Hey fellow bloggers, hope all is well with you all! 🙂
You probably have noticed that I’ve commented on some of your posts, but once again have neglected my own blog.
I did say I was ready to return to blogging and that I had most of my life all sorted, but the truth is I suppose it takes longer to fully recover than I realized, or at least wanted to accept!
To go through what I did was pretty horrific and to be honest I think I was being a little optimistic about my recovery. To return to everyday life seems easier than it really is, the fact that I had become suicidal and was put into hospital isn’t really that traumatic to me; now I know you’re all going: “WHAT THE”, right? 🙂 I’ll explain, you see being Bipolar can come with many things the average person doesn’t have to cope or deal with, unfortunately some of us were just genetically dis-positioned right from the beginning.
For me, it’s not rare for my brain to think suicidal thoughts; the difference is knowing when or if you’re going to act on them. There are many people with Bipolar that deal with this, not just me and I truly feel for them. At times I can get confused with what exactly I’m thinking and at what level is the depth of that thinking, is my brain just obsessing and playing with the idea?
Can I reason with it, can I ignore it, or am I going to push the limit to see how far it will take me to the darkness?
My brain almost plays with the idea, it’s like a continuous questioning inside my brain and yet there isn’t any right or wrong answer, that’s the part that scares me. Damned if I do and damned if I don’t. Kind of like having schizophrenia, yet you don’t actually have schizophrenia. It’s like this constant chatter and questioning of yourself.
When I get really bad, my mind almost dares me to do it and once again all rational thinking is gone out the door! Life for me growing up was very traumatic and I had many bad things happen; although I am safe now and nobody can hurt me anymore, my brain when unwell, plays the bad events over and over. Some so much so, that I can’t cope and all I want to do is go to sleep… but I don’t ever want to wake up. I often wondered: is it today, or will it be tomorrow that I can no longer keep fighting the darkness.
My doctor has told me I’ve climbed mountains in my life and made it to the other side, that the past can no longer hurt me; I know he’s right, but at the time that is NOT what my brain tells me!
I suppose you could call me a working progress and believe me I can’t wait for the day when my past no longer controls my present!
I have a lot to live for, but when this happens to me I can’t see how to get there. This is why I’ve had shock treatment in the past, it works much more effectively and quicker than anti-depressants to stop the suicidal thoughts.
So what was so horrific about me going to hospital? It was the fact that I WAS about to act on those feelings and had lost all reasoning inside my brain and all I wanted to do was give up on life. Everything felt too hard when all I wanted was peace and happiness, but it wasn’t there because my past continues to plague me, the problem is; I don’t like to talk about what’s going on in my brain when this happens. For two reasons: One, I don’t won’t to worry anyone and Two, I struggle to let people in and I shut down. If it wasn’t for my boyfriend insisting I went to my Psychiatrist, I wouldn’t even be here to write this. That’s how bad I was. Once again the past had taken control of my brain and I wasn’t able to stop it.
When I’m in remission: life is grand and everything has it’s place and I smile from morning till night, but when I become unwell, all logic flies out the door! To me there’s nothing but obstacles and it’s at this point when I need all the love, help and understanding I can get! When this happens to me, I believe it’s not really me; it’s that little girl that gets lost inside my brain and she can only see the darkness which terrifies her, and she becomes frightened all over again. The past becomes the present, and the present seems like a distant dream.
She cries on the inside and smiles on the outside, because that’s how she survived the trauma; nobody could hear or see her pain and so she learnt to hide it. This pain went on for years before she finally got strong enough to say, no more! Yes, I am now a woman but I think there’s a part of me that’s broken and I must find peace for that girl inside or she will always be broken.
Life is definitely better than it was for me in March of this year and I’m thankful to everyone that has loved me so much to get me to this point, everyone deals with all kinds of hurtful things in their lives and I suppose we just have to work through one thing at a time. We have to forgive those that have hurt us so badly and somehow find an inner peace within ourselves. The past is the past and we have to look forward to the future or we will never really find true happiness.
Their poison will keep festering within our souls and bleed through our veins, so we must flush the poison out.
If you have dealt with trauma or know someone who has? I hug you and my heart truly feels for you. We have to try and move forward to a bigger brighter more peaceful future.
Those that have hurt us have already robbed us of so much so lets not allow them take anymore, we all need to take back control of our own lives and destiny. A life where they no longer control us or our thoughts.
