I saw this on Facebook today and had to post it.
Much love to you all. Hugs Paula xxx
I saw this on Facebook today and had to post it.
Much love to you all. Hugs Paula xxx
I wrote a post earlier this year about my Step Father being diagnosed with Cancer.
He was so strong and determined to not let it beat him and he won the fight. His hair grew back and he could walk again without a walking stick because his balance had once again returned.
My mum and him went to the South of France for 5 weeks to get away and just relax after all the illness Ray had suffered earlier in the year. But on Thursday we lost this man, the man we all loved and admired so much.
My mum and step father only arrived back in Australia on Monday and by Tuesday he was taken by ambulance to hospital in excruciating pain. He had became unwell 2 weeks ago in Europe but was determined to stay and meet up with his family from the U.K.
So here was this man in excruciating pain and who could barely walk got on 3 planes to make it back to his home.
They did a scan on Tuesday which relieved the cancer had spread to his Lungs, Liver and Lymph Glands. He could barely breathe, it was terrible to see him in such pain and not be able to do anything.
So the Morphine gradually increased over 2 days and by the 3rd day (Thursday) his breathing slowed and he passed away peacefully. My mum is still in shock as they both believed it had gone. I like many of us would have loved to talk to him and ask how his holiday was and how he was feeling, but it wasn’t meant to be. Clearly he stayed strong till his feet hit the ground in Australia and he felt at ease being back home. The room was full of tears and people that loved him very much. He came conscious to tell us all to be brave and that he loved us all and thanked us for being there. The room was full of love and sadness at the same time.
When I was sick earlier this year and suicidal he told me we would make a deal, if he can beat the cancer then I too can fight the darkness that was engulfing me. He said we can live for each other. I would see him and he would cry and then I would cry but for 2 different reasons. He was fighting to live and I was fighting to find the will to live. When he died last Thursday I cried so much that my mum came from the hospital with my sister and stayed with me. I think I would have been pulled back into a dark cloud had they not come, so I’m really grateful for that. I think Ray was watching over us all. So Ray, I will keep fighting my darkness for you. You were strong when I was weak and I didn’t get to do the same for you, but I love you with all my heart and will miss you everyday. I can’t help but cry as I write this because I want you back, but I know I can’t. I hope that wherever you are, you are at peace. Tomorrow will be my last chance to kiss you goodbye, but you will forever be in my heart.
I already miss you so much. I love you. xxx
Hey world, how are you all? I have so missed you and your blogs.
Well, I came out of hospital like I said on the last post which was my birthday. I was relieved to be back home with my Sakura and my birds, Pippa and BJ.
I was allowed home on the condition I have maintenance ECT’s once a week. So I go into hospital every Wednesday, have the ECT on Thursday morning and come home mid-morning. At first I wanted the Doctor to stop them as I had enough, but the truth is I think I need to keep up with them. Why you say? Okay, I’ll tell you! Lol
You see when you have Bipolar, life can be darn right tricky and at times you can be fooled into thinking everything is okay… When really, it’s not. Admitting you have a problem isn’t an easy task, actually far from it. Someone like me, who likes to smile and joke around, finds it difficult to come out and say “I need help”. I tend to keep it hidden deep inside me and it takes all my strength to hold on and not let the negative thoughts take over my head.
I love everyone around me and I have a great support network of people who love me, but when you’re sliding into the darkness you try hard to not take them with you. In saying that, those around me want me to offload the burden onto them as they feel it will make life easier for me. As mush as I would love to do that, I still haven’t found the courage or the strength to reach out for help and take them into my darkness. There are times when I am alone and cry and ask God if he is real, please save me and let me have peace in my mind just like everyone else. I’m not religious as many of you know, but I’m a good person and feel if he is real he just might answer my prayer and one day make me free from this illness.
When I go into hospital my heart goes out to so many of the people there. We all take life and our health for granted, but what happens when our mental health goes haywire and we are left with this burden of trying to work out what life is all about and where we fit in the big picture of it all! I have a great life, filled with great friends and family, yet when darkness knocks at my door? I can try to ignore it but in the end I’m forced to answer it because the bell won’t stop ringing. So I let it in and then I’m forced to work it all out. Now at first it ignores me and stays swarming all around me, engulfing me in its darkness. But I want – and need – to live, so I have to look deep inside my soul to find the courage and strength to beat the darkness.
