Hello my lovely bloggers,
Yep, I’ve been away from my blog way too much lately and was hoping to be back blogging this week.
Well, I am back – but not in a way I thought I would be. I went to see my psychiatrist today and we made the decision to admit me into hospital tomorrow morning (being yesterday, now). It’s not where I want to be but I have to be honest to my readers and to myself. And the truth is I just can’t make it alone right now. I kind of need a breather from life and need to get my head back down to earth and out of the hell it’s taking me into. I adore my sons, family, friends and the blogging community and this is the right course of action for me to be healthy. I’ve said it many times before that Bipolar is a tricky thing to live with, and sometimes there are things inside me that even I don’t understand why I’m feeling a certain way… I just am! There is a lot happening in my personal life and I suppose this doesn’t help the situation. I know life isn’t easy and there will always be good and bad days but this is different, this is the the time when you go “barleese! I can’t do this alone anymore I need help!”. My doctor will play around with my medications to try and balance life out for me and I’m hopeful this will be just a few days.
Suicide is not the answer or an option so therefore I’m being responsible and getting the help I need. Perth Clinic is a lovely private psychiatric hospital and I’m fortunate that my ex-husband is still covering my health care otherwise the alternative would have been horrific for me. Our public psych hospital is definately not for the faint hearted.
Anyway, I shall be back as soon as life and Paula become one again. I urge anyone suffering in silence to seek professional help. It’s not a sign of weakness it’s a sign of courage to keep fighting the battle of the darkness to once again see and love the light.
To anyone suffering with deep Depression? Know that it is real and it DOES EXIST no matter what anyone tells you!! Seek help, reach out, shout, hell scream if you have to until someone listens to how your feeling. It’s real, it’s painful, it’s crushing, it’s lonely and believe me it’s like living in a hell. But don’t ever let it beat you!! Don’t say you don’t want to wake up tomorrow. Say you need to wake up tomorrow but need someone to stay close by you till tomorrow comes… you can make it but not alone and not in silence! I urge you to just reach out.
Don’t isolate yourself it’s the worst thing to do. Just hang on until tomorrow and then try again. Trust me the people that truly love you will never give up on you or leave you alone if they know what’s really going on in that mind of yours. DON’T SUFFER IN SILENCE.
And most of all? know that you are loved by more people than you would ever know or realise. Get through today and see what tomorrow brings, it’s not easy but you can do it. Take care of you and know that there are people out here that care for you and haven’t even met you, but they know and understand your pain!
Many hugs to you all, Paula xxxx
depressionexists 
I hit like for your continued strength to others, when you yourself require it. I am giving you positive thoughts darling and hope that you get the care that it is needed. Hugs and hang in there hun xxxx
I’m doing the best I can, Mumsy. 🙂
Although at the moment that might not be enough. If I can’t improve by Thursday I have to have ECT ( Electro Conclusive Therapy) Basically it means they shock my brain. I love you and thank you for your friendship and continuious support. Love to you, Paula xxxxx
Well let’s hope that doesn’t have to happen, but if it does then you will be strong. Keep us informed when you can darling..hugs and thoughts xxxx
I will and thank you. Xxx
Love, Hugs and kisses from me and my girls. Please take care of yourself–we love you. And I hope to visit oz someday and visit with you and mumsy……..
Love back to you and the girls. I would love to meet you as Mumsy would. At the moment I’m crying in my room, I suppose no one likes mental hospitals, right? I feel so alone yet I’m not. I’m trying to think positively and that’s all I can do.
Many hugs to you, Ivonne. Xxxxxx
You are not alone–ok maybe you are alone in the room but on the spirit side it’s like this—–
you feel as if you are floating down that deep dark abyss–at once scary yet also welcoming as it seems to numb the pain—but as you float know that there are many, many hands attached to arms attached to heart that are reaching out to you–like the tentacles of an octopus–we are here with you in that abyss reaching out to you, to your heart and to your soul to bring you back to us into the light—and we reach out through cyber space to send you love and support. And know when you come out of the abyss that we are all here for you.
