Tag Archives: My Llamas

What a Year!

angel year

Hey, how’s life treating you all??

Wow, I’ve kind of neglected my blog lately and have been feeling really bad about that, SORRY!!! ūüôā

I’ve had good days and bad days, rainbow days and every other kind of day you can think of. Some days I felt that if I wrote I would pull the world down with me, and other days I would have lifted you as high as the sky. I guess the benefits and downfalls of being Bipolar, right?? ¬† ¬†Lol

Can you believe another year has almost past us by again. Sometimes life just flows and you float along with it; other days, they pass so quickly you nearly miss them. This year has been an enormous rollercoaster ride of emotions for me. Depression – eat your heart out!! Lol You thought you could beat me but I beat you this time. If I was going to fall apart like I did a few years ago? Then this was the year it should have happened.

I separated from my husband, which was one of the hardest decisions I’ve had to make. I left my home and farm and my beloved llamas (Teco and Margie). My son and his wife separated. I went to Melbourne for a funeral. My step dad is fighting cancer and someone dear to me wanted to commit suicide and it all tore me apart. I’ve been on the Queen Mary around New Zealand, and spent 5 weeks in the U.K. I’ve been to Victoria and Tasmania and seen nature at it’s best in Oz. I’ve cried and sat down on my kitchen floor and wondered how I would make it to the next day. I’ve asked the universe to give me strength and to help me get to the next day, without wanting to give in. ¬†And I’ve pleaded with myself to have courage to fight the darkness that at times overwhelms me. So, this is the year I should have fallen apart… But I didn’t!

How did I make it? Well, I met someone that gave me the strength to believe in me and loved me for me, all of me the good and the bad. Who knows what will become of it but I believe everything happens for a reason and I needed this person to get me where I am right now and for that I am truly grateful. People come and go from our lives and touch us in many ways.  Sometimes they are hurtful ways, and sometimes they are so beautiful and you wonder how you lived without them. But I think the most important thing is to learn something from all of them. Life is full of experiences, good and bad. We have to breath in the good and exhale the bad until it controls us no more. I feel optimistic about the future and am looking forward to 2014.

I went to the beach recently and looked at the ocean and thought how calm and peaceful it looked. Yet I know there are days that nature thrashes against the shore and you get blown away. But the next day it’s all peaceful and beautiful again. I think this is what life is like. There will always be good and bad days and people who want to drag you down with them. But we need to stay grounded amidst the storms and not let other people’s disharmony pull us down. Those that don’t support you don’t deserve you in their lives.

Stand tall and proud and embrace your joy with those whom love and support you! Release the others with love and let them be on there way as they serve you no good.

So, as I sit here at my desk and write this, I thank the universe for giving me two sons that I adore. They are one of the main reasons I have for waking every single day. They have grown in to such beautiful young men and I feel that they make my world worthwhile. I see how they love their girlfriends and how happy they make them. As a mother, this makes my heart sing! To see your children in pain is crushing, but when they are smiling laughing and telling jokes? Ahhh it’s so precious and you can’t help but smile and be in awe of them.

I saw a man recently begging for money. He said he had no power, food etc. I stopped and talked to him and gave him some money. I don’t care if he was not telling the truth. Why? because no one does that if they are happy and living an okay life. Only people that feel as if it’s there only option turn to begging. If that’s their only source of income then I believe I should help in any way I can. I’m not saying everyone else should, I’m just saying that’s how I feel about it.

So to me this is a good year – yes things have been hard, but I’m not on the streets having to beg and wonder where my next meal is coming from. ¬†At this time of year, people in less fortunate positions deserve so much compassion. ¬†Those alone that have nothing, No family friends or anyone to turn to for comfort.

So Paula hugs you all, and I hope that you too have found a peace in yourself and can let the past be the past, and start to look forward to a much brighter and happier 2014!

