Category Archives: What irks me

Mental Illness

mental-illness-art-a3ce9bb6a9a7cdbcMental Illness. Instantly, this phrase can make someone nervous.

Why do you think it’s still like this in the 21st century?

We all know some of the obvious reasons – for example, the way mental illness is portrayed in many Hollywood movies. One Who Flew over The Cuckoo’s Nest, Black Swan, Sucker Punch, Girl, Interrupted; Fight Club… The list goes on.

But isn’t it talked about more often and people are more open than was once the case? I wonder, what makes someone scared? Maybe they think the person with schizophrenia is going to come at them with a knife because they saw it once on the news? Or maybe they will become some kind of poltergeist and their head will start spinning? How far from the truth! I imagine they just want you to treat them like everyone else. Imagine how hard the diagnosis alone is? And then for someone to be segregated as a result of that diagnosis?? Wow, how crushing!!

What about the Depressed person, who you think is always moaning and down. Why not put your arms around them and let them know that you’re there if they need you. Don’t try to avoid them; maybe just listen to what they have to say… Not just wait for them to finish and run away, but really listen! Sometimes that’s all someone needs. They aren’t failures or losers because they’re Depressed. Depression is very real and it’s not in their heads. If they could make it go away, they would! They want to laugh and smile again just like everyone else. They are lost and broken and need someone to help get them back on track. Whether that be by therapy, medication, love and understanding, or all of them…. Whichever the case they will get there with your love and support. You know anyone can be caught in the stronghold of depression at some point in their lives. Your one gesture of love and understanding? It can change their whole day and world! Show them love and kindness. Everyone needs love and understanding, right?

It baffles me that some members of society still judge this way. I suppose there are those that suffer greatly and at times have to be hospitalised and stabilised as a result of their mental illness, but usually this is a result of someone stopping their medication/s, or that they just need their prescriptions adjusted. I suppose when someone witnesses these turns, it frightens them and I can understand that, but again a little bit of love and understanding goes a hell of a long way to helping their recovery.

Lets take the word Normal. Can someone please explain what that means?? Not what the dictionary says, but what in REAL LIFE does this word mean?

What you think is Normal another person doesn’t! So, who is right and who is wrong?

Bipolar Disorder – You know one minute we are flying high and no one can touch us, next we come crashing down and need someone with big hearts and open arms to catch us. Sometimes we don’t see the fall until it’s too late. That’s when the climb back up to the top can be exhausting. We become our biggest enemy. Everyday we have to find something to smile about or we drown. We are just like you, but some days we stumble and need love and understand to get us back up.

OCD-Obsessive Compulsive Disorder this can be so debilitating for so many people. Yet some people make fun of this. But why? Have they had it? Do they even understand the trauma the person goes through on daily basis? They know it’s not NORMAL, but they can’t help it. It’s what makes them feel normal!

Take Anxiety Disorder, it’s crippling and yet anyone can be caught in its grip at some point in their lives. Very successful people can suffer with this. In no way does the label define the person. Breathing is like hyperventilating and you feel that you are going to pass out. Or worse, you shallow breathe and feel like you’re drowning in your own breath. You’re looking for the positives but all you see is negativity. A mole hill becomes a mountain of Everest proportions! You try to get a hold of it and then it just pulls you back down. Again, people just need your understanding and compassion.

Now this is a tricky one: Anorexia/Bulimia The things these people suffer in their daily lives are horrendous. The way they see themselves can make you cry. I’ve had both of these in my life and let me tell you, they are crippling! They/we do not see what you see. Why do magazines glorify us human beings? We aren’t perfect so why are we always looking for perfection in our bodies. We are attracted to all sorts of different body shapes, right? So, why do we think slim and perfect is the answer? Where does this come from? Even to this day as small framed as I am… I dislike my body. Actually that’s an understatement!!  It’s wrong and I know that, but trying to get this one in my head is like extracting a tooth! 🙂 Beauty is but skin deep, so how does this happen?

You know there are so many disorders out there – these are just some that people face daily.

Please don’t be afraid of what you don’t understand. These people are Normal. They just struggle at times and need your love and understanding. Not anyone’s judgement.

