Tag Archives: obsessive compulsive disorder

Mental Illness

mental-illness-art-a3ce9bb6a9a7cdbcMental Illness. Instantly, this phrase can make someone nervous.

Why do you think it’s still like this in the 21st century?

We all know some of the obvious reasons – for example, the way mental illness is portrayed in many Hollywood movies. One Who Flew over The Cuckoo’s Nest, Black Swan, Sucker Punch, Girl, Interrupted; Fight Club… The list goes on.

But isn’t it talked about more often and people are more open than was once the case? I wonder, what makes someone scared? Maybe they think the person with schizophrenia is going to come at them with a knife because they saw it once on the news? Or maybe they will become some kind of poltergeist and their head will start spinning? How far from the truth! I imagine they just want you to treat them like everyone else. Imagine how hard the diagnosis alone is? And then for someone to be segregated as a result of that diagnosis?? Wow, how crushing!!

What about the Depressed person, who you think is always moaning and down. Why not put your arms around them and let them know that you’re there if they need you. Don’t try to avoid them; maybe just listen to what they have to say… Not just wait for them to finish and run away, but really listen! Sometimes that’s all someone needs. They aren’t failures or losers because they’re Depressed. Depression is very real and it’s not in their heads. If they could make it go away, they would! They want to laugh and smile again just like everyone else. They are lost and broken and need someone to help get them back on track. Whether that be by therapy, medication, love and understanding, or all of them…. Whichever the case they will get there with your love and support. You know anyone can be caught in the stronghold of depression at some point in their lives. Your one gesture of love and understanding? It can change their whole day and world! Show them love and kindness. Everyone needs love and understanding, right?

It baffles me that some members of society still judge this way. I suppose there are those that suffer greatly and at times have to be hospitalised and stabilised as a result of their mental illness, but usually this is a result of someone stopping their medication/s, or that they just need their prescriptions adjusted. I suppose when someone witnesses these turns, it frightens them and I can understand that, but again a little bit of love and understanding goes a hell of a long way to helping their recovery.

Lets take the word Normal. Can someone please explain what that means?? Not what the dictionary says, but what in REAL LIFE does this word mean?

What you think is Normal another person doesn’t! So, who is right and who is wrong?

Bipolar Disorder – You know one minute we are flying high and no one can touch us, next we come crashing down and need someone with big hearts and open arms to catch us. Sometimes we don’t see the fall until it’s too late. That’s when the climb back up to the top can be exhausting. We become our biggest enemy. Everyday we have to find something to smile about or we drown. We are just like you, but some days we stumble and need love and understand to get us back up.

OCD-Obsessive Compulsive Disorder this can be so debilitating for so many people. Yet some people make fun of this. But why? Have they had it? Do they even understand the trauma the person goes through on daily basis? They know it’s not NORMAL, but they can’t help it. It’s what makes them feel normal!

Take Anxiety Disorder, it’s crippling and yet anyone can be caught in its grip at some point in their lives. Very successful people can suffer with this. In no way does the label define the person. Breathing is like hyperventilating and you feel that you are going to pass out. Or worse, you shallow breathe and feel like you’re drowning in your own breath. You’re looking for the positives but all you see is negativity. A mole hill becomes a mountain of Everest proportions! You try to get a hold of it and then it just pulls you back down. Again, people just need your understanding and compassion.

Now this is a tricky one: Anorexia/Bulimia The things these people suffer in their daily lives are horrendous. The way they see themselves can make you cry. I’ve had both of these in my life and let me tell you, they are crippling! They/we do not see what you see. Why do magazines glorify us human beings? We aren’t perfect so why are we always looking for perfection in our bodies. We are attracted to all sorts of different body shapes, right? So, why do we think slim and perfect is the answer? Where does this come from? Even to this day as small framed as I am… I dislike my body. Actually that’s an understatement!!  It’s wrong and I know that, but trying to get this one in my head is like extracting a tooth! 🙂 Beauty is but skin deep, so how does this happen?

You know there are so many disorders out there – these are just some that people face daily.

