Health Update

Hey world, how are you all? I have so missed you and your blogs.

Well, I came out of hospital like I said on the last post which was my birthday. I was relieved to be back home with my Sakura and my birds, Pippa and BJ.

I was allowed home on the condition I have maintenance ECT’s once  a week. So I go into hospital every Wednesday, have the ECT on Thursday morning and come home mid-morning. At first I wanted the Doctor to stop them as I had enough, but the truth is I think I need to keep up with them. Why you say? Okay, I’ll tell you! Lol

You see when you have Bipolar, life can be darn right tricky and at times you can be fooled into thinking everything is okay… When really, it’s not. Admitting you have a problem isn’t an easy task, actually far from it. Someone like me, who likes to smile and joke around, finds it difficult to come out and say “I need help”. I tend to keep it hidden deep inside me and it takes all my strength to hold on and not let the negative thoughts take over my head.

I love everyone around me and I have a great support network of people who love me,  but when you’re sliding into the darkness you try hard to not take them with you. In saying that, those around me want me to offload the burden onto them as they feel it will make life easier for me. As mush as I would love to do that, I still haven’t found the courage or the strength to reach out for help and take them into my darkness. There are times when I am alone and cry and ask God if he is real, please save me and let me have peace in my mind just like everyone else. I’m not religious as many of you know, but I’m a good person and feel if he is real he just might answer my prayer and one day make me free from this illness.

When I go into hospital my heart goes out to so many of the people there. We all take life and our health for granted, but what happens when our mental health goes haywire and we are left with this burden of trying to work out what life is all about and where we fit in the big picture of it all! I have a great life, filled with great friends and family, yet when darkness knocks at my door? I can try to ignore it but in the end I’m forced to answer it because the bell won’t stop ringing. So I let it in and then I’m forced to work it all out. Now at first it ignores me and stays swarming all around me, engulfing me in its darkness. But I want – and need – to live, so I have to look deep inside my soul to find the courage and strength to beat the darkness.

I stay away from dark coloured clothes as my Doctor says this is a good thing to do. I love black so I force myself into brighter colours when darkness looks like it could win. Some days it’s all so hard and I just want to sit down and say, No More! If it wasn’t for all the people I love so much I really would just give in. But NO!! I won’t and can’t let those that have loved me so dearly in life feel punished by my death. When we die a part of everyone that has loved us die as well, and that’s not fair.

There are many parts to Paula, and even though she fights the darkness, from time to time another part of her pushes her to keep going because happiness is there and soon it will engulf me and not the darkness. I will be free and happy and this is what keeps me going.

I appreciate every single one of you that has sent me well wishes, and your strength gives me courage to keep going. I am more than someone with Bipolar, I’m a mother to 2 beautiful sons (22 and 30) I’m a sister to 4 brothers and 1 sister, I’m an Aunt to 15 children, Mother Cat to my gorgeous Sakura and my 2 birds 🙂 I’m a friend to many beautiful and wonderful people. And I’m a girlfriend to an amazingly beautiful  man who has stuck by my side through all this ugliness that took over my body and tried to claim my soul. It’s all of these reasons that I’m fighting so hard to keep on track. And I will succeed for I can’t have these people’s lives ruined because I wasn’t strong enough to fight the battle with in.

I felt as if I should share this side of me. This is a blog about Depression, right? I am making myself be honest about my thoughts and feelings, baring myself to you. No one likes talking about Depression, but it’s real and it’s engulfing and terribly ugly. Breathing is like hyperventilating and you wonder how you’ll get that next breath out. It’s cruel and lonely no matter how many people are on your side you feel alone.

To anyone out there suffering in silence, I embrace you and urge you to tell someone, don’t be alone and fight the battle with no one on your side. Reach out to anyone that you trust and ask for help. You’re not crazy because your suffering with Depression – or any other mental disorder… You have just hit a bump in this things we call life. Don’t isolate yourself for you are a wonderful human being that deserves to be here as much as anyone else. Saying you need help is not a weakness, it shows great courage. Don’t give in, for you are worth the fight. I may not know you but I know your pain and feel your sadness. Tomorrow really is another day, so hold on and reach out for help. You’re beautiful and I know that there must be people around you who would support you and be at your side in a flash if they knew that they could lose you. Be strong, and hold on to whatever makes you happy.

