all the right things.

Exercise is the main one and believe me it works. Those happy endorphin’s are running through my blood. 🙂

I wish you peace love and happiness.

Hugs to you all, Paula xxxxx

Երջանկության շքերթը աշխարհով մեկ | The worldwide parade of happiness

Morning from Oz, everyone! 🙂

I had to reblog this video clip from Arlen’s blog called, Happy!
I love this song sooooo much. So listen to it and groove along to the music. Happy Monday!! Hugs Paula xxxxx

Being happy with the real you.

It doesn’t matter where you start or come from, the end result is your choice.

Hello everyone, hope you’re all feeling good.

I was watching T.V the other night and they were interviewing this woman called, Chrissie Swan.

She first got her fame in 2003 on our Big Brother show where she was runner up; since then she has had fame from a T.V show called, The Circle and since then has moved into radio where she is DJ on 3AW in Melbourne with Jane Hall.
People doubted them and didn’t think they would make it, but they have done amazingly great for a 2 girl duo.

Now Chrissie is a very beautiful woman but has been cyber bullied on social media for being voluptuous.

Are we really that shallow that we would cyber bully someone for not being the size we think they should be? No, we should not!! We have no right to pick on someone for their lifestyle choices.

Larger sized people feel bad enough as it is, because somehow society has made them feel less beautiful than a small framed person. You love someone for what’s inside not what they look like, right? Of course if you know someone is overweight and they want your help to help them lose weight, you would. You would support them in anyway they needed, but that wouldn’t make you love them less, right? Because if it did, you never truly loved them at all!

For years we have all been made to feel inferior for one reason or another. So the last thing you need is someone judging you for your weight.

Do you know what? I was a size 8 and now I’m a size 10, I’m back on the treadmill so if I don’t lose weight I will atleast tone my figure. Now a size 10 is still not that big, yet to me it makes no difference. I always feel bad about myself; as a young teenager I was tiny and very fit, yet this meant nothing to me. I could always find something to pick on myself about. I know It’s wrong, really wrong, but this was my way of life. I swung from Anorexia to Bulimia! I think self-loathing I was queen at and I never saw what anyone else saw in me.
The more they told me I was beautiful or thin, the worse I got; It’s an illness and one not so easily dismissed. To this day I struggle with how I feel about the real me, meaning Paula, the one that hides behind her smile. 🙂 To this day, mentally when I’m not 100% the first thing i pick on is my weight.
I’ve been this way for all my life, you see, having Bipolar you learn that life can be tricky and at times cruel to you; and sometimes for no real apparent reason, it just is!.. So when you see someone beautiful like Chrissie get cyber bullied because of her size, you can’t help but speak out.

She’s a working mum with 3 small children and it pains me to see what she’s endured. I’m going to throw it out to the universe as Chrissie will never read this but from me to you… I apologise for the ignorant people that cyber bullied you. You are beautiful.

To anyone out there that has issues with your weight: Firstly, I hug you and wish you well in whatever YOU choose to do about it. It’s your body, no one elses or anyones business! You are beautiful and this is what we have to keep telling ourselves!
Beauty is but skin deep, I’ve met some beautiful looking people in my time that are completely ugly on the inside.
We need to start loving ourselves, (not in a vain way) but in an acceptance way and hopefully the rest will come in time. You/We all deserve to be on this earth and the most important thing my mum has taught me about this, is, What someone thinks of me is none of my business!

There will always be the egotists out there, so let them be and walk on by.

Love and many hugs to all of you, no matter what size you are!!

Hugs to you all and I hope you’re all happy cherrie and well. Mwaaah

Paula xxxxx