Please don’t be afraid of what you don’t understand. These people are Normal. They just struggle at times and need your love and understanding. Not anyone’s judgement.

To all those out there that suffer with any kind of Mental Illness? I reach out and hug all of you and understand your daily struggles. We are a lot stronger  than people realise. We fight our demons every day and somehow pull through. Maybe your faith gets you through or the love and support of family and friends. Whatever the case may be, we get there. Be proud of who and what you are and what you have achieved. Never compare your achievements to another, as there will always be those greater, as well as those less fortunate. Stay strong and believe in you, for you are a beautiful soul and deserved to be loved and respected like every other human being.

Remember WE ARE  like everyone else and just want to be accepted for who we are. Our diagnosis DOES NOT define us as a person.

We can only hope it helps others understand, that some days we will struggle. And if we fall? Give us a helping hand and we will get back up and try again tomorrow. You know just that little bit of help love and understanding from those around us? We can get there! Maybe not to what you think is normal, but to what’s achievable and realistic to us. Just love us for who we are and we will love you back as you are!

I really do love our blog family/community and to you all, I for one appreciate the love understanding and friendship that you all have shown me and to those in need here on WordPress!

You have no idea how much you make a difference. That one gesture of love and understanding you show, can make that persons day and life a whole lot brighter!


Love and hugs to the whole community! Let’s not be afraid of what we don’t understand.

Hugs to you all, Paula xxxxx

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Filed under Fight Depression, Thinking..., What irks me

Heeeeeellllooooo World!!

Hello Everyone!!

Wow. It feels like I’ve been away from blogging for months! Lol… I think it’s been about 3 weeks. 🙂

Well, I have moved out of our house and am now living alone with Sakura (cat) and my birds, B.J & Pippa.

It feels really strange as the last time I ever lived alone was when I was 15 years old. My husband rings every day to check on me which I think is really nice. We have parted as friends and for this I’m really grateful.

The house looks like I’ve lived here for years. See, some good comes out of having OCD! LMAO 🙂 I couldn’t rest until everything went back into place. Poor Sakura was beside herself as she missed her old home. Anyone with animals would understand how hard it is for our pets to adjust to the new environment.  Anyway, she is getting much happier and starting to find new hiding spots! Lol

My internet won’t be up for about 1 or 2 weeks… Fingers crossed it gets done earlier. Then again, I am talking about Telstra (phone company in Oz) – with them, anything is possible!  🙂

So, blogging off my phone and boy does the word correction thingy do my head in! Lol

I love this song! Missed all your blogs!!

Hugs to you all. Paula xxxxx


Filed under My experiences

Happy New Year, Everyone!


Helllooo my lovely bloggers and blogettes 🙂

Happy New Year to you all!

Sorry I have taken so long to get back blogging! I have been really busy at our property and have being going backwards and forwards, country/city, city/country, etc, etc, etc, ever since Boxing Day!

Boy am I tired! My nephew has been renovating our dongas/transportable homes (a 30ft  and a 20ft) so that way when we are visiting our property, we have our own space. My son likes us staying in the house but I believe we all need personal space, even if you’re 28 and still love your mummy being around! Lol. They are caretakers of the the property. I’ll explain for those of you that are new to my blog? It’s 116 acre bush/rural property where my son, his wife and their two beautiful boys live. Additionally, amongst a menagerie of other animals, I keep my beloved babies Margie and Teco boy. They are the new loves of my life that bring me comfort, joy and a peace like I’ve never known before! I used to really dislike the country and nature, but when I got these two beautiful Llamas I fell in love with their world! I can just sit on a log amongst them and watch them for hours. (I don’t sit for hours though, as my behind would hurt! Lol). It’s really hot out there at the moment. One of the days was 47 degrees Celsius ! I nearly melted and spent most of that day in the pool. But in autumn and early winter it’s the most magical place, the misty mornings, wind  blowing, birds chirping and sitting on that log with my babies is too beautiful for words. I wish you all could just come sit with me. Imagine me liking nature? Who would have thought! 🙂

Teco has been shorn but unfortunately Margie wouldn’t let us catch her and therefore is wandering around with a wool coat on! The good news is that because the temperature has changed so much it would be bad to shear her as she could get sunburnt and isn’t as independent as Teco boy. When he first got shorn he felt less “manly” you might say and sulked in the back corner of the paddock. By the end of the day he came for me to cuddle him and reassure him that he was still beautiful in my eyes! 🙂 If a Llama male plays up they shear them as it calms them down. When they are really woolly they feel like they’re The Man. But with no wool they become meek and mild! Teco boy has been spade but still ruled the paddock from Margie!

