Tag Archives: depression exists

No, means no!!

Hello my fellow bloggers,

I had a horrible experience with one of my male clients just before Christmas.

He came to me for a manzilian. Basically it’s the removal of all pubic hair.  Don’t cringe guys, it’s really popular! 🙂

Since I began waxing I’ve done heaps of men and they have all being really respectful. This particular man was everything but that. He was totally inappropriate and disgusting. The way he made me feel about myself and the whole situation was something no one should have to go through. As I was waxing him he kept touching me in places no one should, not without your permission first. This went on for nearly an hour. I tried to plead with him many times and asked him to stop repeatedly. It was like talking to a brick wall and was exhausting mentally.  He unnerved me so much that my hands started to shake and I struggled to get the wax off. This was purely out of stress, nothing else. Like talking to a child, I asked him if his mother ever taught him what no means? He just smirked at me and continued to harass me. I pleaded with him so many times but it was like the lights were on and no one was home. It was terrifying and I never want to feel like that again. Finally I convinced him to go and then I proceeded to put my wax trolley back against the wall. Thing was he was getting changed on the other side of the bed and I had my back to him. That’s when he grabbed me and put me into the corner of my room and kept trying to kiss me and was constantly groping me. I pleaded again for him to stop and please just go. You see he knew I was alone and no one was with me. Without going into too much detail I finally convinced him to leave. I knew walking in front of him was a risk but I didn’t know what else to do, so I just headed to my front door. That’s when he got desperate and pinned me against the bedroom door and began squeezing my breast hard and running his hands all over me whilst kissing me. I pushed him and turned my face away as much as I was able to, but he was a large man and way stronger than me. I felt sick to the stomach and new I was about to start crying. My right hand got loose from his grip and I managed to open the front door. I have a security screen and it was locked and I was so worried he would just slam the door shut, but he didn’t. I own the back block and I have neighbours just in front. At that point his eyes were flicking from one side to another, as if he was trying to work out his next move. Thankfully for me he must have worried about me screaming for help and decided to unlock the door and go. I was shaking profusely and as soon as he was out of my yard? I quickly hit the button to shut my big electric gate.

The details are too long from there to go into. What I can say is the police took a restraining order out against him on my behalf. I took some time off work and had thought of closing my business down. But, after lots of crying I’ve decided I’m not going to let one creep take away everything I’ve worked hard to get. I’m back working and a lot stronger for it. My gut told me something was wrong with him the first time I saw him and wondered if I should see him again. My problem is I’m too trusting and give people the benefit of the doubt too many times, and then I’m left sorry on many of those occasions. NOT AGAIN!! When that sixth sense tells me somethings not right?? I’m going to listen and act accordingly to my intuition. I was raped when I was 20yrs old and this brought back all those horrid memories that I had tried to bury for so long now. I’ve even blogged about the rape when I first started blogging as a way of getting it our of my head. But this shit head brought it all back and I hate him for it! I know that all sounds harsh but I’m sick of protecting the perpetrators in my life. He’s not the victim…I am!

He’s pleaded not guilty in court and has said that I had touched him inappropriately. Hearing this makes me sick that he can do what he did to me and then turn around and say this about me! I’m going to have faith in the law that they will see him for everything he is…And that’s a predator!!

I’ve gone over the scenarios of what I should have done a thousand times over and over again. What you think you would do and say in these circumstances isn’t always what your capable of doing at the time. Stress and fear take over and your left vulnerable. No, means no and stop? means Stop! As I write this I know all too well how lucky I was to not be raped by this man. Yet, he has left me feeling disgusting about myself and has taken a part of me he had no right to take.

This happened on the 20th December and it’s taken me this long to be able to talk about it and not cry. If you have ever uncounted this or much worse than this? know that you did nothing wrong and these people are just pure evil! That’s all they are, nothing more!!

I hug all of you. Paula xxx

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Mental illness

As most of you know,  I’m now a massage therapist.

When I first started researching what would be involved and how much learning there would be, I never read or saw anything that would show the health benefits it would actually bring to me!

