Depression Exists

Hello Everyone,

Hope your all having a great week! 

I thought about whether or not to show you my tattoo, and then I remembered I promised to show all parts of my world this year.

So without further ado, welcome to my tattoo. A huge part of my world. 

tat

A lot of tattoos come with their fair share of stories and mine is no different as it holds great meaning to me. I didn’t just wake up and decide I wanted a tattoo at 43. It was after I had survived my attempted suicide nearly 4 years ago that my son mentioned the idea of me getting one. At first I laughed it off, but after loads of thought it started to make complete sense for me to go ahead with it.

You see that day I woke in hospital 4 years ago, I didn’t want to live, not even a tiny bit! I was incredibly unhappy. The lights were on but no one was home. It was like I had lost my soul and I didn’t know where to find it. Darkness surrounded me and all I felt was deep pain and sorrow.  In fact it took 1 month in hospital and 15 ECT’S ( Shock Treatment) to make me realise that I did want to live, I just needed to learn how!

After every tear a person could possibly shed I knew in my heart of hearts I could never let this happen to me again, or put those that love me through such pain and sadness ever again. Unfortunately being Bipolar only makes this even harder to do. Somehow I had to learn to love me and forgive everyone around me that had hurt me so badly when I was younger. The only way I could think of this,  was to tattoo myself to remind myself that that day in hospital when I said I wanted to live? I had to have something that would always remind me of this.

So the fairy reminds me that I made a wish that day to somehow find the will to live. When I’m low it’s a constant reminder to seek help when I’m sliding. I put my Sakura at the bottom as she’s my child and has pulled me through many many dark nights. I needed her close by me as she fills me with unconditional love and strength. She’s much more than a cat to me.

The fairy’s dress being pink was for my favourite colour.  I had them tattoo really bright colours so it was in my face… and boy is it bright, agree?? 🙂

Whenever I’m low?  this is a constant reminder to get help and to do it quickly.

The tattoo is very large and it’s on my right thigh.

Now I realise I was hospitalised in March last year for some of the same reasons, and you could argue the point that it hasn’t really helped me, right? Not true though. It got me through 3 years without being hospitalised. It was me and my psychiatrist that made the decision to hospitalise me last year.  I was extremely suicidal and very close to not being here. But it was the the tattoo that reminded me to seek help. You see I smile when I’m happy and have learnt to hide behind that smile when I’m sad. I learnt this as a child. So it can be really hard for those who love me, as they see me smiling and at times wonder if I’m really happy or not?

Have you or anyone you know, ever had a tattoo to remind you or them of anything? There are many stories behind tattoos and I would love to hear yours.

Hope I haven’t shocked any new readers seeing this huge tattoo on my thigh.

Many hugs to you all, Paula xxxx

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20 Comments

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20 responses to “Depression Exists

  1. I love your tattoo… ❤ I have always wanted to get a dandelion tattoo but my mom would probably kill me for getting one.. :p you always inspire me with the stories of your struggle, and your jest to overcome your depression. I hope you are doing well now. Much love… 🙂

    • Yay! Thank you.
      🙂
      If I had gotten a tattoo when I was younger, my mum also would have killed me!! 🙂 I try to not take too many things in my life seriously, including my Bipolar! I refuse to let the illness or my past define me as a person. I’m more than an illness and a crappy past. Problem is sometimes the illness and the past sneak up on me like a bad smell, and I struggle to get rid of it. There are so many people out there that have suffered terribly and they keep going. They are the ones that inspire me. Your a beautiful girl and I thank you!
      Hugs Paula xxx

  2. I like your “constant reminder”, Paula. My 16-year-old grandson got a couple of tattoos this year, without his parents’ permission. Not sure why he did it, but he’s in trouble. 😦

