GoodBye

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I wrote a post earlier this year about my Step Father being diagnosed with Cancer.

He was so strong and determined to not let it beat him and he won the fight. His hair grew back and he could walk again without a walking stick because his balance had once again returned.

My mum and him went to the South of France for 5 weeks to get away and just relax after all the illness Ray had suffered earlier in the year. But on Thursday we lost this man, the man we all loved and admired so much.

My mum and step father only arrived back in Australia on Monday and by Tuesday he was taken by ambulance to hospital in excruciating pain. He had became unwell 2 weeks ago in Europe but was determined to stay and meet up with his family from the U.K.

So here was this man in excruciating pain and who could barely walk got on 3 planes to make it back to his home.

They did a scan on Tuesday which relieved the cancer had spread to his Lungs, Liver and Lymph Glands. He could barely breathe, it was terrible to see him in such pain and not be able to do anything.

So the Morphine gradually increased over 2 days and by the 3rd day (Thursday) his breathing slowed and he passed away peacefully. My mum is still in shock as they both believed it had gone. I like many of us would have loved to talk to him and ask how his holiday was and how he was feeling, but it wasn’t meant to be. Clearly he stayed strong till his feet hit the ground in Australia and he felt at ease being back home.  The room was full of tears and people that loved him very much. He came conscious to tell us all to be brave and that he loved us all and thanked us for being there. The room was full of love and sadness at the same time.

When I was sick earlier this year and suicidal he told me we would make a deal, if he can beat the cancer then I too can fight the darkness that was engulfing me. He said we can live for each other. I would see him and he would cry and then I would cry but for 2 different reasons. He was fighting to live and I was fighting to find the will to live. When he died last Thursday I cried so much that my mum came from the hospital with my sister and stayed with me. I think I would have been pulled back into a dark cloud had they not come, so I’m really grateful for that. I think Ray was watching over us all. So Ray, I will keep fighting my darkness for you. You were strong when I was weak and I didn’t get to do the same for you, but I love you with all my heart and will miss you everyday. I can’t help but cry as I write this because I want you back, but I know I can’t. I hope that wherever you are, you are at peace. Tomorrow will be my last chance to kiss you goodbye, but you will forever be in my heart.

I already miss you so much.  I love you. xxx

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35 Comments

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35 responses to “GoodBye

  1. Oh Paula, my sincere condolences at your loss. He sounds like a wonderful man and a fighter till the end. He left his footprint in this world and it will forever remain. Take care and many hugs to you and your family. ❤️xxx

  2. Al

    I was in tears as I read this. I am so, so sorry Paula. He hid it from everyone so you wouldn’t worry about him when he was away.

    Just because he is gone does not mean he isn’t looking after you now. You have my email address if you need to talk

    (((((HUGS)))))

    • Hi Alastair, I’m still crying too, so I’ll be brief. Thank you for your friendship and kind words. I’ve been too upset to write anything. I’m doing my course and I laugh and joke with them all, but then I get home and just cry. I loved him so much and it’s hard to think he’s not going to be there anymore. It’s all just too sad. Love Paula x

  3. i’m so sorry for your loss. – beth

  4. aww I am sorry Paula

    *Hugsss*

    You must keep fighting though, he is watching.

  5. Dear Paula, I’m so sorry to read your sad news. Your Stepfather sounds like a real rock and I’m sure he will be sorely missed. You’ve written such a beautiful tribute here, and the photos are very special. Sending you and your mom lots of love and hugs. xx

  6. A lovely tribute to this man who you obviously had much love and admiration for. I’ll be keeping you and your family in my thoughts

    • Hi Bradley, I’m really struggling to hold it all together, but I don’t want to let him down. I loved him so much and he loved me and it’s hard to think he’s really gone. It’s like a bad dream. Thank you for your well wishes. Hugs Paula x

  7. So sorry for your loss, Paula. Hugs and love from USA. xoox

  8. I am crying as I write this. He sounds like an amazing man. I am so sorry for your loss.Hugs and love from me and the girls in Palmdale.

  9. So sorry for your loss Paula *hugs* *hugs*

  10. I’m so sorry, big sis 😦

  11. I am so terribly sorry for your loss. He sounds like an extraordinary man. He gave you light when yours was fading away. Remember him and be strong for him. I am sure he will feel it, from wherever he might be. May his soul rest in peace. Be strong, my friend. Love & several 20 second hugs (I ve heard and recently tried them out, they actually do make such a difference). xxx

    • Hi T, thank you. He really was an amazingly supportive step father and I miss him so much. It feels like he’s been gone forever but it’s only 1 week. I know he’s now at peace but I suppose it’s the selfish side of me that want’s him back. Hopefully in days to come the crying will get less and I can think of all the happy memories, and not feel so sad all the time.
      I love that idea for the hugs, I’m going to try it. Thanks again. Paula xx

  12. Yourmumknowsbest

    I cried when I read your post Paula, I am so sorry for your loss, your step dad was a ourageous and friendly man, I am sure he will be looking over you for the rest of your life.
    Stay strong as my thoughts are with you
    I am sending Big hugs to you

    • Thank you for the hugs, I needed them. He was a great fighter and very welcoming of new people. I really hope he is looking down on me and guides me in the right direction. Meaning the direction that is right for me as many times I don’t know which way to turn. Love to you. Paula x

  13. I am so sorry for your loss my friend, you can have as many virtual hugs off me as you like today. My thoughts are with you and your family and I am proud to see you are still fighting.

  14. I’m so sorry for your loss. Beautifully written piece.

  15. Hi Paula. I just visited your blog and read this post. I’m so sorry to hear that. He sounds like a strong man. You should be strong, too.
    Love from Indonesia. Be cheers! Anggi

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