Tag Archives: therapy

3 years ago on this day.

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It was 3 years ago today that I attempted suicide.

I didn’t write about it last year as it still felt very real to me. Now 3 years on, and a lot of heartache and therapy, I can now let it go. Peace and forgiveness are now in my heart and I no longer need to be scared of this day.

It’s my nephews birthday today and it was this day that I felt was the last day to say goodbye to my whole family. The day felt long as I didn’t want to leave any of them as I knew in my mind what I was about to do. Inside my heart was broken and the bleeding of tears on the inside where too much for me to bare. I smiled laughed and joked with all of them. When I left I hugged them all and didn’t want to let them go. Part of me wanted to cry out beg them, plead for them to help me as I could slowly feel myself dying on the inside. But, I couldn’t do it.

The family the universe gave me are the best anyone could ask for. But, I lacked the courage to tell them I needed help and I didn’t think I could be saved anyway. So, when I closed my eyes that night and felt the tears streaming down my face, I thought of how much I loved my family and the pain I was about to put  my 2 adult sons through. My beautiful boys. “What have I done?” is all I could think of before I closed my eyes and went to sleep.

I opened my eyes on the 24th August saw a drip in my arm and thought I saw an angel. It was, it was my sister and she was crying. I told her I saw an angel and someone died. She cried and said, “you nearly died, why didn’t you talk to me because I love you and would have been so lost without you. You are my best friend and I love you so much”. She held my hand and we just cried. I spent one month in a psychiatric hospital, had 15 ECT’s to the brain. Slowly, through therapy, I decided I wanted to live. I just had to learn how to live without pain. They taught me to love me and learn to forgive those that had hurt me. I can’t help but have tears as I write this, but I need to let it out and say goodbye to this day. I no longer want it to have power over me as I want to live and I want others that feel like I did, to know that tomorrow really is another day.

Close your eyes and try to find peace within yourself and try again tomorrow. Never give up on you. Ask for help, plead, cry out… Whatever you have to do! But DON’T suffer in silence, because no one can hear your pain. Open your heart and let them in. If you die? So does a part of everyone that ever loved you.

So, tomorrow when I wake I will be in my bed and feel happy about where I am in my life right now. Peace is something we all have to find within ourselves and I think I’m almost there. We all need to keep moving forward and try not to look back.

My family hasn’t celebrated my nephews birthday since. I want this to change and hopefully we all celebrate it next year and every year thereafter.

I’m sorry if this post is a little draining, but I’ve said it and now its done and over.

So I say goodbye to this day, and I look forward to this day next year. Tomorrow really is another day… an even more beautiful one than today.

I love this song and it’s so appropriate right now

Have a great weekend, everyone!!

Love and hugs to you all. Paula xxxx

* this post was intended to post last night but there was a technical glitch.

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Filed under Fight Depression, My experiences, My treatments

Depression Exists

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Depression Exists:

Tonight, I write this for others that are suffering with Depression right now.
Especially our teenagers!

Growing up as a “normal” child wasn’t easy for me. Those who have been sexually abused will understand exactly what I’m talking about. You lay in bed and cry and wonder if anyone cares or even sees you. You pray to God to help you die and take you away from the hell you’re living in.  But that doesn’t happen – you wake and the same thing happens again and again. You stop believing or caring about God. If he was really listening this would all go away, but it doesn’t! So you no longer believe in anything, or feel safe anywhere.

You can’t think or act normally (whatever that is, anyway). Nothing in your life is like the typical girl or boy next door just hanging out with your friends and family.

You’re broken and feel different, weird, lost, confused, sad, angry and every other negative emotion your body can think of. To those around, you you are annoying and difficult and cause problems to the rest of the family. Yet no one knows your pain or can hear you crying out loud in your mind, screaming for it all to stop.  Who will understand? Who will believe me? Who will care?
Well, plenty of people care. And that’s what I want to say to you.

Don’t lay there in silence crying inside, or walk around feeling like some kind of freak, or think  you’re different and no one gets you. Maybe they do think you’re different and a little odd, but they can’t hear you and know that you are in pain unless you reach out for help.

So many people care… More than we realise! Okay, trust.. Right?? I know this is the hard part. Those that you should have been safe with and trusted are the very people hurting you.

I thought asking for help was a weakness and therapy was never going to happen. How could I tell someone the horrors that live in my head, and about the pain I had endured in silence for years. Where would I even start. Would my family still love me?

They did, of course. They felt my sadness as if it was their own. They rallied behind me like knights in shining armour! We came away from the side of the family that hurt me and the healing began. Therapy does and will help, I promise you that!  But the first step is being able to ask for it. Life as a teenager can be tough enough without any form of abuse whether that be mental or physical abuse. They are as bad as each other, never think differently!!

You deserve to be loved and feel loved, never ever forget this. You are beautiful, strong and courageous and don’t let anyone make you feel less. Broken things can be fixed. And when they are fixed with professional care… They once again look beautiful and complete. Life is strange and sometimes hard to understand, but one day this will all be gone along with those that have hurt you!

YOU  WILL  FIND LOVE AND HAPPINESS AGAIN.

We forgive… But never forget. Why?? Because it’s our souls way of protecting us from never allowing this to happen to us again.

Go to a friend a teacher, anyone you feel you can trust. Don’t suffer in silence!! Someone in life is waiting for you to grow up and to love you unconditionally. Don’t let them down, they need you as much as you need them. I believe in soul mates. I think there is one out there for you.

Remember you are beautiful. Whatever you are suffering, let someone in and learn to dance and smile again!

I hug you and want you to know you are not alone!  Live for all the beauty that is waiting for you!

Learn to trust again!!!

Hugs to you all…Paula xxxx

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Filed under Fight Depression, My experiences