Tag Archives: Rape

No, means no!!

Hello my fellow bloggers,

I had a horrible experience with one of my male clients just before Christmas.

He came to me for a manzilian. Basically it’s the removal of all pubic hair. ¬†Don’t cringe guys, it’s really popular! ūüôā

Since I began waxing I’ve done heaps of men and they have all being really respectful. This particular man was everything but that. He was totally inappropriate and disgusting. The way he made me feel about myself and the whole situation was something no one should have to go through. As I was waxing him he kept touching me in places no one should, not without your permission first. This went on for nearly an hour. I tried to plead with him many times and asked him to stop repeatedly. It was like talking to a brick wall and was exhausting mentally. ¬†He unnerved me so much that my hands started to shake and I struggled to get the wax off. This was purely out of stress, nothing else. Like talking to a child, I asked him if his mother ever taught him what no means? He just smirked at me and continued to harass me. I pleaded with him so many times but it was like the lights were on and no one was home. It was terrifying and I never want to feel like that again. Finally I convinced him to go and then I proceeded to put my wax trolley back against the wall. Thing was he was getting changed on the other side of the bed and I had my back to him. That’s when he grabbed me and put me into the corner of my room and kept trying to kiss me and was constantly groping me. I pleaded again for him to stop and please just go. You see he knew I was alone and no one was with me. Without going into too much detail I finally convinced him to leave. I knew walking in front of him was a risk but I didn’t know what else to do, so I just headed to my front door. That’s when he got desperate and pinned me against the bedroom door and began squeezing my breast hard and running his hands all over me whilst kissing me. I pushed him and turned my face away as much as I was able to, but he was a large man and way stronger than me. I felt sick to the stomach and new I was about to start crying. My right hand got loose from his grip and I managed to open the front door. I have a security screen and it was locked and I was so worried he would just slam the door shut, but he didn’t. I own the back block and I have neighbours just in front. At that point his eyes were flicking from one side to another, as if he was trying to work out his next move. Thankfully for me he must have worried about me screaming for help and decided to unlock the door and go. I was shaking profusely and as soon as he was out of my yard? I quickly hit the button to shut my big electric gate.

The details are too long from there to go into. What I can say is the police took a restraining order out against him on my behalf. I took some time off work and had thought of closing my business down. But, after lots of crying I’ve decided I’m not going to let one creep take away everything I’ve worked hard to get. I’m back working and a lot stronger for it. My gut told me something was wrong with him the first time I saw him and wondered if I should see him again. My problem is I’m too trusting and give people the benefit of the doubt too many times, and then I’m left sorry on many of those occasions. NOT AGAIN!! When that sixth sense tells me somethings not right?? I’m going to listen and act accordingly to my intuition. I was raped when I was 20yrs old and this brought back all those horrid memories that I had tried to bury for so long now. I’ve even blogged about the rape when I first started blogging as a way of getting it our of my head. But this shit head brought it all back and I hate him for it! I know that all sounds harsh but I’m sick of protecting the perpetrators in my life. He’s not the victim…I am!

He’s pleaded not guilty in court and has said that I had touched him inappropriately. Hearing this makes me sick that he can do what he did to me and then turn around and say this about me! I’m going to have faith in the law that they will see him for everything he is…And that’s a predator!!

I’ve gone over the scenarios of what I should have done a thousand times over and over again. What you think you would do and say in these circumstances isn’t always what your capable of doing at the time. Stress and fear take over and your left vulnerable. No, means no and stop? means Stop! As I write this I know all too well how lucky I was to not be raped by this man. Yet, he has left me feeling disgusting about myself and has taken a part of me he had no right to take.

This happened on the 20th December and it’s taken me this long to be able to talk about it and not cry. If you have ever uncounted this or much worse than this? know that you did nothing wrong and these people are just pure evil! That’s all they are, nothing more!!

I hug all of you. Paula xxx

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Depression Exists (Part 3)

97_Crying Tears_Silva

Depression Exists!

Do you remember my Depression Exists post that mentioned Jon Rappoport’s view and how he felt that depression and mental illness did not exist? I don’t blame some of you for feeling angry and annoyed at his comments. I was deeply offended by them!

Depression and mental illnesses can be so¬†debilitating, then to read an article like that… Well, let us just say that it can stir old and new emotions. But his post got me thinking about the day I planned to kill myself. *sorry* Stop reading if you’re not up to it!!

I had been thinking about suicide for a really long time. But, for argument’s sake, let’s just say I had ¬†been surfing the net and come across his article at that pivotal moment in my life. I would have felt even worse thinking that nothing was wrong with me and that it was all in my head! I was already struggling with so many “What’s wrong with me? Why am I crying none stop in my head?” issues.

