Tag Archives: medications for depression

Health Update

Fantasy Fairy

Hey world, how are you all? I have so missed you and your blogs.

Well, I came out of hospital like I said on the last post which was my birthday. I was relieved to be back home with my Sakura and my birds, Pippa and BJ.

I was allowed home on the condition I have maintenance ECT’s once  a week. So I go into hospital every Wednesday, have the ECT on Thursday morning and come home mid-morning. At first I wanted the Doctor to stop them as I had enough, but the truth is I think I need to keep up with them. Why you say? Okay, I’ll tell you! Lol

You see when you have Bipolar, life can be darn right tricky and at times you can be fooled into thinking everything is okay… When really, it’s not. Admitting you have a problem isn’t an easy task, actually far from it. Someone like me, who likes to smile and joke around, finds it difficult to come out and say “I need help”. I tend to keep it hidden deep inside me and it takes all my strength to hold on and not let the negative thoughts take over my head.

I love everyone around me and I have a great support network of people who love me,  but when you’re sliding into the darkness you try hard to not take them with you. In saying that, those around me want me to offload the burden onto them as they feel it will make life easier for me. As mush as I would love to do that, I still haven’t found the courage or the strength to reach out for help and take them into my darkness. There are times when I am alone and cry and ask God if he is real, please save me and let me have peace in my mind just like everyone else. I’m not religious as many of you know, but I’m a good person and feel if he is real he just might answer my prayer and one day make me free from this illness.

When I go into hospital my heart goes out to so many of the people there. We all take life and our health for granted, but what happens when our mental health goes haywire and we are left with this burden of trying to work out what life is all about and where we fit in the big picture of it all! I have a great life, filled with great friends and family, yet when darkness knocks at my door? I can try to ignore it but in the end I’m forced to answer it because the bell won’t stop ringing. So I let it in and then I’m forced to work it all out. Now at first it ignores me and stays swarming all around me, engulfing me in its darkness. But I want – and need – to live, so I have to look deep inside my soul to find the courage and strength to beat the darkness.

I stay away from dark coloured clothes as my Doctor says this is a good thing to do. I love black so I force myself into brighter colours when darkness looks like it could win. Some days it’s all so hard and I just want to sit down and say, No More! If it wasn’t for all the people I love so much I really would just give in. But NO!! I won’t and can’t let those that have loved me so dearly in life feel punished by my death. When we die a part of everyone that has loved us die as well, and that’s not fair.

There are many parts to Paula, and even though she fights the darkness, from time to time another part of her pushes her to keep going because happiness is there and soon it will engulf me and not the darkness. I will be free and happy and this is what keeps me going.

I appreciate every single one of you that has sent me well wishes, and your strength gives me courage to keep going. I am more than someone with Bipolar, I’m a mother to 2 beautiful sons (22 and 30) I’m a sister to 4 brothers and 1 sister, I’m an Aunt to 15 children, Mother Cat to my gorgeous Sakura and my 2 birds 🙂 I’m a friend to many beautiful and wonderful people. And I’m a girlfriend to an amazingly beautiful  man who has stuck by my side through all this ugliness that took over my body and tried to claim my soul. It’s all of these reasons that I’m fighting so hard to keep on track. And I will succeed for I can’t have these people’s lives ruined because I wasn’t strong enough to fight the battle with in.

I felt as if I should share this side of me. This is a blog about Depression, right? I am making myself be honest about my thoughts and feelings, baring myself to you. No one likes talking about Depression, but it’s real and it’s engulfing and terribly ugly. Breathing is like hyperventilating and you wonder how you’ll get that next breath out. It’s cruel and lonely no matter how many people are on your side you feel alone.

To anyone out there suffering in silence, I embrace you and urge you to tell someone, don’t be alone and fight the battle with no one on your side. Reach out to anyone that you trust and ask for help. You’re not crazy because your suffering with Depression – or any other mental disorder… You have just hit a bump in this things we call life. Don’t isolate yourself for you are a wonderful human being that deserves to be here as much as anyone else. Saying you need help is not a weakness, it shows great courage. Don’t give in, for you are worth the fight. I may not know you but I know your pain and feel your sadness. Tomorrow really is another day, so hold on and reach out for help. You’re beautiful and I know that there must be people around you who would support you and be at your side in a flash if they knew that they could lose you. Be strong, and hold on to whatever makes you happy.

Before I go, I just wanted to tell you all that I miss reading all of your blogs. Please forgive me if I don’t get around to answering or reading all your posts. I will do my best, but like I said it’s not a great time for me so I can only do so much right now. I really wanted to just touch base with you all and let you know where my health is at. I will give it my best shot to check out as many blogs as I can. But I’m not sure how far I’ll get. Much love to you all and I’m so grateful to all of you that have stuck by me during this dark time in my life.

