Tag Archives: mental-health

Feeling Better

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Hey guys, hows things?

Well I have had 7 ECT’s  (electro convulsive therapy) and am still in Perth Clinic.

I have 1 more ECT left which will be tomorrow, Wednesday the 19th March… MY BIRTHDAY!!

Not my favourite way to spend my birthday but I am becoming happy cheery me once again. I have cried so much I scared myself – I didn’t think that could be possible, but I did!  Perth Clinic really is a terrific psychiatric hospital. It’s like being in a 5 star hotel – even the food is restaurant quality. The staff are all personable and approachable. It feels as if you are being counselled by a friend, that’s how beautifully trained they are.  In fact, one of the nurses asked me if I have a blog, which of course I told her I do. She told me she reads this here blog and so to her I would like to say, HELLO!! Lol. You have given me some great training exercises. On top of all that, you have been so friendly and helpful and I thank you for the support and friendship you showed me during a really hard time of my life.

I am feeling better. One day at a time, but things are improving. There are a number of people that have provided unending support during these past few dark weeks, and I would like to take a few moments to acknowledge them…

A big thank you to my boyfriend. He could have left me during this hard time in my life, but he didn’t, he’s stayed by my side and for that I can truly say, I LOVE YOU! Before I felt alone for whatever the reason, but I no longer feel alone, I feel your presence. Thank you for loving me and staying by my side, I will never forget it. Your love will not be wasted on me as I love you more than words can say.

And my son, my beautiful handsome son, who has been by my side every single night. He’s a killer ladies, but I’m not allowed to show a photo of him. Lol His name is Kieran and I adore him and love him for the unconditional love he has shown me while I have been in hospital. He has been my pillar of strength and I will never forget the support he has provided. I really don’t think I would have made it if it wasn’t for him. And my sister, my gorgeous sister, I love you and thank you for your love and support in this last few weeks. This is not easy for my family to have gone through and for all their love and support I thank them immensely. They have been by my side all the way and I am so very grateful.

I am able to publish this post tonight but am unlikely to be able to respond to comments until after I am released tomorrow. On my birthday!

I have spend time at home over the last weekend. You are allowed home on weekends but this was the first time I had done so – I was too sick over the weekends before. You’re allowed home till 9pm each day on the weekend, and Kieran was lovely in assisting me in getting there and back. It felt good to be back in my home, and it was especially wonderful to spend time with my beloved Sakura.

So life will soon be back to normal for Paula. So to all of you and all of your well wishes??? I love you and embrace you for the love and support that you showed me during a very difficult time in my life.  To anyone else that is still suffering? I hug you and say be kind to yourself, one day at a time. Be kind to yourself and know we are all here for you.

Much love to you all,

hugs and much much love, Paula xxxxxx

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Filed under Fight Depression, My experiences, My treatments

Getting Help

depression

Hello my lovely bloggers,

Yep, I’ve been away from my blog way too much lately and was hoping to be back blogging this week.

Well, I am back – but not in a way I thought I would be. I went to see my psychiatrist today and we made the decision to admit me into hospital tomorrow morning (being yesterday, now). It’s not where I want to be but I have to be honest to my readers and to myself. And the truth is I just can’t make it alone right now. I kind of need a breather from life and need to get my head back down to earth and out of the hell it’s taking me into. I adore my sons, family, friends and the blogging community and this is the right course of action for me to be healthy. I’ve said it many times before that Bipolar is a tricky thing to live with, and sometimes there are things inside me that even I don’t understand why I’m feeling a certain way… I just am! There is a lot happening in my personal life and I suppose this doesn’t help the situation. I know life isn’t easy and there will always be good and bad days but this is different, this is the the time when you go “barleese! I can’t do this alone anymore I need help!”.  My doctor will play around with my medications to try and balance life out for me and I’m hopeful this will be just a few days.

Suicide is not the answer or an option so therefore I’m being responsible and getting the help I need. Perth Clinic is a lovely private psychiatric hospital and I’m fortunate that my ex-husband is still covering my health care otherwise the alternative would have been horrific for me. Our public psych hospital is definately not for the faint hearted.

Anyway, I shall be back as soon as life and Paula become one again. I urge anyone suffering in silence to seek professional help. It’s not a sign of weakness it’s a sign of courage to keep fighting the battle of the darkness to once again see and love the light.