To all those out there that suffer with any kind of Mental Illness? I reach out and hug all of you and understand your daily struggles. We are a lot stronger  than people realise. We fight our demons every day and somehow pull through. Maybe your faith gets you through or the love and support of family and friends. Whatever the case may be, we get there. Be proud of who and what you are and what you have achieved. Never compare your achievements to another, as there will always be those greater, as well as those less fortunate. Stay strong and believe in you, for you are a beautiful soul and deserved to be loved and respected like every other human being.

Remember WE ARE  like everyone else and just want to be accepted for who we are. Our diagnosis DOES NOT define us as a person.

We can only hope it helps others understand, that some days we will struggle. And if we fall? Give us a helping hand and we will get back up and try again tomorrow. You know just that little bit of help love and understanding from those around us? We can get there! Maybe not to what you think is normal, but to what’s achievable and realistic to us. Just love us for who we are and we will love you back as you are!

I really do love our blog family/community and to you all, I for one appreciate the love understanding and friendship that you all have shown me and to those in need here on WordPress!

You have no idea how much you make a difference. That one gesture of love and understanding you show, can make that persons day and life a whole lot brighter!


Love and hugs to the whole community! Let’s not be afraid of what we don’t understand.

Hugs to you all, Paula xxxxx

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Filed under Fight Depression, Thinking..., What irks me

My Own Bed

my sleepover bed

My Sleepover Bed


I’ve always had this thing where I’ve had to go back home to my own bed. I could be an hour away from home, but still I insist on returning to my own bed.

My husband didn’t really drink, so he was always the nominated driver. For me, being the drinker, this worked out well! 🙂

Now I’m single I’m really noticing how obsessed I am about having to sleep in my own bed. No no not already off in some stranger’s bed doing strange things with him. Or am I? LMAO

Meaning I go out to dinner, or out with friends. Everyone asks me to stay so I can have a few drinks and not lose my licence. Australia is huge on catching drunk drivers – and so they should be! But here the limit is 0.5 which can be 1, 2 or 3 drinks depending on what you’ve eaten, whether you normally drink alcohol etc. I’m small framed and a drinker, so I would say I’m the 2 drinks girl.

Recently, my mum suggested I sleep over. My brain went into panic mode – that “no no no… That’s not possible… retreat retreat!!!” Lol

But she convinced me to stay, so there I was. And it wasn’t that bad… Apart from the fact that I drafted this post at 4.30am!  Haha did I mention I’m a bad sleeper?!

Since then, I have been asked to sleep over at my brother’s place, and then a girlfriends… And of course said, no thank you!

But I am thinking about changing. Maybe I should have my going-away-from-home-stay-over-night-bag at the ready on occasion.  🙂 This way, I can relax and have a few drinks and look forward to the adventures of sleeping in foreign beds… Ooor maybe not sleeping! Lol

Now am I the only one that feels like this… Or are there others like me? Do you have to sleep in your own bed… No matter what??

Hugs to you all and Happy Sleeping!! 🙂

Paula xxxx


Filed under My experiences, What irks me

Riding the Waves

Female Surfer

I have a confession to make.

Admitting this is hard, because I hate showing this side of me.

I’m a little down and am struggling to stay happy. I’m doing all the things I know I should to stay in good spirits, but sometimes life can get really hard.

I’m socialising. I am exercising (god forbid!!).  I’m drinking water and basically keeping myself occupied. I’m not on the computer as long, as when your a little down I find it’s not the best thing to do. It helps a little but in the long run you have to go face the real world!

Feeling like this is normal and I just have to ride the waves… I’ve done it plenty of times before and this is just here to test me! Seeing Teco boy (my llama)  always makes me smile, but I won’t get to see him until Saturday. So, I shall wait to hug my boy.The comfort he brings me is second to none.

Tomorrow is another day and it WILL be a good day!

Have a great weekend everyone and I embrace you all for comfort!

Hugs Paula xxxxx

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Filed under My experiences, What irks me

Depression Exists


Depression Exists:

Depression exists as a result of all sorts of things. One of them being, so to speak, “unfinished business”.

