My New Clowns!

Evening from Oz, Everyone! 🙂

 

Those of you that have followed me for some time now, would know I’m a clown collector.  

I’ve collected clowns for 18 years now and every-time I find something that takes my eye? It’s as if it’s my first purchase! I’m like a kid in a candy store and love every single clown I’ve collected. 

No way can I pick a favourite as they are all my favourite!  Hahaha 

I suppose suffering with Depression they filled me with colour and happiness! Walking into the room makes me happy! 

I had to share them with you. Sorry for those of you who  suffer,

Coulrophobia: The fear of Clowns

 

 

 

 

They are each about 20 inches high.

 

 

 

 

Look at those faces, how can someone not like clowns? 🙂 

 

 

Wishing you all a great week! Hugs to you all. Paula xxxxx

GoodBye

 

I wrote a post earlier this year about my Step Father being diagnosed with Cancer.

He was so strong and determined to not let it beat him and he won the fight. His hair grew back and he could walk again without a walking stick because his balance had once again returned.

My mum and him went to the South of France for 5 weeks to get away and just relax after all the illness Ray had suffered earlier in the year. But on Thursday we lost this man, the man we all loved and admired so much.

My mum and step father only arrived back in Australia on Monday and by Tuesday he was taken by ambulance to hospital in excruciating pain. He had became unwell 2 weeks ago in Europe but was determined to stay and meet up with his family from the U.K.

So here was this man in excruciating pain and who could barely walk got on 3 planes to make it back to his home.

They did a scan on Tuesday which relieved the cancer had spread to his Lungs, Liver and Lymph Glands. He could barely breathe, it was terrible to see him in such pain and not be able to do anything.

So the Morphine gradually increased over 2 days and by the 3rd day (Thursday) his breathing slowed and he passed away peacefully. My mum is still in shock as they both believed it had gone. I like many of us would have loved to talk to him and ask how his holiday was and how he was feeling, but it wasn’t meant to be. Clearly he stayed strong till his feet hit the ground in Australia and he felt at ease being back home.  The room was full of tears and people that loved him very much. He came conscious to tell us all to be brave and that he loved us all and thanked us for being there. The room was full of love and sadness at the same time.

When I was sick earlier this year and suicidal he told me we would make a deal, if he can beat the cancer then I too can fight the darkness that was engulfing me. He said we can live for each other. I would see him and he would cry and then I would cry but for 2 different reasons. He was fighting to live and I was fighting to find the will to live. When he died last Thursday I cried so much that my mum came from the hospital with my sister and stayed with me. I think I would have been pulled back into a dark cloud had they not come, so I’m really grateful for that. I think Ray was watching over us all. So Ray, I will keep fighting my darkness for you. You were strong when I was weak and I didn’t get to do the same for you, but I love you with all my heart and will miss you everyday. I can’t help but cry as I write this because I want you back, but I know I can’t. I hope that wherever you are, you are at peace. Tomorrow will be my last chance to kiss you goodbye, but you will forever be in my heart.

I already miss you so much.  I love you. xxx

Health Update

Hey world, how are you all? I have so missed you and your blogs.

Well, I came out of hospital like I said on the last post which was my birthday. I was relieved to be back home with my Sakura and my birds, Pippa and BJ.

I was allowed home on the condition I have maintenance ECT’s once  a week. So I go into hospital every Wednesday, have the ECT on Thursday morning and come home mid-morning. At first I wanted the Doctor to stop them as I had enough, but the truth is I think I need to keep up with them. Why you say? Okay, I’ll tell you! Lol

You see when you have Bipolar, life can be darn right tricky and at times you can be fooled into thinking everything is okay… When really, it’s not. Admitting you have a problem isn’t an easy task, actually far from it. Someone like me, who likes to smile and joke around, finds it difficult to come out and say “I need help”. I tend to keep it hidden deep inside me and it takes all my strength to hold on and not let the negative thoughts take over my head.

I love everyone around me and I have a great support network of people who love me,  but when you’re sliding into the darkness you try hard to not take them with you. In saying that, those around me want me to offload the burden onto them as they feel it will make life easier for me. As mush as I would love to do that, I still haven’t found the courage or the strength to reach out for help and take them into my darkness. There are times when I am alone and cry and ask God if he is real, please save me and let me have peace in my mind just like everyone else. I’m not religious as many of you know, but I’m a good person and feel if he is real he just might answer my prayer and one day make me free from this illness.