Before I go, I just wanted to tell you all that I miss reading all of your blogs. Please forgive me if I don’t get around to answering or reading all your posts. I will do my best, but like I said it’s not a great time for me so I can only do so much right now. I really wanted to just touch base with you all and let you know where my health is at. I will give it my best shot to check out as many blogs as I can. But I’m not sure how far I’ll get. Much love to you all and I’m so grateful to all of you that have stuck by me during this dark time in my life.

Many hugs to you all, Paula xxxxxx

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Feeling Better

Hey guys, hows things?

Well I have had 7 ECT’s  (electro convulsive therapy) and am still in Perth Clinic.

I have 1 more ECT left which will be tomorrow, Wednesday the 19th March… MY BIRTHDAY!!

Not my favourite way to spend my birthday but I am becoming happy cheery me once again. I have cried so much I scared myself – I didn’t think that could be possible, but I did!  Perth Clinic really is a terrific psychiatric hospital. It’s like being in a 5 star hotel – even the food is restaurant quality. The staff are all personable and approachable. It feels as if you are being counselled by a friend, that’s how beautifully trained they are.  In fact, one of the nurses asked me if I have a blog, which of course I told her I do. She told me she reads this here blog and so to her I would like to say, HELLO!! Lol. You have given me some great training exercises. On top of all that, you have been so friendly and helpful and I thank you for the support and friendship you showed me during a really hard time of my life.

I am feeling better. One day at a time, but things are improving. There are a number of people that have provided unending support during these past few dark weeks, and I would like to take a few moments to acknowledge them…

A big thank you to my boyfriend. He could have left me during this hard time in my life, but he didn’t, he’s stayed by my side and for that I can truly say, I LOVE YOU! Before I felt alone for whatever the reason, but I no longer feel alone, I feel your presence. Thank you for loving me and staying by my side, I will never forget it. Your love will not be wasted on me as I love you more than words can say.

And my son, my beautiful handsome son, who has been by my side every single night. He’s a killer ladies, but I’m not allowed to show a photo of him. Lol His name is Kieran and I adore him and love him for the unconditional love he has shown me while I have been in hospital. He has been my pillar of strength and I will never forget the support he has provided. I really don’t think I would have made it if it wasn’t for him. And my sister, my gorgeous sister, I love you and thank you for your love and support in this last few weeks. This is not easy for my family to have gone through and for all their love and support I thank them immensely. They have been by my side all the way and I am so very grateful.

I am able to publish this post tonight but am unlikely to be able to respond to comments until after I am released tomorrow. On my birthday!

I have spend time at home over the last weekend. You are allowed home on weekends but this was the first time I had done so – I was too sick over the weekends before. You’re allowed home till 9pm each day on the weekend, and Kieran was lovely in assisting me in getting there and back. It felt good to be back in my home, and it was especially wonderful to spend time with my beloved Sakura.

So life will soon be back to normal for Paula. So to all of you and all of your well wishes??? I love you and embrace you for the love and support that you showed me during a very difficult time in my life.  To anyone else that is still suffering? I hug you and say be kind to yourself, one day at a time. Be kind to yourself and know we are all here for you.

Much love to you all,

hugs and much much love, Paula xxxxxx

Getting Help

Hello my lovely bloggers,

Yep, I’ve been away from my blog way too much lately and was hoping to be back blogging this week.

Well, I am back – but not in a way I thought I would be. I went to see my psychiatrist today and we made the decision to admit me into hospital tomorrow morning (being yesterday, now). It’s not where I want to be but I have to be honest to my readers and to myself. And the truth is I just can’t make it alone right now. I kind of need a breather from life and need to get my head back down to earth and out of the hell it’s taking me into. I adore my sons, family, friends and the blogging community and this is the right course of action for me to be healthy. I’ve said it many times before that Bipolar is a tricky thing to live with, and sometimes there are things inside me that even I don’t understand why I’m feeling a certain way… I just am! There is a lot happening in my personal life and I suppose this doesn’t help the situation. I know life isn’t easy and there will always be good and bad days but this is different, this is the the time when you go “barleese! I can’t do this alone anymore I need help!”.  My doctor will play around with my medications to try and balance life out for me and I’m hopeful this will be just a few days.

