Depression Exists


Depression Exists:

Depression exists as a result of all sorts of things. One of them being, so to speak, “unfinished business”.

When we hold on to things and find it hard to really explain how were feeling, it’s easy to get lost in that dark world. Sometimes you don’t have the words; or even know if there are any… But deep down you’re hurt and lost. You know you need to come up for air but then something pulls you back down again.

I think we have a treasure chest, only not filled with gold… It’s filled with all the things we hold in our minds and heart. Some good things and some unfinished/unresolved/hurtful things.

Sometimes I wonder if we really know what we want in life. Are our expectations too high? Unrealistic? I have found that by slowly emptying this chest my mind becomes more free, and with less  baggage to deal with  life starts getting better and better.

Depression plays with our minds and creeps up on us when we aren’t being true to ourselves. You can’t lie to your mind and say everything’s okay when it’s not. Your mind knows this is false and will continually keep questioning you until you deal with whatever you’ve tried to bury away. I used to be brilliant at burying things away, but now  my mind goes ahha Paula … NO WAY!!! You need to fix this!

My husband once told me that I never really let anyone in…  Like, really in. He says I hug with one arm whilst the other keeps everyone at a distance. Maybe he’s right? I suppose that we all have this barrier we put up when we don’t know – or can’t face – certain things in our life. Once you have been hurt a few thousand times (okay slight exaggeration!! lol) It’s our way of protecting ourselves from having to go through that again.

I think it’s just part of that whole fight or flight thing. We don’t want to be hurt or have our hearts broken. In the end we are forced to face whatever the issue/s are that are holding us back. Usually we want to run from it, make excuses for it.. Basically do whatever it takes to not have to deal with it!

In the end we only get hurt deeper and pull those we love into that place with us. We need to stop and recognise this. Why should they have to go where we don’t want to be ourselves? Depression is not just about a dark place. It’s cold and lonely and you’re left feeling numb.

But who want s to be alone?? I don’t! And nor should you!

I force myself to see good even when it may not really be there. Love is strong and can pull you out of anything. It can let people in and dispel loneliness. Don’t push them away! Maybe this way they can learn to understand you and comfort you in times of need.

I can tell the everyone in the world that I love them. But do I truly understand what it’s like to love deeply? I think I’m learning and that’s all we can do. Keep learning and growing as a person.

So, do I love you all???? Yes!! In my own non gay/freaky/stalker kind of way! 

Huge hugs and love to all of you.  Stay healthy and open to love!

Paula    xxxx

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Filed under Fight Depression, What irks me

43 responses to “Depression Exists

  1. aw my big sis, this time you wrote more awesomely. Yeah, let your hubby in your soul and heart to know what exactly you want. Open your chest treasure to your best, close and fast friends. Hubby should on top of them. I’m sure you’ll feel fantastic. Have a fabulous day. Hugs

    • Your are the sweetest blog brother any one could ever hope for! I have let you into my heart as I would a good friend, thank you for always supporting me! As for my husband…I’m sure he would appreciate what you wrote. Have a great day Little brother…hugs from your Big Sis! xxxxxxxx

  2. I agree with you! It’s risky and scary to let people in, but I think if one chooses wisely who they let in – then it is rewarding, just as you say! I know that I am blessed when a friend gives me that trust.

    Blessings Paula ~ Wendy

    • Thanks Wendy-Lee! *hugs* I do think we have to be careful, but I’m starting to think maybe I tread too carefully and punish those close to me, for what others have done. My husband deserves better. Love to you from me…remember in a non gay type of way!! Lol Do you feel me hugging you?? …..Paula x

  3. I love that last line…hysterical…love you too!!!!!



  4. I love that Post ,and hugs and love for you my dear friend

  5. This post was awesome. Spot on.

  6. Great post. You described it so well, I can relate to everything you said. Thanks!:)

    • Hi Lavinia! *waving* I think there’s a whole heap of us out there holding onto and punishing others for our past! Moving forward is the sensible thing to do…yet it’s scary all the same. Huge hugs Paula xxxxxx

  7. Awww my darling little cherub, I had my downer day yesterday – pensive today still, but I know that it will pass. I can’t begin to imagine what it must be like to be that way all the time. Its mantra time 🙂 or perhaps?

    I don’t need to close my self
    for fear of getting hurt
    I’ll open arms out wide
    embrace those that I love
    for it is only I, who will suffer
    when I close off into my own world
    I’ll push down all my barriers
    I’ll be reborn, let my feelings heart unfurl

    Love you too sweetheart – you are strong, you will continue to be that way.

