Tag Archives: meltdown

What Darkness Means To Me

Sad

What darkness means to me!

So do I hide this side of me? Or do I let you in? 

I’ve decided to let you in!

To me, it’s a place to hide from myself when I can’t or don’t want to face reality. Rather than face my demons head-on I retreat into the emptiness of my brain. At times it feels safe in there; other days it’s scary and I can’t find my way out.

Crying doesn’t help because I’m not crying out loud.  Screaming doesn’t help because I’m not one to scream! I’m crouching in a corner of my mind – crying, sobbing cradling my body… Where is everyone, can’t you see me?… Can’t you hear me?…My hand is reaching, out but no one is taking it.

A lifeless black hole that feels no pain and has no feeling.

Your heart’s broken your mind no longer your own. What about your soul! What soul? Is there a god?… If so, why does he sit back and do nothing? You need to breath, but every time you come up for air something reaches up and pulls you back down. Leave me be! Just let me breathe for a second,  I can’t swallow, I’m drowning!

Where’s all the beauty gone. This can’t be happening. I’m better than this! Why do you rob me of love and happiness, haven’t you taken enough from me?

This is MY DARKNESS, one I don’t want to drag anyone into. I’m keeping my mind focused so this darkness doesn’t one day take me away…

(SIDE NOTE):

Don’t let this post bring you down! As I said, it’s a dark place, but this is what I, along with many others that suffer with a mental illness, go through.

I wrote this when I was down but didn’t publish it. I decided to share it now just to give you insight as to what happens when Depression hits someone with Bipolar. (manic-depressive)

One minute I’m flying high.. Next I crash and don’t even always know why!!!

If you are feeling like this, know it will pass and tomorrow WILL  be a better day. Force yourself out of bed… (you must do this or the bed will win along with Depression). Go for a walk and look at all the beauty that surrounds you. If it’s sunny? Close your eyes and feel the warmth of the sun on your face and feel how it energises you. Go and hug your pet. Go walk on the beach and feel the sand between your toes and listen to the waves gently crashing. Write a list of all the things that are pulling you down. No one will see them unless you show them but this will help get it our of your head. Throw it out to the universe and let it go… You don’t need it! Lastly, I embrace you and surround you with love. Be strong!

 To those that follow me, please don’t worry because I’m totally in a good place right now. *hugs to all of you*

I’m in good spirits and really am ok!!!

Remember, I’m just letting you in! I wrote this back in December 2012. Right now my mind and body are healthy.

I write this for those that live in silence as I once did. This is what no one see’s beneath the smile.

Hugs to you all…..xxx

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Depression Exists

sad angel 1

Depression Exists:

Tonight I fell apart in a way I haven’t for ages and ages. At first I was really disappointed in myself… Then, I realised it’s okay to be sad.

I think I have been holding things in for sometime and maybe it was time to come out, and not eat me from the inside out. I’ve been down that road before and I never want to go down that road again.. For my sake, and for that of those who love me. My cat Sakura has felt my emotions and stayed close by me. I love how animals pick up on this and stay close by. It’s almost like having a guardian angel looking out for me. I hug her and instantly everything inside me starts to calm down.

Depression is something I know I live with but I’ve managed to keep it at bay. Being Bipolar I don’t feel exactly different from what someone would refer as “normal” (whatever that is anyway). But I can’t be silly and have to take responsibility for watching out for my moods. I mustn’t get too low or Depression wins the fight… And then the battle begins to see which one of us will defeat the other. Once Depression wins it’s an uphill battle with many obstacles placed in your way to get through it. One day those obstacles are nothing but once Depression wins… They are everything!

You all know by now I smile through everything. It’s been my way of coping my whole life. I felt if I didn’t smile I would crumble and get sucked into this huge Abyss. This is still true and that’s why I must keep smiling. But not a fake one… A real one, that tells me and the world that I’m okay. Really okay!

