3 years ago on this day.

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It was 3 years ago today that I attempted suicide.

I didn’t write about it last year as it still felt very real to me. Now 3 years on, and a lot of heartache and therapy, I can now let it go. Peace and forgiveness are now in my heart and I no longer need to be scared of this day.

It’s my nephews birthday today and it was this day that I felt was the last day to say goodbye to my whole family. The day felt long as I didn’t want to leave any of them as I knew in my mind what I was about to do. Inside my heart was broken and the bleeding of tears on the inside where too much for me to bare. I smiled laughed and joked with all of them. When I left I hugged them all and didn’t want to let them go. Part of me wanted to cry out beg them, plead for them to help me as I could slowly feel myself dying on the inside. But, I couldn’t do it.

The family the universe gave me are the best anyone could ask for. But, I lacked the courage to tell them I needed help and I didn’t think I could be saved anyway. So, when I closed my eyes that night and felt the tears streaming down my face, I thought of how much I loved my family and the pain I was about to put  my 2 adult sons through. My beautiful boys. “What have I done?” is all I could think of before I closed my eyes and went to sleep.

I opened my eyes on the 24th August saw a drip in my arm and thought I saw an angel. It was, it was my sister and she was crying. I told her I saw an angel and someone died. She cried and said, “you nearly died, why didn’t you talk to me because I love you and would have been so lost without you. You are my best friend and I love you so much”. She held my hand and we just cried. I spent one month in a psychiatric hospital, had 15 ECT’s to the brain. Slowly, through therapy, I decided I wanted to live. I just had to learn how to live without pain. They taught me to love me and learn to forgive those that had hurt me. I can’t help but have tears as I write this, but I need to let it out and say goodbye to this day. I no longer want it to have power over me as I want to live and I want others that feel like I did, to know that tomorrow really is another day.

Close your eyes and try to find peace within yourself and try again tomorrow. Never give up on you. Ask for help, plead, cry out… Whatever you have to do! But DON’T suffer in silence, because no one can hear your pain. Open your heart and let them in. If you die? So does a part of everyone that ever loved you.

So, tomorrow when I wake I will be in my bed and feel happy about where I am in my life right now. Peace is something we all have to find within ourselves and I think I’m almost there. We all need to keep moving forward and try not to look back.

My family hasn’t celebrated my nephews birthday since. I want this to change and hopefully we all celebrate it next year and every year thereafter.

I’m sorry if this post is a little draining, but I’ve said it and now its done and over.

So I say goodbye to this day, and I look forward to this day next year. Tomorrow really is another day… an even more beautiful one than today.

I love this song and it’s so appropriate right now

Have a great weekend, everyone!!

Love and hugs to you all. Paula xxxx

* this post was intended to post last night but there was a technical glitch.

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70 Comments

Filed under Fight Depression, My experiences, My treatments

70 responses to “3 years ago on this day.

  1. Maybe tomorrow you can plan an impromptu celebration for your nephew, and for you too, build new memories. Stronger ones.

    • I hear you and plan to do that. I’m off to see my Nephew today as I always celebrate it the following day. Next year I want the family to come together and celebrate on his actual birthday. I have always felt guilty for attempting such a thing on his birthday. It’s up to me now to make it right. I hug you and thank you for your comment. Paula xxxxx

  2. oh my god. You attempted suicide. I’m so sorry big sis. But there are many things to do. Just keep moving if you can afford. That would kill your depression awesomely. Keep you busy in social or physical activities. Best wishes and have an awesome weekend.

    • My sweet, little brother! 🙂

      Your right Nafees, I always have to keep myself busy. This way I don’t leave too much time for the brain to wander off into darkness. I want you to know that I’m really well, honestly. It was time for me to let go of that day. Doing something like that stays in your mind and then the moment the day gets closer… you start to tense up. And a feeling of dread overwhelms you. Sakura and I are sending you hugs. Big Sis xxxxx

  3. You are brave! I think that each life is an asset. And ironically, there are other people who care about preserving our lives more than we do ourselves do! (We probably care the least for our lives, I feel). 🙂

    Happy birthday to your nephew! Enjoy the day… 🙂

  4. i am so glad that you are still with us, the world would be so much less without you in it. peace, beth

  5. God Bless you. I am glad you shared this, who knows how many people you may have helped just by speaking about it. Peace to you.

  6. the term ‘rise and shine’ certainly applies to you missy – special memories will be made now – celebrating your nephews birthday and also the fact that you have remained, you did pull through and you are on the mend, with a much, much brighter future ahead of you {{Hugs}} xxx

    • Thanks, Mumsy!
      🙂
      Last year I couldn’t talk about it as I nearly was hospitalised again… as I slid backwards. You along with many of my followers and my psychiatrist helped me pull through. I have great friends and family in the real world. This cyber world is full of love hope and inspiration and this is why I love you all like my family! I went out …danced and I laughed and forgot the night. Today really is another day.
      Hugs to you and have a great weekend. Paula xxxxx

  7. Paula dear, we may be worlds apart, I can feel and empathize with you since we journeyed a similar path. I am sending you my warmest and brightest wish for more days to come and a joyful celebration for tomorrow is already today in your world. Have a grand celebration with nephew and family. Love and Prayers always, Perpetua.

