Monthly Archives: September 2012

Me Time

My husband left last Saturday for Phuket. A boys only golf trip.

The winner gets a Trophy and gets to wear the Winning Blazer thingy. Also, the winner gets to choose the destination for the next year’s trip. The guys love it and they get to do all that male bonding stuff. I’m sure it’s along the lines of a what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas! type of thing:)

I met my husband when I was 30 and he was 51. We actually got married in Vegas. Boy do I love Vegas!

Anyway the age thing didn’t really seem that great , but as we’ve both got older it  now sounds it:) When he would go away, I would be sooo jealous that I would stomp around the house and be very short with him days before he would leave on his business trip. Jealousy is a curse and if you let it, it can tear your mind apart. The gift I get with each birthday isn’t about presents, but about the fact that I become more and more tolerant and calmer each year.

Now I look forward to the Me Time as much as he looks forward to his time. Everyone needs personal space even its just for a couple of hours. Especially if you’re a fulltime carer or something like that to someone demanding. You definitely need time out.

Sometimes I can be full on and my mind goes 100 miles an hour and I expect everyone around me to keep up. Kind of like, So, you’ve finished your coffee? Whats next… Let’s just relax?… Relax… What for?… Because, because why? When I get like that  I find things to amuse myself, so I don’t drive everyone crazy. Yes there are days when no matter what someone says, you don’t want to leave the safety of your home…your little nest:) That’s when you have to be kind to yourself and not make a mountain over a mole hill:) It’s just another negative day and tomorrows another day. Hopefully a better one!

So what have I been doing whilst he’s been gone? Yes!!!!! Not cooking, much to my 20 year old’s distaste. (lol)
So tonight I’m taking him to the casino for dinner. Not sure if that for his benefit or mine? Probably mine! 🙂

Had a beautiful night out with my sister and spent the next day just hanging out. Her partner is part of the boy crew:)

Not been to bed until 3.30-4am every night. Whoops! I mean day:)  I feel like a naughty child, as if I’m going to be sent to bed if I get caught!

I’m currently watching the Tudor Series. Jonathan Rhys Meyers plays the part of Henry brilliantly… and God is he handsome!

Tomorrow I’m going to our country property to see my grandsons and hug my Llama Teco. Margie still won’t let me touch her… We have this understanding where we show our love through eye contact. lol. I am looking forward to starting a new book as well: An Affair Before Christmas, by Eloisa James.

As for the coming weekend had a great offer to go to a strip club with a  single girlfriend and some of her gym friends… But.. No thanks! at 44 if some gorgeous hunky (more than likely gay) guy touches me, I’d probably pass out.lol

I hope you get some me time:)

xx

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Decreasing medication

Okay it may not seem the smart thing to do, but each person to their own!

I’m in a good place mentally and I feel now is the time to give it a go…

You see my weight gain has been driving me crazy, and I know I’m not alone out there! So, what to do? Yes I go up and yes I go down… even whilst taking medication. Does it make bi-polar symptoms less intense?  Sure! But at what cost?

NIGHTMARES, WEIGHT GAIN, CRAVINGS, SLEEPING TOO LONG, OR NOT LONG ENOUGH?  FORGETFULNESS, LIGHT-HEADEDNESS, VAGUENESS, LACK OF SEX DRIVE (yep! not much happening there), I FEEL DISTANT… I could go on and on, and on…………..

Being mentally healthy is at the forefront of all my decisions, for myself and for my family. But then, I have been through a great deal in my life  without being medicated, and somehow always made it through.

So, over a 2 week period, I weened myself off the Lithium. My psychiatrist appointment is in 2 weeks, so I shall inform him then. He’s actually very good and isn’t one of these doctors that lectures you about staying on your meds forever and ever…. Staying mentally healthy isn’t just about medication!

If I feel I’m getting too high or too low and can’t control it, then I’ll re-think the Lithium.