I stay away from dark coloured clothes as my Doctor says this is a good thing to do. I love black so I force myself into brighter colours when darkness looks like it could win. Some days it’s all so hard and I just want to sit down and say, No More! If it wasn’t for all the people I love so much I really would just give in. But NO!! I won’t and can’t let those that have loved me so dearly in life feel punished by my death. When we die a part of everyone that has loved us die as well, and that’s not fair.
There are many parts to Paula, and even though she fights the darkness, from time to time another part of her pushes her to keep going because happiness is there and soon it will engulf me and not the darkness. I will be free and happy and this is what keeps me going.
I appreciate every single one of you that has sent me well wishes, and your strength gives me courage to keep going. I am more than someone with Bipolar, I’m a mother to 2 beautiful sons (22 and 30) I’m a sister to 4 brothers and 1 sister, I’m an Aunt to 15 children, Mother Cat to my gorgeous Sakura and my 2 birds 🙂 I’m a friend to many beautiful and wonderful people. And I’m a girlfriend to an amazingly beautiful man who has stuck by my side through all this ugliness that took over my body and tried to claim my soul. It’s all of these reasons that I’m fighting so hard to keep on track. And I will succeed for I can’t have these people’s lives ruined because I wasn’t strong enough to fight the battle with in.
I felt as if I should share this side of me. This is a blog about Depression, right? I am making myself be honest about my thoughts and feelings, baring myself to you. No one likes talking about Depression, but it’s real and it’s engulfing and terribly ugly. Breathing is like hyperventilating and you wonder how you’ll get that next breath out. It’s cruel and lonely no matter how many people are on your side you feel alone.
To anyone out there suffering in silence, I embrace you and urge you to tell someone, don’t be alone and fight the battle with no one on your side. Reach out to anyone that you trust and ask for help. You’re not crazy because your suffering with Depression – or any other mental disorder… You have just hit a bump in this things we call life. Don’t isolate yourself for you are a wonderful human being that deserves to be here as much as anyone else. Saying you need help is not a weakness, it shows great courage. Don’t give in, for you are worth the fight. I may not know you but I know your pain and feel your sadness. Tomorrow really is another day, so hold on and reach out for help. You’re beautiful and I know that there must be people around you who would support you and be at your side in a flash if they knew that they could lose you. Be strong, and hold on to whatever makes you happy.
Before I go, I just wanted to tell you all that I miss reading all of your blogs. Please forgive me if I don’t get around to answering or reading all your posts. I will do my best, but like I said it’s not a great time for me so I can only do so much right now. I really wanted to just touch base with you all and let you know where my health is at. I will give it my best shot to check out as many blogs as I can. But I’m not sure how far I’ll get. Much love to you all and I’m so grateful to all of you that have stuck by me during this dark time in my life.
Many hugs to you all, Paula xxxxxx
Hey guys, hows things?
Well I have had 7 ECT’s (electro convulsive therapy) and am still in Perth Clinic.
I have 1 more ECT left which will be tomorrow, Wednesday the 19th March… MY BIRTHDAY!!
Not my favourite way to spend my birthday but I am becoming happy cheery me once again. I have cried so much I scared myself – I didn’t think that could be possible, but I did! Perth Clinic really is a terrific psychiatric hospital. It’s like being in a 5 star hotel – even the food is restaurant quality. The staff are all personable and approachable. It feels as if you are being counselled by a friend, that’s how beautifully trained they are. In fact, one of the nurses asked me if I have a blog, which of course I told her I do. She told me she reads this here blog and so to her I would like to say, HELLO!! Lol. You have given me some great training exercises. On top of all that, you have been so friendly and helpful and I thank you for the support and friendship you showed me during a really hard time of my life.
I am feeling better. One day at a time, but things are improving. There are a number of people that have provided unending support during these past few dark weeks, and I would like to take a few moments to acknowledge them…
A big thank you to my boyfriend. He could have left me during this hard time in my life, but he didn’t, he’s stayed by my side and for that I can truly say, I LOVE YOU! Before I felt alone for whatever the reason, but I no longer feel alone, I feel your presence. Thank you for loving me and staying by my side, I will never forget it. Your love will not be wasted on me as I love you more than words can say.