Suicide is not the answer or an option so therefore I’m being responsible and getting the help I need. Perth Clinic is a lovely private psychiatric hospital and I’m fortunate that my ex-husband is still covering my health care otherwise the alternative would have been horrific for me. Our public psych hospital is definately not for the faint hearted.

Anyway, I shall be back as soon as life and Paula become one again. I urge anyone suffering in silence to seek professional help. It’s not a sign of weakness it’s a sign of courage to keep fighting the battle of the darkness to once again see and love the light.

To anyone suffering with deep Depression? Know that it is real and it DOES EXIST no matter what anyone tells you!! Seek help, reach out, shout, hell scream if you have to until someone listens to how your feeling. It’s real, it’s painful, it’s crushing, it’s lonely and believe me it’s like living in a hell. But don’t ever let it beat you!! Don’t say you don’t want to wake up tomorrow. Say you need to wake up tomorrow but need someone to stay close by you till tomorrow comes…  you can make it but not alone and not in silence! I urge you to just reach out.

Don’t isolate yourself it’s the worst thing to do. Just hang on until tomorrow and then try again. Trust me the people that truly love you will never give up on you or leave you alone if they know what’s really going on in that mind of yours. DON’T SUFFER IN SILENCE.

And most of all?  know that you are loved by more people than you would ever know or realise. Get through today and see what tomorrow brings, it’s not easy but you can do it. Take care of you and know that there are people out here that care for you and haven’t even met you, but they know and understand your pain!

Many hugs to you all, Paula xxxx

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My Sakura

Afternoon Everyone!

Well my Sakura has been acting really strange with her food for the past 6 weeks, so I decided to take her to the vet for a check up.

She’s a small cat and I’ve always given her Iaams biscuits and Dine or Fancy Feast wet food every other day. With the Iaams you don’t really have to give wet food but I did it just so she wouldn’t get bored with her biscuits. Unlike many other cats I’ve always been able to leave her bowl full of biscuits because she only takes little bites here and there.

Well lately she has been cutting me off on the way to get her tin food and crying at my feet to go and get more! She never ever does this. The other night I was eating my dinner and she jumped up next to me and nearly took the food out of my mouth! YIKES!! What the, “I thought?” She’s been wormed regularly even though she’s purely an indoor cat.

So off I go to the vet and he tests her urine for Diabetes, and that comes out all clear. Hmmm, okay, “what now?” now you need blood test and maybe she could have a thyroid problem as she’s also lost weight! What my baby lost weight and her mummy didn’t even notice! Bad mummy cat, I am! 🙂  Good news was that her teeth are all good as they thought maybe she had a fracture and that’s why she was by-passing the biscuits. Sigh of relief teeth all good, tick! 🙂

Hmmm so now blood was taken and I have to wait for the results. He’s testing for a few things and I’m just hoping that whatever – if anything – is wrong, that it can be fixed with medication.

BTW: Is a vet the richest profession or what? Lol the tests cost me $350.

But she is worth all my money and more. Crazy how our pets turn us all into children when we talk to them, especially when they are sick or we think they are sick, right? Haha.

Okay, since writing this yesterday and throwing it into my drafts,  my vet phoned and it seems my baby is extreme dehydrated and is refusing to drink to help that. She’s never been a big drinker but I now have to find ways to make her! Try milk, he said. So, I tried milk which she never has had and she actually drank it. Yay!!  So I tried again today and she snubbed it! Booo

Apparently the reason shes cutting me off to get her wet food is that she’s getting the moisture from it. Naughty girl. 🙂

Anyways I’m trying all the things he told me to do and will get her weighed again in 3 weeks to make sure she’s not still losing weight. He said feed her as much as her little heart desires until we can sort this out.

Sadly he thinks she’s under stress from the move even though it’s been 6 months. He said as she’s an indoor cat there could be stray cats coming to the windows when I’m out and that could be causing her stress.  He also said not drinking is almost like self sabotaging herself. 😦  My poor girl is 11 now and I suppose she’s becoming more delicate. 🙂 But it’s too hot right now for her to not drink very much.