I remember the very first massage I did. My shoulders where up high, and the tension I felt due to over concentrating on the moves I had been taught was huge!! My brain was saying to me that it was too stressful, and maybe I should learn something else? God if this was relaxing, how can I feel so stressed?? This isn’t a fun job!! Lol

I knew I had to change my thinking and learn to relax my shoulders and somehow move my body to the movements. You see this is critical in being able to sustain your working life as a therapist, otherwise you can cause an injury to yourself! Game Over so to speak. 🙂

The amount of theory I had to learn was ridiculous, and at times overwhelming. So do I throw all that away? Or, somehow find the confidence to believe in what I had been taught, and know that it’s more than likely just the negative side of me preventing me from going forward.

That’s when I told myself I’m going to forget about the muscle groups, bones in the body etc etc etc. It was time to trust in that whole conscious/unconscious part of the learning we did. And, that’s when the penny dropped and I realised I didn’t have to remember. My brain knew it all I just had to trust in myself.

Then one day it all just felt so natural and peaceful. Yay, is this what it feels like to massage someone!!  My shoulders are down, I move with the movements and each move comes naturally without thinking about it. Finally!! Lol

It’s now been 9 Months and I’m loving it. I’m feeling very relaxed and at ease with myself. God, did I just say my mind is at ease?? So funny because for me personally…this is a massive hurdle to have overcome! 🙂 It even feels weird to say that I’m at peace! 🙂

Going through the ECT treatment I had 1 year ago (Shock Treatment) My ability to remember and retain things was crazy! There was no rhyme or reason to what I remembered.

Kind of like ground hog day everyday for my poor friends and family. How I learnt anything back then still amazes me. I suppose persistence beats resistance, right?

Finally,  what’s this post all about?

You could say it’s about believing in yourself, and not giving up on you! Bipolar is a horrible illness but one made much worse from Ignorance. We will always have those days when everything seems just too hard. But we can also have and lead very productive and fulfilling lives too, just like the rest of our community. I say never give up on you, no matter how many others already have. If today’s too hard? Then try again tomorrow and if it’s still too hard? Try again the next day and so on and so on!!

Remember these words from the Desiderata:  If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

I believe I’m very lucky to have the support, encouragement and love from my family and friends. What I appreciate the most is them not treating me any different from anyone else. You already know your different, you don’t need to be patronized. Unfortunately not everyone that suffers a mental illness has this kind of support.

Maybe you know someone who is depressed, or who is suffering a mental illness? If so, do you realise how powerful your words of support are to them? You can turn an otherwise very dark cold lonely day into one of light ,hope and sunshine.

Praise is the greatest encouragement

These lyrics are so appropriate to those of you who are feeling down. If you get the time? Listen to them… and hopefully they will inspire you!

Much love and hugs to you all. Paula xxxx

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Depression Exists

Hello Everyone,

Hope your all having a great week! 

I thought about whether or not to show you my tattoo, and then I remembered I promised to show all parts of my world this year.

So without further ado, welcome to my tattoo. A huge part of my world. 

tat

A lot of tattoos come with their fair share of stories and mine is no different as it holds great meaning to me. I didn’t just wake up and decide I wanted a tattoo at 43. It was after I had survived my attempted suicide nearly 4 years ago that my son mentioned the idea of me getting one. At first I laughed it off, but after loads of thought it started to make complete sense for me to go ahead with it.

You see that day I woke in hospital 4 years ago, I didn’t want to live, not even a tiny bit! I was incredibly unhappy. The lights were on but no one was home. It was like I had lost my soul and I didn’t know where to find it. Darkness surrounded me and all I felt was deep pain and sorrow.  In fact it took 1 month in hospital and 15 ECT’S ( Shock Treatment) to make me realise that I did want to live, I just needed to learn how!

After every tear a person could possibly shed I knew in my heart of hearts I could never let this happen to me again, or put those that love me through such pain and sadness ever again. Unfortunately being Bipolar only makes this even harder to do. Somehow I had to learn to love me and forgive everyone around me that had hurt me so badly when I was younger. The only way I could think of this,  was to tattoo myself to remind myself that that day in hospital when I said I wanted to live? I had to have something that would always remind me of this.

