What is going on beneath the smile.
Do you ever sit there and just wonder what you’re supposed to be doing in life?
You have been the wife, the mother, the sister, the aunty… but what then???
When your life feels like it’s falling apart, who are we then? I suppose you’re always going to be the aunt/uncle, mother/father, sister/brother. But what when you’re no longer the wife/husband?
Where do you go from there and how do you get through this? My life has been amazing so far. I’ve travelled a lot and done and seen a lot of things that many people never get the opportunity to do. I’ve been happy and sad and all the normal things we feel in life. But what after divorce, what then? Leaving this part behind you seems really daunting and strange. Your social life changes and the whole family dynamics alter. You are likely to upset many people in the process and of course, let’s not forget yourself and how hard this is for you too!
Just because you’re the one to walk away, does it make this process any easier? I don’t think so! In some ways it’s a lot harder. I was married at 20 which only lasted 1 year. That was due to terrible circumstances as I was raped just before getting married and I never got over it. But still, I felt I had failed my then husband. We stayed friends for years until I finally felt I could let him go. I had my 2 boys out of wed lock! I just couldn’t seem to get this stuff right!
This time I’ve been married for 13 years but been with my husband for 15 years. We have lived all that time in the same house. Even leaving this home is daunting. It’s a part of you that you nurtured and loved to make it your home for 15 years. It holds a tie all on it’s own. Trying to let go of this you feel like your’re drowning and can’t come up for air. It’s not just a house…it’s your heart and soul! So many memories to turn your back on. You can stop this and not walk out, but sometimes life isn’t that simple. Something has changed in you and your partner. You try and fix it and remember all those memories that you have together. But for some reason, it’s still not enough. You stay together for the sake of so many people that will be affected, yet it’s almost too late. It feels strained and not normal. Why can’t you get through this and make it work, others do and have?
Maybe it was just left too late and you ignore the warning bells telling you to act quickly and do something as your marriage is in trouble. Life goes by and we throw band aids on marriage problems and file them into the “I’ll deal with them later” section! Problem is, you throw so many problems in there and forget to address them accordingly. It’s easier to just pretend they don’t exist. But they do and eventually they all catch up on you.
And by the time they do? It’s too late. When it’s over you just know and have a gut feeling, it’s too late and there’s no turning back. you now have to look to the future, whatever that may be.
So, I don’t think it’s fair to start pointing fingers as you’ve both shared so much in that time, that it’s cruel to start a slinging match. You both think you’re in the right so basically there’s no point fighting over spilt milk.
So, we have to learn to start again and see what the universe has in store for us.
You leave sometimes saying you still love each other.. But then the divorce settlement comes and yip! You can barely look at each other! It’s a process and can take a long time to get over for both parties. There is so much to consider.
Will I love again and be happy, or was this it? You failed again and what if this was your last chance. The whole process is scary and unfamiliar. I just need to find inner strength to get me through this time. This is why I have been all over the place lately.
So a new life begins and I have to be ready for what ever comes my way. I will have to learn to embrace my new life and trust in myself and what I feel is meant to be.
Do you know how I’m feeling and have you been down this road before?
Hugs to you all……Paula xxx