When we hold on to things and find it hard to really explain how were feeling, it’s easy to get lost in that dark world. Sometimes you don’t have the words; or even know if there are any… But deep down you’re hurt and lost. You know you need to come up for air but then something pulls you back down again.

I think we have a treasure chest, only not filled with gold… It’s filled with all the things we hold in our minds and heart. Some good things and some unfinished/unresolved/hurtful things.

Sometimes I wonder if we really know what we want in life. Are our expectations too high? Unrealistic? I have found that by slowly emptying this chest my mind becomes more free, and with less  baggage to deal with  life starts getting better and better.

Depression plays with our minds and creeps up on us when we aren’t being true to ourselves. You can’t lie to your mind and say everything’s okay when it’s not. Your mind knows this is false and will continually keep questioning you until you deal with whatever you’ve tried to bury away. I used to be brilliant at burying things away, but now  my mind goes ahha Paula … NO WAY!!! You need to fix this!

My husband once told me that I never really let anyone in…  Like, really in. He says I hug with one arm whilst the other keeps everyone at a distance. Maybe he’s right? I suppose that we all have this barrier we put up when we don’t know – or can’t face – certain things in our life. Once you have been hurt a few thousand times (okay slight exaggeration!! lol) It’s our way of protecting ourselves from having to go through that again.

I think it’s just part of that whole fight or flight thing. We don’t want to be hurt or have our hearts broken. In the end we are forced to face whatever the issue/s are that are holding us back. Usually we want to run from it, make excuses for it.. Basically do whatever it takes to not have to deal with it!

In the end we only get hurt deeper and pull those we love into that place with us. We need to stop and recognise this. Why should they have to go where we don’t want to be ourselves? Depression is not just about a dark place. It’s cold and lonely and you’re left feeling numb.

But who want s to be alone?? I don’t! And nor should you!

I force myself to see good even when it may not really be there. Love is strong and can pull you out of anything. It can let people in and dispel loneliness. Don’t push them away! Maybe this way they can learn to understand you and comfort you in times of need.

I can tell the everyone in the world that I love them. But do I truly understand what it’s like to love deeply? I think I’m learning and that’s all we can do. Keep learning and growing as a person.

So, do I love you all???? Yes!! In my own non gay/freaky/stalker kind of way! 

Huge hugs and love to all of you.  Stay healthy and open to love!

Paula    xxxx

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Filed under Fight Depression, What irks me

Depression Exists (Part 3)

97_Crying Tears_Silva

Depression Exists!

Do you remember my Depression Exists post that mentioned Jon Rappoport’s view and how he felt that depression and mental illness did not exist? I don’t blame some of you for feeling angry and annoyed at his comments. I was deeply offended by them!

Depression and mental illnesses can be so debilitating, then to read an article like that… Well, let us just say that it can stir old and new emotions. But his post got me thinking about the day I planned to kill myself. *sorry* Stop reading if you’re not up to it!!

I had been thinking about suicide for a really long time. But, for argument’s sake, let’s just say I had  been surfing the net and come across his article at that pivotal moment in my life. I would have felt even worse thinking that nothing was wrong with me and that it was all in my head! I was already struggling with so many “What’s wrong with me? Why am I crying none stop in my head?” issues.

There was no light, only complete darkness. Smiling was easy; I’ve done it most of my life. But if you looked  into my eyes? I suppose nobody does that! But if they had, they would have seen the confusion and pain I was in. My mind was lost to some evil darkness that wanted to take me away. The pain I was going to cause my family was the only thing that stopped me.

Each day I woke and as the days went by I would think “Not today, because my son needs me for this, and then Not today, because he needs me for that?”.  Then the day came when darkness has taken you far away from reality. It’s won! Today WILL be the day! Waking up in the hospital is the biggest pain to bear. Having your family see you in that condition is horrendous. They cry and just want to hold you. You cry in shame and despair!….
Two years later this still brings tears to my eyes.

This man has NO idea what it’s like to suffer a deep depression!  It’s almost worse knowing the significant experiences that contributed to your mental state – abuse and rape are so debilitating to mental balance.

