Tag Archives: Abused

Depression Exists

Hello Everyone,

Hope your all having a great week! 

I thought about whether or not to show you my tattoo, and then I remembered I promised to show all parts of my world this year.

So without further ado, welcome to my tattoo. A huge part of my world. 

tat

A lot of tattoos come with their fair share of stories and mine is no different as it holds great meaning to me. I didn’t just wake up and decide I wanted a tattoo at 43. It was after I had survived my attempted suicide nearly 4 years ago that my son mentioned the idea of me getting one. At first I laughed it off, but after loads of thought it started to make complete sense for me to go ahead with it.

You see that day I woke in hospital 4 years ago, I didn’t want to live, not even a tiny bit! I was incredibly unhappy. The lights were on but no one was home. It was like I had lost my soul and I didn’t know where to find it. Darkness surrounded me and all I felt was deep pain and sorrow.  In fact it took 1 month in hospital and 15 ECT’S ( Shock Treatment) to make me realise that I did want to live, I just needed to learn how!

After every tear a person could possibly shed I knew in my heart of hearts I could never let this happen to me again, or put those that love me through such pain and sadness ever again. Unfortunately being Bipolar only makes this even harder to do. Somehow I had to learn to love me and forgive everyone around me that had hurt me so badly when I was younger. The only way I could think of this,  was to tattoo myself to remind myself that that day in hospital when I said I wanted to live? I had to have something that would always remind me of this.

So the fairy reminds me that I made a wish that day to somehow find the will to live. When I’m low it’s a constant reminder to seek help when I’m sliding. I put my Sakura at the bottom as she’s my child and has pulled me through many many dark nights. I needed her close by me as she fills me with unconditional love and strength. She’s much more than a cat to me.

The fairy’s dress being pink was for my favourite colour.  I had them tattoo really bright colours so it was in my face… and boy is it bright, agree?? 🙂

Whenever I’m low?  this is a constant reminder to get help and to do it quickly.

The tattoo is very large and it’s on my right thigh.

Now I realise I was hospitalised in March last year for some of the same reasons, and you could argue the point that it hasn’t really helped me, right? Not true though. It got me through 3 years without being hospitalised. It was me and my psychiatrist that made the decision to hospitalise me last year.  I was extremely suicidal and very close to not being here. But it was the the tattoo that reminded me to seek help. You see I smile when I’m happy and have learnt to hide behind that smile when I’m sad. I learnt this as a child. So it can be really hard for those who love me, as they see me smiling and at times wonder if I’m really happy or not?

Have you or anyone you know, ever had a tattoo to remind you or them of anything? There are many stories behind tattoos and I would love to hear yours.

Hope I haven’t shocked any new readers seeing this huge tattoo on my thigh.

Many hugs to you all, Paula xxxx

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Warning!

Hello fellow bloggers,

I toiled whether or not to write this post and show this video clip that I recently saw on Facebook.

To show it seemed that I was agreeing and yet to not show it, seemed that I wasn’t condoning  it either! I literally sat at my computer and felt every emotion that I think a human can feel. It felt like someone had gone in and ripped my heart out for these 2 children. There’s so much sadness in this world that many children have to suffer and this I’m sure is just one of them many situations. How one human being can treat another this way is mind blowing and heartbreaking in every sense of the word. The fact that it’s targeting helpless children makes it even more devastating. I tried to ignore what I had seen and take it out of my mind, but there was no way I could or even can do this. My blog is what helps me deal with many of the sad things that have happened in life and also the many Happy things that have happened in my life. You could say I’m sharing this as a way of me getting it out of my head and writing something/anything to be honest. I just have to write something or the sadness that I’m feeling will become overwhelming. My only hope is that someone has stepped in and saved these children from the nightmare they must be living in. My heart wants to find them and save them from the cruelty they must be dealing with on a day to day basis. I want to tell them they are beautiful and worthy of so much more than they have been given in this world. I want to hug them protect them and smother them with the love and affection they deserve. Feeling powerless in this situation and many others similar that happen world wide like this,  is gut wrenching.   I’m not a religious person but if there is some kind of higher power I only hope and prey it comes to these 2 beautiful boys aid.

