Tag Archives: hypermania

Fear and Ann

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They say FEAR stands for False Evidence Appearing Real.

So how does it feel so real at the time?

You can fear things like snakes, spiders, flying, clowns, driving, drowning, heights, etc etc…

To me, they kind of seem justified. But why do we fear the unknown???? Why can’t we look at something and go “Hey! That looks really different and exciting- I think I’ll go check it out!  Who cares if I fail – at least I gave it my best shot!”.

Ohhhh to be like that I would give my right arm. OR MAYBE NOT!!!  Lol  This is especially prevalent when I’m on a high. No, not drugs, but hypomania, which comes with being Bipolar. Hypomania can get you into trouble. But, at the same time, it doesn’t limit your thinking! You want to try and do everything even if you fail! You have a million ideas running through your mind.

Now, I don’t often talk about it, but I have another personality…. Who I call Ann! (don’t be scared now!) Lol

No, I don’t have schizophrenia.  But if you want to know where it all started you can go back in time to my discussion about Ann. It’s not a nice post, but it explains how Ann emerged.

I kind of look at her as an ultra ego type of personality that I created in order to get through my life at the time. But she never left me.

Now when we talk about fear, Paula has all the “What If’s” and “Hang on lets think about this?”. Basically, she’s cautious and very responsible.

When you talk about fear to Ann, she feels strong and will do anything to break through the restraints. She could move mountains if it were possible and won’t let fear intimidate her. I think it all comes back to that Fight Flight Thing I just talked about in the last post.  It’s really hard to explain, but I believe the two personalities compliment each other. During the day, I would not wear any make-up. The moment night came and I was going out, Ann emerged. The change was incredible. I knew it was always me; just a much wilder, harder to control me!  I haven’t meet a person that hasn’t liked Ann. She will draw you into her world and hold you there. Ann became my protector when I felt I had been abandoned by those I trusted.

No matter what, the moment I have one drink… I’m Ann. Paula can go out saying she’ll only stay a while, then Ann takes over and she’s the last to leave. My doctor agrees that the two personalities work. In a way that is totally dissimilar to Jekyll and Hyde!! Lol

Luckily the two are friendly only one is a great deal more open to anything and everything and Ann is very assertive.  Ann got me into heaps of trouble and took me down paths I should never have gone. My husband loves Ann – Paula pales in comparison! Sometimes now it’s hard for me to say which one I prefer.Why? because I’m both and one without the other wouldn’t be me!

When my mum was pregnant with me they told her at about 3 months that she had lost her baby. I will spare you the details. So she went back to life as usual. 8 or so weeks later she went back to the doctor as she felt something moving inside. Yip, that was me!! The only way they could explain it was she was more than likely carrying twins and lost one. I was only 5 pounds as I was born 6 weeks premature. Hence the name Paula …. Meaning small!

God forbid… Imagine if there was another me!

Where am I going with this?

Internally I’ve always felt alone yet I’ve never been alone. It’s the strangest feeling in the world. My whole family know that I blame Ann for everything. When I was late, drinking too much, doing whatever I felt like…I Blamed her.

It’s strange to have a second personality that your family like and accept. If I cry and feel lost about my life, Ann comes and finds things to make me laugh. It’s very childish I know, but it’s always worked.When the chips are down she’s the one that pulls me up and makes me start again. Ann walks into a room and demands the attention. She can work the room with great gusto. She loves to meet new people and can mix with anyone.  Paula isn’t as confident, and will survey a room looking for the exit!

If you were to spend time with me you may or may not pick up on the two personalities, but for sure you will wonder where all my enthusiasm comes from. If I see someone down, Paula will want to embrace you and know your life story. Ann doesn’t want to know anything, she will just make you laugh and encourage you to push through! I suppose people that know me on wordpress see this side a lot! I will always encourage people, especially when you’re down. I can’t help it. It’s part of who I am.

Being like this is why I think my husband says I’m embracing with one arm and holding people at bay with the other. Ann won’t let anyone hurt Paula!

What both personalities do have though is a huge amount of love to give everyone. My type of love may not be the falling-in-love romance type. But free, unconditional love, without prejudice.

Hopefully I haven’t scared or pushed any of you away. Again, it’s not schizophrenia. It’s someone my mind created to protect me when I was young. And decided to keep around.

So, am I alone out there or do you or anyone you know have another personality?

Hugs to you all

x Paula and Ann!!!

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