When I go into hospital my heart goes out to so many of the people there. We all take life and our health for granted, but what happens when our mental health goes haywire and we are left with this burden of trying to work out what life is all about and where we fit in the big picture of it all! I have a great life, filled with great friends and family, yet when darkness knocks at my door? I can try to ignore it but in the end I’m forced to answer it because the bell won’t stop ringing. So I let it in and then I’m forced to work it all out. Now at first it ignores me and stays swarming all around me, engulfing me in its darkness. But I want – and need – to live, so I have to look deep inside my soul to find the courage and strength to beat the darkness.

I stay away from dark coloured clothes as my Doctor says this is a good thing to do. I love black so I force myself into brighter colours when darkness looks like it could win. Some days it’s all so hard and I just want to sit down and say, No More! If it wasn’t for all the people I love so much I really would just give in. But NO!! I won’t and can’t let those that have loved me so dearly in life feel punished by my death. When we die a part of everyone that has loved us die as well, and that’s not fair.

There are many parts to Paula, and even though she fights the darkness, from time to time another part of her pushes her to keep going because happiness is there and soon it will engulf me and not the darkness. I will be free and happy and this is what keeps me going.

I appreciate every single one of you that has sent me well wishes, and your strength gives me courage to keep going. I am more than someone with Bipolar, I’m a mother to 2 beautiful sons (22 and 30) I’m a sister to 4 brothers and 1 sister, I’m an Aunt to 15 children, Mother Cat to my gorgeous Sakura and my 2 birds 🙂 I’m a friend to many beautiful and wonderful people. And I’m a girlfriend to an amazingly beautiful  man who has stuck by my side through all this ugliness that took over my body and tried to claim my soul. It’s all of these reasons that I’m fighting so hard to keep on track. And I will succeed for I can’t have these people’s lives ruined because I wasn’t strong enough to fight the battle with in.

I felt as if I should share this side of me. This is a blog about Depression, right? I am making myself be honest about my thoughts and feelings, baring myself to you. No one likes talking about Depression, but it’s real and it’s engulfing and terribly ugly. Breathing is like hyperventilating and you wonder how you’ll get that next breath out. It’s cruel and lonely no matter how many people are on your side you feel alone.

To anyone out there suffering in silence, I embrace you and urge you to tell someone, don’t be alone and fight the battle with no one on your side. Reach out to anyone that you trust and ask for help. You’re not crazy because your suffering with Depression – or any other mental disorder… You have just hit a bump in this things we call life. Don’t isolate yourself for you are a wonderful human being that deserves to be here as much as anyone else. Saying you need help is not a weakness, it shows great courage. Don’t give in, for you are worth the fight. I may not know you but I know your pain and feel your sadness. Tomorrow really is another day, so hold on and reach out for help. You’re beautiful and I know that there must be people around you who would support you and be at your side in a flash if they knew that they could lose you. Be strong, and hold on to whatever makes you happy.

Before I go, I just wanted to tell you all that I miss reading all of your blogs. Please forgive me if I don’t get around to answering or reading all your posts. I will do my best, but like I said it’s not a great time for me so I can only do so much right now. I really wanted to just touch base with you all and let you know where my health is at. I will give it my best shot to check out as many blogs as I can. But I’m not sure how far I’ll get. Much love to you all and I’m so grateful to all of you that have stuck by me during this dark time in my life.

Many hugs to you all, Paula xxxxxx

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Getting Help

Hello my lovely bloggers,

Yep, I’ve been away from my blog way too much lately and was hoping to be back blogging this week.

Well, I am back – but not in a way I thought I would be. I went to see my psychiatrist today and we made the decision to admit me into hospital tomorrow morning (being yesterday, now). It’s not where I want to be but I have to be honest to my readers and to myself. And the truth is I just can’t make it alone right now. I kind of need a breather from life and need to get my head back down to earth and out of the hell it’s taking me into. I adore my sons, family, friends and the blogging community and this is the right course of action for me to be healthy. I’ve said it many times before that Bipolar is a tricky thing to live with, and sometimes there are things inside me that even I don’t understand why I’m feeling a certain way… I just am! There is a lot happening in my personal life and I suppose this doesn’t help the situation. I know life isn’t easy and there will always be good and bad days but this is different, this is the the time when you go “barleese! I can’t do this alone anymore I need help!”.  My doctor will play around with my medications to try and balance life out for me and I’m hopeful this will be just a few days.

