Tag Archives: Courage

It’s all over now baby blue.

Hello World!

What a beautiful world and planet we live in.

Have a great week from Down Under! Hugs Paula xx

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Merry Christmas, everyone!

Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle all the way!!

 

Not long now before the big man in the red suit to comes along and brings many  smiles across the world.

 

Sending loads of Aussie warmth to all of you having a white Christmas in the Northern Hemisphere! 🙂

 

Hope everything is well with you all, enjoy the times you spend this month with friends and family.
Hugs, Paula xx

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Depression Exists

Thought I would touch base with the rest of the blogging community as I’ve kind of drifted away again.

When I say drift, I mean that life kind of threw the curve ball at me with my Step dad dying;  It’s now been nearly 3 weeks and I’m feeling a little better, as is my mum. He’s still very much in our hearts, but it makes you realize that life has to go on or else you would fall apart every day and then what good are you to anyone, or even yourself for that! You know when sometimes in life you make the wrong decisions, or you take the wrong turn in life and you regret the hell out of whatever bad choice or decision you have made? Well, I think from all the bad things in my life Ray was the one constant good thing that was a part of my life, so when that person goes; a part of you goes too.
At the funeral my eldest son came up to me and hugged me and said: “That would have been you if you had committed suicide and we would have been here for you.” I hugged him and cried more, because I knew he was right. Now when I’m feeling  a little low and I think life is too tiring, I think about what he said to me and let me tell you, it resonated with me!

Suicide is a selfish act, my psychiatrist always reminds me of this but sadly when a person gets to that point, they just don’t see it as that, they just want their pain to go away and apart from that, there’s not too much thought. From my point of view, it’s because you have already gone through all the if’s and but’s and there’s no real answer other than you’re unwell and all logic is out the door. It’s kind of like your pain or their pain, it’s a no-win situation. Who suffers more, you or them?
The problem is when someone is that far gone from reality you’re usually not their to save them, only they can do that and sadly more times than not, they lost the battle for life.

I suppose this is very depressing and an awful subject, but one that is sadly happening everyday somewhere around the world and for all different reasons.
Like you and me I suppose, if we knew someone was about to commit suicide and we could do something to help, we would! However in most cases it’s a silent killer and one that’s usually been thought about for some time and no matter how much we thought we could have stopped it, I don’t think we could.

So, what can we do in these situations?
Personally I think it’s to be more aware of those we love and whom we know are struggling with life in one shape or another and to just be there for them; not just want them to hurry and finish their story, but to really sit there and listen to what’s troubling them. It’s incredible how many people have no one to confide in.
Depression is a sad lonely place to be and it holds no race or prejudice, anyone can be seduced by it; I say seduced, as all our beliefs at that point can’t seem to help us, they have been pulled too far away from our reality and that’s when suicidal thoughts begin. Life feels hopeless and things just aren’t going to get better, but they can and will; Life is full of ups and downs and we have to learn to take the good with the bad, even when the bad is down right ugly and unforgivable.
I say believe in you, and all the great things you once stood for; remember the songs you once loved and singing them out loud in your car and all the memories they would bring? You didn’t care who was listening because they made you happy and bought back great memories, remember your favorite foods like your mum’s pasta or nanna’s cake she baked, and your favorite restaurant where they greeted you as if you were family? Or just the smell of certain foods that still trigger great memories. Gosh I still remember getting my first Choo-Choo bar!
It was made from aniseed and really hard to bite and my tongue and mouth would be black. Lol.  Even as a kid when my life was sad and awful in parts this still brings back great memories; What about your first car you bought and how happy you felt, even if it was a wreck you didn’t care because it meant you had freedom to go wherever we chose, right?  or your first girlfriend/boyfriend and the butterflies you got in your stomach when you saw them, your first pet or the pet you have now whom you love and adore. They fill us with unconditional love and we need them as much as they need us; these are the simple things in life that we forget and that can trigger happy memories. Life can be hard at times, and seem unfair but hold on and just try to get through this day and see what tomorrow brings. You’re not no one, you are someone special and many people love you and would be lost without you, stay strong and remember what greatness could be waiting around the corner for you, never give up on you!