And my son, my beautiful handsome son, who has been by my side every single night. He’s a killer ladies, but I’m not allowed to show a photo of him. Lol His name is Kieran and I adore him and love him for the unconditional love he has shown me while I have been in hospital. He has been my pillar of strength and I will never forget the support he has provided. I really don’t think I would have made it if it wasn’t for him. And my sister, my gorgeous sister, I love you and thank you for your love and support in this last few weeks. This is not easy for my family to have gone through and for all their love and support I thank them immensely. They have been by my side all the way and I am so very grateful.
I am able to publish this post tonight but am unlikely to be able to respond to comments until after I am released tomorrow. On my birthday!
I have spend time at home over the last weekend. You are allowed home on weekends but this was the first time I had done so – I was too sick over the weekends before. You’re allowed home till 9pm each day on the weekend, and Kieran was lovely in assisting me in getting there and back. It felt good to be back in my home, and it was especially wonderful to spend time with my beloved Sakura.
So life will soon be back to normal for Paula. So to all of you and all of your well wishes??? I love you and embrace you for the love and support that you showed me during a very difficult time in my life. To anyone else that is still suffering? I hug you and say be kind to yourself, one day at a time. Be kind to yourself and know we are all here for you.
Much love to you all,
hugs and much much love, Paula xxxxxx
Hello family of bloggers,
Well, I said I would be back blogging – but unfortunately life hasn’t allowed it just yet.
My stepfather has been ill and it’s taken 7 weeks to finally be diagnosed with cancer. I have spent quite a bit of time going backwards and forwards to the hospital with my mother.
He finally starts radiation treatment in a couple of weeks. We never know what’s around the corner waiting for us, do we? I suppose we just have to be thankful for every day we have, and show those around us how much we love them. Don’t sweat the small things, and be grateful for all we have. If we have our health?? We have all we truly need.
My stepfather has fought cancer of the prostate before, and now he has it in his leg muscle. He can and will fight it – he’s a fighter. I lost my previous stepfather, the man who brought me up, a few months ago and I’m not about to lose another. To anyone out there that’s dealing with cancer (or any other serious illness) I hug you and wish well in your fight.
This man has been my light in many dark days and I love him dearly. He’s cried and I’ve cried but now he knows what he’s dealing with? He won’t let it get the better of him. He said that no matter what he’s going to be fine. He told me I need him and he needs me… Yep, I cried! But again, he’s determined to not let it beat him.
So, life will soon get back to some sort of normality as life has to go on. He went home yesterday and being in his own environment will be way better than sitting in a hospital bed. He can look outside at his little garden and the pretty flowers. I know he’s going to be fine as he has a great positive attitude.
Just letting you know what’s happening in my world and why blogging has taken a back seat yet again.
Miss all your blogs and will soon be back commenting.
Love and many hugs to you all, Paula xxxx
I could hear a motorbike sound and vaguely remember someone talking to me and pricking my finger, I fell again;back in to a deep sleep.
Someone was calling my name, I thought I saw an angel but when I finally opened my eyes right up, I realised it was my sister. I told her someone had died, she said nobody had died, Paula, you took an overdose and you’re in the hospital.
I couldn’t believe it, god no! I’m not suppose to be alive.
I cried so much and didn’t stop crying for days, what do I do now, how can I face everyone.
God what have I done, this can’t be happening, this isn’t what I planned.
I’ve never felt so alone and terrified in my life, I pleaded with my husband to take me home; I knew if they had read my suicide note, I wouldn’t be able to leave.
He told me I needed help and to be patient, that I was in the right place and would be getting all the help I needed to get better again. I even texted my sister and mother pleading to get me out of there, but they couldn’t.
This is not what I wanted; someone to get inside my head and work out why I tried to commit suicide. I was angry that my husband had called an ambulance and even angrier at myself for not getting it right.
So after lots more crying and having to open up to the hospital psychiatrist, the descision to admit me to physiciatric care was made, (or should I say forced upon me) either I admitted myself to Perth Clinic ( A private institute for people with psychological disorders ) or I would be taken to Greylands (public system).
Everything I had ever heard about Greylands made me scared to go there, so reluctantly; I was going to Perth Clinic.