So the fairy reminds me that I made a wish that day to somehow find the will to live. When I’m low it’s a constant reminder to seek help when I’m sliding. I put my Sakura at the bottom as she’s my child and has pulled me through many many dark nights. I needed her close by me as she fills me with unconditional love and strength. She’s much more than a cat to me.

The fairy’s dress being pink was for my favourite colour.  I had them tattoo really bright colours so it was in my face… and boy is it bright, agree?? 🙂

Whenever I’m low?  this is a constant reminder to get help and to do it quickly.

The tattoo is very large and it’s on my right thigh.

Now I realise I was hospitalised in March last year for some of the same reasons, and you could argue the point that it hasn’t really helped me, right? Not true though. It got me through 3 years without being hospitalised. It was me and my psychiatrist that made the decision to hospitalise me last year.  I was extremely suicidal and very close to not being here. But it was the the tattoo that reminded me to seek help. You see I smile when I’m happy and have learnt to hide behind that smile when I’m sad. I learnt this as a child. So it can be really hard for those who love me, as they see me smiling and at times wonder if I’m really happy or not?

Have you or anyone you know, ever had a tattoo to remind you or them of anything? There are many stories behind tattoos and I would love to hear yours.

Hope I haven’t shocked any new readers seeing this huge tattoo on my thigh.

Many hugs to you all, Paula xxxx

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I love this.

I saw this on Facebook today and had to post it.

Much love to you all. Hugs Paula xxx

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Warning!

Hello fellow bloggers,

I toiled whether or not to write this post and show this video clip that I recently saw on Facebook.

To show it seemed that I was agreeing and yet to not show it, seemed that I wasn’t condoning  it either! I literally sat at my computer and felt every emotion that I think a human can feel. It felt like someone had gone in and ripped my heart out for these 2 children. There’s so much sadness in this world that many children have to suffer and this I’m sure is just one of them many situations. How one human being can treat another this way is mind blowing and heartbreaking in every sense of the word. The fact that it’s targeting helpless children makes it even more devastating. I tried to ignore what I had seen and take it out of my mind, but there was no way I could or even can do this. My blog is what helps me deal with many of the sad things that have happened in life and also the many Happy things that have happened in my life. You could say I’m sharing this as a way of me getting it out of my head and writing something/anything to be honest. I just have to write something or the sadness that I’m feeling will become overwhelming. My only hope is that someone has stepped in and saved these children from the nightmare they must be living in. My heart wants to find them and save them from the cruelty they must be dealing with on a day to day basis. I want to tell them they are beautiful and worthy of so much more than they have been given in this world. I want to hug them protect them and smother them with the love and affection they deserve. Feeling powerless in this situation and many others similar that happen world wide like this,  is gut wrenching.   I’m not a religious person but if there is some kind of higher power I only hope and prey it comes to these 2 beautiful boys aid.

Warning! 

As my blog writes from time to time about Depression, it brings many people that are vulnerable and emotionally in a bad place to my site. They may have come for some sort of self-help or guidance or even some kind of understanding for how they are feeling. I urge you that if you are one of those people and are in a bad place right now? DO NOT watch this video! 

I hug all of you and my heart is hugging these 2 beautiful terrified boys. Paula xxx

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Depression Exists

Thought I would touch base with the rest of the blogging community as I’ve kind of drifted away again.

When I say drift, I mean that life kind of threw the curve ball at me with my Step dad dying;  It’s now been nearly 3 weeks and I’m feeling a little better, as is my mum. He’s still very much in our hearts, but it makes you realize that life has to go on or else you would fall apart every day and then what good are you to anyone, or even yourself for that! You know when sometimes in life you make the wrong decisions, or you take the wrong turn in life and you regret the hell out of whatever bad choice or decision you have made? Well, I think from all the bad things in my life Ray was the one constant good thing that was a part of my life, so when that person goes; a part of you goes too.
At the funeral my eldest son came up to me and hugged me and said: “That would have been you if you had committed suicide and we would have been here for you.” I hugged him and cried more, because I knew he was right. Now when I’m feeling  a little low and I think life is too tiring, I think about what he said to me and let me tell you, it resonated with me!