Life has gone back to normal and even with no wool, he’s the leader again. His masculinity still prevailed 🙂 Go my boy!!

We really wanted Margie to get shorn, not just because she’s more woolly than him, but also to find out whether she’s pregnant. Remember she was mated just before I got her as I wanted a pregnant Llama? When put back with the male, she spat at him which should mean she is pregnant. But maybe she was having a bad day! 🙂  Spitting at the male is usually a sign for them to back off as she is in a delicate condition.  I have yet to find out, but if it is the case, her baby will be due about the 10th of June! Boy, I will be SO excited if she is. Prepare yourself to be inundated with baby Llama pictures! 🙂 If not, I don’t care as I love her to bits and at least she won’t have to go through that whole giving birth thingy! Lol.

This year I’m going to do my darndest (if there is such a word) to be as happy as I once was. It’s been 2 years since I tried to take my life and now I want my life back. I want to try and let go of the past and look to my future. Happiness is out there – I just have to find it again! Blogging through 2012 and having you wonderful people in my life really has provided me with so much love. Thank you, to all of you!!

My blog is Depression Exists and therefore I will still blog about it regularly; remembering that I have been diagnosed with Bipolar, OCD, Borderline Personality Disorder and Anxiety and Mood Disorder, there are always a lot of things going on! Life is a journey into the unknown with me and if you want you can follow along and read all about it.

We will be happy, sad, confused and at times lonely, but we will always find a way to smile and laugh!

I think this year is going to be a brilliant year so lets push the past behind us, and say “No more will you rule me!”

I missed you!

Love and prosperity in 2013 to all of you!!

Super Paula hugs to one and all!!!


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Filed under Fight Depression, What makes me happy

Depression Exists? (Part 2)

Depression Exists: Along with many other Mental Illnesses!   Yes or No?

Have a look at this interesting post all about someone stating that they do not believe in mental disorders.

Make sure you then click on the link about mental disorders as well!

As far as I’m concerned these exist. But at times wish it wasn’t true! So what happens when you tell the millions of people suffering world wide… it’s NOT!   This is what I recently read about them NOT EXISTING and that we are all being conned!  It’s a very controversial post.

I pondered as to whether or not to talk about it. But what the hell! You be the judge.

Have a read and tell me what you think. Just don’t shoot the messenger!

*smiling* …….Paula xxx


Filed under Fight Depression, Uncategorized

A word from me to you


I just thought I would have a chat about depression. I speak – amongst other things – about what the situation was around my breakdown, how I should have asked for help, and how much blogging means to me now.

When I say that Depression can be cured… doesn’t necessarily mean you won’t need medication to aid this.. It depends on what type of depression your suffering!

Paula x


Filed under Fight Depression, My experiences

OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder!)

If there is one thing that people who know me would say, it’s that I am a clean freak. *smiling*

So what happens when you are OCD and like this?

Okay. Firstly, you very rarely like sitting still and that can drive you crazy! I tell myself  not to worry about that cup in front of me that I’ve only just finished drinking from – but it’s staring at me, judging me for being lazy and doing nothing, when I should be doing something! *laughing*  Seriously. This is what my crazy brain does to me. So I have to get up and put it in the sink, dish washer or clean it and put it away where it belongs! I know that I am definitely not lazy but that still that doesn’t stop my brain from judging me every time it sees something (anything!) out of place.

I’ll give you an example of the way my brain works! Change your sets if you are squeamish folks, *This is scary and weird!*

One day my brother came over and made out he was getting a drink or something from the kitchen. He calls out, “Paula can you come in here?” Sure! The moment I came through the door, I could feel my heart racing a million miles an hour. I’m not joking I was practically hyperventilating  OMG!