Now, Seroquel:

Seroquel is a great med for me. Yes, it has its disadvantages but unfortunately I need a least one med to keep me balanced. BUT it’s time  Seroquel  takes a little backseat as well. I have now decreased it to 200mg at night. Not much at all.

How am I feeling? Not brilliant but not bad… My bloating is going down and my weight is no longer increasing. In 2 weeks I’ve gone from 60 kilos to 58 kilos. Who Cares? I do! Does it make me feel mentally happier? Hell Yes!

What some doctors and heath professionals seem to forget is that whilst all the meds are there to keep you mentally healthy, they underestimate the mental stress that weight gain causes. It plays Hell with your mind.

Looking our best is a major part of how we feel about ourselves. That’s not vanity, it’s pride.

So I wait and monitor myself. Eat well, stay focused, stay positive, go for walks, and don’t beat myself up about everything… Not everyday is going to be a happy day. Life’s full of ups and downs, even for the mentally healthy. Don’t let anxiety rear its ugly head. Breathe…

Don’t take life too seriously and stay happy and healthy. (Healthy body… healthy mind.)

I’ve decreased my meds before and have been successful. My older post on medication will show you how many meds I once took.

I shall be Victorious!!!!!!

Sorry I couldn’t help myself I’ve just finished watching the 1st and 2nd season of Spartacus… If you love blood and gore you will love this series. Sorry, not that into girly movies:)

PLEASE NOTE – NO ONE SHOULD STOP THEIR MEDICATION WITHOUT PROFESSIONAL GUIDANCE. THESE ARE JUST MY EXPERIENCES AND I ENCOURAGE EDUCATED ACTIONS.

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oops!

Hello!
I posted Decreasing Medication by accident… It’s still a work in progress, so (as you may have noticed if you tried to click on the link) I have taken it down for now.
Stick around though, it will magically reappear soon.
Thank you for hanging ’round and listening to me! I appreciate your support. Please feel free to comment whenever you feel the urge to.

Kind Regards,

Me

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Depression Exists


Depression Exists when:

You feel sad or anxious and can’t shake that feeling. You stop doing the things you once enjoyed.

You no longer see the beauty in things.

Your bed becomes your best friend.

You eat more than normal, or stop eating.

You have thoughts of suicide (and recurring thoughts of dying).

Everything that comes out of your mouth is negative.

You consume alcohol like there’s NO tomorrow (because temporarily it takes away how you’re feeling)
When I drink alcohol I feel I can do anything! Like many others before me, it gives the Dutch courage I would otherwise lack. It’s taken me till now (44 years old) to realise that it’s the wrong thing to do, especially if you suffer with a mental illness.

Drinking to me was like taking a drug and feeling high. I’m a happy drunk 🙂 not aggressive. So because I was like that I figured what the hell, I’m not harming anyone! But I was. I was harming myself.

Binge drinking, eating etc is all part of my personality. I’m really impulsive, sometimes I’m happy to be like that and other days it bothers the hell out of me. If you said let’s go to Rome tomorrow, I would think hell yes, without any thought of anyone else and what commitments I may have.

Now I’m not about to give up alcohol:) I probably should but I’m not:) So, I’ve
learnt to drink a lot more respossibly.I no longer drink alone – that’s a great start! – only sociably. Medication and alcohol are a dangerous mix . I know this one all too well. Avoid mixing the two and you’re doing  yourself a favour.

After coming out of hospital I did give up drinking for 6 months. The amount of meds I was on made me feel so dopey that drinking was the last thing on my mind. Like I said, should I have stopped permanently? Of course. But everything in moderation – that’s not me.

It was the cocktail of medication and alcohol that pushed me to attempt suicide.

What’s important to always remember is that depression is a treatable illness. However, different types of Depression require different types of treatment. Seeking help is the first step to becoming well again and getting back to enjoying your  life:) I believe a good health professional that you can relate to is a great starting point. When there’s no judgement and you’re free to say whatever you want, without retribution.

There are many other things you could be experiencing. I’m just sharing some of the things that happen to me.