Suicide is a selfish act, my psychiatrist always reminds me of this but sadly when a person gets to that point, they just don’t see it as that, they just want their pain to go away and apart from that, there’s not too much thought. From my point of view, it’s because you have already gone through all the if’s and but’s and there’s no real answer other than you’re unwell and all logic is out the door. It’s kind of like your pain or their pain, it’s a no-win situation. Who suffers more, you or them?
The problem is when someone is that far gone from reality you’re usually not their to save them, only they can do that and sadly more times than not, they lost the battle for life.

I suppose this is very depressing and an awful subject, but one that is sadly happening everyday somewhere around the world and for all different reasons.
Like you and me I suppose, if we knew someone was about to commit suicide and we could do something to help, we would! However in most cases it’s a silent killer and one that’s usually been thought about for some time and no matter how much we thought we could have stopped it, I don’t think we could.

So, what can we do in these situations?
Personally I think it’s to be more aware of those we love and whom we know are struggling with life in one shape or another and to just be there for them; not just want them to hurry and finish their story, but to really sit there and listen to what’s troubling them. It’s incredible how many people have no one to confide in.
Depression is a sad lonely place to be and it holds no race or prejudice, anyone can be seduced by it; I say seduced, as all our beliefs at that point can’t seem to help us, they have been pulled too far away from our reality and that’s when suicidal thoughts begin. Life feels hopeless and things just aren’t going to get better, but they can and will; Life is full of ups and downs and we have to learn to take the good with the bad, even when the bad is down right ugly and unforgivable.
I say believe in you, and all the great things you once stood for; remember the songs you once loved and singing them out loud in your car and all the memories they would bring? You didn’t care who was listening because they made you happy and bought back great memories, remember your favorite foods like your mum’s pasta or nanna’s cake she baked, and your favorite restaurant where they greeted you as if you were family? Or just the smell of certain foods that still trigger great memories. Gosh I still remember getting my first Choo-Choo bar!
It was made from aniseed and really hard to bite and my tongue and mouth would be black. Lol.  Even as a kid when my life was sad and awful in parts this still brings back great memories; What about your first car you bought and how happy you felt, even if it was a wreck you didn’t care because it meant you had freedom to go wherever we chose, right?  or your first girlfriend/boyfriend and the butterflies you got in your stomach when you saw them, your first pet or the pet you have now whom you love and adore. They fill us with unconditional love and we need them as much as they need us; these are the simple things in life that we forget and that can trigger happy memories. Life can be hard at times, and seem unfair but hold on and just try to get through this day and see what tomorrow brings. You’re not no one, you are someone special and many people love you and would be lost without you, stay strong and remember what greatness could be waiting around the corner for you, never give up on you!

So remember, that one act of kindness you give to a loved one, friend or colleague could mean everything to that person. It’s so easy to walk away from trouble than to actually take the time to listen to what someone in need has to say, even if they don’t tell you but you see something’s not right, ask, “are you okay?” That’s all it sometimes takes.

Think of this, We give money to charities to help the needy so why can’t we spare a bit of our time to those who are struggling and need guidance and help? They need it just as much as the charities, if not more!

Hugs to you all. Paula xx

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Depression Exists

Deviance_Titania_Fairy_Wings_Poster

Hey fellow bloggers, hope all is well with you all! 🙂

You probably have noticed that I’ve commented on some of your posts, but once again have neglected my own blog.

I did say I was ready to return to blogging and that I had most of my life all sorted, but the truth is I suppose it takes longer to fully recover than I realized, or at least wanted to accept!

To go through what I did was pretty horrific and to be honest I think I was being a little optimistic about my recovery. To return to everyday life seems easier than it really is, the fact that I had become suicidal and was put into hospital isn’t really that traumatic to me; now I know you’re all going: “WHAT THE”, right? 🙂 I’ll explain, you see being Bipolar can come with many things the average person doesn’t have to cope or deal with, unfortunately some of us were just genetically dis-positioned right from the beginning.
For me, it’s not rare for my brain to think suicidal thoughts; the difference is knowing when or if you’re going to act on them. There are many people with Bipolar that deal with this, not just me and I truly feel for them. At times I can get confused with what exactly I’m thinking and at what level is the depth of that thinking, is my brain just obsessing and playing with the idea?
Can I reason with it, can I ignore it, or am I going to push the limit to see how far it will take me to the darkness?