Many hugs to you all, Paula xxxxxx

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Filed under Fight Depression, My experiences, My treatments

Getting Help

depression

Hello my lovely bloggers,

Yep, I’ve been away from my blog way too much lately and was hoping to be back blogging this week.

Well, I am back – but not in a way I thought I would be. I went to see my psychiatrist today and we made the decision to admit me into hospital tomorrow morning (being yesterday, now). It’s not where I want to be but I have to be honest to my readers and to myself. And the truth is I just can’t make it alone right now. I kind of need a breather from life and need to get my head back down to earth and out of the hell it’s taking me into. I adore my sons, family, friends and the blogging community and this is the right course of action for me to be healthy. I’ve said it many times before that Bipolar is a tricky thing to live with, and sometimes there are things inside me that even I don’t understand why I’m feeling a certain way… I just am! There is a lot happening in my personal life and I suppose this doesn’t help the situation. I know life isn’t easy and there will always be good and bad days but this is different, this is the the time when you go “barleese! I can’t do this alone anymore I need help!”.  My doctor will play around with my medications to try and balance life out for me and I’m hopeful this will be just a few days.

Suicide is not the answer or an option so therefore I’m being responsible and getting the help I need. Perth Clinic is a lovely private psychiatric hospital and I’m fortunate that my ex-husband is still covering my health care otherwise the alternative would have been horrific for me. Our public psych hospital is definately not for the faint hearted.

Anyway, I shall be back as soon as life and Paula become one again. I urge anyone suffering in silence to seek professional help. It’s not a sign of weakness it’s a sign of courage to keep fighting the battle of the darkness to once again see and love the light.

To anyone suffering with deep Depression? Know that it is real and it DOES EXIST no matter what anyone tells you!! Seek help, reach out, shout, hell scream if you have to until someone listens to how your feeling. It’s real, it’s painful, it’s crushing, it’s lonely and believe me it’s like living in a hell. But don’t ever let it beat you!! Don’t say you don’t want to wake up tomorrow. Say you need to wake up tomorrow but need someone to stay close by you till tomorrow comes…  you can make it but not alone and not in silence! I urge you to just reach out.

Don’t isolate yourself it’s the worst thing to do. Just hang on until tomorrow and then try again. Trust me the people that truly love you will never give up on you or leave you alone if they know what’s really going on in that mind of yours. DON’T SUFFER IN SILENCE.

And most of all?  know that you are loved by more people than you would ever know or realise. Get through today and see what tomorrow brings, it’s not easy but you can do it. Take care of you and know that there are people out here that care for you and haven’t even met you, but they know and understand your pain!

Many hugs to you all, Paula xxxx

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Filed under Fight Depression, My experiences, My treatments

Mental Illness

mental-illness-art-a3ce9bb6a9a7cdbcMental Illness. Instantly, this phrase can make someone nervous.

Why do you think it’s still like this in the 21st century?

We all know some of the obvious reasons – for example, the way mental illness is portrayed in many Hollywood movies. One Who Flew over The Cuckoo’s Nest, Black Swan, Sucker Punch, Girl, Interrupted; Fight Club… The list goes on.

But isn’t it talked about more often and people are more open than was once the case? I wonder, what makes someone scared? Maybe they think the person with schizophrenia is going to come at them with a knife because they saw it once on the news? Or maybe they will become some kind of poltergeist and their head will start spinning? How far from the truth! I imagine they just want you to treat them like everyone else. Imagine how hard the diagnosis alone is? And then for someone to be segregated as a result of that diagnosis?? Wow, how crushing!!

What about the Depressed person, who you think is always moaning and down. Why not put your arms around them and let them know that you’re there if they need you. Don’t try to avoid them; maybe just listen to what they have to say… Not just wait for them to finish and run away, but really listen! Sometimes that’s all someone needs. They aren’t failures or losers because they’re Depressed. Depression is very real and it’s not in their heads. If they could make it go away, they would! They want to laugh and smile again just like everyone else. They are lost and broken and need someone to help get them back on track. Whether that be by therapy, medication, love and understanding, or all of them…. Whichever the case they will get there with your love and support. You know anyone can be caught in the stronghold of depression at some point in their lives. Your one gesture of love and understanding? It can change their whole day and world! Show them love and kindness. Everyone needs love and understanding, right?

It baffles me that some members of society still judge this way. I suppose there are those that suffer greatly and at times have to be hospitalised and stabilised as a result of their mental illness, but usually this is a result of someone stopping their medication/s, or that they just need their prescriptions adjusted. I suppose when someone witnesses these turns, it frightens them and I can understand that, but again a little bit of love and understanding goes a hell of a long way to helping their recovery.

Lets take the word Normal. Can someone please explain what that means?? Not what the dictionary says, but what in REAL LIFE does this word mean?

