Tag Archives: Goals

Depression Exists! (Part 1)

sad tears

Depression Exists.

Depression exists to the point of numbness! You literally don’t know where to start and which problem to deal with first.

I say first because it’s usually a gradual process of things that have lead you to where you are today. Nearly all of us have had it coming for some time, slowly slowly… Another thing to keep silent about.

Thinking becomes painful. What’s happening to me? Am I going crazy?

Then we plead to God to help us. Even a nonbeliever like me has begged him to help. Has he come? I don’t know. But I do know that at that very point of despair we get this inner strength that helps us to keep fighting, and not give into the temptation of our negative thoughts. Thoughts that we’re not good enough or have failed in some way. But we haven’t failed! Lost and confused however? Yes!

Depression exists. So many share these thoughts. And for those that do not support this fact, are you seriously suggesting that millions of people worldwide “fake” the same illness? That so many commit suicide for the hell of it? Not being able to lead a normal, healthy life because they want attention? Are you serious?????

People suffering Depression don’t want anyone to feel sorry for them! They just want to feel healthy again, and be what society deems NORMAL.

They want to laugh!
Go to work everyday without worrying  if it’s going to be their last; fearing they may lose their jobs from the amount of days they’ve called in sick!
Continue with the sport they once loved!
Be able to meet up with friends and family – and actually enjoy being there!
To be able to face their family without fear of feeling like a failure!
Go to school or Uni without feeling like an outsider and failing to produce results that they once breezed through!
Not lay in bed, crying for days…. Thinking they can’t face another day!
They don’t want to argue with their spouses out of shear frustration of not knowing what to do to make them understand –  when they themselves don’t know what to do!
Isolate themselves as they feel they no longer fit!
Enjoy singing or playing a musical  instrument that once gave them joy!

I could go on and on!!

Please p l e a s e don’t tell these people it’s all in their heads.

Be helpful…Be sympathetic….Be hopeful….Be understanding….Be kind.


There are so many reasons people suffer depression –  they just might not tell you their life story. The pain they could be dealing with is one you are lucky to have not encountered.

Don’t judge until you have walked in their shoes!

Paula x

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Filed under Fight Depression, What irks me

OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder!)

If there is one thing that people who know me would say, it’s that I am a clean freak. *smiling*

So what happens when you are OCD and like this?

Okay. Firstly, you very rarely like sitting still and that can drive you crazy! I tell myself  not to worry about that cup in front of me that I’ve only just finished drinking from – but it’s staring at me, judging me for being lazy and doing nothing, when I should be doing something! *laughing*  Seriously. This is what my crazy brain does to me. So I have to get up and put it in the sink, dish washer or clean it and put it away where it belongs! I know that I am definitely not lazy but that still that doesn’t stop my brain from judging me every time it sees something (anything!) out of place.

I’ll give you an example of the way my brain works! Change your sets if you are squeamish folks, *This is scary and weird!*

One day my brother came over and made out he was getting a drink or something from the kitchen. He calls out, “Paula can you come in here?” Sure! The moment I came through the door, I could feel my heart racing a million miles an hour. I’m not joking I was practically hyperventilating  OMG!

“What have you done?” I stammered, at least partially incoherent.

“Nothing. Why? What’s wrong?….”

He had opened every cupboard and drawer in the kitchen and had emptied the contents, well as much as the benches would take, onto them!…. My brain went into over drive and I didn’t know what to do… okay – do I laugh or do I cry?  Then he wants me to go sit back down in the lounge room as if nothing had happened and just ignore that my  kitchen looks like a department store! Are you serious?  He goes can I make you a cup of tea or something? No. I just want to clean this all up!

My son and brother where laughing and trying to get me to see that it was nothing and it can all just go back into the cupboard! I’m still going OH. MY. GOD. NO! Why, why did you do this?

Seeing I was getting overly distressed they hugged me and said don’t worry about it. It’s nothing, so don’t let it bother you. As if I could just sit down and accept this intrusion into my well-ordered world without a worry in the world. Well thanks guys but that’s not working . YOU are not trying to deal with the blown fuse in my brain right now!…*still in shock*

What did this teach me?

Mainly that my son and my brother when they get together are dangerous to my mental health?!


No. Seriously,  after it was all put back and my world was tidily compartmentalised again, the way the kitchen was supposed to be according to the organisation chart in my brain *smiling*, it showed me just how ridiculous my OCD had become.

I no longer take medication for OCD as I’ve kind of worked through a lot of the behaviors. I say “behaviors” because that’s what I believe they are, at least it seems that way to me.  Usually my family will bring it to my attention and I kind of go, Oh yeah! okay Paula, stop it! Like without even realizing it I tap my index finger up and down, spelling out words for the things I see around me. Scary and weird I know! *laughing* But 9 times out of 10 i am not even consciously aware that I’m doing it!

Personally I believe Anxiety is the killer. If you don’t stay calm in certain situations then your OCD may rear it’s ugly head. Like yesterday….my daughter-in-law came running to me saying that my Llamas were out of their enclosure!

“What? How?” I bellow – not thinking, just reacting.

She stammers back to me “Someone must have left the gate open!  Cam has gone looking for them.”