“What have you done?” I stammered, at least partially incoherent.

“Nothing. Why? What’s wrong?….”

He had opened every cupboard and drawer in the kitchen and had emptied the contents, well as much as the benches would take, onto them!…. My brain went into over drive and I didn’t know what to do… okay – do I laugh or do I cry?  Then he wants me to go sit back down in the lounge room as if nothing had happened and just ignore that my  kitchen looks like a department store! Are you serious?  He goes can I make you a cup of tea or something? No. I just want to clean this all up!

My son and brother where laughing and trying to get me to see that it was nothing and it can all just go back into the cupboard! I’m still going OH. MY. GOD. NO! Why, why did you do this?

Seeing I was getting overly distressed they hugged me and said don’t worry about it. It’s nothing, so don’t let it bother you. As if I could just sit down and accept this intrusion into my well-ordered world without a worry in the world. Well thanks guys but that’s not working . YOU are not trying to deal with the blown fuse in my brain right now!…*still in shock*

What did this teach me?

Mainly that my son and my brother when they get together are dangerous to my mental health?!


No. Seriously,  after it was all put back and my world was tidily compartmentalised again, the way the kitchen was supposed to be according to the organisation chart in my brain *smiling*, it showed me just how ridiculous my OCD had become.

I no longer take medication for OCD as I’ve kind of worked through a lot of the behaviors. I say “behaviors” because that’s what I believe they are, at least it seems that way to me.  Usually my family will bring it to my attention and I kind of go, Oh yeah! okay Paula, stop it! Like without even realizing it I tap my index finger up and down, spelling out words for the things I see around me. Scary and weird I know! *laughing* But 9 times out of 10 i am not even consciously aware that I’m doing it!

Personally I believe Anxiety is the killer. If you don’t stay calm in certain situations then your OCD may rear it’s ugly head. Like yesterday….my daughter-in-law came running to me saying that my Llamas were out of their enclosure!

“What? How?” I bellow – not thinking, just reacting.

She stammers back to me “Someone must have left the gate open!  Cam has gone looking for them.”

Finally my brain works out what is going on, and now I panic. Holy shit, the Llamas are out! No! No! No! No! I can’t stay calm, I’m just cursing inwardly and outwardly. Stay calm! I frantically try to assure myself. How to find them? How to get them back to their pen? Let’s see… What do they love the most? Food!  Okay. I quickly grab some Alpaca Mix and jump on the back of the motorbike with my son, and head off to the back of the property. I am yelling out their names, all the while feeling sick in my stomach with worry, when finally I see Margie. And Teco. I try to talk to him – “baby boy! where are you? Teco baby…” It feels like forever but finally this beautiful Llama of mine swings his neck around a tree to see what all the racket is about, and sees me. Thankfully, we found them. It took a lot more coaching to get them to follow me back to the front of our property…..Seriously, my anxiety was through the roof as we have no boundary fence and if they had gone in that direction I would have lost them! At one point I just wanted to sit down and cry because I just couldn’t get Margie to go back into her paddock. Just when I am near the end of my tether, she finally relents, and gallops in! All I can do is let out a big lungful of air. *Phew* Thankfully, all has ended up well.

So how does someone like me who checks rechecks, double checks and works through lists of things, make this kind of mistake? How on earth did I not remember to close that lock? No more trying to understand it or I’ll drive myself crazy. I have to just forgive myself and let it go, otherwise the next step would be paranoia and I’ll end up putting a 24 hour guard around them. No, I would! *laughing my head off*… In all seriousness that unlocked gate business will never, ever happen again! It may not have seemed like it from the way I have told the story but staying calm and taking a deep breath helped control my anxiety, which has the advantage of keeping my  OCD at arms length!

How I deal with this side of my personality now is that I force myself to ignore things that are out of place, and I tell myself that my house doesn’t need to look like a show home! Why? because that’s what it is! A home!! I know that but I still need to remind myself of the fact. Also, stay calm and let the anxiety run through your body like a cold shiver.