So anyone have any tips on getting my princess to drink?

Hugs to you all, Paula xxxxx

Hello!

 

Hi there everyone, 🙂

Boy was the Christmas break full on with lots of things to do and plenty of drinking… Actually, too much drinking!

I put on about 2 kilos and are now thinking it’s about time to try and send them back to wherever it is they came from. I think they call it the the cake, chocolate, potato chip bourbon county? Not sure exactly where it is but I’m sure some of you have already had run-ins with this community. They love to leave you with a few kilos here and there and take no responsibility for it. I think i need to complain to their lord mayor, does anyone know his or her name?? Hahahaha

Okay I’ll be serious now. 🙂

As many of you know I come from Australia (Oz, or the land Down Under to some) but the city I live in is Perth, Western Australia. For those that don’t know, Sydney and Melbourne are on the East side which are much cooler States than Perth, yet Melbourne has been experiencing extremely high heats lately also! Our world is changing. 🙂 Now we recently had the Ashes (cricket) here and the poor guys had to play in 44 degrees Celsius. Let me tell you, that is scorching hot and not for the faint of heart. Now playing cricket in that and standing around for hours on end? Grueling!  I would take my hat off to them if I had one for their perseverance. And lets not forget their die hard fans that sat in that crowd cheering them on and showing their support.  I say well done to both the Aussies and the English team!! 🙂

A friend of mine took me last week to watch the 20/20 cricket game here at the WACA. Never before going to watch a game I was a little hesitant about what it would be like, but PEOPLE it was awesome!! So much fun and so exciting. The crowd were all so excited and pumped and I love the vibe and how they encourage the crowds to cheer their team on and how they play music in between the shots. It’s so cool and the game is so fast with heaps of 4’s and 6’s been hit into the crowds. If you’ve never been to one and get the opportunity to do so? I say go for it as you won’t regret it! Oh by the way Perth won over Adelaide by 5 runs, it was nail biting exciting stuff! Yet I don’t bite my nails. Hahaha

As for our weather here? It’s been hot hot hotter and then warm warm warm. Lol We have had some terrible fires that have left many homeless here in Perth but like all good cities the people have come out in their droves to support the needy in anyway they can. Losing your home would be horrific yet I still can’t help but feel for all the wildlife and domestic animals that don’t make it through these horrific fires. Just thinking about it makes you sad. Melbourne has also experienced some terrible fires lately. You know the bit that really grates on me? It’s when you find out that the fires have been lit deliberately. I know a lot of  these people are pyromaniacs and are very ill and are in need of help, but they truly have NO idea of the damage to so many lives they have ruined. They should be made to go and apologise to every single person they have affected and listen to their story and see the damage for themselves. Look in to the eyes  and see the pain and suffering they have inflicted to someone who more than likely never hurt another soul before and is now being punished for someone else’s stupidity! Then go into therapy and get help!!

And then the polar opposite to the other side of the world has been flooding storms and extremely cold temperatures. I suppose the whole world climates are changing and I don’t know if it’s to do with global warming or not, anyone have an opinion as to what’s going on in our beautiful world? 🙂 Would being kinder to our planet make a difference or is mother nature always going to have her way with Planet Earth, regardless? Hmmm the mind ponders so let’s see what you have to say?

I shall be off now so have a great week and many hugs to you all. Paula xxxxx

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What a Year!

Hey, how’s life treating you all??

Wow, I’ve kind of neglected my blog lately and have been feeling really bad about that, SORRY!!! 🙂

I’ve had good days and bad days, rainbow days and every other kind of day you can think of. Some days I felt that if I wrote I would pull the world down with me, and other days I would have lifted you as high as the sky. I guess the benefits and downfalls of being Bipolar, right??    Lol

Can you believe another year has almost past us by again. Sometimes life just flows and you float along with it; other days, they pass so quickly you nearly miss them. This year has been an enormous rollercoaster ride of emotions for me. Depression – eat your heart out!! Lol You thought you could beat me but I beat you this time. If I was going to fall apart like I did a few years ago? Then this was the year it should have happened.