Suicide is not the answer or an option so therefore I’m being responsible and getting the help I need. Perth Clinic is a lovely private psychiatric hospital and I’m fortunate that my ex-husband is still covering my health care otherwise the alternative would have been horrific for me. Our public psych hospital is definately not for the faint hearted.

Anyway, I shall be back as soon as life and Paula become one again. I urge anyone suffering in silence to seek professional help. It’s not a sign of weakness it’s a sign of courage to keep fighting the battle of the darkness to once again see and love the light.

To anyone suffering with deep Depression? Know that it is real and it DOES EXIST no matter what anyone tells you!! Seek help, reach out, shout, hell scream if you have to until someone listens to how your feeling. It’s real, it’s painful, it’s crushing, it’s lonely and believe me it’s like living in a hell. But don’t ever let it beat you!! Don’t say you don’t want to wake up tomorrow. Say you need to wake up tomorrow but need someone to stay close by you till tomorrow comes…  you can make it but not alone and not in silence! I urge you to just reach out.

Don’t isolate yourself it’s the worst thing to do. Just hang on until tomorrow and then try again. Trust me the people that truly love you will never give up on you or leave you alone if they know what’s really going on in that mind of yours. DON’T SUFFER IN SILENCE.

And most of all?  know that you are loved by more people than you would ever know or realise. Get through today and see what tomorrow brings, it’s not easy but you can do it. Take care of you and know that there are people out here that care for you and haven’t even met you, but they know and understand your pain!

Many hugs to you all, Paula xxxx

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What a Year!

Hey, how’s life treating you all??

Wow, I’ve kind of neglected my blog lately and have been feeling really bad about that, SORRY!!! 🙂

I’ve had good days and bad days, rainbow days and every other kind of day you can think of. Some days I felt that if I wrote I would pull the world down with me, and other days I would have lifted you as high as the sky. I guess the benefits and downfalls of being Bipolar, right??    Lol

Can you believe another year has almost past us by again. Sometimes life just flows and you float along with it; other days, they pass so quickly you nearly miss them. This year has been an enormous rollercoaster ride of emotions for me. Depression – eat your heart out!! Lol You thought you could beat me but I beat you this time. If I was going to fall apart like I did a few years ago? Then this was the year it should have happened.

I separated from my husband, which was one of the hardest decisions I’ve had to make. I left my home and farm and my beloved llamas (Teco and Margie). My son and his wife separated. I went to Melbourne for a funeral. My step dad is fighting cancer and someone dear to me wanted to commit suicide and it all tore me apart. I’ve been on the Queen Mary around New Zealand, and spent 5 weeks in the U.K. I’ve been to Victoria and Tasmania and seen nature at it’s best in Oz. I’ve cried and sat down on my kitchen floor and wondered how I would make it to the next day. I’ve asked the universe to give me strength and to help me get to the next day, without wanting to give in.  And I’ve pleaded with myself to have courage to fight the darkness that at times overwhelms me. So, this is the year I should have fallen apart… But I didn’t!

How did I make it? Well, I met someone that gave me the strength to believe in me and loved me for me, all of me the good and the bad. Who knows what will become of it but I believe everything happens for a reason and I needed this person to get me where I am right now and for that I am truly grateful. People come and go from our lives and touch us in many ways.  Sometimes they are hurtful ways, and sometimes they are so beautiful and you wonder how you lived without them. But I think the most important thing is to learn something from all of them. Life is full of experiences, good and bad. We have to breath in the good and exhale the bad until it controls us no more. I feel optimistic about the future and am looking forward to 2014.

I went to the beach recently and looked at the ocean and thought how calm and peaceful it looked. Yet I know there are days that nature thrashes against the shore and you get blown away. But the next day it’s all peaceful and beautiful again. I think this is what life is like. There will always be good and bad days and people who want to drag you down with them. But we need to stay grounded amidst the storms and not let other people’s disharmony pull us down. Those that don’t support you don’t deserve you in their lives.

