Have a great weekend!

Hello my fellow bloggers,

 

Hope you all have a relaxing and enjoyable weekend, just like these 2 fury friends. 🙂

Hugs from Sakura and me. Paula xxxx

Have a Great Weekend!

Hello fellow bloggers,

If there’s something I love more than anything…it’s Chocolate!!

So, if your having a bad day…Eat Chocolate!

And if you’ve put on weight? Then eat more chocolate and worry about it later!

Happy Weekend to you all.  🙂

Hugs Paula xxxxx

 

3 years ago on this day.

It was 3 years ago today that I attempted suicide.

I didn’t write about it last year as it still felt very real to me. Now 3 years on, and a lot of heartache and therapy, I can now let it go. Peace and forgiveness are now in my heart and I no longer need to be scared of this day.

It’s my nephews birthday today and it was this day that I felt was the last day to say goodbye to my whole family. The day felt long as I didn’t want to leave any of them as I knew in my mind what I was about to do. Inside my heart was broken and the bleeding of tears on the inside where too much for me to bare. I smiled laughed and joked with all of them. When I left I hugged them all and didn’t want to let them go. Part of me wanted to cry out beg them, plead for them to help me as I could slowly feel myself dying on the inside. But, I couldn’t do it.

The family the universe gave me are the best anyone could ask for. But, I lacked the courage to tell them I needed help and I didn’t think I could be saved anyway. So, when I closed my eyes that night and felt the tears streaming down my face, I thought of how much I loved my family and the pain I was about to put  my 2 adult sons through. My beautiful boys. “What have I done?” is all I could think of before I closed my eyes and went to sleep.

I opened my eyes on the 24th August saw a drip in my arm and thought I saw an angel. It was, it was my sister and she was crying. I told her I saw an angel and someone died. She cried and said, “you nearly died, why didn’t you talk to me because I love you and would have been so lost without you. You are my best friend and I love you so much”. She held my hand and we just cried. I spent one month in a psychiatric hospital, had 15 ECT’s to the brain. Slowly, through therapy, I decided I wanted to live. I just had to learn how to live without pain. They taught me to love me and learn to forgive those that had hurt me. I can’t help but have tears as I write this, but I need to let it out and say goodbye to this day. I no longer want it to have power over me as I want to live and I want others that feel like I did, to know that tomorrow really is another day.

Close your eyes and try to find peace within yourself and try again tomorrow. Never give up on you. Ask for help, plead, cry out… Whatever you have to do! But DON’T suffer in silence, because no one can hear your pain. Open your heart and let them in. If you die? So does a part of everyone that ever loved you.

So, tomorrow when I wake I will be in my bed and feel happy about where I am in my life right now. Peace is something we all have to find within ourselves and I think I’m almost there. We all need to keep moving forward and try not to look back.

My family hasn’t celebrated my nephews birthday since. I want this to change and hopefully we all celebrate it next year and every year thereafter.

I’m sorry if this post is a little draining, but I’ve said it and now its done and over.

So I say goodbye to this day, and I look forward to this day next year. Tomorrow really is another day… an even more beautiful one than today.

I love this song and it’s so appropriate right now

Have a great weekend, everyone!!

Love and hugs to you all. Paula xxxx

* this post was intended to post last night but there was a technical glitch.

Saying goodbye to my Llamas.

Hello Everyone,

I hope you all enjoyed your weekend! 

Mine was filled with a mixture of emotions. My brother-in-law found a home for my babies (my llamas) to move to. I spent Saturday with them because first thing Sunday morning they had to be loaded into the float for their trip to their new home. Margie was a mess and hates to be handled and she kicked up a fuss, so much so that Teco boy just strolled out of the stables nudged into me and cried out about what was happening to her. I hugged him and told him she was okay and kept cuddling him. This beautiful animal just stood by me and watched the fuss being made of her getting into the float. My boy just stayed there, leaning into me, wanting to know what was  happening. My heart sank so deep and I wanted to cry. Here I was hugging my boy for the last time and he didn’t know it was going to be the last time. He just loved and trusted me so much and just walked into the float as if he was going for a drive.

I knew separating from my husband was going to come with a whole lot of heartache, but I hadn’t prepared myself for the realities of it. Our home, Our farm, My babies! All gone. It hurts a lot deeper than I show anyone. The me inside is a mess trying to smile and act as if I have it all together, but I don’t!

I stayed in their new paddock for almost an hour. I didn’t want to go but I knew it wasn’t fair on them or the people I had given them to. Teco boy looked around with all the enthusiasm of a small child checking something out for the first time. He looked at me jumped in the air and was swinging his head with excitement. I felt like a proud mum watching her child being strong and brave on the first day at school. I smiled , looked at him and thought how lucky I have been to be loved by this beautiful animal. But, my Margie cried out continually and looked lost and scared. I tried really hard to reassure her, but I couldn’t. She wanted to go back home to her paddock. Oh god, it was so painful, you have no idea.

Today I will call and see how there first night went. I will visit a couple more times and then its best to leave them be. I hate this, but it’s the right thing to do by their new family and Margie and Teco boy.  They have to learn to adapt and if I keep coming they will want to come home with me. They were like children to me and I will miss them like crazy!

I had a 1 1/2 hour drive back to the city. Did I cry? Absolutely. I was happy for the new farm and people, but I felt like I had abandoned my children and it hurt badly.

So, I had my music blaring and tried to focus on the joy and happiness Margie and Teco brought me.   

Anyway, enough, before this grown woman sheds a tear again.

The photos are some I took at the farm on the weekend.

Hugs to you all….Paula xxx

Happy Friday!!!

Happy Friday everyone!!!

Feeling great lately. 😀
Hope you’re all having a fantastic weekend!
Let your hair hang down!!
My favourite weekend song

Have a good weekend!!

Hi everyone!!!

Hope you all have a fantastic weekend! 🙂
Hugs!!
-Paula. xxx

My Weekend

I went in to feed Daisy, Bushy, Crossy and Piggy this weekend and believe me it’s not an easy thing to do when they want their pellets. lol

They nearly bowled me over at one point. But they are ever so cute.

My beautiful boy Teco once again.

I’m not into harming any kind of animals or humans. This was just target practice with the shotgun. The only time it would be used would be to protect the animals and kill deadly snakes. Other than that, I hate guns, but they are a necessity to protect animals from predators.

This is the most wonderful Easter cupcakes anyone has made for me. My 6yr old niece and sister-in-law made them for me. Ohhhhh!!! I showed great self restraint… I shared with everyone and only ate one! lol

Hope you all had a wonderful Easter! hugs Paula xxxxx