You, the blogging family/community, have helped me get through this year in more ways than one. You have allowed me to express my feelings and throw them into cyberspace where I have had nothing but full support throughout the year. You are all truly amazingly beautiful people and I adore each one of you. After blogging for sometime now you start to get little images of what you think your regular followers look like etc. So Yes, i’m talking to you and you and you and you! Yes You!! Lol ¬†I can’t help but laugh as Sakura just looked at me as if I’m crazy! ūüôā

I have images of all of you and they are all good images of great people I admire and respect, and I enjoy getting to know you all through your blogs and mine. You truly are like a little extended family to me. From all races and walks of life we all come together as one, and this is the magic of our WordPress family! I am more open here with you than I am to those around me in the real world. I say thank goodness for WordPress and it’s co- founders. ūüôā

What have I learnt this year? Well, we can’t ever change the past but we can seek out the future happiness we all so desire and deserve.

I thank every single one of you that have come to my site and touched my heart with your kindness. You have picked me up, when even I didn’t know how I would get there. You are all incredibly beautiful people who have been generous with your love and support and I hug all of you for it! ūüôā

Next year I plan to share a lot more of my life through photos, video posts and basically let you into all the mundane things life has to offer along with all the great things. Hell, I’ll even tell you what coffee I drink, as long as you tell me what your is?? Lol

Love to you all, Paula xxxxx

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Filed under My experiences, What makes me happy

Saying goodbye to my Llamas.












Hello Everyone,

I hope you all enjoyed your weekend! 

Mine was filled with a mixture of emotions. My brother-in-law found a home for my babies (my llamas) to move to. I spent Saturday with them because first thing Sunday morning they had to be loaded into the float for their trip to their new home. Margie was a mess and hates to be handled and she kicked up a fuss, so much so that Teco boy just strolled out of the stables nudged into me and cried out about what was happening to her. I hugged him and told him she was okay and kept cuddling him. This beautiful animal just stood by me and watched the fuss being made of her getting into the float. My boy just stayed there, leaning into me, wanting to know what was ¬†happening. My heart sank so deep and I wanted to cry. Here I was hugging my boy for the last time and he didn’t know it was going to be the last time. He just loved and trusted me so much and just walked into the float as if he was going for a drive.

I knew separating from my husband was going to come with a whole lot of heartache, but I hadn’t prepared myself for the realities of it. Our home, Our farm, My babies! All gone. It hurts a lot deeper than I show anyone. The me inside is a mess trying to smile and act as if I have it all together, but I don’t!

I stayed in their new paddock for almost an hour. I didn’t want to go but I knew it wasn’t fair on them or the people I had given them to. Teco boy looked around with all the enthusiasm of a small child checking something out for the first time. He looked at me jumped in the air and was swinging his head with excitement. I felt like a proud mum watching her child being strong and brave on the first day at school. I smiled , looked at him and thought how lucky I have been to be loved by this beautiful animal. But, my Margie cried out continually and looked lost and scared. I tried really hard to reassure her, but I couldn’t. She wanted to go back home to her paddock. Oh god, it was so painful, you have no idea.

Today I will call and see how there first night went. I will visit a couple more times and then its best to leave them be. I hate this, but it’s the right thing to do by their new family and Margie and Teco boy. ¬†They have to learn to adapt and if I keep coming they will want to come home with me. They were like children to me and I will miss them like crazy!

I had a 1 1/2 hour drive back to the city. Did I cry? Absolutely. I was happy for the new farm and people, but I felt like I had abandoned my children and it hurt badly.

So, I had my music blaring and tried to focus on the joy and happiness Margie and Teco brought me.   

Anyway, enough, before this grown woman sheds a tear again.

The photos are some I took at the farm on the weekend.

Hugs to you all….Paula xxx


Filed under Fight Depression, My experiences

My Weekend

I went in to feed Daisy, Bushy, Crossy and Piggy this weekend and believe me it’s not an easy thing to do when they want their pellets. lol

They nearly bowled me over at one point. But they are ever so cute.

Sheep 1

Sheep 2

Sheep 3

My beautiful boy Teco once again.

