Tag Archives: anxious

No, means no!!

Hello my fellow bloggers,

I had a horrible experience with one of my male clients just before Christmas.

He came to me for a manzilian. Basically it’s the removal of all pubic hair.  Don’t cringe guys, it’s really popular! 🙂

Since I began waxing I’ve done heaps of men and they have all being really respectful. This particular man was everything but that. He was totally inappropriate and disgusting. The way he made me feel about myself and the whole situation was something no one should have to go through. As I was waxing him he kept touching me in places no one should, not without your permission first. This went on for nearly an hour. I tried to plead with him many times and asked him to stop repeatedly. It was like talking to a brick wall and was exhausting mentally.  He unnerved me so much that my hands started to shake and I struggled to get the wax off. This was purely out of stress, nothing else. Like talking to a child, I asked him if his mother ever taught him what no means? He just smirked at me and continued to harass me. I pleaded with him so many times but it was like the lights were on and no one was home. It was terrifying and I never want to feel like that again. Finally I convinced him to go and then I proceeded to put my wax trolley back against the wall. Thing was he was getting changed on the other side of the bed and I had my back to him. That’s when he grabbed me and put me into the corner of my room and kept trying to kiss me and was constantly groping me. I pleaded again for him to stop and please just go. You see he knew I was alone and no one was with me. Without going into too much detail I finally convinced him to leave. I knew walking in front of him was a risk but I didn’t know what else to do, so I just headed to my front door. That’s when he got desperate and pinned me against the bedroom door and began squeezing my breast hard and running his hands all over me whilst kissing me. I pushed him and turned my face away as much as I was able to, but he was a large man and way stronger than me. I felt sick to the stomach and new I was about to start crying. My right hand got loose from his grip and I managed to open the front door. I have a security screen and it was locked and I was so worried he would just slam the door shut, but he didn’t. I own the back block and I have neighbours just in front. At that point his eyes were flicking from one side to another, as if he was trying to work out his next move. Thankfully for me he must have worried about me screaming for help and decided to unlock the door and go. I was shaking profusely and as soon as he was out of my yard? I quickly hit the button to shut my big electric gate.

The details are too long from there to go into. What I can say is the police took a restraining order out against him on my behalf. I took some time off work and had thought of closing my business down. But, after lots of crying I’ve decided I’m not going to let one creep take away everything I’ve worked hard to get. I’m back working and a lot stronger for it. My gut told me something was wrong with him the first time I saw him and wondered if I should see him again. My problem is I’m too trusting and give people the benefit of the doubt too many times, and then I’m left sorry on many of those occasions. NOT AGAIN!! When that sixth sense tells me somethings not right?? I’m going to listen and act accordingly to my intuition. I was raped when I was 20yrs old and this brought back all those horrid memories that I had tried to bury for so long now. I’ve even blogged about the rape when I first started blogging as a way of getting it our of my head. But this shit head brought it all back and I hate him for it! I know that all sounds harsh but I’m sick of protecting the perpetrators in my life. He’s not the victim…I am!

He’s pleaded not guilty in court and has said that I had touched him inappropriately. Hearing this makes me sick that he can do what he did to me and then turn around and say this about me! I’m going to have faith in the law that they will see him for everything he is…And that’s a predator!!

I’ve gone over the scenarios of what I should have done a thousand times over and over again. What you think you would do and say in these circumstances isn’t always what your capable of doing at the time. Stress and fear take over and your left vulnerable. No, means no and stop? means Stop! As I write this I know all too well how lucky I was to not be raped by this man. Yet, he has left me feeling disgusting about myself and has taken a part of me he had no right to take.

This happened on the 20th December and it’s taken me this long to be able to talk about it and not cry. If you have ever uncounted this or much worse than this? know that you did nothing wrong and these people are just pure evil! That’s all they are, nothing more!!

I hug all of you. Paula xxx

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Sydney

Hello World,
How’s life treating you all?

Now, I expect an answer to that question!
Well only if you wish to divulge it to the whole world, right? I say do it! Hahaha.

A few weeks back I had the opportunity to go to Sydney for 1 week, it wasn’t really planned so I hummed and hared about whether or not to go; then I thought, why not!

I’ve been many times, but never to Wollongong so it was fun and exciting to see a different part to Sydney. I am from Perth which is located on the West coast of Australia and Sydney is on the East Coast; it is 3,936 km from Perth to Sydney, which is a total flying time of 5 hours – or 42 hours driving, to give a few of you a perspective on this distance: A flight from London to Washington D.C is 7 hours. Moscow to London is a 4 hour flight or 30 hour drive and from Washington DC to Las Vegas (Woohoo!) is 4 and a half hours flying or 36 hours driving.

