Monthly Archives: February 2013

Faith

dance

This is a really touchy one. I realise that many people have different beliefs.

Is it just faith in a God, whoever you perceive him/her/it to be…. Or is it more about faith in yourself?

Do you think not believing in something puts you behind the 8 ball, so to speak?

Can you not wonder, and think of the God, but not go to church and he/she/it still would love you? Gods are worshiped, right? But why so many Gods?? Who’s the right God and even then… How do we know?

By not really fully believing in a God, does that make us sinners or less worthy of a Gods love? Isn’t God supposed to be forgiving and love all people? If so, why isn’t there one single belief?

Why are there so many wars in the name of God? Do they not all claim to be peaceful gods?

They say in the spiritual world we are never sent any more than we can handle. Wow, boy are we able to handle a lot sometimes! So, is it God that gets us through this or is it ourselves and our own inner strength that prevails?

What if there’s nothing and we die and just go into a hole and rot? Does it matter what happens to us when we die at the point that we are dead? Ahhhh, you’re saying it’s your soul! That’s a deep one and one we all need to protect.

So, by believing in God do you give your heart and soul to him/her/it/them? Does it bring a peace in knowing that someone/some thing is always there guiding you?

Most people that follow my blog know I’m not really a full convert to religion. I only bring this up was because I have many followers that do believe in god; whoever they perceive him/her/it to be.

What you have done to me is made me think and question religion. You have given me peace and comfort when I needed it. Your love of him/her/it rubs off and resonates through your comments. I don’t know this particular kind of love. I need to see something in order to believe! Now I know there are things in life that we have to believe in based on faith alone.

But a God you can not see, I struggle with. Especially with so muchsuffering in the world.

What I do love  and believe in is all of you that have found that peace. I’m glad you follow me and shine your light on me as well.

Thank you all for the love you show me and all the food for thought!

I appreciate every single one of you and find it interesting hearing about all the different religions! I’m glad you are all in my life. Even if it’s a cyber one! I’m so addicted to it that I can’t even go out without checking blogs on my phone! So I would say you are all in my real life in a  way too! Lol

People that don’t blog…just don’t get it!

Love peace and hugs to you all…….Paula xxxxx

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Where’s your Ancestry?

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This is always interesting to me:

Who are you and were do you come from?

For me on my dads side, my dad was 1st generation Kiwi  (New Zealand).

My Grandad, his father was born in Bangalore, India.

My Great Grandad, was born Madras, India.

Great Great Grandad, born also Madras, India.

Great Great Great Grandad was born in Mauritius.

Then back to where it all began was with my Great Great Great Great Grandad who was born in Limmerick Eire (Ireland).

He bought his commission and was promoted to Brevet Major in 1819. He spent 35 years in service in the East Indies.

This is how we ended up with the Anglo Indian bloodline for many years.

I don’t know much about my mum’s heritage, other than her great grandmother was born in Sweden. My mum was also born in New Zealand.

My mum had 4 boys, all with brown eyes but 2 boys with blonde hair and 2 with dark hair. One of my brothers is so dark you would think he’s Middle Eastern or from somewhere like that.

Both of us girls are blonde with blue eyes.

My sister is the oldest and I’m the 5th.

We migrated to Australia when I was 4, as I had severe asthma and they thought the warmer climate would help me. It did to a certain degree, but  I had asthma until I was 29 or maybe 30 and then low and behold, it went away like magic! *Poof*

My dad has fairly dark skin and in the summer we all go incredibly brown.

So, where do you come from?

hugs Paula xxxx

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Depression Exists

cupcakes

Depression Exists:

As you all know lately I’ve been all over the place. However, Depression hasn’t won this time and I intend for it to never win again!  It’s just me I personally have been all over the place. But now I’m  starting to focus and get my act together once more.

Once you realise that you can’t control everything, life seems to get easier. I thought I had to control everything, but then life did a turn and I no longer had to. Meaning I got married and was in a position that I no longer had to work! My youngest was 5 then and my oldest was 14. The 14 year old had been used to me working all his life, but they both loved me being a stay at home mum.

At first this was a huge novelty to me and I had no idea how to occupy myself. I learnt piano when I was young and so thought what the hell, I’ll learn again. I had a spiritual piano teacher and she taught me how to relax and ground myself. I learnt classical and felt really confident with her by my side. I loved the music but really struggled to read it. So, I played a lot by ear.