My brain almost plays with the idea, it’s like a continuous questioning inside my brain and yet there isn’t any right or wrong answer, that’s the part that scares me. Damned if I do and damned if I don’t. Kind of like having schizophrenia, yet you don’t actually have schizophrenia. It’s like this constant chatter and questioning of yourself.

When I get really bad, my mind almost dares me to do it and once again all rational thinking is gone out the door! Life for me growing up was very traumatic and I had many bad things happen; although I am safe now and nobody can hurt me anymore, my brain when unwell, plays the bad events over and over. Some so much so, that I can’t cope and all I want to do is go to sleep… but I don’t ever want to wake up. I often wondered: is it today, or will it be tomorrow that I can no longer keep fighting the darkness.

My doctor has told me I’ve climbed mountains in my life and made it to the other side, that the past can no longer hurt me; I know he’s right, but at the time that is NOT what my brain tells me!
I suppose you could call me a working progress and believe me I can’t wait for the day when my past no longer controls my present!

I have a lot to live for, but when this happens to me I can’t see how to get there. This is why I’ve had shock treatment in the past, it works much more effectively and quicker than anti-depressants to stop the suicidal thoughts.

So what was so horrific about me going to hospital? It was the fact that I WAS about to act on those feelings and had lost all reasoning inside my brain and all I wanted to do was give up on life. Everything felt too hard when all I wanted was peace and happiness, but it wasn’t there because my past continues to plague me, the problem is; I don’t like to talk about what’s going on in my brain when this happens. For two reasons: One, I don’t won’t to worry anyone and Two, I struggle to let people in and I shut down.  If it wasn’t for my boyfriend insisting I went to my Psychiatrist, I wouldn’t even be here to write this. That’s how bad I was. Once again the past had taken control of my brain and I wasn’t able to stop it.

When I’m in remission: life is grand and everything has it’s place and I smile from morning till night, but when I become unwell, all logic flies out the door!  To me there’s nothing but obstacles and it’s at this point when I need all the love, help and understanding I can get! When this happens to me, I believe it’s not really me; it’s that little girl that gets lost inside my brain and she can only see the darkness which terrifies her, and she becomes frightened all over again. The past becomes the present, and the present seems like a distant dream.
She cries on the inside and smiles on the outside, because that’s how she survived the trauma; nobody could hear or see her pain and so she learnt to hide it. This pain went on for years before she finally got strong enough to say, no more! Yes, I am now a woman but I think there’s a part of me that’s broken and I must find peace for that girl inside or she will always be broken.

Life is definitely better than it was for me in March of this year and I’m thankful to everyone that has loved me so much to get me to this point, everyone deals with all kinds of hurtful things in their lives and I suppose we just have to work through one thing at a time. We have to forgive those that have hurt us so badly and somehow find an inner peace within ourselves. The past is the past and we have to look forward to the future or we will never really find true happiness.
Their poison will keep festering within our souls and bleed through our veins, so we must flush the poison out.

If you have dealt with trauma or know someone who has? I hug you and my heart truly feels for you. We have to try and move forward  to a bigger brighter more peaceful future.

Those that have hurt us have already robbed us of so much so lets not allow them take anymore, we all need to take back control of our own lives and destiny. A life where they no longer control us or our thoughts.

Remember, What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger! Believe in you and how strong you are to have made it to today, and every other day before that. You may not feel strong, but you are! You are reading this which tells me you are looking for ways to heal yourself and that’s how it starts, people say to forgive and forget; I say forgive, but never forget because we must remember to never allow anyone like that into our lives again. Trust is not given it’s earned, I wish you well in your quest for happiness and to heal yourself. May the universe or your god keep you safe and give you the life you truly deserve; One free of pain and suffering.

Right now I’m reading a book called:  8 Keys To Safe Trauma Recovery
By Babette Rothschild

My Dr recommended it to me. If you feel like reading a self help book on Trauma Recovery it’s not bad. 

Those that follow me regularly, please do not worry as I am healing and doing all the right things.

Exercise is the main one and believe me it works. Those happy endorphin’s are running through my blood. 🙂

I wish you peace love and happiness.

Hugs to you all, Paula xxxxx

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