Hope your all having a great week!
I thought about whether or not to show you my tattoo, and then I remembered I promised to show all parts of my world this year.
So without further ado, welcome to my tattoo. A huge part of my world.
A lot of tattoos come with their fair share of stories and mine is no different as it holds great meaning to me. I didn’t just wake up and decide I wanted a tattoo at 43. It was after I had survived my attempted suicide nearly 4 years ago that my son mentioned the idea of me getting one. At first I laughed it off, but after loads of thought it started to make complete sense for me to go ahead with it.
You see that day I woke in hospital 4 years ago, I didn’t want to live, not even a tiny bit! I was incredibly unhappy. The lights were on but no one was home. It was like I had lost my soul and I didn’t know where to find it. Darkness surrounded me and all I felt was deep pain and sorrow. In fact it took 1 month in hospital and 15 ECT’S ( Shock Treatment) to make me realise that I did want to live, I just needed to learn how!
After every tear a person could possibly shed I knew in my heart of hearts I could never let this happen to me again, or put those that love me through such pain and sadness ever again. Unfortunately being Bipolar only makes this even harder to do. Somehow I had to learn to love me and forgive everyone around me that had hurt me so badly when I was younger. The only way I could think of this, was to tattoo myself to remind myself that that day in hospital when I said I wanted to live? I had to have something that would always remind me of this.
So the fairy reminds me that I made a wish that day to somehow find the will to live. When I’m low it’s a constant reminder to seek help when I’m sliding. I put my Sakura at the bottom as she’s my child and has pulled me through many many dark nights. I needed her close by me as she fills me with unconditional love and strength. She’s much more than a cat to me.
The fairy’s dress being pink was for my favourite colour. I had them tattoo really bright colours so it was in my face… and boy is it bright, agree?? 🙂
Whenever I’m low? this is a constant reminder to get help and to do it quickly.
The tattoo is very large and it’s on my right thigh.
Now I realise I was hospitalised in March last year for some of the same reasons, and you could argue the point that it hasn’t really helped me, right? Not true though. It got me through 3 years without being hospitalised. It was me and my psychiatrist that made the decision to hospitalise me last year. I was extremely suicidal and very close to not being here. But it was the the tattoo that reminded me to seek help. You see I smile when I’m happy and have learnt to hide behind that smile when I’m sad. I learnt this as a child. So it can be really hard for those who love me, as they see me smiling and at times wonder if I’m really happy or not?
Have you or anyone you know, ever had a tattoo to remind you or them of anything? There are many stories behind tattoos and I would love to hear yours.
Hope I haven’t shocked any new readers seeing this huge tattoo on my thigh.
Many hugs to you all, Paula xxxx