Depression Exists

Depression exists, but why?

I ask myself this question over and over again, everytime I fall into darkness.

Today I fell apart after talking to my stepfather.
One thing lead to another and before I could even catch myself, I had started to fall. It’s kind of like seeing yourself in slow motion but not being able to do anything about it.
Just when I think I’m happy and strong, something always blind-sights me and knocks me down.

Not only is my stepfather in a bad way, but someone I love more than life itself is also deeply hurt and suffering right now.
I can’t say who out of respect for this person, but I have to be strong as he needs me more than ever right now. Holding your own pain inside whilst helping someone else with theirs can be so hard, but this isn’t about me. This is about being strong for someone who loves me deeply and needs me to stay the course, so I have to hide how I’m feeling and sometimes it’s so hard to do. When you love someone the way I love this person, it cuts to the very core of your being when they are drowning in their own sorrow and there’s not a lot you can do. So, what will I do?
I will listen and listen intently and be there night and day for them. If I could cut myself and bleed away their pain? I would, but life isn’t like that. We all have our own paths and journey to take and mine is to love that person and show them that I care and will always be there, no matter what!

I have to take a deep breath and hide my own pain in this situation, but it’s really hard this time!


Because smiling doesn’t help when your crying on the inside AND outside there’s nothing left to give, you feel broken. Life IS beautiful and I know better than to let my past control me, but sometimes I just can’t control my thoughts; especially when certain situations arise and take me back to them.
Darkness and negativity are strong and at the time the light just isn’t in your reach. You reach for it only to be pulled back down drowning in your own thoughts.

Depression is real but I know that happiness is too, but sometimes it eludes me and I feel alone. I know I’m not but at the time its very cold and lonely, especially when you can’t talk about it. I wear my heart on my sleeve but the deep dark thoughts are just that…Deep!

Loneliness isn’t always about having no one in your life, because I have many that love me and I’m grateful for all their love. Since I was little girl, abused and then raped at 20 I’ve struggled with an internal loneliness. I can be in a group of people smiling and joking but inside I’m distant and wanting to hide from everyone.
It is like wanting to be in a bubble that no one can penetrate or hurt you.

Sakura (my cat) as many of you will already know has stayed close by me and hugged into me. Even now she’s on my lap as I’m typing.
She gives me unconditional love and I would be lost without her, having an animal around you when you get depressed is very soothing and comforting.

Depression isn’t a sign of weakness, I think you’ve just fallen off lifes tracks and need to get back on. Kind of like falling off a horse and having to get back up and ride again, so fear doesn’t take over.

Fear: False Evidence Appearing Real

This is what we have to tell ourselves when our world feels like it’s caving in on us. Look at what is real now and leave your past behind, that’s why it’s the past…it’s gone and that’s where it needs to be in order for us to move forward.

Giving in is easy, fighting’s the hard part! But we are all worth fighting for, right? And I want this person to fight for me and all the people that love and need them as I do!  The thought of losing them kills me and whilst I still breathe …I won’t ever allow this to happen. It just can’t happen.

When you’re Depressed ….Don’t isolate yourself when the depression is strong, you need to keep connected with those that love you. If your down remember they are too. When you can’t eat? They can’t eat. When you don’t sleep? They don’t sleep. When you cry? They cry too!

Be brave and hang in there!

Tomorrow is another day, so close your eyes and let all the pain and sadness that you may be feeling drift away; even if it’s just for a night so you can start again tomorrow. One day at a time, I strongly believe this and live by this principle. You can do it, believe in yourself, stay strong and hang onto that one thing that keeps you connected. You are worth more than you realise to so many people. May the universe, your inner self or your god give you the strength you need to get through this hard time.

Just a side note: Many people come to my blog but don’t comment. Depression isn’t something people like to talk about, but I know you’re there and I hug you and understand your struggles. Stay strong and feel loved and worthy, because you are! Whatever has hurt you and for whatever reason your depressed right now, you will get through it. It wont be easy but remember: ALWAYS  find something that makes you smile, anything!!  the sun, moon, hell even chocolate, I’m serious it’s a great pick me up! your pet, your partner, anything, anything at all!!  When your down I know it’s easier said than done, but if you can? Wow it changes everything. Stay strong and believe in your own self worth. You are beautiful and worth fighting for always remember that!

I’ve been away in Tasmania for the past week and was going to post about it, but this has kind of taken a back seat from what’s just happened. I needed to write this to get it out of my head and to stay strong. I love this person more than life and without them in my life I wouldn’t survive. So I’m venting my hurt to the world.

I’ll post photos soon of Tasmania as I need to stay hopeful and happy.

Hugs to you all, Paula xxxxx


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44 responses to “Depression Exists

  1. Aww darling, you are hurting badly aren’t you 😦 {{Hugs}} You need to try and put your brave face on and I know it is very hard for you to do, especially in these circumstances. I wish your step-dad well and I hope… really hope that you bring yourself out of what you are experiencing right now xxxxxooooxxxxx

  2. Al

    I wish I could wave a magic wand and make your pain and the other person’s pain away

    • Hey Alastair, I hug you for that I know you mean it, so thank you! As you know, this one I can’t say much about other than I’m trying to stay as positive as I can for the person I love so much. Hugs to you, Paula xxxx

      • Al

        Yeah, I understand. I respect that you want to keep the other person private, and I really hope they get the answers they need

  3. we all have been there at some point in life. What works for me is spiritual help ( not religious). Asking for strength that is within you to become stronger and more alive. Another thing , is believing in positive outcome. Our mind plays many games with us. I recently read this book power of now by Eckhart Tolle . Please read it. It is life changing….Sending you loads of positive energy and love!