I’m not a confrontational person. I run from conflict and hate arguments with a passion. I’m not capable of winning them that’s why I avoid them. This is what’s half my problem, not being able to say how I truly feel. Nobody wants  to argue but some people are better at it than others. I am bad at it. Maybe this is my problem I run from things and don’t stand my ground. Maybe I should have been born an ostrich! Lol

Anyway, to those of you that helped me through this day… I thank you! 🙂

Hugs to you all Paula xxx

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Depression Exists

Angels

Depression:

Depression is so cruel and can sneak up on you at any point if you don’t keep your mind active.

Depression is lonely and isolating.

Depression is cutting and deep to your soul.

Depression is not a sign of weakness. Your just lost!

Depression is dark and cold.

Depression is something that robs you of all rational thinking!

Depression is not something that defines you as a person.

Depression is curable!

Depression is something that once you come out the other end, you are stronger than before!

Depression is something that many of us may experience at some point in our lives. Death, breakups, your lost, money problems, jobless, homelessness, rape, abuse, mental illness etc etc We are more than just someone suffering with Depression. We are mothers, fathers, wives, husbands, sisters, brothers, friends, co-workers etc. and this is just a part of us that has come undone. You will get better! It may take time, therapy and medication, but you will prevail! At the time it never feels like it and there are just days you want it all to end and I understand that. But never give up on yourself. You are strong brave and courageous, if you weren’t you would never have made it this far in life. Life throws all kinds of things at us every day… It’s like we are constantly being tested. Fight the urge to give in and if you can’t find the strength for yourself, find it in your heart to get better for those that love you. And there are plenty that love you! Even as you are now, if you’re a mess they are mess and always remember that. You haven’t failed. You’ve done the best job you can so far. Who knows whats around the corner? Try stay positive and focused. Something amazing could be waiting for you. It’s just not the right time now. Where there is darkness there is always light, believe in that and your halfway there! I hope your world is shining and try to not let life get you too down. You are beautiful just the way you are – and never forget that! Some things in life are just hard to understand but at the end of the day, we are all playing our part…. No matter how big or small that part is! You are worthy and you have not failed!!! You are just being tested! So pass the test. It’s not an easy one and there are no easy answers. Deep down there is no right and wrong you just need to find that inner peace again.

Love  light and hugs to you all….Hugs Paula xxxxx

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Finding Faith in Myself

Sad Angel

I have returned from a holiday and, although it was a great break,  my personal life (as you now know) is in turmoil.  The urge to give in is easy but I’m not looking for easy this time. I’m not perfect – far from it! But I’m a good person and won’t let anyone take that from me. Life is strange and at times it can be hard to understand why certain things happen to us. Depression is an awful road and an easy one when things aren’t as we hoped they would be. But now at 45 years old I sit back and think “not this time. I’m better than this and someone – whether it be a God or the universe – has a plan for me. I’m going to believe it’s a good plan and just go with the flow, I’m not going to let the unknown get the better of me, because I know I deserve better”.

Maybe I should have made better choices in life. But then again, maybe this is what was meant to be. What if everything is just as it should be? Then I have to trust in destiny and fate. Be grateful for everything I have had and all the experiences I’ve been lucky enough to have. I have been loved and felt love. I am not going to accept that this is all that’s left. People change, life changes and we have to accept that change in us and know it’s a part of this bigger picture we call life. Be true to yourself and accept responsibility for your failings. Maybe they weren’t failings, maybe they were just a part of what was meant to be. We all grow and learn by our mistakes, but that’s just it… We have to let them go and move forward! Nobody is perfect. Who wants perfect anyway? Just be you and one day the right person will see the real you through all those failings and nothing else will matter. So I will stand tall and face whatever life wants me to do next. Because life is too beautiful to throw away. I want to know what’s waiting around that corner. Whether it be good or bad!

Do you think I’m on the right track or have I verged too far south! lol

Hugs Paula xxx

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Depression Exists (Part 3)

97_Crying Tears_Silva

Depression Exists!