The crying I did in the first few days was enough to last a lifetime, at the end of the day it wouldn’t have mattered where I went; Perth Clinic or Greylands, they both would have wanted me to tell the truth of what brought me to want to commit suicide.
For privacy reasons I won’t mention the name of my shrink, all I can say is they saved my life.
After telling him my story and what led me to where I was, it was decided that I would have to have an ECT. I had refused to eat for a few days, as I was punishing myself for living.
No matter how hard I tried to stop crying I couldn’t, so the best thing to help stop the crying and help the mending process, was to start with a series of ECT’s, along with some anti-depreassants.
Not too long after my first ECT the crying had calmed a little, but the good thing was that I could drink something. I became addicted to Milo, how strange is that!
If it wasn’t for Milo I would have been put on a drip (Go Milo) 🙂
I proceeded to live and nourish myself on Milo for the next month.
The sadness I had endured for years was all about to be revealed, I was there for 1 month, had 15 ECT’S and even more severe headaches from them.
But at the end of the day they saved me, and I know that to be the truth.
I had lots of therapy and oddly did lots of colouring in, actually it was really therapeutic.
My husband bought me flowers and the way I was feeling at the time I had no interest in them, but a few days later; I ws in bed crying again. When I looked up and saw the flowers on top of the T.V, I began to feel different about them; all of a sudden I liked the colour, the box they were in and the shapes. From that moment on, I was totally obsessed with flowers and wanting different colours! Pink was the main colour actually, I wanted anything that was pink, pink textas, pencils etc.
I have found solace in the colour pink, to this day; it calms me and brings me a happiness like no-other.
I now appreciate and enjoy the company of flowers.
“You don’t control depression, depression controls you”
These words echoed through my head, ringing like the bells of London; I couldn’t escape them, I could not escape this reality. I hate the shot, but wanting to be truthful.
This is what happens to a person that can’t admit they need help, I had been struggling internally for years, I was screaming on the inside for someone to see the real me; the sad, lost and confused me.
The little girl inside was crying non-stop, screaming for help, I would be in a room full of people; yet I felt completely alone.
I tried buying things that i thought would make me happy and doing things that i thought would make me happy, but nothing worked, it was all a temporary fix. What do you do when you’ve lost the will to live?
Trying to get by day to day and nobody know whats really going on in your head ,was difficult.
I started drinking heavily and uped my sleeping pills (Temazepam).
Sleep was my only escape!
I didn’t look like this; I smiled, I laughed and I joked.
I had learned from the age of 10 yrs old to hide my true feelings, then one day, 2 years ago in August, my son showed me a painting his friend had created, instantly I felt like someone had ripped my heart out and stripped through all the layers, and saw the real me.
I had been exposed!
When I was alone, I broke down crying; I wanted and needed to buy that painting, I became obsessed with it – it was me, and I was it, someone else could actually see little Paula crying inside.
I was finally free.
A great pressure had been lifted of me, even though I felt incredible sadness, I also felt incredible relief and I could breath again.
The artist had captured me, even though it wasn’t painted of me it didn’t matter, it was all the same.
I was already breaking, but somehow kept it all hidden until that painting.
My son was in the U.K, and I decided that now was the time to end my suffering.
I went onto My Heritage.com and put a family tree together for future generations, went to my doctor and increased the amount of sleeping pills I needed.
Sadly, it’s not hard to do once you’ve built up a trusting relationship with your doctor, a relationship built around lies.
I spent excessive amounts of time with my eldest son and his family.
I saw my family at a nephew’s birthday party, and it was there that I decided that was going to be my last goodbye.
I hugged them all, laughed, joked and listened intently to everything they had to say. I knew it would be the last time I would hear them all laugh and joke with me and I couldn’t get enough of them.
I wondered if anyone saw anything different about me that day, but nobody had said anything.
Okay its time, I drank 1/2 bottle of Bourbon, and took 75 Temazepam tablets.
My husband went to sleep unsuspecting, so I got up, wrote a suicide note to them all asking them to forgive me and letting them know how much I loved them and the pain I had endured.
I cried as I wrote the words and let them know that nobody could have prevented this.
My beautiful boys, what have I done, what am I about to do to your world.
I was lost, completely alone and nothing would have stopped this from happening.
If it wasn’t today it would just be another, I got into bed and closed me eyes.
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