I separated from my husband, which was one of the hardest decisions I’ve had to make. I left my home and farm and my beloved llamas (Teco and Margie). My son and his wife separated. I went to Melbourne for a funeral. My step dad is fighting cancer and someone dear to me wanted to commit suicide and it all tore me apart. I’ve been on the Queen Mary around New Zealand, and spent 5 weeks in the U.K. I’ve been to Victoria and Tasmania and seen nature at it’s best in Oz. I’ve cried and sat down on my kitchen floor and wondered how I would make it to the next day. I’ve asked the universe to give me strength and to help me get to the next day, without wanting to give in.  And I’ve pleaded with myself to have courage to fight the darkness that at times overwhelms me. So, this is the year I should have fallen apart… But I didn’t!

How did I make it? Well, I met someone that gave me the strength to believe in me and loved me for me, all of me the good and the bad. Who knows what will become of it but I believe everything happens for a reason and I needed this person to get me where I am right now and for that I am truly grateful. People come and go from our lives and touch us in many ways.  Sometimes they are hurtful ways, and sometimes they are so beautiful and you wonder how you lived without them. But I think the most important thing is to learn something from all of them. Life is full of experiences, good and bad. We have to breath in the good and exhale the bad until it controls us no more. I feel optimistic about the future and am looking forward to 2014.

I went to the beach recently and looked at the ocean and thought how calm and peaceful it looked. Yet I know there are days that nature thrashes against the shore and you get blown away. But the next day it’s all peaceful and beautiful again. I think this is what life is like. There will always be good and bad days and people who want to drag you down with them. But we need to stay grounded amidst the storms and not let other people’s disharmony pull us down. Those that don’t support you don’t deserve you in their lives.

Stand tall and proud and embrace your joy with those whom love and support you! Release the others with love and let them be on there way as they serve you no good.

So, as I sit here at my desk and write this, I thank the universe for giving me two sons that I adore. They are one of the main reasons I have for waking every single day. They have grown in to such beautiful young men and I feel that they make my world worthwhile. I see how they love their girlfriends and how happy they make them. As a mother, this makes my heart sing! To see your children in pain is crushing, but when they are smiling laughing and telling jokes? Ahhh it’s so precious and you can’t help but smile and be in awe of them.

I saw a man recently begging for money. He said he had no power, food etc. I stopped and talked to him and gave him some money. I don’t care if he was not telling the truth. Why? because no one does that if they are happy and living an okay life. Only people that feel as if it’s there only option turn to begging. If that’s their only source of income then I believe I should help in any way I can. I’m not saying everyone else should, I’m just saying that’s how I feel about it.

So to me this is a good year – yes things have been hard, but I’m not on the streets having to beg and wonder where my next meal is coming from.  At this time of year, people in less fortunate positions deserve so much compassion.  Those alone that have nothing, No family friends or anyone to turn to for comfort.

So Paula hugs you all, and I hope that you too have found a peace in yourself and can let the past be the past, and start to look forward to a much brighter and happier 2014!

You, the blogging family/community, have helped me get through this year in more ways than one. You have allowed me to express my feelings and throw them into cyberspace where I have had nothing but full support throughout the year. You are all truly amazingly beautiful people and I adore each one of you. After blogging for sometime now you start to get little images of what you think your regular followers look like etc. So Yes, i’m talking to you and you and you and you! Yes You!! Lol  I can’t help but laugh as Sakura just looked at me as if I’m crazy! 🙂

I have images of all of you and they are all good images of great people I admire and respect, and I enjoy getting to know you all through your blogs and mine. You truly are like a little extended family to me. From all races and walks of life we all come together as one, and this is the magic of our WordPress family! I am more open here with you than I am to those around me in the real world. I say thank goodness for WordPress and it’s co- founders. 🙂

What have I learnt this year? Well, we can’t ever change the past but we can seek out the future happiness we all so desire and deserve.

I thank every single one of you that have come to my site and touched my heart with your kindness. You have picked me up, when even I didn’t know how I would get there. You are all incredibly beautiful people who have been generous with your love and support and I hug all of you for it! 🙂

Next year I plan to share a lot more of my life through photos, video posts and basically let you into all the mundane things life has to offer along with all the great things. Hell, I’ll even tell you what coffee I drink, as long as you tell me what your is?? Lol

Love to you all, Paula xxxxx

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Hello My Blog Family!