Warning! 

As my blog writes from time to time about Depression, it brings many people that are vulnerable and emotionally in a bad place to my site. They may have come for some sort of self-help or guidance or even some kind of understanding for how they are feeling. I urge you that if you are one of those people and are in a bad place right now? DO NOT watch this video! 

I hug all of you and my heart is hugging these 2 beautiful terrified boys. Paula xxx

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Depression Exists

sad angel 1

Depression Exists:

Tonight, I write this for others that are suffering with Depression right now.
Especially our teenagers!

Growing up as a “normal” child wasn’t easy for me. Those who have been sexually abused will understand exactly what I’m talking about. You lay in bed and cry and wonder if anyone cares or even sees you. You pray to God to help you die and take you away from the hell you’re living in.  But that doesn’t happen – you wake and the same thing happens again and again. You stop believing or caring about God. If he was really listening this would all go away, but it doesn’t! So you no longer believe in anything, or feel safe anywhere.

You can’t think or act normally (whatever that is, anyway). Nothing in your life is like the typical girl or boy next door just hanging out with your friends and family.

You’re broken and feel different, weird, lost, confused, sad, angry and every other negative emotion your body can think of. To those around, you you are annoying and difficult and cause problems to the rest of the family. Yet no one knows your pain or can hear you crying out loud in your mind, screaming for it all to stop.  Who will understand? Who will believe me? Who will care?
Well, plenty of people care. And that’s what I want to say to you.

Don’t lay there in silence crying inside, or walk around feeling like some kind of freak, or think  you’re different and no one gets you. Maybe they do think you’re different and a little odd, but they can’t hear you and know that you are in pain unless you reach out for help.

So many people care… More than we realise! Okay, trust.. Right?? I know this is the hard part. Those that you should have been safe with and trusted are the very people hurting you.

I thought asking for help was a weakness and therapy was never going to happen. How could I tell someone the horrors that live in my head, and about the pain I had endured in silence for years. Where would I even start. Would my family still love me?

They did, of course. They felt my sadness as if it was their own. They rallied behind me like knights in shining armour! We came away from the side of the family that hurt me and the healing began. Therapy does and will help, I promise you that!  But the first step is being able to ask for it. Life as a teenager can be tough enough without any form of abuse whether that be mental or physical abuse. They are as bad as each other, never think differently!!

You deserve to be loved and feel loved, never ever forget this. You are beautiful, strong and courageous and don’t let anyone make you feel less. Broken things can be fixed. And when they are fixed with professional care… They once again look beautiful and complete. Life is strange and sometimes hard to understand, but one day this will all be gone along with those that have hurt you!

YOU  WILL  FIND LOVE AND HAPPINESS AGAIN.

We forgive… But never forget. Why?? Because it’s our souls way of protecting us from never allowing this to happen to us again.

Go to a friend a teacher, anyone you feel you can trust. Don’t suffer in silence!! Someone in life is waiting for you to grow up and to love you unconditionally. Don’t let them down, they need you as much as you need them. I believe in soul mates. I think there is one out there for you.

Remember you are beautiful. Whatever you are suffering, let someone in and learn to dance and smile again!

I hug you and want you to know you are not alone!  Live for all the beauty that is waiting for you!

Learn to trust again!!!

Hugs to you all…Paula xxxx

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Fear and Ann

split_personality__by_ak3rs-d2zi9o1

They say FEAR stands for False Evidence Appearing Real.

So how does it feel so real at the time?

You can fear things like snakes, spiders, flying, clowns, driving, drowning, heights, etc etc…

To me, they kind of seem justified. But why do we fear the unknown???? Why can’t we look at something and go “Hey! That looks really different and exciting- I think I’ll go check it out!  Who cares if I fail – at least I gave it my best shot!”.

Ohhhh to be like that I would give my right arm. OR MAYBE NOT!!!  Lol  This is especially prevalent when I’m on a high. No, not drugs, but hypomania, which comes with being Bipolar. Hypomania can get you into trouble. But, at the same time, it doesn’t limit your thinking! You want to try and do everything even if you fail! You have a million ideas running through your mind.