Finally my brain works out what is going on, and now I panic. Holy shit, the Llamas are out! No! No! No! No! I can’t stay calm, I’m just cursing inwardly and outwardly. Stay calm! I frantically try to assure myself. How to find them? How to get them back to their pen? Let’s see… What do they love the most? Food!  Okay. I quickly grab some Alpaca Mix and jump on the back of the motorbike with my son, and head off to the back of the property. I am yelling out their names, all the while feeling sick in my stomach with worry, when finally I see Margie. And Teco. I try to talk to him – “baby boy! where are you? Teco baby…” It feels like forever but finally this beautiful Llama of mine swings his neck around a tree to see what all the racket is about, and sees me. Thankfully, we found them. It took a lot more coaching to get them to follow me back to the front of our property…..Seriously, my anxiety was through the roof as we have no boundary fence and if they had gone in that direction I would have lost them! At one point I just wanted to sit down and cry because I just couldn’t get Margie to go back into her paddock. Just when I am near the end of my tether, she finally relents, and gallops in! All I can do is let out a big lungful of air. *Phew* Thankfully, all has ended up well.

So how does someone like me who checks rechecks, double checks and works through lists of things, make this kind of mistake? How on earth did I not remember to close that lock? No more trying to understand it or I’ll drive myself crazy. I have to just forgive myself and let it go, otherwise the next step would be paranoia and I’ll end up putting a 24 hour guard around them. No, I would! *laughing my head off*… In all seriousness that unlocked gate business will never, ever happen again! It may not have seemed like it from the way I have told the story but staying calm and taking a deep breath helped control my anxiety, which has the advantage of keeping my  OCD at arms length!

How I deal with this side of my personality now is that I force myself to ignore things that are out of place, and I tell myself that my house doesn’t need to look like a show home! Why? because that’s what it is! A home!! I know that but I still need to remind myself of the fact. Also, stay calm and let the anxiety run through your body like a cold shiver.

I’m still going to wash my hands more than the norm but no longer to the point of getting dermatitis. Still going to check the front doors locked a few times before going to bed, but no longer fret that I should have checked it again. Still going to check that the power switch to the kettle and toaster are turned off before going to bed but not constantly throughout the day. Part of me is always going to be a bit Compulsive and a bit more Obsessive but I have come to the understanding that it’s just learning little tricks and pathways and procedures and thoughts that remind me how to cope!

Definitely it’s a working progress *smiling*  To those that struggle daily as a result of their Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, I wish you well with trying to find your own special something that gives you that ever so elusive peace from this terrible disorder.

Do you Obsess about anything?

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Filed under My experiences

Happy People

The best thing we can do for ourselves when we are down is to gravitate towards Happy People. 

Now I realise that when you’re down, Happy People can actually be really annoying! You’re not feeling happy, so why have someone bubbly around?

My personal experience with this has shown me that 9 out  of 10 times these happy people let off positive/happy/healthy endorphins. You can’t help but laugh with them, or smile back at them.

What we read and watch also impacts on how we feel. Stay Happy and Healthy by only reading and watching THINGS THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY!

When my mood is low… I now make a point of going to the blog sites that make me laugh or smile.

There’s one in particular that makes me crack up!!! It is incredibly politically incorrect and that’s what makes me love it even more… If you take life seriously then you would detest it…. I don’t want to take life too seriously any more, I want to laugh and joke around like I once did:)

I refuse to let Depression define me as a person.. I’m not “oh, that’s Paula, she’s Bi-Polar and suffers with Depression and tried to commit suicide”. No.
I am “Paula, who at times speaks without thinking, and asks people private things that maybe one shouldn’t. Is overly happy at times and other days distant. But she Loves her family, friends, grandchildren, and pets and tries her hardest to not let life beat her”. I love most people and I don’t won’t to be referred to as the first Paula. Why would I?

Happiness is what we are all striving for.

I search for the perfect cupcake. I talk to my son and grandchildren. I shop (a lot) – retail therapy is amazing! But only what you can afford.:) I want to be near happy people, because I want what they’re having:) They’re just high on life, how cool is that…

Find what makes you smile and stick with it. Don’t let yourself get that low that there’s no reasoning with you. Being negative is easy, so challenge yourself to be Happy:)

Baby steps..

My Llamas make me feel so relaxed and happy when I’m around them. I’ll take some footage of them on the weekend and post it. Hopefully they will make you smile too:)

Laughter is better than any medication we can take:)

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Filed under What makes me happy

House Sold!!!!

house sold

Yes, all that hard work, a storm, and $60,000 later.

We accepted an offer tonight. Yaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!

They have 21 days to get finance approved, so I’m staying positive and excited:)

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Filed under My experiences, What makes me happy

How great to be so happy, with so little


A home falling down

Another home on the river

Well, I’m back!

I had a really great time and feel really relaxed, and my body got some much needed vitamin D:) It was humid, but the warmth was great.

We went on a small powered boat through the river to this amazing temple. Along the way I thought I would take a few pictures (as you do) of the homes. I tried to find something nice to take a photo of, but all I saw was this great amount of poverty. Yet if I spoke to any of those home owners I’m sure they are all very grateful for what that have, and would be proud of what they have achieved. They tell me that the Thai people are a very proud race and are extremely gentle people. Which I would say, after being there that, is true. Someone told me that they are grateful for having a roof over there heads as not everyone does, and there is a great deal more people much worse of than that. Wow I couldn’t get my head around that, all I could see was homes that looked like they were about to collapse into the water, held up by whatever material they could find.

How amazing would it be if we could all feel like that:) we’re all too busy thinking about the things we don’t have, rather than been content with what we do. Goals are a great way of staying focused, but at the same time they can be crushing if they’re not realistic. I can’t say they would be happier than the person that has everything, but I’m sure they don’t waste hours of negative energy wishing they had more. They just get on with trying to feed their families, and keep a roof  over their heads, no matter how bad that roof is.

Now, no-one wants to live like that, and nor do I think we should, but wouldn’t it be nice if we could all be content with what we do have. Which is a great deal more than them.

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