Having depression doesn’t mean you’re a weak person. You’ve just hit a huge rock and have to work out how to get around or over it.

In the darkness there eventually becomes light.

Life is precious. My mum is always telling me that we are never sent any more than we can handle. (She’s very spiritual).:)

So maybe one day we will find out what the hell It all meant, and have a good laugh.:)

Don’t ever be ashamed of who you are.

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House Sold!!!!

house sold

Yes, all that hard work, a storm, and $60,000 later.

We accepted an offer tonight. Yaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!

They have 21 days to get finance approved, so I’m staying positive and excited:)

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Breathing Through Anxiety


Okay yesterday was a bad day!

It was my husband’s birthday and we were going out to dinner, so I had to pull myself together. One of the things I’m still  learning at 44 is that you have no control over someone elses behaviour. (Damn it:).

We were at the casino, so we decided to go in and gamble.

Bingo, instantly I felt better. I love playing poker machines. One thing about being Bi-Polar is that you can have a tendency, at times, to spend large amounts of money unnecessarily. But when it comes to gambling I only ever spend what we can afford to lose. Thank god!

My mum taught me years ago that slowly breathing in and out is a great way to help calm my anxiety. So, you breathe in through your nose, with your mouth shut, and hold it for a few seconds (watch your chest rise)… Then slowly breathe out through your mouth. If you don’t already do this  you will be amazed how it works! Repeat this until you feel yourself calming. But not until you pass out!

Now I do realise that when anxiety gets a hold on you, it’s not always an easy thing to do.

This may sound a little peculiar but if you have a pet, go cuddle into her/him and slowly start to do the breathing exercise. Cuddling something you love helps a lot. (Pet or person). The reason I say a pet and not your other half is purely because they may not be around. Animals have an amazing soothing effect on us.

Life is not perfect and it’s filled with ups and downs, I just have to remember to stay positive.

Kind of let that one slip my mind, again!

WHOOPS! 🙂

I should have eaten a cupcake!

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Just Rambling On

The Kitchen

I woke this morning to find myself in a bit of a don’t give a shit mood!

It was 9am then 10am then 11am before I finally convinced myself that I had to give a shit and got up.

Thinking about the night before I tried to see what I had done differently that would make me wake in such a mood. Apart from going to bed late, nothing major. But then I remembered getting a text message from our real estate agent about a house we have for sale. That’s when I realised how my anxiety must play havoc on my subconscious mind too. Obviously her message had made me feel depressed and anxious. Not a good combination for me:)

This particular house went on the market for 4 months and had not 1 offer. The market here right now is not as strong as it was, say, 2 years ago. Still, there was potential to knock it down and build 2 townhouses if a developer was interested. We chose to renovate.  So, finally after 3 months of renovations – pulling walls down etc – it went on the market again last Saturday. The house looks great and we had a design company furnish it. Yes, this will sell! I thought.  There’s nothing for anyone to complain about.

Then the text message came and said some guy had been quite vocal and negative about the patio room not being approved in his expert opinion. Well, who the hell is he?! He never said he was a builder or worked for the council. God I detest know-it-alls like him. Apparently he raved for some time and potential buyers were all in ears reach. If you don’t want to buy the house who cares?!

God! It’s just an outside room….

Anyway the agent is finding out for me as he apparently put a lot of people off. Great. First day and we get a loud mouth in. Sorry to ramble on, tomorrow I won’t let it get the better of me:)

The Patio Room

The Patio Room

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Daisy & Piggy – Life in the Country

Daisy

Daisy is my daughter-in-law’s pet sheep.  I have posted photos of her when she was younger.

She is sooo adorable, she honestly has no idea she’s a sheep. Daisy is 1 of 3 other sheep my daughter-in-law has raised (bottle fed). There’s Bushy, Crossy and of course the latest member Piggy. She was found in the pig shed. When she was reunited with her mum she couldn’t smell her, so she rejected her.

