Monthly Archives: January 2013
I so love this one! Had to re-blog it! Plus he shares my love of the Doors!!
Have a great day everyone! Hugs Paula xxx
They say FEAR stands for False Evidence Appearing Real.
So how does it feel so real at the time?
You can fear things like snakes, spiders, flying, clowns, driving, drowning, heights, etc etc…
To me, they kind of seem justified. But why do we fear the unknown???? Why can’t we look at something and go “Hey! That looks really different and exciting- I think I’ll go check it out! Who cares if I fail – at least I gave it my best shot!”.
Ohhhh to be like that I would give my right arm. OR MAYBE NOT!!! Lol This is especially prevalent when I’m on a high. No, not drugs, but hypomania, which comes with being Bipolar. Hypomania can get you into trouble. But, at the same time, it doesn’t limit your thinking! You want to try and do everything even if you fail! You have a million ideas running through your mind.
Now, I don’t often talk about it, but I have another personality…. Who I call Ann! (don’t be scared now!) Lol
No, I don’t have schizophrenia. But if you want to know where it all started you can go back in time to my discussion about Ann. It’s not a nice post, but it explains how Ann emerged.
I kind of look at her as an ultra ego type of personality that I created in order to get through my life at the time. But she never left me.
Now when we talk about fear, Paula has all the “What If’s” and “Hang on lets think about this?”. Basically, she’s cautious and very responsible.
When you talk about fear to Ann, she feels strong and will do anything to break through the restraints. She could move mountains if it were possible and won’t let fear intimidate her. I think it all comes back to that Fight Flight Thing I just talked about in the last post. It’s really hard to explain, but I believe the two personalities compliment each other. During the day, I would not wear any make-up. The moment night came and I was going out, Ann emerged. The change was incredible. I knew it was always me; just a much wilder, harder to control me! I haven’t meet a person that hasn’t liked Ann. She will draw you into her world and hold you there. Ann became my protector when I felt I had been abandoned by those I trusted.
No matter what, the moment I have one drink… I’m Ann. Paula can go out saying she’ll only stay a while, then Ann takes over and she’s the last to leave. My doctor agrees that the two personalities work. In a way that is totally dissimilar to Jekyll and Hyde!! Lol
Luckily the two are friendly only one is a great deal more open to anything and everything and Ann is very assertive. Ann got me into heaps of trouble and took me down paths I should never have gone. My husband loves Ann – Paula pales in comparison! Sometimes now it’s hard for me to say which one I prefer.Why? because I’m both and one without the other wouldn’t be me!
When my mum was pregnant with me they told her at about 3 months that she had lost her baby. I will spare you the details. So she went back to life as usual. 8 or so weeks later she went back to the doctor as she felt something moving inside. Yip, that was me!! The only way they could explain it was she was more than likely carrying twins and lost one. I was only 5 pounds as I was born 6 weeks premature. Hence the name Paula …. Meaning small!
God forbid… Imagine if there was another me!
Where am I going with this?
Internally I’ve always felt alone yet I’ve never been alone. It’s the strangest feeling in the world. My whole family know that I blame Ann for everything. When I was late, drinking too much, doing whatever I felt like…I Blamed her.
It’s strange to have a second personality that your family like and accept. If I cry and feel lost about my life, Ann comes and finds things to make me laugh. It’s very childish I know, but it’s always worked.When the chips are down she’s the one that pulls me up and makes me start again. Ann walks into a room and demands the attention. She can work the room with great gusto. She loves to meet new people and can mix with anyone. Paula isn’t as confident, and will survey a room looking for the exit!
If you were to spend time with me you may or may not pick up on the two personalities, but for sure you will wonder where all my enthusiasm comes from. If I see someone down, Paula will want to embrace you and know your life story. Ann doesn’t want to know anything, she will just make you laugh and encourage you to push through! I suppose people that know me on wordpress see this side a lot! I will always encourage people, especially when you’re down. I can’t help it. It’s part of who I am.
Being like this is why I think my husband says I’m embracing with one arm and holding people at bay with the other. Ann won’t let anyone hurt Paula!
What both personalities do have though is a huge amount of love to give everyone. My type of love may not be the falling-in-love romance type. But free, unconditional love, without prejudice.
