Fear and Ann


They say FEAR stands for False Evidence Appearing Real.

So how does it feel so real at the time?

You can fear things like snakes, spiders, flying, clowns, driving, drowning, heights, etc etc…

To me, they kind of seem justified. But why do we fear the unknown???? Why can’t we look at something and go “Hey! That looks really different and exciting- I think I’ll go check it out!  Who cares if I fail – at least I gave it my best shot!”.

Ohhhh to be like that I would give my right arm. OR MAYBE NOT!!!  Lol  This is especially prevalent when I’m on a high. No, not drugs, but hypomania, which comes with being Bipolar. Hypomania can get you into trouble. But, at the same time, it doesn’t limit your thinking! You want to try and do everything even if you fail! You have a million ideas running through your mind.

Now, I don’t often talk about it, but I have another personality…. Who I call Ann! (don’t be scared now!) Lol

No, I don’t have schizophrenia.  But if you want to know where it all started you can go back in time to my discussion about Ann. It’s not a nice post, but it explains how Ann emerged.

I kind of look at her as an ultra ego type of personality that I created in order to get through my life at the time. But she never left me.

Now when we talk about fear, Paula has all the “What If’s” and “Hang on lets think about this?”. Basically, she’s cautious and very responsible.

When you talk about fear to Ann, she feels strong and will do anything to break through the restraints. She could move mountains if it were possible and won’t let fear intimidate her. I think it all comes back to that Fight Flight Thing I just talked about in the last post.  It’s really hard to explain, but I believe the two personalities compliment each other. During the day, I would not wear any make-up. The moment night came and I was going out, Ann emerged. The change was incredible. I knew it was always me; just a much wilder, harder to control me!  I haven’t meet a person that hasn’t liked Ann. She will draw you into her world and hold you there. Ann became my protector when I felt I had been abandoned by those I trusted.

No matter what, the moment I have one drink… I’m Ann. Paula can go out saying she’ll only stay a while, then Ann takes over and she’s the last to leave. My doctor agrees that the two personalities work. In a way that is totally dissimilar to Jekyll and Hyde!! Lol

Luckily the two are friendly only one is a great deal more open to anything and everything and Ann is very assertive.  Ann got me into heaps of trouble and took me down paths I should never have gone. My husband loves Ann – Paula pales in comparison! Sometimes now it’s hard for me to say which one I prefer.Why? because I’m both and one without the other wouldn’t be me!

When my mum was pregnant with me they told her at about 3 months that she had lost her baby. I will spare you the details. So she went back to life as usual. 8 or so weeks later she went back to the doctor as she felt something moving inside. Yip, that was me!! The only way they could explain it was she was more than likely carrying twins and lost one. I was only 5 pounds as I was born 6 weeks premature. Hence the name Paula …. Meaning small!

God forbid… Imagine if there was another me!

Where am I going with this?

Internally I’ve always felt alone yet I’ve never been alone. It’s the strangest feeling in the world. My whole family know that I blame Ann for everything. When I was late, drinking too much, doing whatever I felt like…I Blamed her.

It’s strange to have a second personality that your family like and accept. If I cry and feel lost about my life, Ann comes and finds things to make me laugh. It’s very childish I know, but it’s always worked.When the chips are down she’s the one that pulls me up and makes me start again. Ann walks into a room and demands the attention. She can work the room with great gusto. She loves to meet new people and can mix with anyone.  Paula isn’t as confident, and will survey a room looking for the exit!

If you were to spend time with me you may or may not pick up on the two personalities, but for sure you will wonder where all my enthusiasm comes from. If I see someone down, Paula will want to embrace you and know your life story. Ann doesn’t want to know anything, she will just make you laugh and encourage you to push through! I suppose people that know me on wordpress see this side a lot! I will always encourage people, especially when you’re down. I can’t help it. It’s part of who I am.

Being like this is why I think my husband says I’m embracing with one arm and holding people at bay with the other. Ann won’t let anyone hurt Paula!

What both personalities do have though is a huge amount of love to give everyone. My type of love may not be the falling-in-love romance type. But free, unconditional love, without prejudice.

Hopefully I haven’t scared or pushed any of you away. Again, it’s not schizophrenia. It’s someone my mind created to protect me when I was young. And decided to keep around.

So, am I alone out there or do you or anyone you know have another personality?

Hugs to you all

x Paula and Ann!!!

image source


Filed under My experiences, What makes me happy

29 responses to “Fear and Ann

  1. I loved this! I have my Bachelors in Psychology. I volunteered on a crisis hotline and listening to people talk about bipolar disorder has taught me so much more than a textbook ever did. Have you ever read Manic by Terri Cheney? I liked it enough that I bought it. It’s clear that Ann doesn’t interrupt or (as an adult) negatively impact it. It actually sounds quite the opposite — that you’ve learned how to use this other oart of you to enrich your life.

    • Hey Jackie! No, I haven’t! It sounds interesting so I shall hunt it down.
      Bipolar is definitely more than a text book. I think ALL mental illness is. And I appreciate you saying that, as would my readers that have a mental illness. Great comment and have a great day! hugs Paula xxx

  2. Impact you life, I meant, not “it” — I haven’t had my morning caffeine yet!

  3. Jim Kendall

    Perhaps neither Paula or Ann exists and the behaviors that are expressed by these personalities are characteristics of your own personality. They are extensions of you and perhaps personifying the characteristics makes them real; motivates you to display them as needed. It’s a way of saying, “This is who I am.” Ann is aggressive because you are, or can be aggressive when needed while Paula wants to be liked. Paula is people person interested in others because you are interested in others.