There was no light, only complete darkness. Smiling was easy; I’ve done it most of my life. But if you looked ¬†into my eyes? I suppose nobody does that! But if they had, they would have seen the¬†confusion and pain I was in. My mind was lost to some evil darkness that wanted to take me away. The pain I was going to cause my family was the only thing that stopped me.

Each day I woke and as the days went by I would think “Not today, because my son needs me for this, and then Not today, because he needs me for that?”. ¬†Then the day came when darkness has taken you far away from reality. It’s won! Today WILL be the day! Waking up in the hospital is the biggest pain to bear. Having your family see you in that condition is horrendous. They cry and just want to hold you. You cry in shame and¬†despair!….
Two years later this still brings tears to my eyes.

This man has NO idea what it’s like to suffer a deep depression! ¬†It’s almost worse knowing the significant experiences that contributed to your mental state – abuse and rape are so debilitating to mental balance.

How can he say there’s no evidence to prove this! My God, when someone’s raping you and taking all your dignity away… How can you be left whole after such an experience? Depression ensues… And not the fictitious kind!

I became pregnant and as a result had the pregnancy terminated. You have no idea what that does to your mind and soul. Did I still have no right to be depressed?

Sexual abuse as a child became part of my life. I prayed to God to help me. ¬†I don’t think I have forgiven him for never coming to my aid. Depression is REAL. ¬†It cripples you, especially when life has been so cruel and hurtful. Depression Does Exist and don’t let anyone tell you it doesn’t!

I used to hunt the internet for anything and everything that was out there concerning Depression. I wanted an answer, any answer! I just needed to know that everything was going to be okay and others out there had been where I was right now and had survived! ¬†The day I gave up, I asked God if he was real and listening. ¬†I asked him to forgive me for what I was about to do to my family. I’ve said it before and Ivonne even put the words in a song called “I was bleeding tears”.

Suicidal thoughts did not just appear. ¬†Deep depression had been mounting for months… And then years. When you make the decision there’s almost an eerie calmness that engulfs you; you feel relieved and¬†saddened at the same time. You look around and see things differently. You see more detail in everything. At night I would lay in my bed look at the ceiling and tears would just stream down. My husband lay there sleeping, unaware of what I was going through. Suffering in silence is painful and SO wrong! It’s hard to face our demons but if we don’t, we lose and they win!

Because of this I’m really mindful these days what I post. Being Bipolar 2 and having Depression isn’t an excuse or reason for me to not try and enjoy my life as much as you or anyone else. Depression is like being in a really turbulent relationship. One day you’re flying high, next you have to walk on eggshells trying not to provoke a negative reaction from yourself.

I’ve decided that Depression has controlled me for too long now and that I want to take back control of my own life. I’ve come to realise that nothing will ever take away the pain and sadness that I sometimes have to deal with, but I can say that I refuse to be a victim any longer. Those that harmed me have won if I let another day go by living in the past! Physical and mental pain is so hard to let go of, but how can we move forward if we don’t. I want to live and put my past to rest!

Having Bipolar 2 I am also aware that I will have days where I am on this roller coaster ride of emotions that I have to learn to embrace. It’s me, I’m like you… But different. When I love? I love deeply. When I feel pain? I am crippled. When I laugh? I feel ecstatic. When I cry? You don’t see it! When I’m lost? It’s a dark and cold place. At times I’ll let you in, and at times I’ll shut you out.

I want to save the world, but I can’t. I want us all to be equal, but life say’s No! I want there to be no racism, but life says No! I don’t want a child to go to bed hungry, but all I can do is donate.. So yes, children will still go to bed hungry. Life isn’t fair, but I can only control my own destiny. I don’t care whether someones black or white. We are all one, aren’t we?

So, does depression Exist? Yes, it does! But we have to learn to let go of our pain and know that so many people love us and we just have to reach out for help. Don’t let depression win, fight as you would to keep someone you loved! Because at the end of the day, that someone is you! And you are worth loving!

If I could tell me Back Then what I have learnt since, it would be along the lines of …

Dear Me Just Over Two Years Ago:
If you’re reading this, firstly – I know you won’t respond. But you will be reading. Now listen up.
It’s a really fine line that you are walking between life and death. Please believe in yourself, don’t give up. However horrible the pain is,you can pull through. You have made it this far! You’re a lot stronger than you think.
Nothing will ever take away the sadness, hurt or pain that you are feeling, but through time or therapy you can slowly start the healing process. You’re beautiful and special in every way. ¬†Don’t be or feel alone. Reach out! Call a crisis hotline and just cry into the phone! ¬†They will support and guide you in the right direction, and that kind of support is invaluable.
I realise you’re feeling physically and mentally drained and that it really does feel like you simply can’t take anymore. But you’re wrong! Don’t leave those that love you. You really will hurt them deeply and scar them for life.
If I could jump through the screen right now, I would. ¬†I would just hold you and let you know that everything will be alright.¬†Please don’t give up. Fight. Believe in your God if that helps. Talk to him. Talk to someone. Reach out.