How can he say there’s no evidence to prove this! My God, when someone’s raping you and taking all your dignity away… How can you be left whole after such an experience? Depression ensues… And not the fictitious kind!

I became pregnant and as a result had the pregnancy terminated. You have no idea what that does to your mind and soul. Did I still have no right to be depressed?

Sexual abuse as a child became part of my life. I prayed to God to help me.  I don’t think I have forgiven him for never coming to my aid. Depression is REAL.  It cripples you, especially when life has been so cruel and hurtful. Depression Does Exist and don’t let anyone tell you it doesn’t!

I used to hunt the internet for anything and everything that was out there concerning Depression. I wanted an answer, any answer! I just needed to know that everything was going to be okay and others out there had been where I was right now and had survived!  The day I gave up, I asked God if he was real and listening.  I asked him to forgive me for what I was about to do to my family. I’ve said it before and Ivonne even put the words in a song called “I was bleeding tears”.

Suicidal thoughts did not just appear.  Deep depression had been mounting for months… And then years. When you make the decision there’s almost an eerie calmness that engulfs you; you feel relieved and saddened at the same time. You look around and see things differently. You see more detail in everything. At night I would lay in my bed look at the ceiling and tears would just stream down. My husband lay there sleeping, unaware of what I was going through. Suffering in silence is painful and SO wrong! It’s hard to face our demons but if we don’t, we lose and they win!

Because of this I’m really mindful these days what I post. Being Bipolar 2 and having Depression isn’t an excuse or reason for me to not try and enjoy my life as much as you or anyone else. Depression is like being in a really turbulent relationship. One day you’re flying high, next you have to walk on eggshells trying not to provoke a negative reaction from yourself.

I’ve decided that Depression has controlled me for too long now and that I want to take back control of my own life. I’ve come to realise that nothing will ever take away the pain and sadness that I sometimes have to deal with, but I can say that I refuse to be a victim any longer. Those that harmed me have won if I let another day go by living in the past! Physical and mental pain is so hard to let go of, but how can we move forward if we don’t. I want to live and put my past to rest!

Having Bipolar 2 I am also aware that I will have days where I am on this roller coaster ride of emotions that I have to learn to embrace. It’s me, I’m like you… But different. When I love? I love deeply. When I feel pain? I am crippled. When I laugh? I feel ecstatic. When I cry? You don’t see it! When I’m lost? It’s a dark and cold place. At times I’ll let you in, and at times I’ll shut you out.

I want to save the world, but I can’t. I want us all to be equal, but life say’s No! I want there to be no racism, but life says No! I don’t want a child to go to bed hungry, but all I can do is donate.. So yes, children will still go to bed hungry. Life isn’t fair, but I can only control my own destiny. I don’t care whether someones black or white. We are all one, aren’t we?

So, does depression Exist? Yes, it does! But we have to learn to let go of our pain and know that so many people love us and we just have to reach out for help. Don’t let depression win, fight as you would to keep someone you loved! Because at the end of the day, that someone is you! And you are worth loving!

If I could tell me Back Then what I have learnt since, it would be along the lines of …

Dear Me Just Over Two Years Ago:
If you’re reading this, firstly – I know you won’t respond. But you will be reading. Now listen up.
It’s a really fine line that you are walking between life and death. Please believe in yourself, don’t give up. However horrible the pain is,you can pull through. You have made it this far! You’re a lot stronger than you think.
Nothing will ever take away the sadness, hurt or pain that you are feeling, but through time or therapy you can slowly start the healing process. You’re beautiful and special in every way.  Don’t be or feel alone. Reach out! Call a crisis hotline and just cry into the phone!  They will support and guide you in the right direction, and that kind of support is invaluable.
I realise you’re feeling physically and mentally drained and that it really does feel like you simply can’t take anymore. But you’re wrong! Don’t leave those that love you. You really will hurt them deeply and scar them for life.
If I could jump through the screen right now, I would.  I would just hold you and let you know that everything will be alright. Please don’t give up. Fight. Believe in your God if that helps. Talk to him. Talk to someone. Reach out.

