Tag Archives: Our Country Property

My Weekend

I went in to feed Daisy, Bushy, Crossy and Piggy this weekend and believe me it’s not an easy thing to do when they want their pellets. lol

They nearly bowled me over at one point. But they are ever so cute.

Sheep 1

Sheep 2

Sheep 3

My beautiful boy Teco once again.

Teco and I

I’m not into harming any kind of animals or humans. This was just target practice with the shotgun. The only time it would be used would be to protect the animals and kill deadly snakes. Other than that, I hate guns, but they are a necessity to protect animals from predators.

This is the most wonderful Easter cupcakes anyone has made for me. My 6yr old niece and sister-in-law made them for me. Ohhhhh!!! I showed great self restraint… I shared with everyone and only ate one! lol

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Hope you all had a wonderful Easter! hugs Paula xxxxx

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Filed under My experiences, What makes me happy

Depression Exists

cupcakes

Depression Exists:

As you all know lately I’ve been all over the place. However, Depression hasn’t won this time and I intend for it to never win again!  It’s just me I personally have been all over the place. But now I’m  starting to focus and get my act together once more.

Once you realise that you can’t control everything, life seems to get easier. I thought I had to control everything, but then life did a turn and I no longer had to. Meaning I got married and was in a position that I no longer had to work! My youngest was 5 then and my oldest was 14. The 14 year old had been used to me working all his life, but they both loved me being a stay at home mum.

At first this was a huge novelty to me and I had no idea how to occupy myself. I learnt piano when I was young and so thought what the hell, I’ll learn again. I had a spiritual piano teacher and she taught me how to relax and ground myself. I learnt classical and felt really confident with her by my side. I loved the music but really struggled to read it. So, I played a lot by ear.

Then one day, I hurt my hand learning to  play  Moonlight Sonate. It should have taken a break but I insisted on getting it right using the wrong fingering over and over  and ended up with tendinitis. I took a break but in the process lost my confidence. I had been with her for 3 years but all of a sudden I couldn’t hear the music. No one understood; I had played it and loved it. There I was, confidence shattered. I told myself I could no longer play. Just like that, I closed the lid and have barely opened it since.

My son talked me into it a couple of times and recently I mucked around with my 11 month old niece on it. She couldn’t judge me. Actually I’m my worst critic and, at times, my worst enemy. I thought of going back to it. My husband suggested I learn the guitar. He has more faith in me than I do and misses hearing me play. Confidence can be a real prick. Sorry! But it’s true. You lose it and tell yourself you can no longer do something and suddenly… Guess what? You can’t! So, the piano just looks at me and I feel like a failure.

When I knew my confidence had taken a dive, I needed something to make me feel worthy. Yes, we all need to feel this. and being home is great, but we need to keep ourselves active members of society. I ended up throwing huge Christmas parties at a function centre.  It was the party of the year to come to. It was so much fun and every year I had a different theme with all props matching. I bought gifts for Santa to give all the children. There was Fat Cat, Fairies, D.J.’s, and a number of other entertainers. Boy was it fun. The food was the biggest thing to organise, and of course the alcohol. My brother-in-law is a lawyer so he took responsibility for the bar!! Lol I told myself I would stop when my son graduated year 12 (he was 17 years old). I did stop then; it had become quite expensive.

During this period there was no time for depression – I was too busy! Lol

I renovated a number of homes. Not pulling walls down and doing brick work, but being the project manager. All renovations need one as everything needs to flow, just like music! Lol  I was great at keeping tradies happy… No, not in an ilicit sort of way… But that would have probably made for a better story!
Tradies hate it when other tradesman are in their working space, and rightfully so. I became a great cleaner and negotiator.  I did 7 homes in 14 years and whilst it was fun, it’s also very tiring and stressful! Yet you look at the end result and go, I want to do it again! lol

To do nothing only brings about depression as you have too much time to analyse – and over analyse – everything and anything. You make mountains out of molehills and everything becomes bigger than Ben-Hur!!

Keeping yourself occupied is one f the best things you can do for your mind.

Then last year I decided I wanted to volunteer for an organisation. I responded to an advertisement looking for someone to help at an old peoples home. Right, I can do that…. Well so I thought!  When I started I thought “how on earth am I going to remember all these peoples names and areas they belong in!”. But like everything, in time you learn and it becomes second nature. I stayed for 8 months and in that time I met some beautiful people and heard some really great old stories. But it’s not really the place for anyone with any sort of Depression. Why? On one hand it’s incredibly rewarding… and then the other it’s the most depressing place ever!!

