Health Update

Fantasy Fairy

Hey world, how are you all? I have so missed you and your blogs.

Well, I came out of hospital like I said on the last post which was my birthday. I was relieved to be back home with my Sakura and my birds, Pippa and BJ.

I was allowed home on the condition I have maintenance ECT’s once  a week. So I go into hospital every Wednesday, have the ECT on Thursday morning and come home mid-morning. At first I wanted the Doctor to stop them as I had enough, but the truth is I think I need to keep up with them. Why you say? Okay, I’ll tell you! Lol

You see when you have Bipolar, life can be darn right tricky and at times you can be fooled into thinking everything is okay… When really, it’s not. Admitting you have a problem isn’t an easy task, actually far from it. Someone like me, who likes to smile and joke around, finds it difficult to come out and say “I need help”. I tend to keep it hidden deep inside me and it takes all my strength to hold on and not let the negative thoughts take over my head.

I love everyone around me and I have a great support network of people who love me,  but when you’re sliding into the darkness you try hard to not take them with you. In saying that, those around me want me to offload the burden onto them as they feel it will make life easier for me. As mush as I would love to do that, I still haven’t found the courage or the strength to reach out for help and take them into my darkness. There are times when I am alone and cry and ask God if he is real, please save me and let me have peace in my mind just like everyone else. I’m not religious as many of you know, but I’m a good person and feel if he is real he just might answer my prayer and one day make me free from this illness.

When I go into hospital my heart goes out to so many of the people there. We all take life and our health for granted, but what happens when our mental health goes haywire and we are left with this burden of trying to work out what life is all about and where we fit in the big picture of it all! I have a great life, filled with great friends and family, yet when darkness knocks at my door? I can try to ignore it but in the end I’m forced to answer it because the bell won’t stop ringing. So I let it in and then I’m forced to work it all out. Now at first it ignores me and stays swarming all around me, engulfing me in its darkness. But I want – and need – to live, so I have to look deep inside my soul to find the courage and strength to beat the darkness.

I stay away from dark coloured clothes as my Doctor says this is a good thing to do. I love black so I force myself into brighter colours when darkness looks like it could win. Some days it’s all so hard and I just want to sit down and say, No More! If it wasn’t for all the people I love so much I really would just give in. But NO!! I won’t and can’t let those that have loved me so dearly in life feel punished by my death. When we die a part of everyone that has loved us die as well, and that’s not fair.

There are many parts to Paula, and even though she fights the darkness, from time to time another part of her pushes her to keep going because happiness is there and soon it will engulf me and not the darkness. I will be free and happy and this is what keeps me going.

I appreciate every single one of you that has sent me well wishes, and your strength gives me courage to keep going. I am more than someone with Bipolar, I’m a mother to 2 beautiful sons (22 and 30) I’m a sister to 4 brothers and 1 sister, I’m an Aunt to 15 children, Mother Cat to my gorgeous Sakura and my 2 birds 🙂 I’m a friend to many beautiful and wonderful people. And I’m a girlfriend to an amazingly beautiful  man who has stuck by my side through all this ugliness that took over my body and tried to claim my soul. It’s all of these reasons that I’m fighting so hard to keep on track. And I will succeed for I can’t have these people’s lives ruined because I wasn’t strong enough to fight the battle with in.

I felt as if I should share this side of me. This is a blog about Depression, right? I am making myself be honest about my thoughts and feelings, baring myself to you. No one likes talking about Depression, but it’s real and it’s engulfing and terribly ugly. Breathing is like hyperventilating and you wonder how you’ll get that next breath out. It’s cruel and lonely no matter how many people are on your side you feel alone.

To anyone out there suffering in silence, I embrace you and urge you to tell someone, don’t be alone and fight the battle with no one on your side. Reach out to anyone that you trust and ask for help. You’re not crazy because your suffering with Depression – or any other mental disorder… You have just hit a bump in this things we call life. Don’t isolate yourself for you are a wonderful human being that deserves to be here as much as anyone else. Saying you need help is not a weakness, it shows great courage. Don’t give in, for you are worth the fight. I may not know you but I know your pain and feel your sadness. Tomorrow really is another day, so hold on and reach out for help. You’re beautiful and I know that there must be people around you who would support you and be at your side in a flash if they knew that they could lose you. Be strong, and hold on to whatever makes you happy.

