Monthly Archives: May 2013
Tonight I fell apart in a way I haven’t for ages and ages. At first I was really disappointed in myself… Then, I realised it’s okay to be sad.
I think I have been holding things in for sometime and maybe it was time to come out, and not eat me from the inside out. I’ve been down that road before and I never want to go down that road again.. For my sake, and for that of those who love me. My cat Sakura has felt my emotions and stayed close by me. I love how animals pick up on this and stay close by. It’s almost like having a guardian angel looking out for me. I hug her and instantly everything inside me starts to calm down.
Depression is something I know I live with but I’ve managed to keep it at bay. Being Bipolar I don’t feel exactly different from what someone would refer as “normal” (whatever that is anyway). But I can’t be silly and have to take responsibility for watching out for my moods. I mustn’t get too low or Depression wins the fight… And then the battle begins to see which one of us will defeat the other. Once Depression wins it’s an uphill battle with many obstacles placed in your way to get through it. One day those obstacles are nothing but once Depression wins… They are everything!
You all know by now I smile through everything. It’s been my way of coping my whole life. I felt if I didn’t smile I would crumble and get sucked into this huge Abyss. This is still true and that’s why I must keep smiling. But not a fake one… A real one, that tells me and the world that I’m okay. Really okay!
I’m not a confrontational person. I run from conflict and hate arguments with a passion. I’m not capable of winning them that’s why I avoid them. This is what’s half my problem, not being able to say how I truly feel. Nobody wants to argue but some people are better at it than others. I am bad at it. Maybe this is my problem I run from things and don’t stand my ground. Maybe I should have been born an ostrich! Lol
Anyway, to those of you that helped me through this day… I thank you! 🙂
Hugs to you all Paula xxx
I love Penny’s blog and writings. This Reblog is very personal to me and I wanted to share it with everyone. It’s very deep and meaningful…thank you, Penny….Hugs to you all…..Paula xxx
Living your life for or through others is a very unhealthy thing. I wrote this for someone I know. She spent too many years in this mode until she herself realized what she needed to do for herself to be a whole person. It is a reminder to others as well:
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Right now, I am trying really hard to look for the good and overlook the bad. Sometimes I doubt myself and my abilities to look after myself and be alone. I wake and it feels like a good day – and then reality hits, and I feel low. Is it okay being alone? What becomes of your thoughts? Does your my mind wander and you get lost in your own thoughts and if it does, is this actually a good thing? Maybe you create things you never thought of doing before or try new things you never thought you were even capable of doing. Hmmm the mind boggles!
Keeping yourself busy during the day is easy and having a job even better. But what of the night time? I’m hopeless in the night… I have sleep apnea and insomnia. Crazy mix, right?? Ohhh and did I mention the big one!! Yip, I snore because of the sleep apnea. I’ll meet someone and say maybe you won’t want to sleep over, really why? Well, I kind of snore.. Hey don’t sweat it. No I mean I snore like a man! Cool I snore too. Next day… Maybe I won’t sleep over anymore!! See my dilemma?! Lol 🙂
So, maybe you watch t.v/read listen to music…*Yikes* but what if that doesn’t work and you lay awake for hours. I get really scared by myself in the house, I know I shouldn’t but I’ve always been like that. The security I have in my house with my husband is huge, And I still get scared alone! I’m lucky at this point as I’m hoping my husband and I stay on speaking terms when I leave. Why? Because I may have to talk to him on the phone till I fall asleep! LOL No, I have to be a big girl and work it out, right? Staying friends is still a good thing though.
Depression is a funny tricky little thing. You live with self doubt, yet you know you’re capable of doing so many things. Obviously negativity breeds negativity, don’t you agree? The trick here I believe is to be as positive as one can, even when you’re a mess! I’ll keep telling myself that I can do it and that I’m doing really well. Even if I’m not! 🙂 Maybe try and trick my brain into being brave. LMAO My fingers and toes are crossed that this can work!
Another thing with Depression is you either turn to food and comfort eat or you can barely eat. Now this lovely pendulum swings both ways with me. If I eat too much then I exercise like mad to get it off.Currently those cupcakes have taken a back seat. Now I just look at them and admire how pretty they look. 🙂 Much better compromise.
I’m going to start reading loads of self help and motivational books. Actually Rohan has a book about: 7 Things That Made Me Genuinely & Irreversibly Happy: And How They Can Do The Same For You. This one I started whilst away but stopped reading as it was so good, and thought it could be my bedtime companion when I leave. Very positive and inspiring! Take a look.
Depression only wins when we let it. We all have good and bad days and it’s about not sweating the little things. Again its like riding a wave… You either go with the flow or you panic and fall. Don’t let what people think about you affect you! What they think of you is none of your business. You know you and if you know deep down your hearts in the right place. Leave it there and don’t let anyone take it away from you.
Above is my panic station below is my railway track. I will follow the track and at times I may even veer off, but I WILL get back on track. I trust in fate and the universe and everything is happening for a reason. There are no chance meetings, it’s all a part of what’s meant to be. When things are bad its hard to trust in this, so we have to learn to trust in ourselves.
Don’t let Depression win..
Hugs to you all…..Paula xxx
Afternoon everyone! 🙂
Alastair has posted another great inspirational post!
How could you not reblog this. It really does apply to all of us. Hugs Paula xx
Hope you all have a fantastic weekend! 🙂