The families that love and respect their elderly are easy to see, their loved one has photos, pretty blankets, ornaments, t.v’s, some even have their own laptops. They are happy cheery people and can’t wait for their families to turn up. The ones abandoned there have nothing but their beds and worn out old clothes. It’s heartbreaking to see and these people are generally quite sad and lost. I spent time in the dementia ward and this was not for the fainthearted. I loved being there yet there were times it was a little scary and you had to take a break. It’s so hard watching the families losing all hope as their parents slowly forget who they are. Dementia is a cruel disease and robs everyone of all dignity in the end.

At the same time I was volunteering I was in the midst of renovating my last home. We had 2 really big storms come through. It caused major flooding to the house and I needed to spend more time getting things sorted out there. Plus I had tradies crossing each other and they weren’t happy. So, I made the decision to leave the old peoples home. They asked if I would come back when the house sold, but I didn’t. I really thought about it and didn’t think it’s the place to be for me personally. I loved these people and unfortunately I’m the type of personality that if you have a problem, then it’s mine too! Crazy I know but I’ve always been like that. I always feel like I can fix the world. When they were sad I was sad… And when they were singing and clapping their hands? So was I.

The house finally got finished and I had free time, which I loved actually. Then we had things we wanted to do at our rural property and so I spent time meeting the council and organising paperwork. We had some great wins and were given approval to install some additional forms of housing. My nephew turned a complete heap of rubbish donga/transportable into a beautifully equipped little home. We still have 2 more to do, but at least all major plumbing and electrical work is nearly completed.

So now it’s time to go and play… Jobs are all done and I’m off on a holiday. Well, two holidays actually! I shall write about them before I leave!

So for me, reading, exercising and eating, keeping myself healthy is a part of the bigger picture we call life… They are what are keeping me sane. People think it’s great to not have to work and to some degree, I agree. But overall for our own self esteem we need to stay connected to the world and not lose our own self worth. Because this is what nearly happened to me. I frustrate myself because I can do more than I realise or give myself credit for. Being negative is easy… It’s staying positive that’s the challenge!

What do you do to stay sane?

Hugs to you all….Paula xxx

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Filed under Fight Depression, My experiences

Things I Love

120011 i am free to love what i loveThings I love:

I love to close my eyes and feeling the sun’s warmth on my face.

I love my family, for without them I would be lost.

I love listening to the birds chirping early in the morning.

I love that I live in a democracy, and am free to believe what I choose, without fear of imprisonment.

I love going to our property and seeing our animals for they give me a peace like no other.

I love cupcakes because – strangely – they make me feel calm.

I love that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side.

I love clowns as they make me feel happy.

I love hearing the sound of laughter.

I love spring and the new beginning it brings.

I love  music. These are just some of my favourite artists: The Doors (loved Jimmy), Fleetwood Mac, QUEEN (Incredible vocalist), The Eagles,Dire Straits, Michael Jackson; ( Leave behind the controversy that always followed him, and remember the amazing artist that he was), Joan Armatrading , Rolling Stones, U2, AC/DC, INXS ( Taken way too young!) Carole King, Phil Collins, Led ZeplinPink FloydRickie Lee-Jones, Sarah McLachlan,Beethoven and Mozart.

I love a great book that you can’t put down.

I love money. It doesn’t buy happiness, but it gives you freedom, and for that I’m grateful.

I love shopping. Retail therapy can be fun.

I love and appreciate our blogging community/family.

I love all people from all walks of life and all cultures. From every country and every continent. We are all one!

There are so many things that we love in life. When you feel like your whole world is falling apart, you just have to stop and remember them. If you can’t? Then find someone who will help you remember.:)

What do you love?

xxxxx

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My Teco boy (with no wool!)

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Teco 2

Teco 3

Teco and Margie

Teco

Well here he is guys, the boy I love so much. Even with out his beautiful woollen coat!

I was telling Nafees today about how when I went to Teco boy and put my arms around to cuddle him he let his head fall into mine and just laid against me! Can you love someone more than you think you already do? Well at that moment I did! My heart melted and  I felt in awe of him and then to feel some reciprocated love… Bliss!