Teco and I

I’m not into harming any kind of animals or humans. This was just target practice with the shotgun. The only time it would be used would be to protect the animals and kill deadly snakes. Other than that, I hate guns, but they are a necessity to protect animals from predators.

This is the most wonderful Easter cupcakes anyone has made for me. My 6yr old niece and sister-in-law made them for me. Ohhhhh!!! I showed great self restraint… I shared with everyone and only ate one! lol


Hope you all had a wonderful Easter! hugs Paula xxxxx


Filed under My experiences, What makes me happy

Riding the Waves

Female Surfer

I have a confession to make.

Admitting this is hard, because I hate showing this side of me.

I’m a little down and am struggling to stay happy. I’m doing all the things I know I should to stay in good spirits, but sometimes life can get really hard.

I’m socialising. I am exercising (god forbid!!). ¬†I’m drinking water and basically keeping myself occupied. I’m not on the computer as long, as when your a little down I find it’s not the best thing to do.¬†It helps a little but in the long run you have to go face the real world!

Feeling like this is normal and I just have to ride the waves… I’ve done it plenty of times before and this is just here to test me! Seeing Teco boy (my llama) ¬†always makes me smile, but I won’t get to see him until Saturday. So, I shall wait to hug my boy.The comfort he brings me is second to none.

Tomorrow is another day and it WILL be a good day!

Have a great weekend everyone and I embrace you all for comfort!

Hugs Paula xxxxx

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Filed under My experiences, What irks me

My Teco boy (with no wool!)


Teco 2

Teco 3

Teco and Margie


Well here he is guys, the boy I love so much. Even with out his beautiful woollen coat!

I was telling Nafees today about how when I went to Teco boy and put my arms around to cuddle him he let his head fall into mine and just laid against me!¬†Can you love someone more than you think you already do? Well at that moment I did! My heart melted and ¬†I felt in awe of him and then to feel some¬†reciprocated love… Bliss!

So, being the proud mother I thought I would show you pictures of my beloved Teco. The photo of me laughing was because he nudged me so hard I nearly fell over. He just thought he was hugging into me. Lol

Now remember I adore Margie, but our love is through eye contact only! She watches me shower him with affection, but no matter how much I try to have contact with her – it’s a No. So I look into her eyes as I’m feeding her and tell her she’s my princess. No matter what! ¬†I just have to respect the way she wants to love me and be patient. ūüôā

Hope you all had a great weekend! Love and hugs to you all……Paula xx


Filed under What makes me happy

Happy New Year, Everyone!


Helllooo my lovely bloggers and blogettes ūüôā

Happy New Year to you all!

Sorry I have taken so long to get back blogging! I have been really busy at our property and have being going backwards and forwards, country/city, city/country, etc, etc, etc, ever since Boxing Day!

Boy am I tired! My nephew has been renovating our dongas/transportable homes (a 30ft ¬†and a 20ft) so that way when we are visiting our property, we have our own space. My son likes us staying in the house but I believe we all need personal space, even if you’re 28 and still love your mummy being around! Lol. They are caretakers of the the property. I’ll explain for those of you that are new to my blog? It’s 116 acre bush/rural property where my son, his wife and their two beautiful boys live. Additionally, amongst a menagerie of other animals, I keep my beloved babies Margie and Teco boy. They are the new loves of my life that bring me comfort, joy and a peace like I’ve never known before! I used to really dislike the country and nature, but when I got these two beautiful Llamas I fell in love with their world! I can just sit on a log amongst them and watch them for hours. (I don’t sit for hours though, as my behind would hurt! Lol). It’s really hot out there at the moment. One of the days was 47 degrees¬†Celsius¬†! I nearly melted and spent most of that day in the pool. But in autumn and early winter it’s the most magical place, the misty mornings, wind ¬†blowing, birds chirping and sitting on that log with my babies is too beautiful for words. I wish you all could just come sit with me. Imagine me liking nature? Who would have thought! ūüôā

Teco has been shorn but unfortunately Margie wouldn’t let us catch her and therefore is wandering around with a wool coat on! The good news is that because the temperature has changed so much it would be bad to shear her as she could get sunburnt and isn’t as independent as Teco boy. When he first got shorn he felt less “manly” you might say and sulked in the back corner of the paddock. By the end of the day he came for me to cuddle him and reassure him that he was still beautiful in my eyes! ūüôā If a Llama male plays up they shear them as it calms them down. When they are really¬†woolly¬†they feel like they’re The Man. But with no wool they become meek and mild! Teco boy has been spade but still ruled the paddock from Margie!

