Depression Exists Ann as a reflection of me
It was early in the morning and I had just turned off the shower when I heard my mum call me into her room. I put a towel around me and went in to see her. I couldn’t believe it! The last person I wanted to see dressed like that, was the man that had abused me.
He started saying “tell your mum I only did this to you, and that to you; I didn’t do this”.
God, here’s the man that told me at 10 years old that no one would believe me if I said what he did to me. That I would get into trouble for lying, and it was our secret. WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING HERE!
Mum and him were yelling at each other – and me! Mum was yelling for me to say exactly what he had done to me. Are they kidding me! I’m this 13 yr old, who’s had a nervous breakdown as a result of my abuse, and is in therapy trying to get my head together. Now? she wants me to say what he did to me? NO WAY, NOT NOW – NOT EVER, IT’S TOO LATE, THE DAMAGE IS DONE!
I’M BROKEN AND NOTHING WILL EVER BE THE SAME.
I froze, and yelled to them that he had done nothing and to leave me alone. I was so scared that I started to shake, and went to my room crying. Hearing them talk about what he did and didn’t do to me made me feel sick inside. I just wanted to crawl into a hole and die.
Mum called me back and said I had to tell exactly what went on. Feeling like I was going insane in my head! I just told her to leave it, and I wasn’t going to say anything if they went to court.
SO… I GO BACK INTO MY ROOM CRYING, AND HATING THE WORLD!
He insisted that my mum come to lunch with the rest of the family as his wife was suspicious as to why he took off from their house after my aunty had rung him so early in the morning.
What I didn’t know was that his sister had rung early in the morning to tell him that my mum was going to press charges against him. So he got in his car and drove to our house, to plead with my mum.
Why now? Why not years ago? Who will benefit from this? Not me! I’m still terrified and seeing a psychiatrist. I can barely get through one day without wanting to commit suicide.
How can I go to court? I’m a kid, where were you all when it mattered the most?
So for whatever reason that day, my mum made me go to their house for lunch. I don’t know a more sadder day, than that day.
Everyone was talking and laughing and I was in their lounge room rocking and crying. My aunty said to someone in the other room, that it must be hard for my mum to have a daughter like me crying all the time, and that I was after attention.
OMG! My abuser’s wife is saying that I’m an attention seeker. I thought, what the hell’s wrong with this world! She has no idea that all this crying is over her husband. I wondered if anyone cared how I felt, and then I realised no-one did. I was alone, confused, and dying inside.
THAT WAS IT. THE DAY I INVENTED ANN!
The tv was off, but I was crying and rocking while looking into it, when I saw this girl playing and laughing, so I started to pretend that I too was in there with her. Something happened that day that made me feel really comfortable pretending that this friend really existed. Any time from that day onwards, whenever I felt scared or alone, She would always be there.
The psychiatrist I was seeing told me that I invented her under stress and that she would go away.
Well I’m 44 and she never really has gone away. Everything bad I ever did, I blamed on ANN.
I’ve never been diagnosed with schizophrenia. Now I’m sure you’re thinking that maybe I should have! There’s this song that Evanescence sings called MY IMMORTAL, every time I hear it I think of me and ANN.
At some stage I will write more about ANN…