Now, I don’t often talk about it, but I have another personality…. Who I call Ann! (don’t be scared now!) Lol

No, I don’t have schizophrenia.  But if you want to know where it all started you can go back in time to my discussion about Ann. It’s not a nice post, but it explains how Ann emerged.

I kind of look at her as an ultra ego type of personality that I created in order to get through my life at the time. But she never left me.

Now when we talk about fear, Paula has all the “What If’s” and “Hang on lets think about this?”. Basically, she’s cautious and very responsible.

When you talk about fear to Ann, she feels strong and will do anything to break through the restraints. She could move mountains if it were possible and won’t let fear intimidate her. I think it all comes back to that Fight Flight Thing I just talked about in the last post.  It’s really hard to explain, but I believe the two personalities compliment each other. During the day, I would not wear any make-up. The moment night came and I was going out, Ann emerged. The change was incredible. I knew it was always me; just a much wilder, harder to control me!  I haven’t meet a person that hasn’t liked Ann. She will draw you into her world and hold you there. Ann became my protector when I felt I had been abandoned by those I trusted.

No matter what, the moment I have one drink… I’m Ann. Paula can go out saying she’ll only stay a while, then Ann takes over and she’s the last to leave. My doctor agrees that the two personalities work. In a way that is totally dissimilar to Jekyll and Hyde!! Lol

Luckily the two are friendly only one is a great deal more open to anything and everything and Ann is very assertive.  Ann got me into heaps of trouble and took me down paths I should never have gone. My husband loves Ann – Paula pales in comparison! Sometimes now it’s hard for me to say which one I prefer.Why? because I’m both and one without the other wouldn’t be me!

When my mum was pregnant with me they told her at about 3 months that she had lost her baby. I will spare you the details. So she went back to life as usual. 8 or so weeks later she went back to the doctor as she felt something moving inside. Yip, that was me!! The only way they could explain it was she was more than likely carrying twins and lost one. I was only 5 pounds as I was born 6 weeks premature. Hence the name Paula …. Meaning small!

God forbid… Imagine if there was another me!

Where am I going with this?

Internally I’ve always felt alone yet I’ve never been alone. It’s the strangest feeling in the world. My whole family know that I blame Ann for everything. When I was late, drinking too much, doing whatever I felt like…I Blamed her.

It’s strange to have a second personality that your family like and accept. If I cry and feel lost about my life, Ann comes and finds things to make me laugh. It’s very childish I know, but it’s always worked.When the chips are down she’s the one that pulls me up and makes me start again. Ann walks into a room and demands the attention. She can work the room with great gusto. She loves to meet new people and can mix with anyone.  Paula isn’t as confident, and will survey a room looking for the exit!

If you were to spend time with me you may or may not pick up on the two personalities, but for sure you will wonder where all my enthusiasm comes from. If I see someone down, Paula will want to embrace you and know your life story. Ann doesn’t want to know anything, she will just make you laugh and encourage you to push through! I suppose people that know me on wordpress see this side a lot! I will always encourage people, especially when you’re down. I can’t help it. It’s part of who I am.

Being like this is why I think my husband says I’m embracing with one arm and holding people at bay with the other. Ann won’t let anyone hurt Paula!

What both personalities do have though is a huge amount of love to give everyone. My type of love may not be the falling-in-love romance type. But free, unconditional love, without prejudice.

Hopefully I haven’t scared or pushed any of you away. Again, it’s not schizophrenia. It’s someone my mind created to protect me when I was young. And decided to keep around.

So, am I alone out there or do you or anyone you know have another personality?

Hugs to you all

x Paula and Ann!!!

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MUM

If you read my recent post on ANN, you could have been left with the thought that my mum is, excuse the French, a bitch!

After everything that happened that day, my relationship with my mum went from bad to worse. I would scream hate at her, call her a bitch and basically cried most days.

However, years ago I forgave my mum and I now absolutely love and adore her. If anything happened to her  I would be devastated. As I got older I realised she only did what she thought was right.

You can’t change the past! But you can make sure none of these things ever happen to you again, and you learn by yours and their mistakes.