Let’s try to let go of the pain and start a new beginning in 2013.

Paula xxxx

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Filed under Fight Depression, My experiences, What irks me

Depression Exists! (Part 1)

sad tears

Depression Exists.

Depression exists to the point of numbness! You literally don’t know where to start and which problem to deal with first.

I say first because it’s usually a gradual process of things that have lead you to where you are today. Nearly all of us have had it coming for some time, slowly slowly… Another thing to keep silent about.

Thinking becomes painful. What’s happening to me? Am I going crazy?

Then we plead to God to help us. Even a nonbeliever like me has begged him to help. Has he come? I don’t know. But I do know that at that very point of despair we get this inner strength that helps us to keep fighting, and not give into the temptation of our negative thoughts. Thoughts that we’re not good enough or have failed in some way. But we haven’t failed! Lost and confused however? Yes!

Depression exists. So many share these thoughts. And for those that do not support this fact, are you seriously suggesting that millions of people worldwide “fake” the same illness? That so many commit suicide for the hell of it? Not being able to lead a normal, healthy life because they want attention? Are you serious?????

People suffering Depression don’t want anyone to feel sorry for them! They just want to feel healthy again, and be what society deems NORMAL.

They want to laugh!
Go to work everyday without worrying  if it’s going to be their last; fearing they may lose their jobs from the amount of days they’ve called in sick!
Continue with the sport they once loved!
Be able to meet up with friends and family – and actually enjoy being there!
To be able to face their family without fear of feeling like a failure!
Go to school or Uni without feeling like an outsider and failing to produce results that they once breezed through!
Not lay in bed, crying for days…. Thinking they can’t face another day!
They don’t want to argue with their spouses out of shear frustration of not knowing what to do to make them understand –  when they themselves don’t know what to do!
Isolate themselves as they feel they no longer fit!
Enjoy singing or playing a musical  instrument that once gave them joy!

I could go on and on!!

Please p l e a s e don’t tell these people it’s all in their heads.

Be helpful…Be sympathetic….Be hopeful….Be understanding….Be kind.


There are so many reasons people suffer depression –  they just might not tell you their life story. The pain they could be dealing with is one you are lucky to have not encountered.

Don’t judge until you have walked in their shoes!

Paula x

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Filed under Fight Depression, What irks me

Inner Beauty

How do we learn to love and appreciate ourselves without judging our exterior?

You know, I think even the most beautiful people in the world still judge themselves without cause.

We tell ourselves that we are  too old, too fat, too skinny, too shy, too different, too poor, too ugly, too dumb, too scared… Too everything!!!!

Our poor brain. How can it cope with all this self loathing? 

It can’t!

Eventually we become Depressed from all the negativity we have fed our brain over the years.

Mumsy is someone I follow and care about very much. Reading her post, she was having one of those days where if something was going to go wrong, it did! When the day was over  she realised looking in the mirror that things about her body weren’t as they once were and it made her feel down. I wanted to hug her so much and tell  her none of that matters and she’s a beautiful person. For some reason, you can’t jump through a computer!*laughing*

So it got me thinking about the whole body image thing and how guilty I am of picking on myself every day.

I don’t care what anyone else looks like, I love them for who they are. So why are we so unkind to ourselves?

I think I weigh myself about 6 times a day! What the? Do I really think it’s going to change that much in a day? No! but it becomes such a psychological nightmare that you’re looking for any change, no matter how small! How huge do we think we really are? Since I was a young girl weighing 45 kilos, I’ve always had body issues. What the hell – 45 kilos and I still didn’t like myself. How distorted is that for thinking? So no wonder now at  44 I think I’m disfigured at  58 kilos! I never look and judge anyone else, so why do I berate myself so much? *Blah*

Medication puts on weight and we all struggle with who we have become- over who we once were.

But you know what? No matter how big or small  you are, you’re still you! The same kind, loving, caring,compassionate person you have always been.

This is definitely a psychological thought that we need to change! But how??

Why does it usually take an accident, or something else serious like cancer, before we realise how lucky we’ve always been! 

Love you Mumsy! xxx

Paula xx

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Filed under What irks me