So, being the proud mother I thought I would show you pictures of my beloved Teco. The photo of me laughing was because he nudged me so hard I nearly fell over. He just thought he was hugging into me. Lol

Now remember I adore Margie, but our love is through eye contact only! She watches me shower him with affection, but no matter how much I try to have contact with her – it’s a No. So I look into her eyes as I’m feeding her and tell her she’s my princess. No matter what!  I just have to respect the way she wants to love me and be patient. 🙂

Hope you all had a great weekend! Love and hugs to you all……Paula xx

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Filed under What makes me happy

Happy New Year, Everyone!

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Helllooo my lovely bloggers and blogettes 🙂

Happy New Year to you all!

Sorry I have taken so long to get back blogging! I have been really busy at our property and have being going backwards and forwards, country/city, city/country, etc, etc, etc, ever since Boxing Day!

Boy am I tired! My nephew has been renovating our dongas/transportable homes (a 30ft  and a 20ft) so that way when we are visiting our property, we have our own space. My son likes us staying in the house but I believe we all need personal space, even if you’re 28 and still love your mummy being around! Lol. They are caretakers of the the property. I’ll explain for those of you that are new to my blog? It’s 116 acre bush/rural property where my son, his wife and their two beautiful boys live. Additionally, amongst a menagerie of other animals, I keep my beloved babies Margie and Teco boy. They are the new loves of my life that bring me comfort, joy and a peace like I’ve never known before! I used to really dislike the country and nature, but when I got these two beautiful Llamas I fell in love with their world! I can just sit on a log amongst them and watch them for hours. (I don’t sit for hours though, as my behind would hurt! Lol). It’s really hot out there at the moment. One of the days was 47 degrees Celsius ! I nearly melted and spent most of that day in the pool. But in autumn and early winter it’s the most magical place, the misty mornings, wind  blowing, birds chirping and sitting on that log with my babies is too beautiful for words. I wish you all could just come sit with me. Imagine me liking nature? Who would have thought! 🙂

Teco has been shorn but unfortunately Margie wouldn’t let us catch her and therefore is wandering around with a wool coat on! The good news is that because the temperature has changed so much it would be bad to shear her as she could get sunburnt and isn’t as independent as Teco boy. When he first got shorn he felt less “manly” you might say and sulked in the back corner of the paddock. By the end of the day he came for me to cuddle him and reassure him that he was still beautiful in my eyes! 🙂 If a Llama male plays up they shear them as it calms them down. When they are really woolly they feel like they’re The Man. But with no wool they become meek and mild! Teco boy has been spade but still ruled the paddock from Margie!

Life has gone back to normal and even with no wool, he’s the leader again. His masculinity still prevailed 🙂 Go my boy!!

We really wanted Margie to get shorn, not just because she’s more woolly than him, but also to find out whether she’s pregnant. Remember she was mated just before I got her as I wanted a pregnant Llama? When put back with the male, she spat at him which should mean she is pregnant. But maybe she was having a bad day! 🙂  Spitting at the male is usually a sign for them to back off as she is in a delicate condition.  I have yet to find out, but if it is the case, her baby will be due about the 10th of June! Boy, I will be SO excited if she is. Prepare yourself to be inundated with baby Llama pictures! 🙂 If not, I don’t care as I love her to bits and at least she won’t have to go through that whole giving birth thingy! Lol.

This year I’m going to do my darndest (if there is such a word) to be as happy as I once was. It’s been 2 years since I tried to take my life and now I want my life back. I want to try and let go of the past and look to my future. Happiness is out there – I just have to find it again! Blogging through 2012 and having you wonderful people in my life really has provided me with so much love. Thank you, to all of you!!

My blog is Depression Exists and therefore I will still blog about it regularly; remembering that I have been diagnosed with Bipolar, OCD, Borderline Personality Disorder and Anxiety and Mood Disorder, there are always a lot of things going on! Life is a journey into the unknown with me and if you want you can follow along and read all about it.

We will be happy, sad, confused and at times lonely, but we will always find a way to smile and laugh!

I think this year is going to be a brilliant year so lets push the past behind us, and say “No more will you rule me!”

I missed you!

Love and prosperity in 2013 to all of you!!

Super Paula hugs to one and all!!!

xxxxx

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Filed under Fight Depression, What makes me happy

Happy Weekend!

 

I am heading down to see my llamas.

Have a great weekend!

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Filed under What makes me happy

Have a good weekend

Goose up close

Hi everyone,

Just wishing you all a great weekend!

Gone to hug my baby Teco (for those that don’t know that’s my Llama).

Have fun and be kind to yourself!!! 

love Paula xxxx

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