To anyone suffering with deep Depression? Know that it is real and it DOES EXIST no matter what anyone tells you!! Seek help, reach out, shout, hell scream if you have to until someone listens to how your feeling. It’s real, it’s painful, it’s crushing, it’s lonely and believe me it’s like living in a hell. But don’t ever let it beat you!! Don’t say you don’t want to wake up tomorrow. Say you need to wake up tomorrow but need someone to stay close by you till tomorrow comes…  you can make it but not alone and not in silence! I urge you to just reach out.

Don’t isolate yourself it’s the worst thing to do. Just hang on until tomorrow and then try again. Trust me the people that truly love you will never give up on you or leave you alone if they know what’s really going on in that mind of yours. DON’T SUFFER IN SILENCE.

And most of all?  know that you are loved by more people than you would ever know or realise. Get through today and see what tomorrow brings, it’s not easy but you can do it. Take care of you and know that there are people out here that care for you and haven’t even met you, but they know and understand your pain!

Many hugs to you all, Paula xxxx

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Filed under Fight Depression, My experiences, My treatments

Depression Exists

sad-angelDepression Exists:

Well I suppose a post about Depression has been looming, right? The joys of being Bipolar.

To say that I’m hating the world and life would be a lie. I love the world but at times life overwhelms me and I’m left dazed and confused. Remember I said I had everything when I was married but I felt I had nothing? Well, I suppose this is how I’m feeling…  Yet the truth is I don’t have everything anymore but I have more than most people do so I shouldn’t complain. But what I have learnt since leaving my husband is that although I was unhappy in my marriage, there’s something so deep inside me that I’m not sure I will ever be happy. It’s like if you had a can opener and opened me up you would find one big whirly mess! Hahaha actually I think opening any of us up would be a disaster. LMAO bad example, right? Haha

That’s the one saving grace that I always seem to keep and that’s my sense of humour. I laugh at life and at myself and try not to take too many things seriously.  If I did I would fall apart too often and I need to live in this world like everyone else and not have Bipolar define me as a person. We are more than our illness.

Depression is odd and the reason it’s such a lonely place is because we don’t like to let others in, because lets face it – we don’t want to be in there ourselves, so why drag you into oblivion with us? We need you to stay happy and give us hope that tomorrow really is another day… A better one! Get through today and deal with tomorrow as it comes. Baby steps is what I always say; get up, get dressed and you’re halfway there!

Some people who meet me can’t understand why I suffer with Depression when I look so happy. Easy my fellow bloggers? I lie to me and to you that all is well and that gives me strength to get through. Might sound a little odd to you but it really works for me. A person with Bipolar may not even know why today they are sad and feeling low, they just are! I suppose that’s when I have to admit defeat and accept I have a mental illness. You have no idea how much It pains me to write those words! Ask anyone with Bipolar and they will say the same, we just don’t know why? I suppose it is just in the genetic makeup of many of us. I think I prefer the days when I know what’s pulling me down because at least I can try to rationalise with whatever’s going on in Paula’s mind and hopefully/usually work through them, and then life becomes all sunshine and roses again…. Pink ones! Haha

The problem this time is that I’m struggling internally. I know that’s a bad thing because right now there’s a lot more than I can cope with, so with a little help/shove from a close friend 🙂  I have given in and made an appointment with my psychiatrist. I used to feel asking for help was a weakness and I hated that more than anything. But over time I’ve come to realise it’s not, it’s actually a good thing because we can let it all out in an environment where there will be no judgement… Just help, and the right kind of help at that!

Suicidal thoughts can plague the mind of someone with Bipolar when they think their world is falling apart. To an onlooker their world may be completely fine, but to us deep in our souls the devil is lurking and playing with our minds. So we have to fight back with all our strength and remember what beauty our world holds and how many people love us.

To all that may be suffering in silence right now? I urge you to seek help in any way that you can, for tomorrow really is another day. It will get better – it usually always does – but in the interim we have to deal with a little pain and suffering. Some things in life are just out of our control and it’s up to us how we pass the test the universe has given us. What we must never forget is that we deserve to be here and to be happy just like everyone else. Depression wins only if we let it, but it’s not cured overnight. It takes a great deal of strength and courage to fight it.  Be kind to yourself and don’t let today ruin your tomorrow for you will never know what could have been.  Stay strong, reach out, and trust those who love you to get you through the hard times, for they need you as much as you need them. Fight for the person you once were before the Depression took hold of you. And remember when you’re down they are down too and all they want is you back by their side.

I hug you all and thank you for being there through the good and the bad times I’ve had. Please don’t worry for me as this won’t pull me down, I refuse to let it. I find a reason to smile every day because this is what pulls me through. I’m just letting you into my Bipolar mind and how at times we must ask for help.

Hugs to you all, Paula xxxxx

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Hello!