Life has gone back to normal and even with no wool, he’s the leader again. His masculinity still prevailed ūüôā Go my boy!!

We really wanted Margie to get shorn, not just because she’s more woolly than him, but also to find out whether she’s pregnant. Remember she was mated just before I got her as I wanted a pregnant Llama? When put back with the male, she spat at him which should mean she is pregnant. But maybe she was having a bad day! ūüôā ¬†Spitting at the male is usually a sign for them to back off as she is in a delicate condition. ¬†I have yet to find out, but if it is the case, her baby will be due about the 10th of June! Boy, I will be SO excited if she is. Prepare yourself to be inundated with baby Llama pictures! ūüôā If not, I don’t care as I love her to bits and at least she won’t have to go through that whole giving birth thingy! Lol.

This year I’m going to do my darndest (if there is such a word) to be as happy as I once was. It’s been 2 years since I tried to take my life and now I want my life back. I want to try and let go of the past and look to my future. Happiness is out there – I just have to find it again! Blogging through 2012 and having you wonderful people in my life really has provided me with so much love. Thank you, to all of you!!

My blog is Depression Exists and therefore I will still blog about it regularly; remembering that I have been diagnosed with Bipolar, OCD, Borderline Personality Disorder and Anxiety and Mood Disorder, there are always a lot of things going on! Life is a journey into the unknown with me and if you want you can follow along and read all about it.

We will be happy, sad, confused and at times lonely, but we will always find a way to smile and laugh!

I think this year is going to be a brilliant year so lets push the past behind us, and say “No more will you rule me!”

I missed you!

Love and prosperity in 2013 to all of you!!

Super Paula hugs to one and all!!!


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Filed under Fight Depression, What makes me happy

OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder!)

If there is one thing that people who know me would say, it’s that I am a clean freak. *smiling*

So what happens when you are OCD and like this?

Okay. Firstly, you very rarely like sitting still and that can drive you crazy! I tell myself ¬†not to worry about that cup in front of me that I’ve only just finished drinking from – but it’s staring at me, judging me for being lazy and doing nothing, when I should be doing something! *laughing* ¬†Seriously. This is what my crazy brain does to me. So I have to get up and put it in the sink, dish washer or clean it and put it away where it belongs! I know that I am definitely not lazy but that still that doesn’t stop my brain from judging me every time it sees something (anything!) out of place.

I’ll give you an example of the way my brain works!¬†Change your sets if you are squeamish folks, *This is scary and weird!*

One day my brother came over and made out he was getting a drink or something from the kitchen. He calls out, “Paula can you come in here?” Sure! The moment I came through the door, I could feel my heart racing a million miles an hour. I’m not joking I was practically¬†hyperventilating¬† OMG!

“What have you done?” I stammered, at least partially incoherent.

“Nothing. Why? What’s wrong?….”

He had opened every cupboard and drawer in the kitchen and had emptied the contents, well as much as the benches would take, onto them!…. My brain went into over drive and I didn’t know what to do… okay – do I laugh or do I cry? ¬†Then he wants me to go sit back down in the lounge room as if nothing had happened and just ignore that my ¬†kitchen looks like a department store! Are you serious? ¬†He goes can I make you a cup of tea or something? No. I just want to clean this all up!

My son and brother where laughing and trying to get me to see that it was nothing and it can all just go back into the cupboard! I’m still going OH. MY. GOD. NO! Why, why did you do this?