Then one day, I hurt my hand learning to  play  Moonlight Sonate. It should have taken a break but I insisted on getting it right using the wrong fingering over and over  and ended up with tendinitis. I took a break but in the process lost my confidence. I had been with her for 3 years but all of a sudden I couldn’t hear the music. No one understood; I had played it and loved it. There I was, confidence shattered. I told myself I could no longer play. Just like that, I closed the lid and have barely opened it since.

My son talked me into it a couple of times and recently I mucked around with my 11 month old niece on it. She couldn’t judge me. Actually I’m my worst critic and, at times, my worst enemy. I thought of going back to it. My husband suggested I learn the guitar. He has more faith in me than I do and misses hearing me play. Confidence can be a real prick. Sorry! But it’s true. You lose it and tell yourself you can no longer do something and suddenly… Guess what? You can’t! So, the piano just looks at me and I feel like a failure.

When I knew my confidence had taken a dive, I needed something to make me feel worthy. Yes, we all need to feel this. and being home is great, but we need to keep ourselves active members of society. I ended up throwing huge Christmas parties at a function centre.  It was the party of the year to come to. It was so much fun and every year I had a different theme with all props matching. I bought gifts for Santa to give all the children. There was Fat Cat, Fairies, D.J.’s, and a number of other entertainers. Boy was it fun. The food was the biggest thing to organise, and of course the alcohol. My brother-in-law is a lawyer so he took responsibility for the bar!! Lol I told myself I would stop when my son graduated year 12 (he was 17 years old). I did stop then; it had become quite expensive.

During this period there was no time for depression – I was too busy! Lol

I renovated a number of homes. Not pulling walls down and doing brick work, but being the project manager. All renovations need one as everything needs to flow, just like music! Lol  I was great at keeping tradies happy… No, not in an ilicit sort of way… But that would have probably made for a better story!
Tradies hate it when other tradesman are in their working space, and rightfully so. I became a great cleaner and negotiator.  I did 7 homes in 14 years and whilst it was fun, it’s also very tiring and stressful! Yet you look at the end result and go, I want to do it again! lol

To do nothing only brings about depression as you have too much time to analyse – and over analyse – everything and anything. You make mountains out of molehills and everything becomes bigger than Ben-Hur!!

Keeping yourself occupied is one f the best things you can do for your mind.

Then last year I decided I wanted to volunteer for an organisation. I responded to an advertisement looking for someone to help at an old peoples home. Right, I can do that…. Well so I thought!  When I started I thought “how on earth am I going to remember all these peoples names and areas they belong in!”. But like everything, in time you learn and it becomes second nature. I stayed for 8 months and in that time I met some beautiful people and heard some really great old stories. But it’s not really the place for anyone with any sort of Depression. Why? On one hand it’s incredibly rewarding… and then the other it’s the most depressing place ever!!

The families that love and respect their elderly are easy to see, their loved one has photos, pretty blankets, ornaments, t.v’s, some even have their own laptops. They are happy cheery people and can’t wait for their families to turn up. The ones abandoned there have nothing but their beds and worn out old clothes. It’s heartbreaking to see and these people are generally quite sad and lost. I spent time in the dementia ward and this was not for the fainthearted. I loved being there yet there were times it was a little scary and you had to take a break. It’s so hard watching the families losing all hope as their parents slowly forget who they are. Dementia is a cruel disease and robs everyone of all dignity in the end.

At the same time I was volunteering I was in the midst of renovating my last home. We had 2 really big storms come through. It caused major flooding to the house and I needed to spend more time getting things sorted out there. Plus I had tradies crossing each other and they weren’t happy. So, I made the decision to leave the old peoples home. They asked if I would come back when the house sold, but I didn’t. I really thought about it and didn’t think it’s the place to be for me personally. I loved these people and unfortunately I’m the type of personality that if you have a problem, then it’s mine too! Crazy I know but I’ve always been like that. I always feel like I can fix the world. When they were sad I was sad… And when they were singing and clapping their hands? So was I.

The house finally got finished and I had free time, which I loved actually. Then we had things we wanted to do at our rural property and so I spent time meeting the council and organising paperwork. We had some great wins and were given approval to install some additional forms of housing. My nephew turned a complete heap of rubbish donga/transportable into a beautifully equipped little home. We still have 2 more to do, but at least all major plumbing and electrical work is nearly completed.