 

Bushfire

Hi there everyone, 🙂

Boy was the Christmas break full on with lots of things to do and plenty of drinking… Actually, too much drinking!

I put on about 2 kilos and are now thinking it’s about time to try and send them back to wherever it is they came from. I think they call it the the cake, chocolate, potato chip bourbon county? Not sure exactly where it is but I’m sure some of you have already had run-ins with this community. They love to leave you with a few kilos here and there and take no responsibility for it. I think i need to complain to their lord mayor, does anyone know his or her name?? Hahahaha

Okay I’ll be serious now. 🙂

As many of you know I come from Australia (Oz, or the land Down Under to some) but the city I live in is Perth, Western Australia. For those that don’t know, Sydney and Melbourne are on the East side which are much cooler States than Perth, yet Melbourne has been experiencing extremely high heats lately also! Our world is changing. 🙂 Now we recently had the Ashes (cricket) here and the poor guys had to play in 44 degrees Celsius. Let me tell you, that is scorching hot and not for the faint of heart. Now playing cricket in that and standing around for hours on end? Grueling!  I would take my hat off to them if I had one for their perseverance. And lets not forget their die hard fans that sat in that crowd cheering them on and showing their support.  I say well done to both the Aussies and the English team!! 🙂

A friend of mine took me last week to watch the 20/20 cricket game here at the WACA. Never before going to watch a game I was a little hesitant about what it would be like, but PEOPLE it was awesome!! So much fun and so exciting. The crowd were all so excited and pumped and I love the vibe and how they encourage the crowds to cheer their team on and how they play music in between the shots. It’s so cool and the game is so fast with heaps of 4’s and 6’s been hit into the crowds. If you’ve never been to one and get the opportunity to do so? I say go for it as you won’t regret it! Oh by the way Perth won over Adelaide by 5 runs, it was nail biting exciting stuff! Yet I don’t bite my nails. Hahaha

As for our weather here? It’s been hot hot hotter and then warm warm warm. Lol We have had some terrible fires that have left many homeless here in Perth but like all good cities the people have come out in their droves to support the needy in anyway they can. Losing your home would be horrific yet I still can’t help but feel for all the wildlife and domestic animals that don’t make it through these horrific fires. Just thinking about it makes you sad. Melbourne has also experienced some terrible fires lately. You know the bit that really grates on me? It’s when you find out that the fires have been lit deliberately. I know a lot of  these people are pyromaniacs and are very ill and are in need of help, but they truly have NO idea of the damage to so many lives they have ruined. They should be made to go and apologise to every single person they have affected and listen to their story and see the damage for themselves. Look in to the eyes  and see the pain and suffering they have inflicted to someone who more than likely never hurt another soul before and is now being punished for someone else’s stupidity! Then go into therapy and get help!!

And then the polar opposite to the other side of the world has been flooding storms and extremely cold temperatures. I suppose the whole world climates are changing and I don’t know if it’s to do with global warming or not, anyone have an opinion as to what’s going on in our beautiful world? 🙂 Would being kinder to our planet make a difference or is mother nature always going to have her way with Planet Earth, regardless? Hmmm the mind ponders so let’s see what you have to say?

I shall be off now so have a great week and many hugs to you all. Paula xxxxx

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Filed under My experiences, Thinking...

Hello My Blog Family!

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Hello family of bloggers,

Well, I said I would be back blogging – but unfortunately life hasn’t allowed it just yet.

My stepfather has been ill and it’s taken 7 weeks to finally be diagnosed with cancer. I have spent quite a bit of time going backwards and forwards to the hospital with my mother.

He finally starts radiation treatment in a couple of weeks.  We never know what’s around the corner waiting for us, do we? I suppose we just have to be thankful for every day we have, and show those around us how much we love them. Don’t sweat the small things, and be grateful for all we have. If we have our health?? We have all we truly need.

My stepfather has fought cancer of the prostate before, and now he has it in his leg muscle. He can and will fight it – he’s a fighter. I lost my previous stepfather, the man who brought me up, a few months ago and I’m not about to lose another. To anyone out there that’s dealing with cancer (or any other serious illness) I hug you and wish well in your fight.

This man has been my light in many dark days and I love him dearly. He’s cried and I’ve cried but now he knows what he’s dealing with? He won’t let it get the better of him. He said that no matter what he’s going to be fine. He told me I need him and he needs me… Yep, I cried! But again, he’s determined to not let it beat him.

So,  life will soon get back to some sort of normality as life has to go on. He went home yesterday and being in his own environment will be way better than sitting in a hospital bed. He can look outside at his little garden and the pretty flowers. I know he’s going to be fine as he has a great positive attitude.