Sydney and its surrounds contain 20% of the entire population of Australia! It was the site of the first British colony in Australia, established in 1788 and it was originally going to be named ‘Albion’.
It is home to many iconic Australian landmarks such as the Sydney Bridge, which is the widest spanning steel bridge in the world and it took 272,000 litres of paint for the original 3 coats. It is rumored that at one point, a team of painters was permanently employed to paint the bridge, as once they had finished the job, it was time to paint it again!

M’ from Nepal  lives there and had said at one stage that if I ever come to Sydney to contact her, but because it was such a last minute thing I was hesitant to contact her and say, “Guess what, I’m in Sydney” 🙂 Long story short, we did meet and it was great! M came with her husband AS and what a beautiful young couple they are! They are both originally from Nepal, so M arranged for us to meet at an Nepalese restaurant; The food was so full of flavour and the desserts were so good that I went to a Nepalese store and bought the dessert to come back to Perth with! Call me crazy but I was unsure if we had it here in Perth. 🙂

M showed us photos of her wedding to AS in Nepal. Wow! Let me tell you what a colourful and beautiful tradition they have for getting married, the ceremony goes for 10 days. Can you imagine that? We get tired for just the one wedding day, never mind 9 more days after that, right? 🙂 My high heels would be killing me.! Hahaha.  M is the first blogger I’ve met and I hope one day to meet more of you out there! M has met about 4 other bloggers and I’m totally jealous! Hahaha, I can’t think of anything better than meeting more of you; M doesn’t show her face on her blog so out of respect for M I didn’t take a photo of us. 🙂
We are like a  giant community from all walks of life, yet we share one thing in common and that’s a respect for each others thoughts and ideas. Everyone is very supportive of each other and that’s what I love, no one is out to hurt anyone and in part we are all just letting each other into a small part of our world and sharing something that’s passionate to us; whether that be in the form of poetry, art, food, travel, random thoughts and ideas, mental illness, religion, spirituality, photography or a writer. Basically there are many, many topics that are written about and this is just a small example of our community.

We all get busy, and blogging is NOT the only thing in life we do, but it’s a special part of us that we all share.
So from me to you and you and you and you! 🙂  I thank you all for the time and effort that you give to the the blogging community and the rest of the world, If I’m having a bad day you have no idea how coming to the computer and reading your posts or comments can put me in good spirits, so for that I thank you!

Now if this is how I feel and I imagine that many others do too, your blogs do more good than you will ever realise.

So have you met any fellow bloggers?

Many hugs to you all, Paula xxxx

I’ve attached a few pictures of Sydney that I’ve found (I did not take these photographs!).

816622-sydney-new-year-039-s-fireworks
sydney
sydney-harbour-and-opera-house

 

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Health Update

Fantasy Fairy

Hey world, how are you all? I have so missed you and your blogs.

Well, I came out of hospital like I said on the last post which was my birthday. I was relieved to be back home with my Sakura and my birds, Pippa and BJ.

I was allowed home on the condition I have maintenance ECT’s once  a week. So I go into hospital every Wednesday, have the ECT on Thursday morning and come home mid-morning. At first I wanted the Doctor to stop them as I had enough, but the truth is I think I need to keep up with them. Why you say? Okay, I’ll tell you! Lol

You see when you have Bipolar, life can be darn right tricky and at times you can be fooled into thinking everything is okay… When really, it’s not. Admitting you have a problem isn’t an easy task, actually far from it. Someone like me, who likes to smile and joke around, finds it difficult to come out and say “I need help”. I tend to keep it hidden deep inside me and it takes all my strength to hold on and not let the negative thoughts take over my head.

I love everyone around me and I have a great support network of people who love me,  but when you’re sliding into the darkness you try hard to not take them with you. In saying that, those around me want me to offload the burden onto them as they feel it will make life easier for me. As mush as I would love to do that, I still haven’t found the courage or the strength to reach out for help and take them into my darkness. There are times when I am alone and cry and ask God if he is real, please save me and let me have peace in my mind just like everyone else. I’m not religious as many of you know, but I’m a good person and feel if he is real he just might answer my prayer and one day make me free from this illness.

When I go into hospital my heart goes out to so many of the people there. We all take life and our health for granted, but what happens when our mental health goes haywire and we are left with this burden of trying to work out what life is all about and where we fit in the big picture of it all! I have a great life, filled with great friends and family, yet when darkness knocks at my door? I can try to ignore it but in the end I’m forced to answer it because the bell won’t stop ringing. So I let it in and then I’m forced to work it all out. Now at first it ignores me and stays swarming all around me, engulfing me in its darkness. But I want – and need – to live, so I have to look deep inside my soul to find the courage and strength to beat the darkness.