The following things are what happened next……..

Eventually my mum couldn’t take it and I went to live with my dad. Which was difficult as he had a girlfriend, and didn’t really want me to be there. In saying that, he still was incredibly supportive of me and managed to get me out of school. After my breakdown there just wasn’t the same girl left behind. Trying to concentrate on learning was impossible. All I would do is cry! My dad absolutely hated the man that abused me, and that’s why he wanted me away from my mum in those days.

Leaving school at 14 was my saving grace! Working at Woolworths didn’t involve using  my brain, so it was the perfect place to be. Slowly I became happier and happier. I absolutely loved working, it was better than being at school. Like all teenage girls, my money went on buying clothes:)

My clothes became a way to express myself. I would buy 2 pairs of white shoes, and paint 1 blue,1 pink,1 purple,1 yellow. Then I would wear 1 yellow feather earring and 1 blue bird earring etc etc etc. My clothes became more and more colorful. Cindy Lauper was my idol – remember, it was the 80’s:)

After a few months I was reinvented  to this happy-go-lucky girl. God I was happy! Then I went to live with an aunty of mine (not biological), as my dad went away to work. She was so kind to me and I loved her very much. (She died 2 years ago.) Then my mum came to see me at work and told me she was going to make me come home to live with her.

No way did I want to do that! so I left my job:( which upset me heaps at the time. The only way I could think to not be made to go back with mum was to go up North and live with her sister.

Which I did. But not knowing what my future was about to become, I thought again how lucky I was and how happy I was to be there.

Working in a chinese restaurant was great fun. The sun was shining everyday. It was like heaven! I had a boyfriend who I couldn’t wait to see everyday, and everyone treated me like an adult and I loved it.

But, the peace didn’t last. My boss pestered  me to  sleep with him or he would fire me. Being young and so happy I really didn’t want to lose my job, so foolishly I relented and slept with him. He said it would only be once, but of course that wasn’t true. I felt sick every time, but that’s how much of a screwed up kid I was. Like I said, I just wanted to keep my job. Now I would kick him in the balls and tell him to stick his job, and would tell his wife. That’s now. I was only 15 then.

So I had gone from incredibly happy, to someone who had to lie to cover myself all the time.

Then the worst abuse ever happened, and went on for 5 years. It’s one I can’t talk about, even after all these years.

That’s when I learned to hide my true feelings and smile all the time, no matter what life threw at me. If not, I would have died a long time ago!

Music is the key to my soul.

This song is in honour of my aunty.

ANGEL         By Sarah McLachlan

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ANN

Depression Exists Ann as a reflection of me

Depression Exists Ann as a reflection of me

It was early in the morning and I had just turned off the shower when I heard my mum call me into her room. I put a towel around me and went in to see her. I couldn’t believe it!  The last person I wanted to see dressed like that, was the man that had abused me.

He started  saying “tell your mum I only did this to you, and that to you; I didn’t do this”.

God, here’s the man that told me at 10 years old that no one would believe me if I said what he did to me. That I would get into trouble for lying, and it was our secret. WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING HERE!

Mum and him were yelling at each other – and me! Mum was yelling for me to say exactly what he had done to me. Are they kidding me! I’m this 13 yr old, who’s had a nervous breakdown as a result of my abuse, and is in therapy trying to get my head together. Now? she wants me to say what he did to me? NO WAY, NOT NOW – NOT EVER, IT’S TOO LATE, THE DAMAGE IS DONE!

I’M BROKEN AND NOTHING WILL EVER BE THE SAME.

I froze, and yelled to them that he had done nothing and to leave me alone. I was so scared that I started to shake, and went to my room crying. Hearing them talk about what he did and didn’t do to me made me feel sick inside. I just wanted to crawl into a hole and die.

Mum called me back and said I had to tell exactly what went on. Feeling like I was going insane in my head! I just told her to leave it, and  I wasn’t going to say anything if they went to court.

SO… I GO BACK INTO MY ROOM CRYING, AND HATING THE WORLD!