Do you remember my Depression Exists post that mentioned Jon Rappoport’s view and how he felt that depression and mental illness did not exist? I don’t blame some of you for feeling angry and annoyed at his comments. I was deeply offended by them!

Depression and mental illnesses can be so debilitating, then to read an article like that… Well, let us just say that it can stir old and new emotions. But his post got me thinking about the day I planned to kill myself. *sorry* Stop reading if you’re not up to it!!

I had been thinking about suicide for a really long time. But, for argument’s sake, let’s just say I had  been surfing the net and come across his article at that pivotal moment in my life. I would have felt even worse thinking that nothing was wrong with me and that it was all in my head! I was already struggling with so many “What’s wrong with me? Why am I crying none stop in my head?” issues.

There was no light, only complete darkness. Smiling was easy; I’ve done it most of my life. But if you looked  into my eyes? I suppose nobody does that! But if they had, they would have seen the confusion and pain I was in. My mind was lost to some evil darkness that wanted to take me away. The pain I was going to cause my family was the only thing that stopped me.

Each day I woke and as the days went by I would think “Not today, because my son needs me for this, and then Not today, because he needs me for that?”.  Then the day came when darkness has taken you far away from reality. It’s won! Today WILL be the day! Waking up in the hospital is the biggest pain to bear. Having your family see you in that condition is horrendous. They cry and just want to hold you. You cry in shame and despair!….
Two years later this still brings tears to my eyes.

This man has NO idea what it’s like to suffer a deep depression!  It’s almost worse knowing the significant experiences that contributed to your mental state – abuse and rape are so debilitating to mental balance.

How can he say there’s no evidence to prove this! My God, when someone’s raping you and taking all your dignity away… How can you be left whole after such an experience? Depression ensues… And not the fictitious kind!

I became pregnant and as a result had the pregnancy terminated. You have no idea what that does to your mind and soul. Did I still have no right to be depressed?

Sexual abuse as a child became part of my life. I prayed to God to help me.  I don’t think I have forgiven him for never coming to my aid. Depression is REAL.  It cripples you, especially when life has been so cruel and hurtful. Depression Does Exist and don’t let anyone tell you it doesn’t!

I used to hunt the internet for anything and everything that was out there concerning Depression. I wanted an answer, any answer! I just needed to know that everything was going to be okay and others out there had been where I was right now and had survived!  The day I gave up, I asked God if he was real and listening.  I asked him to forgive me for what I was about to do to my family. I’ve said it before and Ivonne even put the words in a song called “I was bleeding tears”.

Suicidal thoughts did not just appear.  Deep depression had been mounting for months… And then years. When you make the decision there’s almost an eerie calmness that engulfs you; you feel relieved and saddened at the same time. You look around and see things differently. You see more detail in everything. At night I would lay in my bed look at the ceiling and tears would just stream down. My husband lay there sleeping, unaware of what I was going through. Suffering in silence is painful and SO wrong! It’s hard to face our demons but if we don’t, we lose and they win!

Because of this I’m really mindful these days what I post. Being Bipolar 2 and having Depression isn’t an excuse or reason for me to not try and enjoy my life as much as you or anyone else. Depression is like being in a really turbulent relationship. One day you’re flying high, next you have to walk on eggshells trying not to provoke a negative reaction from yourself.

I’ve decided that Depression has controlled me for too long now and that I want to take back control of my own life. I’ve come to realise that nothing will ever take away the pain and sadness that I sometimes have to deal with, but I can say that I refuse to be a victim any longer. Those that harmed me have won if I let another day go by living in the past! Physical and mental pain is so hard to let go of, but how can we move forward if we don’t. I want to live and put my past to rest!