I stay away from dark coloured clothes as my Doctor says this is a good thing to do. I love black so I force myself into brighter colours when darkness looks like it could win. Some days it’s all so hard and I just want to sit down and say, No More! If it wasn’t for all the people I love so much I really would just give in. But NO!! I won’t and can’t let those that have loved me so dearly in life feel punished by my death. When we die a part of everyone that has loved us die as well, and that’s not fair.

There are many parts to Paula, and even though she fights the darkness, from time to time another part of her pushes her to keep going because happiness is there and soon it will engulf me and not the darkness. I will be free and happy and this is what keeps me going.

I appreciate every single one of you that has sent me well wishes, and your strength gives me courage to keep going. I am more than someone with Bipolar, I’m a mother to 2 beautiful sons (22 and 30) I’m a sister to 4 brothers and 1 sister, I’m an Aunt to 15 children, Mother Cat to my gorgeous Sakura and my 2 birds 🙂 I’m a friend to many beautiful and wonderful people. And I’m a girlfriend to an amazingly beautiful  man who has stuck by my side through all this ugliness that took over my body and tried to claim my soul. It’s all of these reasons that I’m fighting so hard to keep on track. And I will succeed for I can’t have these people’s lives ruined because I wasn’t strong enough to fight the battle with in.

I felt as if I should share this side of me. This is a blog about Depression, right? I am making myself be honest about my thoughts and feelings, baring myself to you. No one likes talking about Depression, but it’s real and it’s engulfing and terribly ugly. Breathing is like hyperventilating and you wonder how you’ll get that next breath out. It’s cruel and lonely no matter how many people are on your side you feel alone.

To anyone out there suffering in silence, I embrace you and urge you to tell someone, don’t be alone and fight the battle with no one on your side. Reach out to anyone that you trust and ask for help. You’re not crazy because your suffering with Depression – or any other mental disorder… You have just hit a bump in this things we call life. Don’t isolate yourself for you are a wonderful human being that deserves to be here as much as anyone else. Saying you need help is not a weakness, it shows great courage. Don’t give in, for you are worth the fight. I may not know you but I know your pain and feel your sadness. Tomorrow really is another day, so hold on and reach out for help. You’re beautiful and I know that there must be people around you who would support you and be at your side in a flash if they knew that they could lose you. Be strong, and hold on to whatever makes you happy.

Before I go, I just wanted to tell you all that I miss reading all of your blogs. Please forgive me if I don’t get around to answering or reading all your posts. I will do my best, but like I said it’s not a great time for me so I can only do so much right now. I really wanted to just touch base with you all and let you know where my health is at. I will give it my best shot to check out as many blogs as I can. But I’m not sure how far I’ll get. Much love to you all and I’m so grateful to all of you that have stuck by me during this dark time in my life.

Many hugs to you all, Paula xxxxxx

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Depression Exists

sad-angelDepression Exists:

Well I suppose a post about Depression has been looming, right? The joys of being Bipolar.

To say that I’m hating the world and life would be a lie. I love the world but at times life overwhelms me and I’m left dazed and confused. Remember I said I had everything when I was married but I felt I had nothing? Well, I suppose this is how I’m feeling…  Yet the truth is I don’t have everything anymore but I have more than most people do so I shouldn’t complain. But what I have learnt since leaving my husband is that although I was unhappy in my marriage, there’s something so deep inside me that I’m not sure I will ever be happy. It’s like if you had a can opener and opened me up you would find one big whirly mess! Hahaha actually I think opening any of us up would be a disaster. LMAO bad example, right? Haha

That’s the one saving grace that I always seem to keep and that’s my sense of humour. I laugh at life and at myself and try not to take too many things seriously.  If I did I would fall apart too often and I need to live in this world like everyone else and not have Bipolar define me as a person. We are more than our illness.

Depression is odd and the reason it’s such a lonely place is because we don’t like to let others in, because lets face it – we don’t want to be in there ourselves, so why drag you into oblivion with us? We need you to stay happy and give us hope that tomorrow really is another day… A better one! Get through today and deal with tomorrow as it comes. Baby steps is what I always say; get up, get dressed and you’re halfway there!