He insisted that my mum come to lunch with the rest of the family as his wife was suspicious as to why he took off from their house after my aunty had rung him so early in the morning.

What I didn’t know was that his sister had rung early in the morning to tell him that my mum was going to press charges against him. So he got in his car and drove to our house, to plead with my mum.

Why now? Why not years ago? Who will benefit from this? Not me! I’m still terrified and seeing a psychiatrist. I can barely get through one day without wanting to commit suicide.

How can I go to court? I’m a kid, where were you all when it mattered the most?

So for whatever reason that day, my mum made me go to their house for lunch. I don’t know a more sadder day, than that day.

Everyone was talking and laughing and I was in their lounge room rocking and crying. My aunty said to someone in the other room, that it must be hard for my mum to have a daughter like me crying all the time, and that I was after attention.

OMG! My abuser’s wife is saying that I’m an attention seeker. I thought, what the hell’s wrong with this world! She has no idea that all this crying is over her husband.  I wondered if anyone cared how I felt, and then I realised no-one did. I was alone, confused, and dying inside.

THAT WAS IT. THE DAY I INVENTED ANN!

The tv was off, but I was crying and rocking while looking into it, when I saw this girl playing and laughing, so I started to pretend that I too was in there with her. Something happened that day that made me feel really comfortable pretending that this friend really existed. Any time from that day onwards, whenever I felt scared or alone, She would always be there.

The psychiatrist I was seeing  told me that I invented her under stress and that she would go away.

Well I’m 44  and she never really has gone away. Everything bad I ever did, I blamed on ANN.

I’ve never been diagnosed with schizophrenia. Now I’m sure you’re thinking that maybe I should have!  There’s this song that Evanescence sings called  MY IMMORTAL, every time I hear it I think of me and ANN.

At some stage I will write more about ANN…

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Ignorance

We were out at restaurant with my husband’s business associates when someone talked about putting photos on their Facebook page.

Slowly the table kind of ventured on into discussion around some people not liking Facebook, and the others feeling indifferent. The woman I was sitting next to asked me if I was on Facebook so she could send me some photos.

Reluctantly I told her that I started this blog which you can connect to Facebook, but not to me personally only my blog site. Confused why it would matter she said just use your full name and connect to that, no big deal!

I explained to her that writing about such personal things and Bi-Polar in general was very personal to me and that I didn’t want the negative feedback from people I know. Been able to be completely truthful and know that maybe I can help someone and stay anonymous, was the best way for me. I told her people are ignorant to mental illness and that’s why I chose to do it that way. Bye the way, my name really is Paula:)

WELL, one thing led to another and before I knew it the whole table had turned against Facebook, all but this one woman. The things they said about the sort of people that write all their personal stuff, etc, have rocks in their heads and there has to be something wrong with them. I stayed silent and just listened to all the horrible things these people had to say.

This is why I don’t have a personal Faceboook Page. The ignorance of some people! This woman was amazing and said how some people write to help heal themselves, some about mental illness, and others it’s  just a way to keep in touch.

God, that was it! A green light to then start on the people suffering with a mental illness. Some one said, you prove our point, people with mental illness are crazy and that’s why they tell the world how they are feeling. Wow this is crazy I thought, are some people really this ignorant. To be labeled with Depression, Bi-Polar, Anxiety, Schizophrenia etc is hard enough. But to hear these people talking about you but not knowing that you suffer with some of these things is unbearable.

Am I crazy? I don’t think so!  People are scared of things they know nothing about. I’m sure if they knew I was one of these people they would have shut up, but personally might have thought that maybe I would pull out a knife and stab them. That’s how ignorant this entire table was, all but this one woman, who by the way, was a nurse.

I had only told her about my depression blog, which she thought was great as she was well aware of how many people suffer in silence. Seriously she fought for my rights like a knight in shining armor, only no one knew.

14 people where having a go at her and she just let them have it. In the end some guy mad a joke out of it, and the table calmed. I waited for everyone to leave and I thanked her for supporting me, even though like I said no-one knew she was defending my rights to write about a subject no-one wants to talk about. People like her give me the courage to keep writing, and I can only hope that people like the others never read my blog:)

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