    • Oh Mumsy! I nearly cried! Okay…I can’t lie, I did! But happy tears for your unconditional love you have always given me. Sometimes I just don’t know which way to turn. So, I’m heading towards being happy! Remember I love you in a non gay way!! Lol I hug you tight and hope the feeling leaves you soon. 🙂 Sakura’s on my lap and kissed me when she realized I was crying. Hugs to you from me, always!! Paula xxx

      • Don’t cry gorgeous girl – we like all of your friends are here for …always. TURN towards happiness, to openness and to sharing your feelings as you are doing. TURN to never having a black cloud in your day – we and others are your sunshine 🙂 xxxxx

  8. You are right, many of us don’t let people in just to avoid getting hurt. We built this wall around our heart and believe it will protect us from the horrors of the outside world. I am no different, I practically pushed away all those who tried to help me through hard times because of my insecurities.
    I’m trying to change too and I’m sure you’ll get by just fine. After all you have all of us here who love you and adore you both as a person and as a writer. Lots of love to you from my side as well. Stay blessed 🙂 ❤

    • Oh No! Another comment that makes me teary. I hug you back and thank you from the bottom of my heart! Which I do have!! Insecurities are so crippling all we can do is do our best to learn from our mistakes…or somebody else’s Your support means a lot! Hugs Paula xxxxx.

  9. proportionsinlife

    Staying open to love- that it one of my commitments to my *self* for this year. Thanks for a beautiful, heartfelt post.
    Life is good.

  10. pssstt… knock, knock…I hear this is a good place to be in, to be love and receive plenty of love. Hope you are feeling well rested. Wake up, Sunshine. /p

  11. My God will forgive you, but I don’t know about your god.

  12. are you there, big sis? I wanna ask something about domain registration on wordpress.

  13. Pingback: Awards! Versatile, R.E.A.L.I.T.Y & Beautiful Blogger Awards! | rohan7things

  14. I keep people at a distance. Not because I am afraid of getting hurt, but because I hate hurting them. When I get in a depressive state, I cannot stand being around anyone. Most people understand at first, but I also know it hurts them when I stop talking to them. I feel it is not fair to them to put them through it.

    • Hey that just shows you have a great deal of love for these people and you don’t want to take them down with you! I understand how you feel.
      Night from Oz……Hugs Paula xxxx

  15. Wow! Such a great and honest post! I am a very cautiously loving person. Most people don’t even know that they are being kept at a distance, I am so cautious. Being hurt a young age and not certain who I could trust, left me feeling as though I could depend on no-one but myself. My way of dealing with hurt has always been to busy myself, therefore, forgetting about my pain, but as we know, that is only temporary. I had to seek further help. I could not deal with all the pain on my own. I sought God, and only with His help & through His healing am I able to continue to face each day. Thank you so much for sharing. This was an amazing post. May you be extremely blessed, Sheri Haskins : )

    • Thanks for being so open and honest. getting help is a great thing and shows you being pro active in getting better! As you know I’m not religious but I will take as much love and blessings as your prepared to part with! Night from Oz……Hugs Paula xxxxx

  16. Ahhh Paula … tis a sad thing that so many of us know what your are talking about when you talk about keeping others at bay. But there is hope too … because many of us are finding our way back to a better place.

    I know we both understand darkness … and the feeling of … of something BETTER for the way we keep on working on being better.

    For too long I pushed everyone away. I used to love being around people and had lots of friends…until the illness of depression took a hold. I near went into hiding for two years. And even after I got better … without having truely faced some issues … it was bound to rear its ugly head again.

    This time … I am trying things differently. And am doing a lot better. I can now talk of my sister without crying. How could it have been that she died so long ago and I could hardly think of her or utter her name without going to pieces. Twas the unfinished business as you say.

    So this time around … I was forced to deal with it of risk going back to that horrible place again.

    This was a good blog Paula. Very good.

    • First Katiekins, I’m hugging you and telling you how strong you really are. You have been to hell and back! And survived. Your a wonderful person and a great mum AND a great friend. You and Mumsy kept me smiling even when I wanted to cry! Money didn’t do that…2 beautiful human souls did that! So, I’m glad we all dropped our guard and let each other in. About to go see Teco and M. Haha…see I’m using your nickname for her! Have a great weekend Katie! Love to you…….Paula xxxxxxoooo

  17. rohan7things

    I love what you said about emptying the treasure chest! It’s amazing all the musts, shoulds and other responsibilities and pressures that we place on ourselves without really questioning whether we really need them!

    Once we start emptying our chest everything becomes lighter, and there is room for new and positive people and experiences 🙂

    Thanks for sharing!


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