Having Bipolar 2 I am also aware that I will have days where I am on this roller coaster ride of emotions that I have to learn to embrace. It’s me, I’m like you… But different. When I love? I love deeply. When I feel pain? I am crippled. When I laugh? I feel ecstatic. When I cry? You don’t see it! When I’m lost? It’s a dark and cold place. At times I’ll let you in, and at times I’ll shut you out.

I want to save the world, but I can’t. I want us all to be equal, but life say’s No! I want there to be no racism, but life says No! I don’t want a child to go to bed hungry, but all I can do is donate.. So yes, children will still go to bed hungry. Life isn’t fair, but I can only control my own destiny. I don’t care whether someones black or white. We are all one, aren’t we?

So, does depression Exist? Yes, it does! But we have to learn to let go of our pain and know that so many people love us and we just have to reach out for help. Don’t let depression win, fight as you would to keep someone you loved! Because at the end of the day, that someone is you! And you are worth loving!

If I could tell me Back Then what I have learnt since, it would be along the lines of …

Dear Me Just Over Two Years Ago:
If you’re reading this, firstly – I know you won’t respond. But you will be reading. Now listen up.
It’s a really fine line that you are walking between life and death. Please believe in yourself, don’t give up. However horrible the pain is,you can pull through. You have made it this far! You’re a lot stronger than you think.
Nothing will ever take away the sadness, hurt or pain that you are feeling, but through time or therapy you can slowly start the healing process. You’re beautiful and special in every way.  Don’t be or feel alone. Reach out! Call a crisis hotline and just cry into the phone!  They will support and guide you in the right direction, and that kind of support is invaluable.
I realise you’re feeling physically and mentally drained and that it really does feel like you simply can’t take anymore. But you’re wrong! Don’t leave those that love you. You really will hurt them deeply and scar them for life.
If I could jump through the screen right now, I would.  I would just hold you and let you know that everything will be alright. Please don’t give up. Fight. Believe in your God if that helps. Talk to him. Talk to someone. Reach out.

Let’s try to let go of the pain and start a new beginning in 2013.

Paula xxxx

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A word from me to you

Hello

I just thought I would have a chat about depression. I speak – amongst other things – about what the situation was around my breakdown, how I should have asked for help, and how much blogging means to me now.

When I say that Depression can be cured… doesn’t necessarily mean you won’t need medication to aid this.. It depends on what type of depression your suffering!

Paula x

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Depression Exists

Depression Exists:

Sometimes you need to sit back say nothing and just listen… Shhhhhhhh…
Try it! Calm your mind.

Why? Because if you listen closely and you’re not just lining up to speak next, you can hear so much more!

You can hear the sadness the loneliness of so many people around you. All trying their hardest not to let their guard down.

But you’re still, and you’re finally listening. They can’t hide. You’re hearing them for the first time.

*peace and sadness in one breath*

Can you imagine that?

So do we actually listen to someone? OR ARE WE ALL JUST LINING UP TO HAVE OUR SAY????????

Depression is so much more than being lonely or sad or whatever. It’s deep and cutting to your very soul. We try to hide, not wanting people to see what’s really going on.

When Depression has you in its grip how easy it is to  block everything else out around you?!

Breathing in and out, again!  How easy is it for tears to just roll down your face. WHY? Because we hold onto so many things, and suffer in silence!

You don’t need to cry out loud because you’re already bleeding tears on the inside.

Don’t be afraid! Stop hiding! You need to just let it out! Get rid of it! And know it will soon pass!!

Breathe away the disappointment the pain the sadness the feeling of never feeling good enough etc… Get rid of it all!!!!

It’s like a poison and you don’t need it eating you from the inside out.

Having depression and crying all the time serves us no purpose!

We need to slow down  take a deep breath and try put things back into perspective!

Work through one problem at a time. Remember – Rome wasn’t built in a day!

If you know someone suffering in silence and don’t know how to approach the subject, just go and put your arms around them and let them know you’re there! You have no idea how much that will help them!!!

Do you ever just stop and listen?

image source

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