Let’s try to let go of the pain and start a new beginning in 2013.

Paula xxxx

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Rape

This is a really delicate and extremely difficult subject to talk about, even after all these years. So I’ve decided to talk about it early in my blog so I don’t have to address it again.

It’s important for me to talk about this. It influences the way I am today and is what¬†led me to who I am.

The things I had been through for someone 20 years old was enough for anyone that age to deal with, and now this was just the straw that broke the camels back.

The first thing I would like to say is that I never reported my rape to authorities. One of the reasons was that I was used to being treated as a sex object, and had lived with secrets for years. I was told from a very young age that if I told anyone what had been done to me, no one would believe me and I would get into trouble for lying.

The following is what happened the next few days after the rape.

I tried to pretend it never happened. But it did, and I couldn’t just get on with things, like I had in the past. I cried and cried each night till I fell asleep. No matter how many times I showered I still felt dirty.

My fiancé was away working at the time, as we had 6 weeks to go until our wedding day, and he was trying to get as much money together to pay for the wedding. Every day that went by got more and more difficult for me to handle. I wanted to tell my fiancé so badly, but I was terrified he would blame me or leave me.

One day I decided to tell one of my cousins, as I was staying the night at her house when it happened. She told me that this particular person had been known to like blonde, blue-eyed¬†girls, and that I was not the first person she had heard of to apparently have this done to them. He would just boast about them all wanting and willing to have sex with him. So none of the girls did anything about it. Even though I said I was staying at my cousin’s house that night, it wasn’t where he raped me.

We had all been drinking at his hotel that night. When it closed we went back to my cousin’s and continued drinking with a group of people. Someone said we had run out of alcohol, so this person said he would go back to his hotel and get some more. Another cousin of mine said she would go and¬†that’s when he kept on for me to go and that it wouldn’t take us very long. So not knowing what I was in for, or knowing him until that night, I left with them. I was with my cousin and had no reason to think anything about it other than going to get more alcohol. The amount I had drunk that night I shouldn’t have been going with anyone to get more alcohol. But unfortunately in those days I never knew when to stop. Alcohol became my friend, the more I drank the less pain I would feel.

For my own sanity I can’t really write down everything that¬† happened in that next 2 hours. That’s right, we were gone that long that I didn’t even realise until we came back and everyone was in bed. To this day I believe wholeheartedly that the drink we had when we first arrived back at his hotel was spiked, but I will never know for sure. My head was spinning and everything was a bit of a blur, no idea how long after but before I could even react He was on top of me. The music was really loud as he had put it on when we first got to the hotel, so my cousin couldn’t hear me calling out. She was also quite heavily intoxicated and later I found out she was dancing on the dance floor to the music he had put on. He asked me if I was screaming because I liked it or was he too big for me.

That month I missed my period. I knew my fianc√© was away so I couldn’t be pregnant to him. Oh god no please don’t let me pregnant to this man. But I was, I wanted to tear my stomach open and rip the baby out. I couldn’t get an abortion quick enough. That in itself was hard to deal with. The guilt I felt was horrific.

The trauma was too much to bear that in the end I told my fianc√©. He lost it and wanted to go kill this person. I pleaded with him to let it go and that I wasn’t going to prosecute as I blamed myself for being so drunk and going back with him. (My marriage only lasted 1 year, not because of my husband but because I could never find peace within myself.)

Those words he said to me as he was raping me never left my head. I blamed myself for years, I know I should never have gone back with him. But you can’t take things back. I made a bad choice and one I have to live with.

But after many years, and some therapy, I am no longer prepared to be a victim. He wouldn’t even remember who I was or care what he did to me. He more than likely doesn’t have any sleepless nights and he has probably told himself that I, and all the girls my cousin mentioned,¬†wanted him.

I have decided that he¬†cannot be allowed to¬†take my power away. I have forgiven myself and want anyone that has read this and has been through this themselves to know that I feel your pain, your sadness, your anger. But, no matter what the circumstances, rape is rape. You didn’t ask for it. Life will get better and you will find something that will make you happy again. It’s true the saying, you can forgive but never forget.

THE CRYING WILL STOP AND THE PAIN WILL LESSEN, BELIEVE IN YOURSELF FOR YOU ARE STRONG.

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