Remember, What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger! Believe in you and how strong you are to have made it to today, and every other day before that. You may not feel strong, but you are! You are reading this which tells me you are looking for ways to heal yourself and that’s how it starts, people say to forgive and forget; I say forgive, but never forget because we must remember to never allow anyone like that into our lives again. Trust is not given it’s earned, I wish you well in your quest for happiness and to heal yourself. May the universe or your god keep you safe and give you the life you truly deserve; One free of pain and suffering.
Right now I’m reading a book called: 8 Keys To Safe Trauma Recovery
By Babette Rothschild
My Dr recommended it to me. If you feel like reading a self help book on Trauma Recovery it’s not bad.
Those that follow me regularly, please do not worry as I am healing and doing all the right things.
Exercise is the main one and believe me it works. Those happy endorphin’s are running through my blood. 🙂
I wish you peace love and happiness.
Hugs to you all, Paula xxxxx
37 responses to “Depression Exists”
Bravo my friend. This is a great post. You are very brave and you are a fighter. We need to remember this in our life and try to not to be so hard on us. It’s easy to say, “Let it go” when in reality it eats us to the core. You can do this. You have friends that understand what you are going through. Always know, that I am there for you day/night. You can always reach me through Bacon’s email. ❤ you! XOXO Bacon's MOM
Hey Bacon, your comment brought tears to my eyes. Letting the past go can be so hard when it was filled with so much trauma. I thank you for your love and support, it means a lot. I’m sending a great deal of love back your way. Hugs Paula xxxxx
aaww – Always remember – you’re not in this alone my friend. We are always here! XOXO – Bacon
It does take time, and you will get there. Your friends are here for you Paula.
Thank you for always being there I truly appreciate it.
It’s really late so I must get some sleep, nite! Hugs Paula xxxx
Good night Paula. Sleep well
My thoughts are with you!
All the best, Paula.
Thank you. 🙂 I suppose I was just letting the world see what I deal with.
Exercising is the key as is staying positive. I send you a big Koala hug. 🙂 Paula xxxxx
Thank you for the hug!
Well, I’m not an expert on this – but I think, letting it all out will surely help you.
Thank you for the update. You are in my thoughts!
Good Morning Greg,
The last year has been one big roller coaster ride and I need to get off it. Once again you have shown me your support and I’m grateful. You don’t need to see the people supporting you, because just knowing they are there makes a huge difference! So thank you. Have a great week, hugs Paula xxxxx
Hi Paula, thank you for coming out. I’m glad that were smart enough to go see your doctor. Still goodness prevails. When I was getting better, one of the books I read and re-read was The Brilliant Madness written by Patty Duke. She has bi-polar.
I’ve learned so much from reading her autobiography about mental illness.
I know you do not believe in God but I will still say a prayer for your well being. Take Care, Paula.
I will accept your prayer with open arms, thank you! As for the book I will also read it. These day I’m prepared to try anything and everything.
I’m sending love and hugs back to you, Paula xxx
Hugs to you for your strength and courage xxx
Thank you, Mumsy. 🙂
Much love back to you for your as well.
welcome back, babe! ❤ glad to see you at my post earlier: 🙂
"Our thoughts function develop inside our mind, but they have no tangible reality or intrinsic strength. No logical reason could justify our thoughts – which are insubstantial and have so much power over us, but there’s no reason for us to be their slave. Let’s leave everything in the vast space of detachment…”
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@"The past becomes the present, and the present seems like a distant dream." – PLEASE try to avoid and to refuse going back, forgive and forget… I do know it's hard, but at least TRY to move forward and to live in the present time! we all know we can't change, modify, improve anything in our past… choose and decide, don't let negative thoughts control you, honey, YOU're your own Boss, be "Invictus"(undefeated, triumphant, invincible in Latin):
"It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul."(William Ernest Henley)
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stay healthy and "cool", lots of positive vibes and HH = heartfelt hugs… ❤
Afternoon Melanie, 🙂
I hung on every word you wrote, thank you! The past is something I’ve always struggled to let go of, I hate that! Especially when no good can come from it! I feel I’m giving my power away and they are the winners and over again. I like the thought of being the Captain of my Soul. 🙂
Your a wonderful lady and I’m glad I met you here on WordPress.