I’m still going to wash my hands more than the norm but no longer to the point of getting dermatitis. Still going to check the front doors locked a few times before going to bed, but no longer fret that I should have checked it again. Still going to check that the power switch to the kettle and toaster are turned off before going to bed but not constantly throughout the day. Part of me is always going to be a bit Compulsive and a bit more Obsessive but I have come to the understanding that it’s just learning little tricks and pathways and procedures and thoughts that remind me how to cope!

Definitely it’s a working progress *smiling*  To those that struggle daily as a result of their Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, I wish you well with trying to find your own special something that gives you that ever so elusive peace from this terrible disorder.

Do you Obsess about anything?

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Filed under My experiences

Just Rambling On

The Kitchen

I woke this morning to find myself in a bit of a don’t give a shit mood!

It was 9am then 10am then 11am before I finally convinced myself that I had to give a shit and got up.

Thinking about the night before I tried to see what I had done differently that would make me wake in such a mood. Apart from going to bed late, nothing major. But then I remembered getting a text message from our real estate agent about a house we have for sale. That’s when I realised how my anxiety must play havoc on my subconscious mind too. Obviously her message had made me feel depressed and anxious. Not a good combination for me:)

This particular house went on the market for 4 months and had not 1 offer. The market here right now is not as strong as it was, say, 2 years ago. Still, there was potential to knock it down and build 2 townhouses if a developer was interested. We chose to renovate.  So, finally after 3 months of renovations – pulling walls down etc – it went on the market again last Saturday. The house looks great and we had a design company furnish it. Yes, this will sell! I thought.  There’s nothing for anyone to complain about.

Then the text message came and said some guy had been quite vocal and negative about the patio room not being approved in his expert opinion. Well, who the hell is he?! He never said he was a builder or worked for the council. God I detest know-it-alls like him. Apparently he raved for some time and potential buyers were all in ears reach. If you don’t want to buy the house who cares?!

God! It’s just an outside room….

Anyway the agent is finding out for me as he apparently put a lot of people off. Great. First day and we get a loud mouth in. Sorry to ramble on, tomorrow I won’t let it get the better of me:)

The Patio Room

The Patio Room


Filed under My experiences, What irks me


We were out at restaurant with my husband’s business associates when someone talked about putting photos on their Facebook page.

Slowly the table kind of ventured on into discussion around some people not liking Facebook, and the others feeling indifferent. The woman I was sitting next to asked me if I was on Facebook so she could send me some photos.

Reluctantly I told her that I started this blog which you can connect to Facebook, but not to me personally only my blog site. Confused why it would matter she said just use your full name and connect to that, no big deal!

I explained to her that writing about such personal things and Bi-Polar in general was very personal to me and that I didn’t want the negative feedback from people I know. Been able to be completely truthful and know that maybe I can help someone and stay anonymous, was the best way for me. I told her people are ignorant to mental illness and that’s why I chose to do it that way. Bye the way, my name really is Paula:)

WELL, one thing led to another and before I knew it the whole table had turned against Facebook, all but this one woman. The things they said about the sort of people that write all their personal stuff, etc, have rocks in their heads and there has to be something wrong with them. I stayed silent and just listened to all the horrible things these people had to say.

This is why I don’t have a personal Faceboook Page. The ignorance of some people! This woman was amazing and said how some people write to help heal themselves, some about mental illness, and others it’s  just a way to keep in touch.

God, that was it! A green light to then start on the people suffering with a mental illness. Some one said, you prove our point, people with mental illness are crazy and that’s why they tell the world how they are feeling. Wow this is crazy I thought, are some people really this ignorant. To be labeled with Depression, Bi-Polar, Anxiety, Schizophrenia etc is hard enough. But to hear these people talking about you but not knowing that you suffer with some of these things is unbearable.

Am I crazy? I don’t think so!  People are scared of things they know nothing about. I’m sure if they knew I was one of these people they would have shut up, but personally might have thought that maybe I would pull out a knife and stab them. That’s how ignorant this entire table was, all but this one woman, who by the way, was a nurse.