Just letting you know what’s happening in my world and why blogging has taken a back seat yet again.

Miss all your blogs and will soon be back commenting.

Love and many hugs to you all, Paula xxxx

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Mental Illness

mental-illness-art-a3ce9bb6a9a7cdbcMental Illness. Instantly, this phrase can make someone nervous.

Why do you think it’s still like this in the 21st century?

We all know some of the obvious reasons – for example, the way mental illness is portrayed in many Hollywood movies. One Who Flew over The Cuckoo’s Nest, Black Swan, Sucker Punch, Girl, Interrupted; Fight Club… The list goes on.

But isn’t it talked about more often and people are more open than was once the case? I wonder, what makes someone scared? Maybe they think the person with schizophrenia is going to come at them with a knife because they saw it once on the news? Or maybe they will become some kind of poltergeist and their head will start spinning? How far from the truth! I imagine they just want you to treat them like everyone else. Imagine how hard the diagnosis alone is? And then for someone to be segregated as a result of that diagnosis?? Wow, how crushing!!

What about the Depressed person, who you think is always moaning and down. Why not put your arms around them and let them know that you’re there if they need you. Don’t try to avoid them; maybe just listen to what they have to say… Not just wait for them to finish and run away, but really listen! Sometimes that’s all someone needs. They aren’t failures or losers because they’re Depressed. Depression is very real and it’s not in their heads. If they could make it go away, they would! They want to laugh and smile again just like everyone else. They are lost and broken and need someone to help get them back on track. Whether that be by therapy, medication, love and understanding, or all of them…. Whichever the case they will get there with your love and support. You know anyone can be caught in the stronghold of depression at some point in their lives. Your one gesture of love and understanding? It can change their whole day and world! Show them love and kindness. Everyone needs love and understanding, right?

It baffles me that some members of society still judge this way. I suppose there are those that suffer greatly and at times have to be hospitalised and stabilised as a result of their mental illness, but usually this is a result of someone stopping their medication/s, or that they just need their prescriptions adjusted. I suppose when someone witnesses these turns, it frightens them and I can understand that, but again a little bit of love and understanding goes a hell of a long way to helping their recovery.

Lets take the word Normal. Can someone please explain what that means?? Not what the dictionary says, but what in REAL LIFE does this word mean?

What you think is Normal another person doesn’t! So, who is right and who is wrong?

Bipolar Disorder – You know one minute we are flying high and no one can touch us, next we come crashing down and need someone with big hearts and open arms to catch us. Sometimes we don’t see the fall until it’s too late. That’s when the climb back up to the top can be exhausting. We become our biggest enemy. Everyday we have to find something to smile about or we drown. We are just like you, but some days we stumble and need love and understand to get us back up.

OCD-Obsessive Compulsive Disorder this can be so debilitating for so many people. Yet some people make fun of this. But why? Have they had it? Do they even understand the trauma the person goes through on daily basis? They know it’s not NORMAL, but they can’t help it. It’s what makes them feel normal!

Take Anxiety Disorder, it’s crippling and yet anyone can be caught in its grip at some point in their lives. Very successful people can suffer with this. In no way does the label define the person. Breathing is like hyperventilating and you feel that you are going to pass out. Or worse, you shallow breathe and feel like you’re drowning in your own breath. You’re looking for the positives but all you see is negativity. A mole hill becomes a mountain of Everest proportions! You try to get a hold of it and then it just pulls you back down. Again, people just need your understanding and compassion.

Now this is a tricky one: Anorexia/Bulimia The things these people suffer in their daily lives are horrendous. The way they see themselves can make you cry. I’ve had both of these in my life and let me tell you, they are crippling! They/we do not see what you see. Why do magazines glorify us human beings? We aren’t perfect so why are we always looking for perfection in our bodies. We are attracted to all sorts of different body shapes, right? So, why do we think slim and perfect is the answer? Where does this come from? Even to this day as small framed as I am… I dislike my body. Actually that’s an understatement!!  It’s wrong and I know that, but trying to get this one in my head is like extracting a tooth! 🙂 Beauty is but skin deep, so how does this happen?

You know there are so many disorders out there – these are just some that people face daily.

Please don’t be afraid of what you don’t understand. These people are Normal. They just struggle at times and need your love and understanding. Not anyone’s judgement.