Hugs and love, Paula xxxxxxx
As the previous poster said, you are a fighter and should be very proud of that. You have a great deal of strength and I for one find your blog incredibly inspiring.
Hi Dave, what a beautiful thing for you to say, thank you!
Can you feel me hug you? good, because it was a really tight hug!
Again I thank you. Hugs Paula xxxx
Hello my friend, you are incredible for doing what you do, keep that in mind and if you need/want to mail me then feel free! xx
Hey little brother! 🙂
Thank you, I appreciate that. Enjoy the rest of your week.
Hugs Paula xxx
You are a very brave lady my friend. Keep moving forward…that is all we can do. The sun will shine again….it always does.
Evening Laurie, 🙂
I don’t feel brave yet you made me feel I was, thank you!
Moving forward is where I wan’t to go. I can’t wait for the sun to shine again and Winter goes. Thanks for the advice. Many hugs, Paula xxxx
You’re such an inspiration, Paula. I just can’t begin to imagine what it must be like to live with depression, but I really admire your courage and tenacity to get through each day. Sending you lots of love and hugs. Sylvia xx 🙂
Morning Sylvia, 🙂
What a beautiful thing for you to say, thank you! It is horrible to live with and I suppose that’s why I write. I won’t others out there to know there not alone and to hang on today and live for tomorrow. Love to you, Paula xxxxx
Mwah! ♥ Have a great weekend, Paula.
Thank you. xxx
Wow your blog has totally inspired me
Hi and thanks for the lovely comment! Hope you have a great weekend.
Hugs Paula xxx
Good to see you back on your blog we have missed you, we should all be thanking your boyfriend for encouraging you to see you doctor. You stay brave and keep fighting, you really inspire me to be open and not bottle things so I say thank you Paula
Big hugs to you😻
Hey nice to see you back at my blog. 🙂
I thank him too and love him very much. I appreciate your words of encouragement and I’m really pleased your trying to not keep things bottled up. It really isn’t good for us to do as it festers inside our bodies and becomes like a poison that needs to be extracted. Much love to you, Paula xxx
you are very brave and you inspired me by this post. Life should be considered as a gift. Cherish it. I hope you happiness and success.
Thank you, that’s really lovely of you to say. It is a gift and sometimes we need to be reminded. I suppose we take baby steps and deal with the pain bit by bit till it slowly dissolves away. Hugs to you, Paula xxxx
Thank you for this post. You’re the first person I’ve come across who seems to understand the battle with suicidal thoughts. I’m only alive today because I failed attempts that the professionals said should have killed me.
I’ve battled bipolar for 17 years but only got taken seriously 6 months ago. I was first diagnosed 17 years ago but ran into problems 12 years ago when an idiot psychiatrist decided because of the thoughts of self harm and suicide I suffer from during depressive episodes, I must have borderline pd. he later admitted he was wrong to my face but said he refused to change my diagnosis because he doesn’t want his colleagues to know he made a mistake. So he did things like falsify symptoms in my chart.
I eventually escaped seeing him but not until the damage was done to me. He would mess with my medications, taking me off ones that were working. Etc. I don’t believe in ECT and have an advance directive to refuse it but I really should have been referred for it at the time. Instead I was refused hospital altogether and then only offered day stays as a way to punish me for making complaints about my treatment. The psych knew staying a day or two would make me worse, seeing other less depressed people getting treatment while being refused it myself.
Eventually I beat that depressive episode but my treatment has scarred me. The suicide attempts haunt me both physically and mentally.
I am lucky this time to have found a good psychiatrist and got admitted to hospital and put on new meds (finally off Seroquel which I hated taking). And after several increases in doses, the awful thoughts of hurting or killing have finally nearly stopped. I know they will be back eventually. The longest I’ve gone without depression is five years before my medication stopped working, so I’m sure the depression will return but it’s nice not to have the bad thoughts in my head.
Thank goodness you are away from this Doctor! I’ve never heard of such unprofessionalism before.
I think only us that suffer with the suicide thoughts can truly relate to each other and empathize. Internally it can be a daily struggle that eventually wears you down. ECT treatment truly saved me from myself and the darkness. I don’t like experiencing them but at the same time, I know they help me. I’m really happy that you have found a great psychiatrist as they play a massive part in our well being!
Much love and positive thoughts your way.
Take care of you. Hugs Paula xxxxxx