    • When my eldest son (31) was younger, he pleaded with me to get a tattoo. I thought by saying no and waiting till he was older he would change his mind. Nope! Lol Once he was of age he got a tattoo. Now he has about 6. Some kids find it’s a way of expressing themselves. Have a great day, Sylvia. Hugs xxxxx

  3. Paula, I like that there’s a happy ending story behind your tattoo. As soon as I saw the cat I smiled because I knew it was Sakura. Now I’ll be curious to know the story behind other tattoos I see on people around me. Huge hugs as you remember your decision to live. I’ve lost a couple of family members to suicide, and it’s such a sad way to leave your loved ones behind. We all need help sometimes. I’m so glad you’ve learned to reach out for it.
    Blessings ~ Wendy xo

    • Hello Wendy-Lee!

      The tattooist told me that nearly ever tattoo he had ever done, had a story behind it. Your right about the damage suicide does to a family. My children and family were devastated when I was rushed to hospital, and it took a long time before they stopped worrying about me day and night. The tattoo helps more than anyone can imagine! Seeing my family at my bedside crying and me crying with them out of shame and guilt, I don’t ever want that to happen again. I realise I have an illness and that comes with taking responsibility for making sure I’m well. Meaning taking my medication and seeing my psychiatrist when I feel I’m sliding.

      I’m truly sorry that you understand this all too well, and for your loss.
      Much love to you. Paula xxxx

  4. Beautiful tattoo! It looks great! Day by day is the only way to do it, Paula! I hope each coming day is better and better for you. Sharon (PurpleRosemary)

    • Hi Sharon, thank you. I’m glad you like it!
      🙂
      Your right sometimes day by day is all you can do. When I feel myself slipping, I tell myself that if I can get through the night then tomorrows another day. Sounds silly but it helps. Hope your having a great day.

      Hugs Paula xxxx

  5. Hello Paula,

    it amazes me how much thought you put in the tattoo – and I’m glad that it really helped you.

    Actually, I only know people who have some tattoos for decoration. They all went to a tattoo shop and selected a motive from the ones available there.

    So I never really saw the point of getting a tattoo – but as you said, your tattoo is a reminder – and I think that is a good reason to get one.

    Greetings,
    rabirius.

    • Hey Rabirius, 🙂

      I’m sure there are people out there that just go in and pick an image. Yet I still think it’s a way of people expressing themselves. God, I couldn’t understand how anyone could mark their bodies in this way. Now, I completely understand… I appreciate your thoughts!

      Have a great day! Hugs Paula xxx

  6. I have one tattoo on my inner arm. I had always wanted one, but I got it unexpectedly. I went to a tattoo shop with my sister cause she wanted to get a piercing on the top of her ear. She was too nervous to do it once we got there. So, I told her if she got her ear pierced, I would get a tattoo. So, she walked out with her piercing, and I walked out with a tattoo. Lol! The tattoo is music related. I was pursuing music at the time and wanted it to be a reminder to never give up on pursuing my dream. Well, I’m not pursuing a music career now, but music is still my passion and always will be, and one day I will pursue it again, but just for fun. So, I don’t regret my tattoo at all. I almost got another one earlier this year actually.

    • What a trooper! That’s sibling love right there!

      Took me years to get one and at times I think about getting another one, and then I remember how old I am!! Hahaha
      So, no more tattoos for me. For guys it’s way more acceptable. If you don’t mind send a picture of your tattoo? It would be cool to see it.

      Have a great day. Hugs from Oz. Paula xxx

  7. What a great idea from your son. So glad that his idea has worked. I’m sure that he is so glad, too!

  8. Al

    That is a gorgeous tattoo and a very good way to remind yourself when you need help. My first tattoo was a phoenix which I got just after my then wife left me to show that from the ashes something new will arise, and although the phoenix has died a few times since then, it is always reborn.

    • Hey Alister!

      You so have to upload a photo here so we can all see! Your tattoo meaning is fantastic and very inspiring! Glad you like mine.

      Hugs to you and the kids. Paula xxx

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