Stand tall and proud and embrace your joy with those whom love and support you! Release the others with love and let them be on there way as they serve you no good.

So, as I sit here at my desk and write this, I thank the universe for giving me two sons that I adore. They are one of the main reasons I have for waking every single day. They have grown in to such beautiful young men and I feel that they make my world worthwhile. I see how they love their girlfriends and how happy they make them. As a mother, this makes my heart sing! To see your children in pain is crushing, but when they are smiling laughing and telling jokes? Ahhh it’s so precious and you can’t help but smile and be in awe of them.

I saw a man recently begging for money. He said he had no power, food etc. I stopped and talked to him and gave him some money. I don’t care if he was not telling the truth. Why? because no one does that if they are happy and living an okay life. Only people that feel as if it’s there only option turn to begging. If that’s their only source of income then I believe I should help in any way I can. I’m not saying everyone else should, I’m just saying that’s how I feel about it.

So to me this is a good year – yes things have been hard, but I’m not on the streets having to beg and wonder where my next meal is coming from.  At this time of year, people in less fortunate positions deserve so much compassion.  Those alone that have nothing, No family friends or anyone to turn to for comfort.

So Paula hugs you all, and I hope that you too have found a peace in yourself and can let the past be the past, and start to look forward to a much brighter and happier 2014!

You, the blogging family/community, have helped me get through this year in more ways than one. You have allowed me to express my feelings and throw them into cyberspace where I have had nothing but full support throughout the year. You are all truly amazingly beautiful people and I adore each one of you. After blogging for sometime now you start to get little images of what you think your regular followers look like etc. So Yes, i’m talking to you and you and you and you! Yes You!! Lol  I can’t help but laugh as Sakura just looked at me as if I’m crazy! 🙂

I have images of all of you and they are all good images of great people I admire and respect, and I enjoy getting to know you all through your blogs and mine. You truly are like a little extended family to me. From all races and walks of life we all come together as one, and this is the magic of our WordPress family! I am more open here with you than I am to those around me in the real world. I say thank goodness for WordPress and it’s co- founders. 🙂

What have I learnt this year? Well, we can’t ever change the past but we can seek out the future happiness we all so desire and deserve.

I thank every single one of you that have come to my site and touched my heart with your kindness. You have picked me up, when even I didn’t know how I would get there. You are all incredibly beautiful people who have been generous with your love and support and I hug all of you for it! 🙂

Next year I plan to share a lot more of my life through photos, video posts and basically let you into all the mundane things life has to offer along with all the great things. Hell, I’ll even tell you what coffee I drink, as long as you tell me what your is?? Lol

Love to you all, Paula xxxxx

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Depression Exists

Depression exists, but why?

I ask myself this question over and over again, everytime I fall into darkness.

Today I fell apart after talking to my stepfather.
One thing lead to another and before I could even catch myself, I had started to fall. It’s kind of like seeing yourself in slow motion but not being able to do anything about it.
Just when I think I’m happy and strong, something always blind-sights me and knocks me down.

Not only is my stepfather in a bad way, but someone I love more than life itself is also deeply hurt and suffering right now.
I can’t say who out of respect for this person, but I have to be strong as he needs me more than ever right now. Holding your own pain inside whilst helping someone else with theirs can be so hard, but this isn’t about me. This is about being strong for someone who loves me deeply and needs me to stay the course, so I have to hide how I’m feeling and sometimes it’s so hard to do. When you love someone the way I love this person, it cuts to the very core of your being when they are drowning in their own sorrow and there’s not a lot you can do. So, what will I do?
I will listen and listen intently and be there night and day for them. If I could cut myself and bleed away their pain? I would, but life isn’t like that. We all have our own paths and journey to take and mine is to love that person and show them that I care and will always be there, no matter what!

I have to take a deep breath and hide my own pain in this situation, but it’s really hard this time!

Why?

Because smiling doesn’t help when your crying on the inside AND outside there’s nothing left to give, you feel broken. Life IS beautiful and I know better than to let my past control me, but sometimes I just can’t control my thoughts; especially when certain situations arise and take me back to them.
Darkness and negativity are strong and at the time the light just isn’t in your reach. You reach for it only to be pulled back down drowning in your own thoughts.