What you think is Normal another person doesn’t! So, who is right and who is wrong?

Bipolar Disorder – You know one minute we are flying high and no one can touch us, next we come crashing down and need someone with big hearts and open arms to catch us. Sometimes we don’t see the fall until it’s too late. That’s when the climb back up to the top can be exhausting. We become our biggest enemy. Everyday we have to find something to smile about or we drown. We are just like you, but some days we stumble and need love and understand to get us back up.

OCD-Obsessive Compulsive Disorder this can be so debilitating for so many people. Yet some people make fun of this. But why? Have they had it? Do they even understand the trauma the person goes through on daily basis? They know it’s not NORMAL, but they can’t help it. It’s what makes them feel normal!

Take Anxiety Disorder, it’s crippling and yet anyone can be caught in its grip at some point in their lives. Very successful people can suffer with this. In no way does the label define the person. Breathing is like hyperventilating and you feel that you are going to pass out. Or worse, you shallow breathe and feel like you’re drowning in your own breath. You’re looking for the positives but all you see is negativity. A mole hill becomes a mountain of Everest proportions! You try to get a hold of it and then it just pulls you back down. Again, people just need your understanding and compassion.

Now this is a tricky one: Anorexia/Bulimia The things these people suffer in their daily lives are horrendous. The way they see themselves can make you cry. I’ve had both of these in my life and let me tell you, they are crippling! They/we do not see what you see. Why do magazines glorify us human beings? We aren’t perfect so why are we always looking for perfection in our bodies. We are attracted to all sorts of different body shapes, right? So, why do we think slim and perfect is the answer? Where does this come from? Even to this day as small framed as I am… I dislike my body. Actually that’s an understatement!!  It’s wrong and I know that, but trying to get this one in my head is like extracting a tooth! 🙂 Beauty is but skin deep, so how does this happen?

You know there are so many disorders out there – these are just some that people face daily.

Please don’t be afraid of what you don’t understand. These people are Normal. They just struggle at times and need your love and understanding. Not anyone’s judgement.

To all those out there that suffer with any kind of Mental Illness? I reach out and hug all of you and understand your daily struggles. We are a lot stronger  than people realise. We fight our demons every day and somehow pull through. Maybe your faith gets you through or the love and support of family and friends. Whatever the case may be, we get there. Be proud of who and what you are and what you have achieved. Never compare your achievements to another, as there will always be those greater, as well as those less fortunate. Stay strong and believe in you, for you are a beautiful soul and deserved to be loved and respected like every other human being.

Remember WE ARE  like everyone else and just want to be accepted for who we are. Our diagnosis DOES NOT define us as a person.

We can only hope it helps others understand, that some days we will struggle. And if we fall? Give us a helping hand and we will get back up and try again tomorrow. You know just that little bit of help love and understanding from those around us? We can get there! Maybe not to what you think is normal, but to what’s achievable and realistic to us. Just love us for who we are and we will love you back as you are!

I really do love our blog family/community and to you all, I for one appreciate the love understanding and friendship that you all have shown me and to those in need here on WordPress!

You have no idea how much you make a difference. That one gesture of love and understanding you show, can make that persons day and life a whole lot brighter!

WORDS ARE POWERFUL!!

Love and hugs to the whole community! Let’s not be afraid of what we don’t understand.

Hugs to you all, Paula xxxxx

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Filed under Fight Depression, Thinking..., What irks me

Depression Exists? (Part 2)

Depression Exists: Along with many other Mental Illnesses!   Yes or No?

Have a look at this interesting post all about someone stating that they do not believe in mental disorders.

Make sure you then click on the link about mental disorders as well!

As far as I’m concerned these exist. But at times wish it wasn’t true! So what happens when you tell the millions of people suffering world wide… it’s NOT!   This is what I recently read about them NOT EXISTING and that we are all being conned!  It’s a very controversial post.

I pondered as to whether or not to talk about it. But what the hell! You be the judge.

Have a read and tell me what you think. Just don’t shoot the messenger!

*smiling* …….Paula xxx

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Filed under Fight Depression, Uncategorized

Headaches

OMG! I have had sooo many of these since taking meds and stopping meds.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I can’t always blame Seroquel for everything! *smiles*

I totally suck when it comes to drinking water!.. My poor body is probably soooo dehydrated. Drinking 1 glass a day is a huuuge effort for me. So with the warmer weather now upon us… I’m going to make drinking water one of my priorities!

Along with ramblingsfromamum‘s affirmation she gave me:

Hello, Brand New Day – I Am In Control & You Will NOT Beat Me!!!!

Maybe throwing a slice of lemon in the water might help?

I’m off to see my Llamas… Have a great weekend everyone!!

Paula x

p.s. I had some technical issues with the video I planned to post… I will take more footage this weekend and try again when I come back.