My son works on a 6,000 acre farm. They have 5,000 sheep, 3,000 pigs, crops of canola, lupins, barley, wheat and oat. They don’t have the time or resources to look after orphaned sheep. So sad isn’t it? but that’s farming and life goes on.

So if she didn’t take her in she more than likely would have died. Not a great name for a girl but fitting at the same time. Don’t know if you have seen how disgusting a sheep looks covered in pig poo? Not nice and very stinky!

Well, you will be happy to know that she’s had a bath and looks absolutely adorable 🙂

This is Daisy now. She just had a bath and hugged into my daughter-in-law for a cuddle, then fell asleep. She’s huge, but still wants her mum’s cuddles.

By the way, these are all pet sheep and therefore not for consumption 🙂

There’s no time for Depression when something so gorgeous hugs into you.

Piggy

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DEPRESSION EXISTS

DEPRESSION EXISTS  for all sorts of reasons.

When you have been clinically diagnosed with Depression, it can be difficult to actually explain the diagnosis to people.

To many it may seem that you’re just unhappy or sad and will get better soon.

You know – “You’ll get over it!  Just take a pill and you will be fine”.

Then somehow everything will magically go back to normal. At least, something along those lines.

I wish it were that simple.

Sometimes I think we do take too many pills. They play with our minds and we react to situations differently whilst taking them. Sometimes in a good way, and other times, not so good!

Of course sometimes your Depression can be a bi product of something else, like for me it’s my Bi-Polar condition. Oh yes! and let’s not forget those dreaded inherited genes either. That’s a real bummer when you have been gifted with those too. Thank you dad’s side of the family 🙂

Sadness can be a strange thing. For example:  I can be in a room full of people and feel incredibly alone, yet no one will notice because I’m smiling all the time. Sometimes you don’t even know why you’re sad or distant or whatever – you just are! When you’re depressed the problem is you get very little done, if anything at all! Well that’s what happens to me. I’m not sure about you?

Since reading that suicide article you know I’m now looking to write my posts in a more positive light.

So I’ve told myself to try to find the positives in everyday life. Now, if I can actually do this, I know it will help the down days. The problem for me is I can get too high, which can be just as bad.

I believe there are a great deal of beautiful things in this world, and to hone in on the negative things pisses me off. It really does.

One day I hope I wake and a good fairy has taken all the pain of my past away. Imagine that! Then everything I see will be as beautiful as it was always meant to be.

I will endeavour to do my best 🙂

x

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Anxiety – Why Am I Anxious?

Anxiety and Depression

Anxiety. It goes hand-in-hand with depression, yet anxiety is not quite as easy to explain or to talk about or even to think about. This post is me trying to put my anxiety out there, sharing my anxiety with you (whoever you are) and trying very hard not to be anxious about whether you are likely to be interested or whether you care of what you will think of me after reading it.

Anxiety – why am i anxious?

Why am I anxious? Think of the last time you were anxious. Maybe for you it’s a rare experience. Something that comes up every now and then when you are placed in an unusually difficult or complex situation. For me, anxiety is so, so much more than that. You may think about the future – I fret about the future. You may think about the difficulty in sorting out directions to an inner city appointment – I worry and fret and become so anxious that I often simply cannot go.

I’m not just worried, I am anxious – and that is a multitude of horror worse than simple worry. It’s worse than fretting and it’s worse than the strongest concern. For me, anxiety can be a completely debilitating condition. It stops me from making it to catch-ups with friends. It even stops me from seeing my doctor – who is treating me for depression!

Why am I anxious? What makes me anxious?

Everything. And anything. And often – nothing.

I may be anxious but I am not stupid. I can KNOW that the things which make me anxious are not as important as my anxiety would suggest. But knowing is a very different kettle of fish from being able to act on that knowledge. Anxiety is something that I still have not worked out a successful management plan for. There is no “3-step plan” than works for me. Not yet anyway. Maybe there will be one day. If you know of one that works for you – please share it. I’m open to suggestions

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