Some people who meet me can’t understand why I suffer with Depression when I look so happy. Easy my fellow bloggers? I lie to me and to you that all is well and that gives me strength to get through. Might sound a little odd to you but it really works for me. A person with Bipolar may not even know why today they are sad and feeling low, they just are! I suppose that’s when I have to admit defeat and accept I have a mental illness. You have no idea how much It pains me to write those words! Ask anyone with Bipolar and they will say the same, we just don’t know why? I suppose it is just in the genetic makeup of many of us. I think I prefer the days when I know what’s pulling me down because at least I can try to rationalise with whatever’s going on in Paula’s mind and hopefully/usually work through them, and then life becomes all sunshine and roses again…. Pink ones! Haha

The problem this time is that I’m struggling internally. I know that’s a bad thing because right now there’s a lot more than I can cope with, so with a little help/shove from a close friend 🙂  I have given in and made an appointment with my psychiatrist. I used to feel asking for help was a weakness and I hated that more than anything. But over time I’ve come to realise it’s not, it’s actually a good thing because we can let it all out in an environment where there will be no judgement… Just help, and the right kind of help at that!

Suicidal thoughts can plague the mind of someone with Bipolar when they think their world is falling apart. To an onlooker their world may be completely fine, but to us deep in our souls the devil is lurking and playing with our minds. So we have to fight back with all our strength and remember what beauty our world holds and how many people love us.

To all that may be suffering in silence right now? I urge you to seek help in any way that you can, for tomorrow really is another day. It will get better – it usually always does – but in the interim we have to deal with a little pain and suffering. Some things in life are just out of our control and it’s up to us how we pass the test the universe has given us. What we must never forget is that we deserve to be here and to be happy just like everyone else. Depression wins only if we let it, but it’s not cured overnight. It takes a great deal of strength and courage to fight it.  Be kind to yourself and don’t let today ruin your tomorrow for you will never know what could have been.  Stay strong, reach out, and trust those who love you to get you through the hard times, for they need you as much as you need them. Fight for the person you once were before the Depression took hold of you. And remember when you’re down they are down too and all they want is you back by their side.

I hug you all and thank you for being there through the good and the bad times I’ve had. Please don’t worry for me as this won’t pull me down, I refuse to let it. I find a reason to smile every day because this is what pulls me through. I’m just letting you into my Bipolar mind and how at times we must ask for help.

Hugs to you all, Paula xxxxx

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Hello My Blog Family!

fairy-wide

Hello family of bloggers,

Well, I said I would be back blogging – but unfortunately life hasn’t allowed it just yet.

My stepfather has been ill and it’s taken 7 weeks to finally be diagnosed with cancer. I have spent quite a bit of time going backwards and forwards to the hospital with my mother.

He finally starts radiation treatment in a couple of weeks.  We never know what’s around the corner waiting for us, do we? I suppose we just have to be thankful for every day we have, and show those around us how much we love them. Don’t sweat the small things, and be grateful for all we have. If we have our health?? We have all we truly need.

My stepfather has fought cancer of the prostate before, and now he has it in his leg muscle. He can and will fight it – he’s a fighter. I lost my previous stepfather, the man who brought me up, a few months ago and I’m not about to lose another. To anyone out there that’s dealing with cancer (or any other serious illness) I hug you and wish well in your fight.

This man has been my light in many dark days and I love him dearly. He’s cried and I’ve cried but now he knows what he’s dealing with? He won’t let it get the better of him. He said that no matter what he’s going to be fine. He told me I need him and he needs me… Yep, I cried! But again, he’s determined to not let it beat him.

So,  life will soon get back to some sort of normality as life has to go on. He went home yesterday and being in his own environment will be way better than sitting in a hospital bed. He can look outside at his little garden and the pretty flowers. I know he’s going to be fine as he has a great positive attitude.

Just letting you know what’s happening in my world and why blogging has taken a back seat yet again.

Miss all your blogs and will soon be back commenting.

Love and many hugs to you all, Paula xxxx

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Depression Exists

angel

This post is in support of the people I follow – and also the people that follow me – who are suffering deeply with Depression right now:

For those out there that are struggling to cope with their Depression. You know who you are, and of course I would never mention any of you. But I want you to know that although you feel alone and people on WordPress aren’t in the physical world with you, they are there in spirit.
Keep reaching out, keep writing; write about everything. Especially, write about the ugliness that you are feeling. It needs to get out of your head and thrown into the universe. If we hold it all in something has to give, and it has the potential to lead to a breakdown.
I wish some of you could seek therapy. You would see just how free your mind and life can be. Someone to listen to you that’s not there to judge you… Just help you in any way they can to make you well again. However I understand how the prospect of therapy can be daunting/too difficult so I won’t push the point.

Depression isn’t pretty. It’s ugly, lonely, dark and cold. You don’t have to write that the world is beautiful. Let those that have more strength than you right now shine their light down onto you. Don’t push them away, reach out and take their hand. Even if it’s just for a short while. We all have to come up for air, then lay back down and try again tomorrow!