To all those out there that suffer with any kind of Mental Illness? I reach out and hug all of you and understand your daily struggles. We are a lot stronger  than people realise. We fight our demons every day and somehow pull through. Maybe your faith gets you through or the love and support of family and friends. Whatever the case may be, we get there. Be proud of who and what you are and what you have achieved. Never compare your achievements to another, as there will always be those greater, as well as those less fortunate. Stay strong and believe in you, for you are a beautiful soul and deserved to be loved and respected like every other human being.

Remember WE ARE  like everyone else and just want to be accepted for who we are. Our diagnosis DOES NOT define us as a person.

We can only hope it helps others understand, that some days we will struggle. And if we fall? Give us a helping hand and we will get back up and try again tomorrow. You know just that little bit of help love and understanding from those around us? We can get there! Maybe not to what you think is normal, but to what’s achievable and realistic to us. Just love us for who we are and we will love you back as you are!

I really do love our blog family/community and to you all, I for one appreciate the love understanding and friendship that you all have shown me and to those in need here on WordPress!

You have no idea how much you make a difference. That one gesture of love and understanding you show, can make that persons day and life a whole lot brighter!

WORDS ARE POWERFUL!!

Love and hugs to the whole community! Let’s not be afraid of what we don’t understand.

Hugs to you all, Paula xxxxx

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Filed under Fight Depression, Thinking..., What irks me

Falling in Love

What an interesting subject! One that comes with butterflies in your stomach, feeling of euphoria, and sleepless nights.falling_in_love-t2

Unfortunately, it also can come with heartache and, at times, a whole lot of pain, right? Lol

So – is it best to have loved completely and to have lost a love, than to have never loved at all?

I think it is.

Even with all the heartache and pain that it can sometimes come with! I think if we haven’t loved then we haven’t truly lived as life is full of risks, right?
So why not risk seeing if that person really is the one?

A sad fact is that some people fall into a deep Depression over losing their love, which is terrible. Unfortunately, you just can’t make someone love you.

Sometimes you can love someone for many years, and then one day something changes and you no longer feel the same way. Like I said it can be Depressing, painful, crushing and at times you may even feel there’s nothing worth living for. But the love you lost was still something beautiful that you were lucky to experience, right?   Would you have preferred to have not loved that person and not had those experiences with them if you had a crystal ball and could have seen it wasn’t going to last? Again a hard one. Because at the time you are so Depressed that the answer will always probably be, no, it wasn’t worth it! More than likely because we are too hurt to see anything else. Lets face it… No one wants to lose something they love, agreed? But again, at least you had that love and at that time for whatever the reason? it was the right love for you at that time.

Can love last forever and can we love more than once? I mean really love, not lust! Maybe our first love is our only true love and do we settle for second best from then on in?

Why do we always remember that first love? And now for a lot of us it can go way back to our school days. Remember, the boy you loved that didn’t know you existed! “Ouch” I do!!! Lol

I named my oldest son after my first love/crush on a boy that actually fell for my friend. I remember being devastated when they started dating and she wasn’t really fazed by him either way. Here I was, totally in teenage love and she was like, Meh whatever! Take him or leave him. Noooo you leave him and I’ll take him. 🙂 Guess what? It never happened. LMAO I only hope all these years later he found his true love and lived happily ever after, Not!!! Lol  Okay that’s mean, I take it back. Haha

We learn early that we can’t always get what we want…. Just like the song, right?

You can’t always get what you want

But if you try sometimes well you just might find

You get what you need!! 🙂  Hey, ask Mick Jagger he knows. LMAO

People come and go from our lives; they touch our hearts and souls and then sometimes then leave us, for whatever the reason/reasons.  We cry, feel crushed and think there will never be a love like that one. Yet time heals everything and before you know it? Love has touched you again. Your world is once again shining. When you’re in love… You are impenetrable! And this is why when it leaves us, we fall apart! But, sometimes they have to leave us to make way for the one! Yes, that’s right – another one…. But this time this is The One!!

Because love will always feel like, The One!! 🙂

Therefore, I believe we are all in the right place and doing what we are supposed to be doing and no matter how painful and how many people we love and have lost? IT IS BETTER TO HAVE LOVED THAN TO HAVE NOT LOVED AT ALL!

That person has helped mould you to the person you are today. Whether that be good… or bad.

We Love Learn And Grow!!

I’ll never stop loving because I want to know I’m alive! 🙂

Oohh and for reference in case your thinking I’ve fallen in love? Well, I have! It’s with the whole world, My blog family! Lol

So, do you think you can truly be in love more than once in your life? Or have you been one of the lucky ones and held onto that childhood sweetheart?

Love and hugs to you all. May you keep loving forever!

Hugs again, Paula xxxxx

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Filed under Fight Depression, What makes me happy