Depression is real but I know that happiness is too, but sometimes it eludes me and I feel alone. I know I’m not but at the time its very cold and lonely, especially when you can’t talk about it. I wear my heart on my sleeve but the deep dark thoughts are just that…Deep!

Loneliness isn’t always about having no one in your life, because I have many that love me and I’m grateful for all their love. Since I was little girl, abused and then raped at 20 I’ve struggled with an internal loneliness. I can be in a group of people smiling and joking but inside I’m distant and wanting to hide from everyone.
It is like wanting to be in a bubble that no one can penetrate or hurt you.

Sakura (my cat) as many of you will already know has stayed close by me and hugged into me. Even now she’s on my lap as I’m typing.
She gives me unconditional love and I would be lost without her, having an animal around you when you get depressed is very soothing and comforting.

Depression isn’t a sign of weakness, I think you’ve just fallen off lifes tracks and need to get back on. Kind of like falling off a horse and having to get back up and ride again, so fear doesn’t take over.

Fear: False Evidence Appearing Real

This is what we have to tell ourselves when our world feels like it’s caving in on us. Look at what is real now and leave your past behind, that’s why it’s the past…it’s gone and that’s where it needs to be in order for us to move forward.

Giving in is easy, fighting’s the hard part! But we are all worth fighting for, right? And I want this person to fight for me and all the people that love and need them as I do!  The thought of losing them kills me and whilst I still breathe …I won’t ever allow this to happen. It just can’t happen.

When you’re Depressed ….Don’t isolate yourself when the depression is strong, you need to keep connected with those that love you. If your down remember they are too. When you can’t eat? They can’t eat. When you don’t sleep? They don’t sleep. When you cry? They cry too!

Be brave and hang in there!

Tomorrow is another day, so close your eyes and let all the pain and sadness that you may be feeling drift away; even if it’s just for a night so you can start again tomorrow. One day at a time, I strongly believe this and live by this principle. You can do it, believe in yourself, stay strong and hang onto that one thing that keeps you connected. You are worth more than you realise to so many people. May the universe, your inner self or your god give you the strength you need to get through this hard time.

Just a side note: Many people come to my blog but don’t comment. Depression isn’t something people like to talk about, but I know you’re there and I hug you and understand your struggles. Stay strong and feel loved and worthy, because you are! Whatever has hurt you and for whatever reason your depressed right now, you will get through it. It wont be easy but remember: ALWAYS  find something that makes you smile, anything!!  the sun, moon, hell even chocolate, I’m serious it’s a great pick me up! your pet, your partner, anything, anything at all!!  When your down I know it’s easier said than done, but if you can? Wow it changes everything. Stay strong and believe in your own self worth. You are beautiful and worth fighting for always remember that!

I’ve been away in Tasmania for the past week and was going to post about it, but this has kind of taken a back seat from what’s just happened. I needed to write this to get it out of my head and to stay strong. I love this person more than life and without them in my life I wouldn’t survive. So I’m venting my hurt to the world.

I’ll post photos soon of Tasmania as I need to stay hopeful and happy.

Hugs to you all, Paula xxxxx

Mental Illness

Mental Illness. Instantly, this phrase can make someone nervous.

Why do you think it’s still like this in the 21st century?

We all know some of the obvious reasons – for example, the way mental illness is portrayed in many Hollywood movies. One Who Flew over The Cuckoo’s Nest, Black Swan, Sucker Punch, Girl, Interrupted; Fight Club… The list goes on.

But isn’t it talked about more often and people are more open than was once the case? I wonder, what makes someone scared? Maybe they think the person with schizophrenia is going to come at them with a knife because they saw it once on the news? Or maybe they will become some kind of poltergeist and their head will start spinning? How far from the truth! I imagine they just want you to treat them like everyone else. Imagine how hard the diagnosis alone is? And then for someone to be segregated as a result of that diagnosis?? Wow, how crushing!!