Reading some of your posts lately has taken all the strength and energy in me to not break down crying myself. Actually some of them I couldn’t help but shed a tear. It seems that there are so many of you struggling right now that I feel I have to write something in support for you all. I write now for you, and also for me – it helps to write, to get it out of my head.

I’ve been where you are now and I know what strength it takes to pull through. But you can do it. Believe in yourself. You are beautiful.

Baby steps. One day at a time. Suicidal thoughts and believing that you are ugly and useless are crippling. Don’t judge you by the way you say you look, judge by based on the beautiful soul that you are inside. I’ve said before there are some beautiful looking people in this world that are very ugly on the inside. Right now, the outside is just what’s protecting the beautiful you inside. Let go of all that hurt and the outside will soon start to sort itself out. Love it again and see what happens. I care very much about you and many others here on WordPress do to! Don’t let the Depression win. You are all worth fighting for, so fight back with great strength and courage.  Don’t let people put you down, even when they are family.  No one in this world is worthless, we all have a place and reason for being here. What that reason is… I don’t know. It’s up to all of us to learn that one ourselves.

I know it’s easier said than done… I really do! But I also know it can be done, because I did it.
I was lost in oblivion and never thought I would find my way back, but I did. And I really believe that you can too.
Find a reason. Just one reason. Find the reason that makes you get up every morning, and slowly the rest will fall into place.

There is no magical pill or cure. It’s about finding strength within ourselves and the belief that we are not failures, we  have just veered off our tracks. We can suffer Depression for all sorts of different reasons, but at the end of the day, we feel the same. We just want to be able to breath again without feeling like we’re drowning. Sometimes the tiredness outdoes the strength and willpower to get through. But you will find it, believe in you!! Remember, time heals everything.

Depression is REAL it’s not in your head. Fight it and never give up on YOU!

You deserve to be happy and to be loved just like every other human being out there. Don’t let anybody tell you any different!!

If I could teleport myself to each and everyone of you as I read your cries for help? I would. But that’s not possible, so all I can say, is I hear you and feel you. Stay connected with people in any way you feel you can. Don’t hide yourself away, you will only feel worse in the long run. I wish I had an answer for you all, but I don’t. All I can do is send you love.

Take care of you.

Hugs to you all, Paula xxxx

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Depression Exists

no-elevator-to-success

Depression Exists:

I think in life we sometimes put too much pressure on ourselves to succeed. We have a tendency to judge success by what we own and not always by what we have achieved.

The fancy Car/Home, Money, Boat, Great Job, Designer Clothes etc etc.

But I don’t think we should judge success by this alone. Success is about becoming  the best person we can be.
Being true to ourselves and our fellow human beings.
Having  family and friends that love and respect you.
Success is being able to look in the mirror and love what you see.
It’s about loving and appreciating the simple things in life.
Okay, this is not to say people shouldn’t be proud of what they have  achieved. Not at all! It’s brilliant if you have dedicated your life to getting to where you are now and have come out the other end with  everything that matters to you. It’s just so many people get there, turn around and  realise everything they loved is now gone. They forgot about the simple things in life that truly make us happy and bring us peace. That family and friends count for so much.

We all need something to aspire to. But not to the point that everything that truly matters flies out the window. Depression holds no prejudice and has no boundaries. No one is safe from its grip, once you fall down, it’s anyone’s game. It’s doing your best to not fall in the first place. Monetary etc is not worth your health. You can never buy back your health!

Just because you have Depression doesn’t mean you can’t be cured, or get some kind of  reprieve from it. Re-evaluate if you have to, change course if need be!  Go the other way, do a U- Turn; whatever it takes to bring you back to good health. A happy, more positive person, free of guilt or failure.

Success is being able to look around you and see the smiles and happiness that you have brought to those you love and especially to yourself. You, you are the most important one, when you fall everything else around you does too. You are the key to your kingdom. Those around you just want you to be happy. If you’re happy? They are too!

Be happy and stay the course, it may take a while to get back there, but once you have? Boy, how beautiful will life be!

Being able to share everything you have achieved in life with someone may be considered a success. Don’t measure your success and failures against anyone. There will always be greater and less fortunate people out there.  What makes you happy? What makes you feel like you’ve succeeded? That’s all that matters and staying healthy in the process!

I wish you all love and good health. Be at peace with you and don’t put too much undue pressure on yourself to succeed. Look around you – maybe you will see that you’re already there!!  Everything that truly matters may be staring at you now! For You May Have Already Succeeded!!

Hugs to you all…..Paula xxxx

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