Seeing I was getting overly distressed they hugged me and said don’t worry about it. It’s nothing, so don’t let it bother you. As if I could just sit down and accept this intrusion into my well-ordered world without a worry in the world. Well thanks guys but that’s not working . YOU are not trying to deal with the blown fuse in my brain right now!…*still in shock*

What did this teach me?

Mainly that my son and my brother when they get together are dangerous to my mental health?!


No. Seriously,  after it was all put back and my world was tidily compartmentalised again, the way the kitchen was supposed to be according to the organisation chart in my brain *smiling*, it showed me just how ridiculous my OCD had become.

I no longer take medication for OCD as I’ve kind of worked through a lot of the¬†behaviors. I say “behaviors” because that’s what I believe they are, at least it seems that way to me. ¬†Usually my family will bring it to my attention and I kind of go, Oh yeah! okay Paula, stop it! Like without even¬†realizing it I tap my index finger up and down, spelling out words for the things I see around me. Scary and weird I know! *laughing* But 9 times out of 10 i am not even consciously aware that I’m doing it!

Personally I believe Anxiety is the killer. If you don’t stay calm in certain situations then your OCD may rear it’s ugly head. Like yesterday….my daughter-in-law came running to me saying that my Llamas were out of their enclosure!

“What? How?” I bellow – not thinking, just reacting.

She stammers back to me “Someone must have left the gate open! ¬†Cam has gone looking for them.”

Finally my brain¬†works out what is going on, and now I panic. Holy shit, the Llamas are out! No! No! No! No! I can’t stay calm, I’m just cursing inwardly and outwardly. Stay calm! I frantically try to assure myself. How to find them? How to get them back to their pen? Let’s see… What do they love the most? Food! ¬†Okay. I quickly grab some Alpaca Mix and jump on the back of the motorbike with my son, and head off to the back of the property. I am yelling out their names, all the while feeling sick in my stomach with worry, when finally I see Margie. And Teco. I try to talk to him – “baby boy! where are you? Teco baby…” It feels like forever but finally this beautiful Llama of mine swings his neck around a tree to see what all the racket is about, and sees me. Thankfully, we found them. It took a lot more coaching to get them to follow me back to the front of our property…..Seriously, my anxiety was through the roof as we have no¬†boundary¬†fence and if they had gone in that direction I would have lost them! At one point I just wanted to sit down and cry because I just couldn’t get Margie to go back into her paddock. Just when I am near the end of my tether, she finally relents, and gallops in! All I can do is let out a big lungful of air. *Phew* Thankfully, all has ended up well.

So how does someone like me who checks rechecks, double checks and works through lists of things, make this kind of mistake? How on earth did I not remember to close that lock?¬†No more trying to understand it or I’ll drive myself crazy. I have to just forgive myself and let it go, otherwise the next step would be paranoia and I’ll end up putting a 24 hour guard around them. No, I would! *laughing my head off*… In all seriousness that unlocked gate business will never, ever happen again! It may not have seemed like it from the way I have told the story but staying calm and taking a deep breath helped control my anxiety, which has the advantage of keeping my ¬†OCD at arms length!

How I deal with this side of my personality now is that I force myself to ignore things that are out of place, and I tell myself that my house doesn’t need to look like a show home! Why? because that’s what it is! A home!! I know that but I still need to remind myself of the fact. Also, stay calm and let the anxiety run through your body like a cold shiver.

I’m still going to wash my hands more than the norm but no longer to the point of getting dermatitis. Still going to check the front doors locked a few times before going to bed, but no longer fret that I should have checked it again. Still going to check that the power switch to the kettle and toaster are turned off before going to bed but not constantly throughout the day. Part of me is always going to be a bit Compulsive and a bit more Obsessive but I have come to the understanding that it’s just learning little tricks and pathways and procedures and thoughts that remind me how to cope!

Definitely it’s a working progress *smiling* ¬†To those that struggle daily as a result of their Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, I wish you well with trying to find your own special something that gives you that ever so elusive peace from this terrible disorder.