Hello family of bloggers,

Well, I said I would be back blogging – but unfortunately life hasn’t allowed it just yet.

My stepfather has been ill and it’s taken 7 weeks to finally be diagnosed with cancer. I have spent quite a bit of time going backwards and forwards to the hospital with my mother.

He finally starts radiation treatment in a couple of weeks.  We never know what’s around the corner waiting for us, do we? I suppose we just have to be thankful for every day we have, and show those around us how much we love them. Don’t sweat the small things, and be grateful for all we have. If we have our health?? We have all we truly need.

My stepfather has fought cancer of the prostate before, and now he has it in his leg muscle. He can and will fight it – he’s a fighter. I lost my previous stepfather, the man who brought me up, a few months ago and I’m not about to lose another. To anyone out there that’s dealing with cancer (or any other serious illness) I hug you and wish well in your fight.

This man has been my light in many dark days and I love him dearly. He’s cried and I’ve cried but now he knows what he’s dealing with? He won’t let it get the better of him. He said that no matter what he’s going to be fine. He told me I need him and he needs me… Yep, I cried! But again, he’s determined to not let it beat him.

So,  life will soon get back to some sort of normality as life has to go on. He went home yesterday and being in his own environment will be way better than sitting in a hospital bed. He can look outside at his little garden and the pretty flowers. I know he’s going to be fine as he has a great positive attitude.

Just letting you know what’s happening in my world and why blogging has taken a back seat yet again.

Miss all your blogs and will soon be back commenting.

Love and many hugs to you all, Paula xxxx

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Eating Alone…

Okay, this whole single life thing isn’t that bad…  But there are a number of things to get used to. One of the big adjustments? The whole eating alone ordeal! Lol

Shopping for one person is a whole new experience for me. Yikes! I go to the supermarket and want to throw all this cool stuff in my trolley and then realise… Who’s going to eat it? Lol

I eat a high protein low carb diet. But days like today, my body craved the carbs and so I made a bowl of penne and just threw olive oil and salt on it. I know that sounds terribly bland but I kind of listen to what my body wants, and that’s what it asked for!

So, to avoid the whole over-spending on items I’m not going to eat, I have decided to do the majority of my shopping at the food markets. This way I’m only buying healthy food and not tempted by all the rubbish foods in the big supermarkets.

BTW: I love rubbish food but my hips don’t seem to agree! 🙂

Being 45 it’s not like when I was younger and can just throw whatever junk food down my mouth and still be thin. I actually have to work at staying slim. So not fair, this aging thing! 🙂

I still believe we can eat everything, as long as it’s in moderation.

Problem is, if you open up a bag of chips? Who’s going to stop at just a few?  Not I said the lady in the back row! Lol Or was it me who is typing this? Okay, it’s me! 🙂

The other bonus about not doing all the shopping in the big supermarkets is I will save a heap of money. You see I’m the person they pay millions of dollars to get into the psyches of our brains and make us think we need that sticky tape at the end of the checkout… Ohhhh and lets not forget the blu tack, egg rings, tongs, and any other junk thing they cleverly place within my line of vision!

I’m onto you Marketing companies. You’re attacking this Bipolar woman who  thinks she needs to buy everything! Or  just maybe it’s my weakened mind. Lol

One last thing. I’ve always like eating at the dining room table. Well, my table seats 8 people and when just 1 person sits there? You feel like a loner! Lol

Sakura sits in the chair opposite me and just waits till I’m finished and then she hops down. Actually the music keeps me company! Lol  So, I thought I might start eating in front of the T.V. It feels better, yet wrong at the same time!

The table can be just be used when I have guests for dinner. 🙂

So, any shopping tips or quick healthy recipes anyone wants to share? Remember cooking for 1. And in no shape or form am I a gourmet cook!
I’m an apprentice! LMAO 

Love and hugs to you all. Paula xxx

My Own Bed

My Sleepover Bed

 

I’ve always had this thing where I’ve had to go back home to my own bed. I could be an hour away from home, but still I insist on returning to my own bed.