Before I go, I just wanted to tell you all that I miss reading all of your blogs. Please forgive me if I don’t get around to answering or reading all your posts. I will do my best, but like I said it’s not a great time for me so I can only do so much right now. I really wanted to just touch base with you all and let you know where my health is at. I will give it my best shot to check out as many blogs as I can. But I’m not sure how far I’ll get. Much love to you all and I’m so grateful to all of you that have stuck by me during this dark time in my life.

Many hugs to you all, Paula xxxxxx

image source


Filed under Fight Depression, My experiences, My treatments

33 responses to “Health Update

  1. One day at a time, one moment at a time, always with the hope that the next moment will be a better one. But yes, share too. Stigma goes both ways, when one suffers, they don’t wish to share that. But Loved ones want to help, to understand as much as they can, but unless people reach out, to share, they never will. It is hard, to share suffering. This is what I always ask though, would you not want to help them? The answer is always yes of course. Sharing the other way though, asking for help. This is so much harder to do.

    The not wearing dark colours, is good, it is the same as forcing yourself to be happy, pretending…. Again very hard to do and it seems a waste of time, even annoying. Happiness is like depression. Both are contagious. Brain chemicals are tricky and it is not always medications only that can sort them out. When we listen to sad songs, Don’t go out. Close blinds, do nothing… depression grows, it feeds on this. Forcing activity, exercise of any type, social encounters.. it all helps release those chemicals. So hard to do though.Depression tells us not to try.. Depression lies. So yes, share, because you would do the same for your friends, your loved ones, they all deserve the same opportunity to help you, if you are suffering. Never suffer alone.

    *super big hugs*

    • I’m in hospital and just read your comment. I wish you were closer because I would hug you for understanding! Exercise makes a huge difference, I just need someone to motivate me. 🙂
      I hug you and thank you again for understanding. Xxxxxxx

      • We should always reach out to our loved ones, friends and family without feeling we are a burden, because they are probably wondering, if we reach out, we help them understand rather than building a wall they can’t get over.

        The internet made the world smaller though, 🙂 friends can be found half way across it, reaching out to them too, makes us all stronger.

        I think you are awesome, embracing ECT is so scary, yet often so effective.

        Exercise can release more brain chemicals than meds, it too becomes addicting, that rush you get. Tis hard to convince yourself to try it. There are no side effects…. except for the nice tired feeling you have at night when you sleep. 😉

        Hugs are nice. 🙂

      • You made me smile. Super hugs. Xxxxx

  2. big hugs…depression is such a lonely place

  3. I’m so glad that you have a wise doctor and lots of support from friends and family, Paula. You have been on my mind, and it’s great to hear of your progress. Hugs and love to you. xx Sylvia

  4. Al

    There’s nothing to forgive Paula. You are going through a difficult patch right now, so you are doing what you can. Get yourself back on your feet so we can all sing and dance and play together again.

    Did you get my birthday card? I sent it from an online place so not sure if you got it.

    Take care of yourself Paula.

  5. Thank you very much for your update.

    I guess you feel somewhat better – and I hope that your difficult path will lead to a happy end soon.


    • Hey Rabirius, how’s life? 🙂

      Slowly but surely I’m coming back to the old Paula. 🙂 I miss your blog. Its strange when you break how long it takes to get back to some sort of normality. 🙂
      I love dancing and can’t wait to get back out there and shake my booty. Hahaha.
      Much love to you, Paula. Xxxx

      • Here everything is good and I’m still working on my photographs and slowly fill my blog.

        I hope you’ll be able to shake your booty again very soon!