You are inspiring, you are a brave women and you are a good person.
i hope things will be better for you. you share a lot of important things and they are appreciated. you are strong, fun and brave. you have the sun in you. keep looking up… 🙂 ~san
Laying in my hospital bed you made me cry. Thank you for such kindness and support I truly appreciate it. Many hugs, Paula xxx
ahaha, dry your tears now. 🙂 your posts inspired me, just a few hours ago, across the distance. thank you, too. many hugs, waving… 🙂
Love, hugs and kisses from us (Cristi and Monica). Stay strong!
Thank you so much Cristi. 😉
It truly appreciate your words of support.
I have a pretty private room but its not home….i dont like it here. I hope its for a short time. Must go as they have given me Valium and I’m Dopey. Love to you and Monica. Xxxxx
You’re doing the right thing, brave lady. Lots of love to you x
Thank you. I’m trying to keep fighting it.
Sadly the decision has been made to start ECT tomorrow morning. Wish me luck.
Love and hugs, Paula xxxx
Is ECT like elcectric shock therapy? Not sure how that works……
Hey Ivonne. Yes its shock therapy to the brain. Just writing it is making me cry, sorry.
This is why I urge people to seek help before it gets to this stage. I know in the end it will work and have been in my best interest. Love to you. Xxxc
I googled it to find out more. You are under anethisia so you won’t feel anything. It’s done when medication is not working. The only side effect is slight confusion but that’s normal any way after anesthesia. I will be thinking of you 🙂
Thanks Ivonne.
3 years ago after attempting suicide I had 15 ECT’S. Knowing what to expect is what’s scaring me. My memory never fully recovered and that’s another reason I can’t stop crying. I love you for the support. Xxxx
Go into it affirming you come out with all of your memory. And for the stuff you forget well you have your blog to remind you and new happy memories to make. Heck my memory not so good any more and I have not had ect…..
All the luck in the world xxx
You are in my thoughts and I’m sending positive vibes your way, Paula. You are such an example of great courage for making this choice for yourself and still offering advice for others who may be in a similar situation.
I hope things get better for you soon! See you when you get back!
Much love,
-Mari
Thank you Mari,
I’m doing this for those I love dearly and to show my readers that its okay to say, I need help. Sending love back your way. Many hugs Paula xxx
Paula, know that I am thinking of you & wishing you the very best! I trust that you will be better & back soon!!
Love,
Greg xxx
Thank you, Greg.
I’m holding onto any positive thoughts my brain will allow me to. Its a war between myself and I have to win it. Tomorrow when they take me for the shock treatment I’m going to stay as brave as I possibly can. They will help me but there’s a part of me that’s terrified. Many hugs Paula xxxx
You are welcome, Paula.
I am thinking that tomorrow has come & the shock treatment is over. You are brave & you have many people that love you! It is unfortunate that what can help, can also terrify. You are my inspiration & I am always here for you!
Many hugs Greg xxxx
Yep, all done for now. I have 3 more next week and then they will evaluate my mental health. I cried most of yesterday as I’m so sad that i didnt ask for help earlier. Thank you for your support. Huge hug, Paula xxxxx
What a wonderful post, Paula. I hate the hospitalization, but I’m thrilled that you had the strength and courage to seek the help you need. In addition to helping yourself, I love that you have taken the time to reach out to others. Such grace in such a difficult time. Big Hugs
Thanks for the hugs Bradley.
Tomorrow makes me cry, but I know in the end its the best way for me to keep fighting the ugliness thats taken over my thoughts
Thank you for the support. Hugs Paula xxx
sends lots and lots of hugs
I really appreciate those hugs, so thank you. Little teary little scared but are still hopeful for the future. Thank you again.
Hugs Paula xxx
it is a hard step but because you are choosing this step it is a different thing. Embrace the help you will receive, it makes a difference when you are not fighting it. Sometimes it is like a fresh start. 🙂
Your right so I thank you.
Its 5.30 am and they have just preped me for my ECT. I would be lying to say I’m not scared because I am, even though I had 15 of them in 2010.