So remember, that one act of kindness you give to a loved one, friend or colleague could mean everything to that person. It’s so easy to walk away from trouble than to actually take the time to listen to what someone in need has to say, even if they don’t tell you but you see something’s not right, ask, “are you okay?” That’s all it sometimes takes.

Think of this, We give money to charities to help the needy so why can’t we spare a bit of our time to those who are struggling and need guidance and help? They need it just as much as the charities, if not more!

Hugs to you all. Paula xx

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GoodBye

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I wrote a post earlier this year about my Step Father being diagnosed with Cancer.

He was so strong and determined to not let it beat him and he won the fight. His hair grew back and he could walk again without a walking stick because his balance had once again returned.

My mum and him went to the South of France for 5 weeks to get away and just relax after all the illness Ray had suffered earlier in the year. But on Thursday we lost this man, the man we all loved and admired so much.

My mum and step father only arrived back in Australia on Monday and by Tuesday he was taken by ambulance to hospital in excruciating pain. He had became unwell 2 weeks ago in Europe but was determined to stay and meet up with his family from the U.K.

So here was this man in excruciating pain and who could barely walk got on 3 planes to make it back to his home.

They did a scan on Tuesday which relieved the cancer had spread to his Lungs, Liver and Lymph Glands. He could barely breathe, it was terrible to see him in such pain and not be able to do anything.

So the Morphine gradually increased over 2 days and by the 3rd day (Thursday) his breathing slowed and he passed away peacefully. My mum is still in shock as they both believed it had gone. I like many of us would have loved to talk to him and ask how his holiday was and how he was feeling, but it wasn’t meant to be. Clearly he stayed strong till his feet hit the ground in Australia and he felt at ease being back home.  The room was full of tears and people that loved him very much. He came conscious to tell us all to be brave and that he loved us all and thanked us for being there. The room was full of love and sadness at the same time.

When I was sick earlier this year and suicidal he told me we would make a deal, if he can beat the cancer then I too can fight the darkness that was engulfing me. He said we can live for each other. I would see him and he would cry and then I would cry but for 2 different reasons. He was fighting to live and I was fighting to find the will to live. When he died last Thursday I cried so much that my mum came from the hospital with my sister and stayed with me. I think I would have been pulled back into a dark cloud had they not come, so I’m really grateful for that. I think Ray was watching over us all. So Ray, I will keep fighting my darkness for you. You were strong when I was weak and I didn’t get to do the same for you, but I love you with all my heart and will miss you everyday. I can’t help but cry as I write this because I want you back, but I know I can’t. I hope that wherever you are, you are at peace. Tomorrow will be my last chance to kiss you goodbye, but you will forever be in my heart.

I already miss you so much.  I love you. xxx

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Living with a black dog

Hi everyone!

My son’s girlfriend showed me this really helpful guide for people living with depression and people living with people who have depression.
It’s called: “Living with a black dog” and can be purchased here.

The site has other illustrated books that help control other mental illness such as Anxiety, they were written by a man who also suffers and as such they’re much more relatable.

In a collaboration with the World Health Organization, they’ve released a narrated video of the book.
I think everyone should check it out as it’s very insightful and helpful.

Hugs and kisses! 🙂
xoxo

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Sydney

Hello World,
How’s life treating you all?

Now, I expect an answer to that question!
Well only if you wish to divulge it to the whole world, right? I say do it! Hahaha.

A few weeks back I had the opportunity to go to Sydney for 1 week, it wasn’t really planned so I hummed and hared about whether or not to go; then I thought, why not!

I’ve been many times, but never to Wollongong so it was fun and exciting to see a different part to Sydney. I am from Perth which is located on the West coast of Australia and Sydney is on the East Coast; it is 3,936 km from Perth to Sydney, which is a total flying time of 5 hours – or 42 hours driving, to give a few of you a perspective on this distance: A flight from London to Washington D.C is 7 hours. Moscow to London is a 4 hour flight or 30 hour drive and from Washington DC to Las Vegas (Woohoo!) is 4 and a half hours flying or 36 hours driving.