Hopefully I haven’t scared or pushed any of you away. Again, it’s not schizophrenia. It’s someone my mind created to protect me when I was young. And decided to keep around.
So, am I alone out there or do you or anyone you know have another personality?
Hugs to you all
x Paula and Ann!!!
I think highly of Ivonne and adore her poem! Hope everyone is well! Hugs to you all….. Paula xxxxx
I moved towards the box…..
I touched it with fear…..
I touched it with loathing…..
It held my scars
It held my hurts
I did not even know
that it was there…
It took so long to find
buried deep within
My hand shook
my hand trembled
as it reached for the lid…..
about to release what had been hid
I closed my eyes
for fear of what I would find
but I had to find my way out
of the dark abyss …….
or I would lose my mind…….
and as I opened her up
the light pierced my soul
and every hurt,
and every pain,
and every loss,
ripped through my body
until all that was left
was my heart and soul…..
bathed in the light of peace.
~♥ ivonne p montijo ♥~© 2013
Evening everyone! I hope you all have a great weekend! I love Davids post and this was definitely worth re-blogging! Love to you all, Paula xxx
By David Joel Miller.
Who talks badly about you?
If you were on a desert island, with no one around to criticize you, would you still feel badly about yourself?
Interesting question. I saw this question in a book titled “Be Glad you’re Neurotic” by Dr. Louis Bisch, one of the founders of the New York Psychoanalytic Society and Institute. I have paraphrased it slightly. It was a valid question back in 1936 when his book was published and it is still a good question today. This is not the post to go in to the whole Neurosis verses Specific Diagnosis thing or talk about the difference between psychoanalysis and the kind of brief therapy in vogue today. We may get back to that later – maybe not.
What is important at this point in our series on moving towards your happy life is the question of how much of…
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Depression exists as a result of all sorts of things. One of them being, so to speak, “unfinished business”.
When we hold on to things and find it hard to really explain how were feeling, it’s easy to get lost in that dark world. Sometimes you don’t have the words; or even know if there are any… But deep down you’re hurt and lost. You know you need to come up for air but then something pulls you back down again.
I think we have a treasure chest, only not filled with gold… It’s filled with all the things we hold in our minds and heart. Some good things and some unfinished/unresolved/hurtful things.
Sometimes I wonder if we really know what we want in life. Are our expectations too high? Unrealistic? I have found that by slowly emptying this chest my mind becomes more free, and with less baggage to deal with life starts getting better and better.
Depression plays with our minds and creeps up on us when we aren’t being true to ourselves. You can’t lie to your mind and say everything’s okay when it’s not. Your mind knows this is false and will continually keep questioning you until you deal with whatever you’ve tried to bury away. I used to be brilliant at burying things away, but now my mind goes ahha Paula … NO WAY!!! You need to fix this!
My husband once told me that I never really let anyone in… Like, really in. He says I hug with one arm whilst the other keeps everyone at a distance. Maybe he’s right? I suppose that we all have this barrier we put up when we don’t know – or can’t face – certain things in our life. Once you have been hurt a few thousand times (okay slight exaggeration!! lol) It’s our way of protecting ourselves from having to go through that again.
I think it’s just part of that whole fight or flight thing. We don’t want to be hurt or have our hearts broken. In the end we are forced to face whatever the issue/s are that are holding us back. Usually we want to run from it, make excuses for it.. Basically do whatever it takes to not have to deal with it!
In the end we only get hurt deeper and pull those we love into that place with us. We need to stop and recognise this. Why should they have to go where we don’t want to be ourselves? Depression is not just about a dark place. It’s cold and lonely and you’re left feeling numb.
But who want s to be alone?? I don’t! And nor should you!
I force myself to see good even when it may not really be there. Love is strong and can pull you out of anything. It can let people in and dispel loneliness. Don’t push them away! Maybe this way they can learn to understand you and comfort you in times of need.
I can tell the everyone in the world that I love them. But do I truly understand what it’s like to love deeply? I think I’m learning and that’s all we can do. Keep learning and growing as a person.
So, do I love you all???? Yes!! In my own non gay/freaky/stalker kind of way!
Huge hugs and love to all of you. Stay healthy and open to love!