I had only told her about my depression blog, which she thought was great as she was well aware of how many people suffer in silence. Seriously she fought for my rights like a knight in shining armor, only no one knew.

14 people where having a go at her and she just let them have it. In the end some guy mad a joke out of it, and the table calmed. I waited for everyone to leave and I thanked her for supporting me, even though like I said no-one knew she was defending my rights to write about a subject no-one wants to talk about. People like her give me the courage to keep writing, and I can only hope that people like the others never read my blog:)

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Filed under My experiences, What irks me

Money Doesn’t Buy Happiness

I tried to buy my happiness over the years.  I have a lovely home and everything I desired. Lavish Christmas parties, the ability to satisfy every whim. I must have owned every new kind of exercise machine that has been on television over the years.

But all of these material things really do mean nothing. Trips overseas sounded like a great way to escape the monotony of everyday life, but you are still you wherever you go. Then you come home and everything is the same. Same aching sadness, same emptiness.


Filed under My experiences


I could hear a motorbike sound and vaguely remember someone talking to me and pricking my finger, I fell again;back in to a deep sleep.
Someone was calling my name, I  thought I saw an angel but when I finally opened my eyes right up, I realised it was my sister. I told her someone had died, she said nobody had died, Paula, you took an overdose and you’re in the hospital.

I couldn’t believe it, god no! I’m not suppose to be alive.
I cried so much and didn’t stop crying for days, what do I do now, how can I face everyone.
God what have I done, this can’t be happening, this isn’t what I planned.

I’ve never felt so alone and terrified in my life, I pleaded with my husband to take me home; I knew if they had read my suicide note, I wouldn’t be able to leave.
He told me I needed help and to be patient, that I was in the right place and would be getting all the help I needed to get better again. I even texted my sister and mother pleading to get me out of there, but they couldn’t.

This is not what I wanted; someone to get inside my head and work out why I tried to commit suicide. I was angry that my husband had called an ambulance and even angrier at myself for not getting it right.
So after lots more crying and having to open up to the hospital  psychiatrist, the descision to admit me to physiciatric care was made, (or should I say forced upon me) either I admitted myself to Perth Clinic ( A private institute for people with psychological disorders ) or I would be taken to Greylands (public system).

Everything I had ever heard about Greylands made me scared to go there, so reluctantly; I was going to Perth Clinic.
The crying I did in the first few days was enough to last a lifetime, at the end of the day it wouldn’t have mattered where I went; Perth Clinic or Greylands, they both would have wanted me to tell the truth of what brought me to want to commit suicide.

For privacy reasons I won’t mention the name of my shrink, all I can say is they saved my life.
After telling him my story and what led me to where I was, it was decided that I would have to have an ECT. I had refused to eat for a few days, as I was punishing myself for living.
No matter how hard I tried to stop crying I couldn’t, so the  best thing to help stop the crying and help the mending process, was to start with a series of ECT’s, along with some anti-depreassants.
Not too long after my first ECT the crying had calmed a little, but the good thing was that I could drink something. I became addicted to Milo, how strange is that!
If it wasn’t for Milo I would have been put on a drip (Go Milo) 🙂
I proceeded to live and nourish myself on Milo for the next month.

The sadness I had endured for years was all about to be revealed, I was there for 1 month, had 15 ECT’S  and even more severe headaches from them.
But at the end of the day they saved me, and I know that to be the truth.

I had lots of therapy and oddly did lots of colouring in, actually it was really therapeutic.
My husband bought me flowers and the way I was feeling at the time I had no interest in them, but a few days later; I ws in bed crying again. When I looked up and saw the flowers on top of the T.V, I began to feel different about them; all of a sudden I liked the colour, the box they were in and the shapes. From that moment on, I was totally obsessed with flowers and wanting different colours! Pink was the main colour actually, I wanted anything that was pink, pink textas, pencils etc.

I have found solace in the colour pink, to this day; it calms me and brings me a happiness like no-other.
I now appreciate and enjoy the company of flowers.


Filed under My treatments