    • Thank you Perpetua, and for understanding where I’ve come from.
      🙂
      Life is full of ups and downs, in’s and outs..etc etc I’ve come along way in the last 3 years and I’m very grateful to all the people that helped me get there. You know I’m not religious, but when I broke down and my world fell apart…that’s when I believed truly in our souls. Mine was gone and I didn’t even know it until it was too late. Now I try to nurture it. And the fact that I lived…just maybe your god was watching over me.
      Have a great weekend. Hugs Paula xxxxxx

  8. Howisbradley

    I believe your story is an inspiration to more people than you can imagine. I’m glad you’re still with us.

    • Hello Bradley,
      🙂
      Thank you. I’m now glad I’m here too. I just didn’t want my story to pull anyone down. But, It was time to release the day once and for all.
      I hope your having a great weekend. Hugs Paula xxxx

  9. I applaud you for you in doing this. I know it took a lot of courage to post this.

    I hope that you can continue going forward

  10. I am glad you have a supportive family, May you make many memorable moments on that day in the following years.Have a great weekend ahead
    ~Hugs~

    • Thank you so much. I really plan to do this not just for me …but for my nephew. He needs this day to be special, not dreaded. You also enjoy the rest of your weekend. Hugs back at you! Paula xxxxxx

  11. Oh Paula, I am so sorry this happened to you. And so happy you pulled through and are alive. You are such a blessing, a very sweet person, I wish nothing but happiness for you! xoxo

    • Thank you, Maryanne.

      I realised yesterday that it’s just another day and to not allow it hold me back anymore. I’ve grieved this day for too long already, it’s time to let it go. Thanks again as your part of the cyber family that helped me along the way. I have great friends and family, but WordPress has been a godsend. Hugs to you and Billy cat. Paula xxxx

  12. My dearest Paula…I am so sorry for your pain…I didn’t know…thank you for sharing that, I am certain it wasn’t easy. I am proud of you that you managed to overcome this, you are lucky to have such a great sister. I know I would be lost without mine. I am glad I ‘met’ you here and I hope someday I will be able to meet you in person. Lots of love xxx & a gigantic Greek hug!

    • I remember how much you love your sister too. 🙂
      To meet you someday would be wonderful. I never say never and I haven’t been to Greece. So, who knows maybe one day I will!
      Love and hugs back to you for the lovely things you just wrote. Paula xxxx

  13. Some of us know your story … for some it will come as a shock to them.

    You have come a long way Paula … and the journey continues. But tis now the journey of life *smiles*

    I am glad to have gotten to know you. Your words help not just yourself, but others as well.

    • Hello my dearest, Ketiekins!
      🙂
      You know me well and I thank you for the things you just wrote. There hasn’t been a day go by that you haven’t been in my thoughts. I’m glad Michael is with you and I love you. You are brave and a fighter. Take care of you, Katiekins. Hugs to you. Paula xxxxxoooo

  14. I am glad that you are still here with us Paula and by sharing this you’ve proved that you are a brave person now. That anyone is capable of making a new start. Kudos to you…. love n hugs.. 🙂

    • I appreciate that, I really do! 🙂
      Hitting the lowest of lows teaches us a lot about ourselves. The good the bad and the ugly. It’s what we choose to do with that information and where we go from there. I want to keep climbing and not look down.
      Huge hugs to you. Thank you, Paula xxxxx

  15. shejustwantedlove

    I’m so glad you are still here dear. It’s amazing how far you’ve come. You are truly the strongest person i’ve ever met. You’ve given hope to to people who are still lost. Have a lovely day and year darling!
    xox bea

    • Hey Bea,
      You are a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. Beautiful talented you. 🙂 There is always hope, Bea. And I for one wish and hope that one day you feel the love you have craved. It will happen, baby girl. Go you for passing your exam. Hugs Paula xxxx

  16. Dear Paula, I read all the article and all the comments! I am very impressed with your sincere text. You are very unique person and strong enough to overcome difficulties. I am proud that there live people like you on this planet, who can change themselves and thereby change the world… make it a more lightful place….

    Warmly and with best wishes for your life, your future, your family,
    Arlen

    • Hello Arlen,
      Where do I begin? 🙂 First I’m hugging you for what you have said about me. Second, I’ve grown to love our planet and appreciate the life and time I’ve been given to spend here. It’s up to me what I make and do with that time. In the end death comes to us all..it’s about the now and the living. That light you talk about…I can see it. Enjoy the rest of your weekend. Hugs to you. Paula xxxxxoo

  17. I am so glad you found your peace. I know that it must not have been an easy road to get there. 🙂

    ivonne

    • Afternoon from OZ, Ivonne!
      🙂
      I know that you also have battled life like me. You are strong woman and I love that about you. love and hugs for all your babies to get better. My baby (Sakura) is on my knee watching me type. She rarely leaves me alone when I’m home. Lol Hugs to you. Paula xxxxxx

  18. This made me cry a little. I’m so thankful that you woke up the next day, and that you got treatment, and that you’re life is looking up for you now.
    It must have been hard for you to write this post, but you did it, and finally you can put this behind you!