Anyway I need my happy healthy self back. Must go but again I hug you and thank you dearly. Paula xxx
Lots of love and big hug. Thinking of you my dear…Stay strong and take care…
Thank you. Your words mean a lot to me.
Many hugs back
Xxx
Love you SO much. So glad you sought professional support. xOxOx
Okay Meg, now I’m crying again. 🙂
Thanks for the flowers and visit. I love my family so much and I don’t mean to cause any of you distress. Its me Meg and I’m trying hard to get back to the smiley happy me. I love you all and thank you for your support. I’m going to try and stay hopeful and tell myself tomorrows just another day.
I’ll look at it as needing a jump.start, only its to my brain. Love you, Paula xxx
Huuuuuuuuugs! Kudos for getting help! Your humility, openness and motivation is admirable Paula. It’s very noble of you to still show concern and give advice to others who are also suffering despite your situation now. Cry if you must. It could be therapeutic. I really hope you’d get the best results for the help you are getting now.
Stay bubbly! XX
Juney you also made me cry. It brings me comfort to know I’m not alone. I have to look at tomorrow as being a knew start to a happier healthier me. If I could hug and take under my wing everyone that feels theres no hope left in life? I would!
Love and hugs to you, Paula xxx
Take it easy my friend, you have my support whenever you need it. I’m always proud of you for being so forthright and open. I shall see you when you return!
Thank you, that means a lot. 🙂
I cant sleep its just after 3 am here. My first ECT went well and the next lot are scheduled for Monday Wednesday and Friday. Then he:ll say if i can go OR I need more shock therapy. I would love a drink but thats out if the question. Haha.
My family are so worried so I’m doing everything I can to try and get out.
Thanks heaps for the support. Hugs Paula xxx
I’m praying for you Paula. I know you would pull through my friend!
Thank you I really appreciate that.I’ve just undergone my 3rd ECT. I’ve woken with a bad headache this time. Still it’s worth it as my thoughts of death aren’t as strong. As much as I don’t like the shock therapy I know its making me better and stronger. Again I hug you and tbankyou for your support. Huge hug Paula xxxx
I’m glad you stay so positive. My husband’s cousin went through the same course of treatment and he’s been strong and capable for almost eight years now! He’s even married now with two kids… God be with you my friend.
Much love.
Paula
I’m so glad that you are getting help. I hope everything is going well. I want you to know that I am thinking about you.
Sharon (Purple Rosemary)
Hi Sharon. 🙂
Well, I’m still in a psychiatric hospital and its Sunday morning. I’ve had 4 ECT’s (shock treatment) to the brain. I don’t remember a lot about the past week but have been told I’ve cried a lot and begged people to get me out of this psychiatric hospital.
Those that love me tell me its for my own good that I stay. Monday is the 5 th ECT and I think by then I will start to feel the benefits. Thanks for your ongoing support.
Hugs to you, Paula xxxx
I hope you are feeling better soon, Paula. I hope everything improves and that you can find peace.
Hey babe, whaz up?… I invite you to take a walk(a look!) on my chocolate & champagne side: 🙂 hugs & xoxoxo:
http://myvirtualplayground.wordpress.com/2014/03/08/chocolats-et-champagne-vivent-les-femmes/
Morning my Melanie, 🙂
I’m starting to feel a bit better than I did last week. From what I’ve been told I will be here for at least 1more week. The suicidal thoughts are leaving my head which I’m truly grateful for. This is why my Dr will continue treatment this week, to make sure the suicidal thoughts leave my head for good. I’ve been living a hell secretly in my mind. I’m glad, no relieved its no longer a secret and I’m forced to deal with it. The only thing I don’t like is the empty feeling I have inside me. Those that love me haven’t left me, but it feels that way. I’ll be glad when I can go home and feel loved again. Many hugs to you, Paula xxxx
Happy belated birthday. I hope this finds you well, the blogosphere is always quite-er and less shinier without you! xx
Hey, a bit late to respond but come here so I can hug you! Mwaah. Much love to you for such a beautiful comment
Hugs Paula xxx
Doing good adds meaning to life.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. Hugs Paula xxx