What about the Depressed person, who you think is always moaning and down. Why not put your arms around them and let them know that you’re there if they need you. Don’t try to avoid them; maybe just listen to what they have to say… Not just wait for them to finish and run away, but really listen! Sometimes that’s all someone needs. They aren’t failures or losers because they’re Depressed. Depression is very real and it’s not in their heads. If they could make it go away, they would! They want to laugh and smile again just like everyone else. They are lost and broken and need someone to help get them back on track. Whether that be by therapy, medication, love and understanding, or all of them…. Whichever the case they will get there with your love and support. You know anyone can be caught in the stronghold of depression at some point in their lives. Your one gesture of love and understanding? It can change their whole day and world! Show them love and kindness. Everyone needs love and understanding, right?

It baffles me that some members of society still judge this way. I suppose there are those that suffer greatly and at times have to be hospitalised and stabilised as a result of their mental illness, but usually this is a result of someone stopping their medication/s, or that they just need their prescriptions adjusted. I suppose when someone witnesses these turns, it frightens them and I can understand that, but again a little bit of love and understanding goes a hell of a long way to helping their recovery.

Lets take the word Normal. Can someone please explain what that means?? Not what the dictionary says, but what in REAL LIFE does this word mean?

What you think is Normal another person doesn’t! So, who is right and who is wrong?

Bipolar Disorder – You know one minute we are flying high and no one can touch us, next we come crashing down and need someone with big hearts and open arms to catch us. Sometimes we don’t see the fall until it’s too late. That’s when the climb back up to the top can be exhausting. We become our biggest enemy. Everyday we have to find something to smile about or we drown. We are just like you, but some days we stumble and need love and understand to get us back up.

OCD-Obsessive Compulsive Disorder this can be so debilitating for so many people. Yet some people make fun of this. But why? Have they had it? Do they even understand the trauma the person goes through on daily basis? They know it’s not NORMAL, but they can’t help it. It’s what makes them feel normal!

Take Anxiety Disorder, it’s crippling and yet anyone can be caught in its grip at some point in their lives. Very successful people can suffer with this. In no way does the label define the person. Breathing is like hyperventilating and you feel that you are going to pass out. Or worse, you shallow breathe and feel like you’re drowning in your own breath. You’re looking for the positives but all you see is negativity. A mole hill becomes a mountain of Everest proportions! You try to get a hold of it and then it just pulls you back down. Again, people just need your understanding and compassion.

Now this is a tricky one: Anorexia/Bulimia The things these people suffer in their daily lives are horrendous. The way they see themselves can make you cry. I’ve had both of these in my life and let me tell you, they are crippling! They/we do not see what you see. Why do magazines glorify us human beings? We aren’t perfect so why are we always looking for perfection in our bodies. We are attracted to all sorts of different body shapes, right? So, why do we think slim and perfect is the answer? Where does this come from? Even to this day as small framed as I am… I dislike my body. Actually that’s an understatement!!  It’s wrong and I know that, but trying to get this one in my head is like extracting a tooth! 🙂 Beauty is but skin deep, so how does this happen?

You know there are so many disorders out there – these are just some that people face daily.

Please don’t be afraid of what you don’t understand. These people are Normal. They just struggle at times and need your love and understanding. Not anyone’s judgement.

To all those out there that suffer with any kind of Mental Illness? I reach out and hug all of you and understand your daily struggles. We are a lot stronger  than people realise. We fight our demons every day and somehow pull through. Maybe your faith gets you through or the love and support of family and friends. Whatever the case may be, we get there. Be proud of who and what you are and what you have achieved. Never compare your achievements to another, as there will always be those greater, as well as those less fortunate. Stay strong and believe in you, for you are a beautiful soul and deserved to be loved and respected like every other human being.

Remember WE ARE  like everyone else and just want to be accepted for who we are. Our diagnosis DOES NOT define us as a person.

We can only hope it helps others understand, that some days we will struggle. And if we fall? Give us a helping hand and we will get back up and try again tomorrow. You know just that little bit of help love and understanding from those around us? We can get there! Maybe not to what you think is normal, but to what’s achievable and realistic to us. Just love us for who we are and we will love you back as you are!

I really do love our blog family/community and to you all, I for one appreciate the love understanding and friendship that you all have shown me and to those in need here on WordPress!

You have no idea how much you make a difference. That one gesture of love and understanding you show, can make that persons day and life a whole lot brighter!

WORDS ARE POWERFUL!!

Love and hugs to the whole community! Let’s not be afraid of what we don’t understand.

Hugs to you all, Paula xxxxx

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