This is a really delicate and extremely difficult subject to talk about, even after all these years. So I’ve decided to talk about it early in my blog so I don’t have to address it again.
It’s important for me to talk about this. It influences the way I am today and is what led me to who I am.
The things I had been through for someone 20 years old was enough for anyone that age to deal with, and now this was just the straw that broke the camels back.
The first thing I would like to say is that I never reported my rape to authorities. One of the reasons was that I was used to being treated as a sex object, and had lived with secrets for years. I was told from a very young age that if I told anyone what had been done to me, no one would believe me and I would get into trouble for lying.
The following is what happened the next few days after the rape.
I tried to pretend it never happened. But it did, and I couldn’t just get on with things, like I had in the past. I cried and cried each night till I fell asleep. No matter how many times I showered I still felt dirty.
My fiancé was away working at the time, as we had 6 weeks to go until our wedding day, and he was trying to get as much money together to pay for the wedding. Every day that went by got more and more difficult for me to handle. I wanted to tell my fiancé so badly, but I was terrified he would blame me or leave me.
One day I decided to tell one of my cousins, as I was staying the night at her house when it happened. She told me that this particular person had been known to like blonde, blue-eyed girls, and that I was not the first person she had heard of to apparently have this done to them. He would just boast about them all wanting and willing to have sex with him. So none of the girls did anything about it. Even though I said I was staying at my cousin’s house that night, it wasn’t where he raped me.
We had all been drinking at his hotel that night. When it closed we went back to my cousin’s and continued drinking with a group of people. Someone said we had run out of alcohol, so this person said he would go back to his hotel and get some more. Another cousin of mine said she would go and that’s when he kept on for me to go and that it wouldn’t take us very long. So not knowing what I was in for, or knowing him until that night, I left with them. I was with my cousin and had no reason to think anything about it other than going to get more alcohol. The amount I had drunk that night I shouldn’t have been going with anyone to get more alcohol. But unfortunately in those days I never knew when to stop. Alcohol became my friend, the more I drank the less pain I would feel.
For my own sanity I can’t really write down everything that happened in that next 2 hours. That’s right, we were gone that long that I didn’t even realise until we came back and everyone was in bed. To this day I believe wholeheartedly that the drink we had when we first arrived back at his hotel was spiked, but I will never know for sure. My head was spinning and everything was a bit of a blur, no idea how long after but before I could even react He was on top of me. The music was really loud as he had put it on when we first got to the hotel, so my cousin couldn’t hear me calling out. She was also quite heavily intoxicated and later I found out she was dancing on the dance floor to the music he had put on. He asked me if I was screaming because I liked it or was he too big for me.
That month I missed my period. I knew my fiancé was away so I couldn’t be pregnant to him. Oh god no please don’t let me pregnant to this man. But I was, I wanted to tear my stomach open and rip the baby out. I couldn’t get an abortion quick enough. That in itself was hard to deal with. The guilt I felt was horrific.
The trauma was too much to bear that in the end I told my fiancé. He lost it and wanted to go kill this person. I pleaded with him to let it go and that I wasn’t going to prosecute as I blamed myself for being so drunk and going back with him. (My marriage only lasted 1 year, not because of my husband but because I could never find peace within myself.)
Those words he said to me as he was raping me never left my head. I blamed myself for years, I know I should never have gone back with him. But you can’t take things back. I made a bad choice and one I have to live with.
But after many years, and some therapy, I am no longer prepared to be a victim. He wouldn’t even remember who I was or care what he did to me. He more than likely doesn’t have any sleepless nights and he has probably told himself that I, and all the girls my cousin mentioned, wanted him.
I have decided that he cannot be allowed to take my power away. I have forgiven myself and want anyone that has read this and has been through this themselves to know that I feel your pain, your sadness, your anger. But, no matter what the circumstances, rape is rape. You didn’t ask for it. Life will get better and you will find something that will make you happy again. It’s true the saying, you can forgive but never forget.
THE CRYING WILL STOP AND THE PAIN WILL LESSEN, BELIEVE IN YOURSELF FOR YOU ARE STRONG.