My husband didn’t really drink, so he was always the nominated driver. For me, being the drinker, this worked out well! 🙂

Now I’m single I’m really noticing how obsessed I am about having to sleep in my own bed. No no not already off in some stranger’s bed doing strange things with him. Or am I? LMAO

Meaning I go out to dinner, or out with friends. Everyone asks me to stay so I can have a few drinks and not lose my licence. Australia is huge on catching drunk drivers – and so they should be! But here the limit is 0.5 which can be 1, 2 or 3 drinks depending on what you’ve eaten, whether you normally drink alcohol etc. I’m small framed and a drinker, so I would say I’m the 2 drinks girl.

Recently, my mum suggested I sleep over. My brain went into panic mode – that “no no no… That’s not possible… retreat retreat!!!” Lol

But she convinced me to stay, so there I was. And it wasn’t that bad… Apart from the fact that I drafted this post at 4.30am!  Haha did I mention I’m a bad sleeper?!

Since then, I have been asked to sleep over at my brother’s place, and then a girlfriends… And of course said, no thank you!

But I am thinking about changing. Maybe I should have my going-away-from-home-stay-over-night-bag at the ready on occasion.  🙂 This way, I can relax and have a few drinks and look forward to the adventures of sleeping in foreign beds… Ooor maybe not sleeping! Lol

Now am I the only one that feels like this… Or are there others like me? Do you have to sleep in your own bed… No matter what??

Hugs to you all and Happy Sleeping!! 🙂

Paula xxxx

3 years ago on this day.

It was 3 years ago today that I attempted suicide.

I didn’t write about it last year as it still felt very real to me. Now 3 years on, and a lot of heartache and therapy, I can now let it go. Peace and forgiveness are now in my heart and I no longer need to be scared of this day.

It’s my nephews birthday today and it was this day that I felt was the last day to say goodbye to my whole family. The day felt long as I didn’t want to leave any of them as I knew in my mind what I was about to do. Inside my heart was broken and the bleeding of tears on the inside where too much for me to bare. I smiled laughed and joked with all of them. When I left I hugged them all and didn’t want to let them go. Part of me wanted to cry out beg them, plead for them to help me as I could slowly feel myself dying on the inside. But, I couldn’t do it.

The family the universe gave me are the best anyone could ask for. But, I lacked the courage to tell them I needed help and I didn’t think I could be saved anyway. So, when I closed my eyes that night and felt the tears streaming down my face, I thought of how much I loved my family and the pain I was about to put  my 2 adult sons through. My beautiful boys. “What have I done?” is all I could think of before I closed my eyes and went to sleep.

I opened my eyes on the 24th August saw a drip in my arm and thought I saw an angel. It was, it was my sister and she was crying. I told her I saw an angel and someone died. She cried and said, “you nearly died, why didn’t you talk to me because I love you and would have been so lost without you. You are my best friend and I love you so much”. She held my hand and we just cried. I spent one month in a psychiatric hospital, had 15 ECT’s to the brain. Slowly, through therapy, I decided I wanted to live. I just had to learn how to live without pain. They taught me to love me and learn to forgive those that had hurt me. I can’t help but have tears as I write this, but I need to let it out and say goodbye to this day. I no longer want it to have power over me as I want to live and I want others that feel like I did, to know that tomorrow really is another day.

Close your eyes and try to find peace within yourself and try again tomorrow. Never give up on you. Ask for help, plead, cry out… Whatever you have to do! But DON’T suffer in silence, because no one can hear your pain. Open your heart and let them in. If you die? So does a part of everyone that ever loved you.

So, tomorrow when I wake I will be in my bed and feel happy about where I am in my life right now. Peace is something we all have to find within ourselves and I think I’m almost there. We all need to keep moving forward and try not to look back.

My family hasn’t celebrated my nephews birthday since. I want this to change and hopefully we all celebrate it next year and every year thereafter.

I’m sorry if this post is a little draining, but I’ve said it and now its done and over.

So I say goodbye to this day, and I look forward to this day next year. Tomorrow really is another day… an even more beautiful one than today.

I love this song and it’s so appropriate right now

Have a great weekend, everyone!!

Love and hugs to you all. Paula xxxx

* this post was intended to post last night but there was a technical glitch.