Sydney and its surrounds contain 20% of the entire population of Australia! It was the site of the first British colony in Australia, established in 1788 and it was originally going to be named ‘Albion’.
It is home to many iconic Australian landmarks such as the Sydney Bridge, which is the widest spanning steel bridge in the world and it took 272,000 litres of paint for the original 3 coats. It is rumored that at one point, a team of painters was permanently employed to paint the bridge, as once they had finished the job, it was time to paint it again!

M’ from Nepal  lives there and had said at one stage that if I ever come to Sydney to contact her, but because it was such a last minute thing I was hesitant to contact her and say, “Guess what, I’m in Sydney” 🙂 Long story short, we did meet and it was great! M came with her husband AS and what a beautiful young couple they are! They are both originally from Nepal, so M arranged for us to meet at an Nepalese restaurant; The food was so full of flavour and the desserts were so good that I went to a Nepalese store and bought the dessert to come back to Perth with! Call me crazy but I was unsure if we had it here in Perth. 🙂

M showed us photos of her wedding to AS in Nepal. Wow! Let me tell you what a colourful and beautiful tradition they have for getting married, the ceremony goes for 10 days. Can you imagine that? We get tired for just the one wedding day, never mind 9 more days after that, right? 🙂 My high heels would be killing me.! Hahaha.  M is the first blogger I’ve met and I hope one day to meet more of you out there! M has met about 4 other bloggers and I’m totally jealous! Hahaha, I can’t think of anything better than meeting more of you; M doesn’t show her face on her blog so out of respect for M I didn’t take a photo of us. 🙂
We are like a  giant community from all walks of life, yet we share one thing in common and that’s a respect for each others thoughts and ideas. Everyone is very supportive of each other and that’s what I love, no one is out to hurt anyone and in part we are all just letting each other into a small part of our world and sharing something that’s passionate to us; whether that be in the form of poetry, art, food, travel, random thoughts and ideas, mental illness, religion, spirituality, photography or a writer. Basically there are many, many topics that are written about and this is just a small example of our community.

We all get busy, and blogging is NOT the only thing in life we do, but it’s a special part of us that we all share.
So from me to you and you and you and you! 🙂  I thank you all for the time and effort that you give to the the blogging community and the rest of the world, If I’m having a bad day you have no idea how coming to the computer and reading your posts or comments can put me in good spirits, so for that I thank you!

Now if this is how I feel and I imagine that many others do too, your blogs do more good than you will ever realise.

So have you met any fellow bloggers?

Many hugs to you all, Paula xxxx

I’ve attached a few pictures of Sydney that I’ve found (I did not take these photographs!).

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Depression Exists

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Hey fellow bloggers, hope all is well with you all! 🙂

You probably have noticed that I’ve commented on some of your posts, but once again have neglected my own blog.

I did say I was ready to return to blogging and that I had most of my life all sorted, but the truth is I suppose it takes longer to fully recover than I realized, or at least wanted to accept!

To go through what I did was pretty horrific and to be honest I think I was being a little optimistic about my recovery. To return to everyday life seems easier than it really is, the fact that I had become suicidal and was put into hospital isn’t really that traumatic to me; now I know you’re all going: “WHAT THE”, right? 🙂 I’ll explain, you see being Bipolar can come with many things the average person doesn’t have to cope or deal with, unfortunately some of us were just genetically dis-positioned right from the beginning.
For me, it’s not rare for my brain to think suicidal thoughts; the difference is knowing when or if you’re going to act on them. There are many people with Bipolar that deal with this, not just me and I truly feel for them. At times I can get confused with what exactly I’m thinking and at what level is the depth of that thinking, is my brain just obsessing and playing with the idea?
Can I reason with it, can I ignore it, or am I going to push the limit to see how far it will take me to the darkness?