So now it’s time to go and play… Jobs are all done and I’m off on a holiday. Well, two holidays actually! I shall write about them before I leave!

So for me, reading, exercising and eating, keeping myself healthy is a part of the bigger picture we call life… They are what are keeping me sane. People think it’s great to not have to work and to some degree, I agree. But overall for our own self esteem we need to stay connected to the world and not lose our own self worth. Because this is what nearly happened to me. I frustrate myself because I can do more than I realise or give myself credit for. Being negative is easy… It’s staying positive that’s the challenge!

What do you do to stay sane?

Hugs to you all….Paula xxx

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Okay Valentines is over, but love never is! This is beautiful!
Have great weekend…..Hugs Paula xxx

GYA today

Today, February 14, is Valentine’s Day in many parts of the world. It was, and in some places still is, a day that honored St. Valentine. Valentine’s day is also known as a day for love and lovers. The day was first associated with love in Europe during the Middle Ages. For the record, I’m definitely on-board with a day for love. Love, after-all, is the embodiment of GYA.  Maybe we should have a few more of them!

I had the idea for this post back in September shortly after I posted 50 Shades of Gratitude. That was a post which presented 50 (49 actually) wonderful quotes on gratitude. There are many more than that on love, so I decided to do something similar.

Many languages have a number of different words to express ‘love,’ and its various types as well as nuances. In English however, we have…

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Nia loves cats as much as I do. This is very short but I adore their friendship and thought it appropriate for Valentines Day! So to all of you… I wish you a Happy Valentines Day! Hugs Paula xxxxx

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My Sister

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This photo was taken the other day when I was out with my sister.

When I first started blogging I kind of felt a bit strange about talking to the world I didn’t know. So, I thought if my sister allowed me to use the photo of us both at the top of my blog she would make me always feel at ease. It worked and still does. I see that photo and remember the day it was taken and it makes me smile.

When I had the breakdown and attempted suicide my sister sat by my side waiting for me to open my eyes. When I did I honestly thought she was an angel. Then she explained where I was and that I had survived and how glad she was. We both cried.  She couldn’t believe I would leave her and not tell her how I was really feeling.

Whilst in hospital a nurse came and saw me as I couldn’t stop crying. I explained to her that my whole life I had relied on my sister to always be there with me. When I was younger she looked out for me and as adults we had lived together numerous times and shared everything, even the same boyfirend at one stage! Lol NO! Not at the same time. When she broke up with him I ended up dating him for a while. He was a cop, and a gorgeous looking one at that… So who could blame me!! Lol

She wasn’t a drinker. I was. We would go out and no matter what she would wait until I was ready to go as she knew I was one of those people happy to stay in a crowd of strangers and just sit around laughing drinking.  At times  I begged her to leave me and would reassure her I would be fine. But, no matter what, she would wait up for me and want to know all about my night.  I suppose in the back of my mind I always knew she was just a phone call away.  If I was scared of driving in the city, she would take me. Don’t laugh – I so hate driving in the city!! Lol   She would tell me off when she thought I was being irresponsible or careless. Yet we always hugged, and that was that. She loved me and looked after me unconditionally and felt that it was her responsibility to do so.

After telling the nurse my life story and about my sister, she recommended I read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie

When I finished it I cried and rang my sister to apologies for making her feel that she had to feel responsible for me. I never really had thought about it as she was just there for me, like a mother. Even though we have a mother! She was totally my security blanket and even today I find I have to let go at times. She told me it was her job and she didn’t care what some book said and she will always be there for me no matter what!

That love is so hard to describe and to find, that I’m just so happy that god/universe or whoever sent me to be her sister.  She said she asked god to give her a baby sister and he did and she will love me and protect me forever. (She’s 7 years older than me).

Not everyone has this kind of relationship with a sibling but if you are lucky to (like me) then you know exactly what I’m talking about! I have 4 brothers that I adore, but I only have 1 sister and she is priceless.

So to my sister – I love you and thank you for always loving me. For never judging me and just being there for me to hug and love. You are me as I am you!!

Do you feel this love from a family member?

Hugs to you all……Paula xxxx

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I love the little sayings that Nhan puts up. So had to re-blog this one.
Hope everyone had a great weekend! Love Paula xxxx

Nhan Fiction

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