  6. Thank you for the update, Paula! Know that you are in my thoughts! Take as long as you need…I’m not going anywhere 🙂

  7. June

    Hello Paula! Thanks for the update. I love how vivid you were with the images that you want us to see about your condition. It just encourages a deeper sense of empathy and I truly empathize with you. You’re right about thinking of the welfare of the family, friends and others as well. I think everyone gets suicidal thoughts and I had my fair share of it but thinking of how it would affect my family in particular helped change my perspectives. You and your thoughts are an asset to the blogging community and to the world as a whole. Just take your time, stay well, and we’ll just be here. Hugs!

    • Afternoon Juney Babe! 🙂

      Lovely as always to hear from you. So you understand the darkness too, then you know what I’m feeling like, right? I embrace you for the kind words you just wrote. At the moment I’m having good days and bad days, but the good are outweighing the bad, thank goodness! 🙂

      Trying to blog just isn’t working so I have to sit back and let it all come naturally and it will, I just have to be patient. I truly miss my blog family.
      Have a wonderful weekend, Juney. Love and hugs to you, Paula xxxxxx

  8. Hello sunshine. Thank you for the update honey. If you have to have the ECT’s still, then ya have em, so be it. You share so much with everyone, of your suffering, pain and your tenacity to keep on with life the best way you know how. Hugs sweety and glad you have your strength, your family and your new boyfriend 😉 x

    • Oh my Mumsy! 🙂 Miss you, Mwah!! xxxxx
      Next week I’m hopeful that Thursday will be my last ECT for now. Fingers crossed! Everyone around me has been a pillar of strength and I would have been lost without them. In the hospital I’ve met a couple of people that have no family support or friends, makes me feel so sad for them. 😦

      I miss your blog and I’m hopeful that soon my brain will be able to focus and start checking out blogs. At the moment I can’t put too much pressure on myself or I start to get down. My short term memory isn’t that great right now but soon when the ECT’s stop it will start to improve.
      Much love to you, hugs Paula xxxxxxxxxx

  9. You take your time, we’re all going to be supportive and patient and ready with a wave and a chat whenever you wish…because we are great (me the most though, don’t forget!).

    I miss your bloggy blog and words and I shall keep coming back and checking in, you just concentrate on you firstly though my friend.

    • Ohhh boy I miss that chat and wave
      Thank you so much for your ongoing support, I truly appreciate it. 🙂
      Its 5.30am in Perth and I’m struggling to go back to sleep. Reading your comment made me miss blogging even more. Lol. You make me realise how wonderful and supportive the blogging community really is. Your a wonderful man and I miss reading your blog. Much love and huge hug to you. Paula xxxxx

  10. Easter is a promise of joy and renewal
    May this one before us
    Marks a new beginning
    Of happiness, love and prosperity.
    Wishing you a Happy Easter!
    With love Maxima

    • Stefan that was so beautiful, thank you!
      Happy Easter to you and your family.
      I miss your poetry and can’t wait till I get back to blogging. Much love to you, hugs Paula xxxx

  11. oh dear Paula, I missed and miss you too 🙂 I didn’t know where you were but I worried about your silence and now I know. I hope and wish all this difficult path will take you to a happy end. I love you dear lovely friend, take care of yourself, hugs and love, nia

    • Your comment made me so happy. Love you too Nia, and thank you!
      Each day I’m getting stronger and stronger. It’s not an easy thing to recover from and that’s what’s taken me away from my blog family. I hug you and hope soon to be back. Many hugs, Paula xxxxxxxx

  12. Hi babe! 🙂 how have you been these past weeks?… I haven’t heard from you for a while and I do hope you’ve been better… lots of positive and optimistic thoughts… friendly hugs and c u asap! cheers, Mélanie ❤

    • Hey My Melanie, lovely to hear from you. I’m feeling much better, thank you! Miss your cherrie happy vibes. Just posted today for the first time in a while. Hopefully I’m back in full form. Lol Love to you, Paula xxxxxx

  13. Glad to hear you are getting better! You are a strong woman, I admire you so much. And you are right, asking for help is the key. Nobody has to cope with this by themselves. Lots of love and positive energy from London!

    • Hey Lavinia, lovely to hear from you!

      It’s sometimes hard to do but if we don’t let anyone know how we feel, how can help us! Love your positive energy. Many Aussie hugs back.


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