My brain almost plays with the idea, it’s like a continuous questioning inside my brain and yet there isn’t any right or wrong answer, that’s the part that scares me. Damned if I do and damned if I don’t. Kind of like having schizophrenia, yet you don’t actually have schizophrenia. It’s like this constant chatter and questioning of yourself.

When I get really bad, my mind almost dares me to do it and once again all rational thinking is gone out the door! Life for me growing up was very traumatic and I had many bad things happen; although I am safe now and nobody can hurt me anymore, my brain when unwell, plays the bad events over and over. Some so much so, that I can’t cope and all I want to do is go to sleep… but I don’t ever want to wake up. I often wondered: is it today, or will it be tomorrow that I can no longer keep fighting the darkness.

My doctor has told me I’ve climbed mountains in my life and made it to the other side, that the past can no longer hurt me; I know he’s right, but at the time that is NOT what my brain tells me!
I suppose you could call me a working progress and believe me I can’t wait for the day when my past no longer controls my present!

I have a lot to live for, but when this happens to me I can’t see how to get there. This is why I’ve had shock treatment in the past, it works much more effectively and quicker than anti-depressants to stop the suicidal thoughts.

So what was so horrific about me going to hospital? It was the fact that I WAS about to act on those feelings and had lost all reasoning inside my brain and all I wanted to do was give up on life. Everything felt too hard when all I wanted was peace and happiness, but it wasn’t there because my past continues to plague me, the problem is; I don’t like to talk about what’s going on in my brain when this happens. For two reasons: One, I don’t won’t to worry anyone and Two, I struggle to let people in and I shut down.  If it wasn’t for my boyfriend insisting I went to my Psychiatrist, I wouldn’t even be here to write this. That’s how bad I was. Once again the past had taken control of my brain and I wasn’t able to stop it.

When I’m in remission: life is grand and everything has it’s place and I smile from morning till night, but when I become unwell, all logic flies out the door!  To me there’s nothing but obstacles and it’s at this point when I need all the love, help and understanding I can get! When this happens to me, I believe it’s not really me; it’s that little girl that gets lost inside my brain and she can only see the darkness which terrifies her, and she becomes frightened all over again. The past becomes the present, and the present seems like a distant dream.
She cries on the inside and smiles on the outside, because that’s how she survived the trauma; nobody could hear or see her pain and so she learnt to hide it. This pain went on for years before she finally got strong enough to say, no more! Yes, I am now a woman but I think there’s a part of me that’s broken and I must find peace for that girl inside or she will always be broken.

Life is definitely better than it was for me in March of this year and I’m thankful to everyone that has loved me so much to get me to this point, everyone deals with all kinds of hurtful things in their lives and I suppose we just have to work through one thing at a time. We have to forgive those that have hurt us so badly and somehow find an inner peace within ourselves. The past is the past and we have to look forward to the future or we will never really find true happiness.
Their poison will keep festering within our souls and bleed through our veins, so we must flush the poison out.

If you have dealt with trauma or know someone who has? I hug you and my heart truly feels for you. We have to try and move forward  to a bigger brighter more peaceful future.

Those that have hurt us have already robbed us of so much so lets not allow them take anymore, we all need to take back control of our own lives and destiny. A life where they no longer control us or our thoughts.

Remember, What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger! Believe in you and how strong you are to have made it to today, and every other day before that. You may not feel strong, but you are! You are reading this which tells me you are looking for ways to heal yourself and that’s how it starts, people say to forgive and forget; I say forgive, but never forget because we must remember to never allow anyone like that into our lives again. Trust is not given it’s earned, I wish you well in your quest for happiness and to heal yourself. May the universe or your god keep you safe and give you the life you truly deserve; One free of pain and suffering.

Right now I’m reading a book called:  8 Keys To Safe Trauma Recovery
By Babette Rothschild

My Dr recommended it to me. If you feel like reading a self help book on Trauma Recovery it’s not bad. 

Those that follow me regularly, please do not worry as I am healing and doing all the right things.

Exercise is the main one and believe me it works. Those happy endorphin’s are running through my blood. 🙂

I wish you peace love and happiness.

Hugs to you all, Paula xxxxx

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