    It’s like customer service. Sometimes we put on a grand smile on our face while our hands curl into a fist when dealing with unreasonable people. Our heart wants to punch them, but our minds know better. Maybe, it’s more like acting rather than customer service.

    I don’t know one way or the other, however, your posts provoked such thoughts to share. I do know that I have no idea what your given name is and I know we are all multifaceted. Cheers.

  4. really strange but acceptable. Wish you an awesome life, big sis.

  5. Fabulous post! Have nice day..

  6. It makes perfect sense to me. Our minds creates self defense mechanisms we are not even aware of. I had a very unhappy childhood, growing up in a dysfunctional family. Ever since I learned how to write, I started writing stories about the life I would have liked to have. My parents would have a fight right before the Christmas dinner, I would go to my room and write a story about this beautiful family that spends Christmas together, eating and laughing. I would create the perfect home, the perfect parents, the perfect conversation. Later on, I kept doing it. I liked a boy and he didn’t like me back? No problem, I would write a story in which he is crazy for me and we live happy ever after. I never planned on this, my mind came up with it. I started it when I was 7 or so. I don’t do it like this anymore but still writing is my refuge.

    • Hi Lavinia! *waving* I so can relate to the whole family thing and pretending that things were all Cherie when they weren’t.( Mostly due to being sexually abused) As for the boy/man thing….they think we are complicated! Boy I’m still trying to work that one out!! Lol
      Have a good day. hugs Paula xxxxx

  7. Natalya

    Hi Paula & Ann, It sounds like DID (formerly MPD), not schizophrenia. If you are able to feel and remember everything though that Ann does maybe it’s simply an aspect of yourself you’ve chosen to name? I don’t know. But I would say people with schizophrenia are not usually scary from my experience with them. Bizarre perhaps but not generally scary. You could have a dissociative disorder-thus the alternate personality….Or am I taking all of this too seriously when you only meant your post to be in jest/fun?

    I was a twin as well and am the one who survived. Twin died some months after being born-4-6mths I think. It is a lonely feeling in my experience. Maybe Ann is your twin you never got to grow up with. I often think of mine.

  8. Hi Natalya, I’ve actually had that twin one thrown as a possibility as well.
    I personally think it’s an aspect of myself that I have chosen to name. To me you hit the nail on the head!! Maybe shrinks look too deeply. Thanks for the comment. Have a great day! Hugs Paula xxxx

  9. My dear dad had bi-polar illness and I could sure tell when he was hypo-manic. He was usually calm and quiet. When his illness kicked in he talked a lot and couldn’t sit still. If it was allowed to progress then he’d get himself into a full blown mania and was unstoppable. Through it all I never felt in any danger from him as he was still the sweet man he always was. Yes, he got kinda crazy – but even in this I could see some logic in his ideas if he had gone about them more carefully.

    Paula, it makes sense to me to have a name for your two sides. I think everyone has two sides to a degree. We need to give each side the compassion and respect that they need.

    Blessings to both sides of you ~ Wendy xo

    • Morning Wendy-Lee! I agree that we all have 2 sides. Thankfully I’ve never been an aggressive person. Even drinking I’m a happy drunk. My aunt gets the mania as she’s Bipolar 1. Boy can that be interesting at times. I think you know what I mean as your dad had it. I love the free thinking and ideas I have when hypomania kicks in. You just have to ready for the down side.I keep myself really busy during these times.
      Have a great day/night! Lol Huge hug from me to you! Paula xxxxxx

      • You are very fortunate not to have bipolar 1 like my dad did. The higher you fly the farther you fall. His lows were heartbreaking… I think regular depression is hard enough! Hugs! xo

  10. I admit, I struggled to respond to this.

    First – the Ann blog post. I went to read it. It startled me that I had not read this post before because I had thought that I had been quite thorough in stalking you! However, when I got to the blog I realized that I HAD read it. It was one that I had found too hard to comment on. Painful things can be hard … for reasons you already know. But I should have mentioned something when I read it…as a way to show support.

    But…. reads this one now. And whilst I understand what you are saying about the dual personalities … the need for Ann to come out now … I want to hug you and make sure things are alright.

    You are a strong person Paula. People will say that not understanding what you have gone though…what you may be going through. And perhaps I toss that out too loosely myself. But I do not think so.

    Never give up ok. I am talking about not giving up on yourself. *HUUGGSS*

    • Hello dearest, Katiekins!

      Thanks for stalking me all good blogs need a stalker!! Lol 🙂 You know more than most about me and I want to assure you… I’m fine!! Ann is part of the reason I am strong and will survive. Again thank you for just being you! I love you and appreciate our friendship! Huge hug from me to you, Paula xxxx

  11. Keep Ann close sweetheart – you need strength right now. Love you and thinking of you. xxxxx

  12. Works for me. We all create ourselves, to some extent.

  13. Good evening to you both, Ann or Paula it does not matter. As long as you don’t have doppelganger, you are OK. I think it’s pretty normal to have different personalities. I wonder about me being diagnosed as “unipolar” and my brother is “bipolar”. Whatever, we just take our meds and we are happy as a clam. I go read “Ann” latter. Good night. xox Paula

  14. I loved this. False Evidence Appearing Real. FEAR paralizes. Learning to let go is so hard to do, but I’m so proud when it happens. Smiles up! Head Up! Faith Up!

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