    • I really appreciate your kind wishes. It really was hard to write, but I’m glad its done and I can now move forward. Also looking forward to my family moving forward and not letting this day keep them all silent. I’m sorry I upset you…I know it was a little draining to read. I hug you and thank you for your concern. Hugs Paula xxx

      • I’m sure it was hard, but as you say, it will be easier moving forwards from here on.
        And hey, you didn’t upset me, or so much make me sad, because you woke up, but it’s just .. an emotional thing. I think this post was more of hope, than despair.

      • I’m sure it was hard, but as you say, it will be easier moving forwards from here on.
        And hey, you didn’t upset me, or so much make me sad, because you woke up, but it’s just .. an emotional thing. I think this post was more of hope, than despair.

  19. Pingback: Archive of Comments | Arlen Shahverdyan. Author's Blog

  20. Paula, you are so beautiful to share this with us so that we may be reminded to reach out if we are ever at the very bottom. Your family is so fortunate that you have lived and recovered. The love you share with your sons and grandchildren could never have been replaced by anyone else.

    Blessings ~ Wendy xo

    • Hey Wendy- Lee.

      It was so hard on my sons. At the time one was 26 and my baby was 18. The youngest was in the U.K and flew home as soon as he was told. Even though I didn’t die that day…apart of me had already died. If I had been brave enough I would have asked for help…but the pain and despair I felt…overwhelmed me. I was drowning on the inside and didn’t know how to come up for air.
      I just want people to know that it is hard…but they can fight it and pull through…if they just reach out for help. I feel incredible sadness when I think of how many sad and lonely people are out there! Just doesn’t seem fair or right. Thank you for what you said about my sons and grandsons. Its 1.50am…I so need to go to sleep. Lol love and hugs. Paula xxx

  21. melanie

    Paula, you’re a very brave lady! Attempting suicide is always a cry=a scream for attention, for help… and you’ve been helped out ever since by your close ones and friends… putting this down on your blog is pure and useful self-therapy, and free! 🙂 Life is hard to bear sometimes, but you’ll make it… I’m pretty sure you’ve been much stronger and you’ll never worry your loved ones again! Good luck and take care, please! Deal? 🙂

    • Hello Melanie.
      The hospital allowed me to spend 2 hours having a picnic in a park …with my family.
      I will never forget that day and looks on my families faces. Everyone was trying to smile and make normal conversation, but they kept looking down and I could see the questions and pain they where feeling.

      My son could barely talk and just sat by me …holding my hand. Actually I best not talk about it or I’ll cry. 🙂
      So…No! This will never happen again. I have great supporting family and friends. Ive learned that asking for help? Isn’t a weakness. Many hugs to you. Paula xxx

  22. Paula, I’m so glad you are still with us. I hope you never feel such pain and hopelessness again. It’s a hard battle, won, only by living each day as it comes.

    Rod Stewart is my favorite, by the way. I’ve seen him in concert 5 times!

  23. Never look back and keep moving forward with full force, determination and courage.

    Sending you lots of love, laughter and peace.

    Happy living!

  24. I’m so happy that you made it through this awful time, and that your family has been there for you. I hope you’re in a much more positive place right now. Hugs and love to you. xx

    • Thank you, Sylvia.
      I’m grateful to my family also. And to wonderful psychiatrist that I have. He gave me the strength and courage to believe in myself and told me I had climbed mountains in my lifetime and had survived. This was just another climb. I am feeling a great deal better and I thank you. Love to you, Sylvia. Paula xxxx

  25. i am so glad you are sharing your story and that you survived to tell it. Anniversary’s of trauma are very difficult. Dending you peace, love and light.
    Becki

    • Hi Becki, sorry for the late reply. Somehow missed this comment. 🙂
      I thank you for the peace,love and light. We can all use some, so I send it back to you, with love. Hugs Paula xxxxx

  26. June

    Aaw, this is heartwarming Paula. I feel you. Oh well, I always do. I’ve always admired your courage to highlight your twilight to be our light. It might be late for me to say this now but let’s celebrate this date as your/our day of redemption. Let’s do a virtual High Five for that! 😉

    • Juney, my baby!
      Never late to celebrate life. 🙂
      I’m right with you on the high five!! I like that…our day! Its a hard road isn’t it? But those of us that have travelled and crashed along the way? Somehow we made it. 🙂

      Sending you virtual hugs. And keep safe you! Hugs Paula xxxx

  27. Yes – ‘Never give up on you’! (◕‿◕)

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