Do you Obsess about anything?

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Filed under My experiences

A peek at my beautiful Llamas

These two delight and amuse me. Every weekend I spend time with them and each visit lifts my spirits. Pets really do bring with them a huge amount of love and affection.

I hope you enjoy seeing them. I will share more glimpses of my farm soon.

(Sorry about the wind noise – I will try and fix that in future videos.)


Filed under What makes me happy


OMG! I have had sooo many of these since taking meds and stopping meds.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I can’t always blame Seroquel for everything! *smiles*

I totally suck when it comes to drinking water!.. My poor body is probably soooo dehydrated. Drinking 1 glass a day is a huuuge effort for me. So with the warmer weather now upon us… I’m going to make drinking water one of my priorities!

Along with ramblingsfromamum‘s affirmation she gave me:

Hello, Brand New Day РI Am In Control & You Will NOT Beat Me!!!!

Maybe throwing a slice of lemon in the water might help?

I’m off to see my Llamas… Have a great weekend everyone!!

Paula x

p.s. I had some technical issues with the video I planned to post… I will take more footage this weekend and try again when I come back.


Filed under My experiences

Me Time

My husband left last Saturday for Phuket. A boys only golf trip.

The winner gets¬†a Trophy and gets to wear the Winning Blazer thingy.¬†Also, the winner gets to choose the destination for the next year’s trip. The guys love it and they get to do all¬†that male bonding stuff. I’m sure it’s¬†along the lines of a¬†what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas! type of thing:)

I met my husband when I was 30 and he was 51. We actually got married in Vegas. Boy do I love Vegas!

Anyway the age thing¬†didn’t really seem that great , but as we’ve both got older it¬† now sounds it:) When he would go away, I would be sooo jealous that I would stomp around the house and be very short with him days before he would leave on his¬†business trip. Jealousy is a curse and if you let it,¬†it can tear your mind apart. The gift I get with each birthday isn’t about presents, but about the fact that I become more and more tolerant and calmer each year.

Now I look forward to the Me Time as much as he looks forward to his time. Everyone needs personal space even its just for a couple of hours. Especially if you’re a fulltime carer or something like that to someone demanding. You definitely need time out.

Sometimes I can be full on and my mind goes 100 miles an hour and I expect everyone around me to keep up. Kind of like, So, you’ve finished your coffee? Whats next… Let’s just relax?… Relax… What for?… Because, because why? When I get like that¬† I find things to amuse myself, so I don’t drive¬†everyone crazy.¬†Yes there are days when no matter what someone says, you don’t want to leave the safety of your home…your little nest:) That’s when you have to be kind to yourself and not make a mountain over a mole hill:) It’s just another negative day and tomorrows another day. Hopefully a better one!

So what have I¬†been doing whilst he’s been gone? Yes!!!!! Not cooking, much to my 20 year old’s distaste. (lol)
So tonight I’m taking him to the casino for dinner. Not sure if that for his benefit or mine? Probably mine! ūüôā

Had a beautiful night out with my sister and spent the next day just hanging out. Her partner is part of the boy crew:)

Not been to bed until 3.30-4am every night. Whoops! I mean day:)¬† I feel like a naughty child, as if I’m going to be sent to bed if I get caught!

I’m currently watching the Tudor Series.¬†Jonathan Rhys Meyers plays the part of Henry brilliantly… and God is he handsome!

Tomorrow I’m going to our country¬†property to see my grandsons and hug my Llama Teco. Margie still won’t let me touch her… We have this understanding where we show our love through eye contact. lol. I am looking forward to starting a new book as well: An Affair Before Christmas, by Eloisa James.

As for the coming weekend had a great offer to go to a strip club with¬†a ¬†single girlfriend and some of her gym friends… But.. No thanks! at 44 if some gorgeous hunky (more than likely gay) guy touches me, I’d probably pass out.lol

I hope you get some me time:)


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Filed under My experiences, What makes me happy