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Happy People

The best thing we can do for ourselves when we are down is to gravitate towards Happy People. 

Now I realise that when you’re down, Happy People can actually be really annoying! You’re not feeling happy, so why have someone bubbly around?

My personal experience with this has shown me that 9 out  of 10 times these happy people let off positive/happy/healthy endorphins. You can’t help but laugh with them, or smile back at them.

What we read and watch also impacts on how we feel. Stay Happy and Healthy by only reading and watching THINGS THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY!

When my mood is low… I now make a point of going to the blog sites that make me laugh or smile.

There’s one in particular that makes me crack up!!! It is incredibly politically incorrect and that’s what makes me love it even more… If you take life seriously then you would detest it…. I don’t want to take life too seriously any more, I want to laugh and joke around like I once did:)

I refuse to let Depression define me as a person.. I’m not “oh, that’s Paula, she’s Bi-Polar and suffers with Depression and tried to commit suicide”. No.
I am “Paula, who at times speaks without thinking, and asks people private things that maybe one shouldn’t. Is overly happy at times and other days distant. But she Loves her family, friends, grandchildren, and pets and tries her hardest to not let life beat her”. I love most people and I don’t won’t to be referred to as the first Paula. Why would I?

Happiness is what we are all striving for.

I search for the perfect cupcake. I talk to my son and grandchildren. I shop (a lot) – retail therapy is amazing! But only what you can afford.:) I want to be near happy people, because I want what they’re having:) They’re just high on life, how cool is that…

Find what makes you smile and stick with it. Don’t let yourself get that low that there’s no reasoning with you. Being negative is easy, so challenge yourself to be Happy:)

Baby steps..

My Llamas make me feel so relaxed and happy when I’m around them. I’ll take some footage of them on the weekend and post it. Hopefully they will make you smile too:)

Laughter is better than any medication we can take:)

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Decreasing medication

Okay it may not seem the smart thing to do, but each person to their own!

I’m in a good place mentally and I feel now is the time to give it a go…

You see my weight gain has been driving me crazy, and I know I’m not alone out there! So, what to do? Yes I go up and yes I go down… even whilst taking medication. Does it make bi-polar symptoms less intense?  Sure! But at what cost?

NIGHTMARES, WEIGHT GAIN, CRAVINGS, SLEEPING TOO LONG, OR NOT LONG ENOUGH?  FORGETFULNESS, LIGHT-HEADEDNESS, VAGUENESS, LACK OF SEX DRIVE (yep! not much happening there), I FEEL DISTANT… I could go on and on, and on…………..

Being mentally healthy is at the forefront of all my decisions, for myself and for my family. But then, I have been through a great deal in my life  without being medicated, and somehow always made it through.

So, over a 2 week period, I weened myself off the Lithium. My psychiatrist appointment is in 2 weeks, so I shall inform him then. He’s actually very good and isn’t one of these doctors that lectures you about staying on your meds forever and ever…. Staying mentally healthy isn’t just about medication!

If I feel I’m getting too high or too low and can’t control it, then I’ll re-think the Lithium.

Now, Seroquel:

Seroquel is a great med for me. Yes, it has its disadvantages but unfortunately I need a least one med to keep me balanced. BUT it’s time  Seroquel  takes a little backseat as well. I have now decreased it to 200mg at night. Not much at all.

How am I feeling? Not brilliant but not bad… My bloating is going down and my weight is no longer increasing. In 2 weeks I’ve gone from 60 kilos to 58 kilos. Who Cares? I do! Does it make me feel mentally happier? Hell Yes!

What some doctors and heath professionals seem to forget is that whilst all the meds are there to keep you mentally healthy, they underestimate the mental stress that weight gain causes. It plays Hell with your mind.

Looking our best is a major part of how we feel about ourselves. That’s not vanity, it’s pride.

So I wait and monitor myself. Eat well, stay focused, stay positive, go for walks, and don’t beat myself up about everything… Not everyday is going to be a happy day. Life’s full of ups and downs, even for the mentally healthy. Don’t let anxiety rear its ugly head. Breathe…

Don’t take life too seriously and stay happy and healthy. (Healthy body… healthy mind.)

I’ve decreased my meds before and have been successful. My older post on medication will show you how many meds I once took.

I shall be Victorious!!!!!!

Sorry I couldn’t help myself I’ve just finished watching the 1st and 2nd season of Spartacus… If you love blood and gore you will love this series. Sorry, not that into girly movies:)

PLEASE NOTE – NO ONE SHOULD STOP THEIR MEDICATION WITHOUT PROFESSIONAL GUIDANCE. THESE ARE JUST MY EXPERIENCES AND I ENCOURAGE EDUCATED ACTIONS.

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Filed under My treatments