Well I suppose a post about Depression has been looming, right? The joys of being Bipolar.
To say that I’m hating the world and life would be a lie. I love the world but at times life overwhelms me and I’m left dazed and confused. Remember I said I had everything when I was married but I felt I had nothing? Well, I suppose this is how I’m feeling… Yet the truth is I don’t have everything anymore but I have more than most people do so I shouldn’t complain. But what I have learnt since leaving my husband is that although I was unhappy in my marriage, there’s something so deep inside me that I’m not sure I will ever be happy. It’s like if you had a can opener and opened me up you would find one big whirly mess! Hahaha actually I think opening any of us up would be a disaster. LMAO bad example, right? Haha
That’s the one saving grace that I always seem to keep and that’s my sense of humour. I laugh at life and at myself and try not to take too many things seriously. If I did I would fall apart too often and I need to live in this world like everyone else and not have Bipolar define me as a person. We are more than our illness.
Depression is odd and the reason it’s such a lonely place is because we don’t like to let others in, because lets face it – we don’t want to be in there ourselves, so why drag you into oblivion with us? We need you to stay happy and give us hope that tomorrow really is another day… A better one! Get through today and deal with tomorrow as it comes. Baby steps is what I always say; get up, get dressed and you’re halfway there!
Some people who meet me can’t understand why I suffer with Depression when I look so happy. Easy my fellow bloggers? I lie to me and to you that all is well and that gives me strength to get through. Might sound a little odd to you but it really works for me. A person with Bipolar may not even know why today they are sad and feeling low, they just are! I suppose that’s when I have to admit defeat and accept I have a mental illness. You have no idea how much It pains me to write those words! Ask anyone with Bipolar and they will say the same, we just don’t know why? I suppose it is just in the genetic makeup of many of us. I think I prefer the days when I know what’s pulling me down because at least I can try to rationalise with whatever’s going on in Paula’s mind and hopefully/usually work through them, and then life becomes all sunshine and roses again…. Pink ones! Haha
The problem this time is that I’m struggling internally. I know that’s a bad thing because right now there’s a lot more than I can cope with, so with a little help/shove from a close friend 🙂 I have given in and made an appointment with my psychiatrist. I used to feel asking for help was a weakness and I hated that more than anything. But over time I’ve come to realise it’s not, it’s actually a good thing because we can let it all out in an environment where there will be no judgement… Just help, and the right kind of help at that!
Suicidal thoughts can plague the mind of someone with Bipolar when they think their world is falling apart. To an onlooker their world may be completely fine, but to us deep in our souls the devil is lurking and playing with our minds. So we have to fight back with all our strength and remember what beauty our world holds and how many people love us.
To all that may be suffering in silence right now? I urge you to seek help in any way that you can, for tomorrow really is another day. It will get better – it usually always does – but in the interim we have to deal with a little pain and suffering. Some things in life are just out of our control and it’s up to us how we pass the test the universe has given us. What we must never forget is that we deserve to be here and to be happy just like everyone else. Depression wins only if we let it, but it’s not cured overnight. It takes a great deal of strength and courage to fight it. Be kind to yourself and don’t let today ruin your tomorrow for you will never know what could have been. Stay strong, reach out, and trust those who love you to get you through the hard times, for they need you as much as you need them. Fight for the person you once were before the Depression took hold of you. And remember when you’re down they are down too and all they want is you back by their side.
I hug you all and thank you for being there through the good and the bad times I’ve had. Please don’t worry for me as this won’t pull me down, I refuse to let it. I find a reason to smile every day because this is what pulls me through. I’m just letting you into my Bipolar mind and how at times we must ask for help.
Hugs to you all, Paula xxxxx