    • Thank you so much for your very inspiring comment. My mum is very spiritual and gets me to practice this all the time. This time I have gone within and have asked my higher self to give me the strength I need to get through this. I’m being as positive as I possibly can. I really will get the book out and read it, so thank you! 🙂 I hug you and thank you, Paula xxxxxx

  4. Here’s a (((HUG))) for you. I hope it cheers you up… 🙂

  5. Cheers to you Paula!I hope knowing you are inspiring someone with your post will make you feel much better.

    • Hi Larissa, thank you so much for what you just said. I know what myself and this person are going through many many others are too, at least in one way or another. We all need to know that we are not alone and there is hope. Hugs to you, Paula xxx

  6. Thanks so much for such an honest, heartfelt piece. I wish you well through your struggles and really admire and appreciate your honest, authentic words.
    Lucy 🙂

    • Hi Lucy, Thats really kind of you, thank you. 🙂
      I was pretty down when I wrote this post and had to get it out of head. Now I have to learn to cope with whats happened. Thanks again for your support. Hugs Paula xxx

  7. Paula, let your feelings out. Love Perpetua.

  8. June

    Sorry to hear about your loneliness Paula. We all go through some solitary moments and it’s alright to acknowledge them if that’s what makes our load lighter. Thanks for sharing it to us Paula, not to encourage depressive thoughts but to encourage openness that here in your blog you can let go of whatever that bothers or gladdens you. It gives us a sense of honor to be trusted enough to handle your solitude and offer our comfort, acceptance or understanding.

    Happiness and loneliness are existent and they are vividly and wonderfully depicted in your blog. To live life without loneliness is impossible for we need a dose of it to continually appreciate happiness. I’m glad that despite what you are going through, you still find time to rationalize and show optimism that hope springs and we’ll get by with a little worthwhile interaction with people who care. It’s also nice to know that Sakura is always there for you. I really understand how pets can be stress relievers as I do get some relief and happy thoughts just by being with my dogs.

    I’ve been an admirer of you and your blog and it’s noble cause of informing, educating, influencing, motivating and providing happiness. Thanks again for sharing Paula! I also appreciate the optimism that your posts radiate as this one, most specially. Virtual hugs! 😉

    • Can you feel me hugging you, Juney? Because I am, a lot!! The things you just said about me make me feel so good inside. You inspire me with your love and support. My internal loneliness is something I’ve tried so very hard to let go off but have never really managed to successfully do. It’s a working progress! I have good day days, bad days, sunshine days etc etc. I love life and people and that’s what I hang onto on the bad days. This person’s well being is everything to me and more. So, I need the sunshine days to get me through this. People like you make that possible and I love and hug you dearly for it. Many hug, Paula xxxxx

  9. Hi babe & LL=large like for your post and every word of it… you’re right about depression: it does “scare” (most) people!
    * * *
    “but sometimes I just can’t control my thoughts…” – nobody can control them, Paula dearest… why?! because only our thoughts(and dreams?!) ate totally free…
    * * *
    Try to stay strong, optimistic and positive… I’m almost sure this is what your step-dad expects you to be… I deeply “hate” the geographical distance between us, believe me! meanwhile, lookin’ forward to seeing your pix from Tasmania… have you seen the Tasmanian devil, too? 🙂
    HH=huge hugs, gorgeous…<3

    • P.S. sorry for “ate” instead of “are”, of course… have a purrrfect time with Sakura! Mélanie – catlover for life… 🙂

    • Hahaha! No I didn’t see the little devil! 🙂 You always make me smile. 🙂
      My stepdad is in hospital having chemo this week and is staying as positive as he can. 🙂 It’s someone else close to me thats fallen apart and all I can do is sit back, watch and listen intently and show my love and support of them. This has certainly been a huge emotional roller coaster ride of emotions. But I’ll never give up loving and supporting this person.
      I so wish you were closer to, I would come for that coffee and chocolate!!
      Ohhh and the cheese and red wine! 🙂 And for the love and light that you shine through. 🙂 I would hug you back and laugh with you. Love to you, Melanie, hugs Paula xxxx

  10. wisejourney

    I long to see your pictures of Tasmania Paula. Not I my would Ipve to visit Aus. One day. But ando this place at the fare de of the earth. Andrea

    • Hey Andrea! 🙂
      Oh you would love Oz, it’s so beautiful and diverse. Each state offers something beautiful. Will post photos soon. I didn’t take a lot but what I have is pretty. Huge hugs to you, Paula xxxx

  11. Dear Paula,

    I wish you a lot of strength and hope everything will turn out good in the end.


    • Hi Rabirius, Me too!
      I’m personally handling things a bit better right now than when it first happened. Now I need someone else to find the courage to pull through and stay with therapy. I hug you and love my blog family. 🙂 Huge hugs, Paula xxxxx

  12. if venting helps, then go for it I say…let it out and the people who care will always come right back to comment and help you (or a little belatedly in my case).

    Your posts always inform me ans remind of aspects of various people and social and alone times and I am glad you do write this sort of post as well as your others.

    I, as well as loads of others are always here for you…hit me up on Stemail if you wish as well anytime.

    • You are just a beautiful soul and I’m glad your a part of my blog family.
      I had happy posts happening but my blog is about Depression, so when life goes pear shape? I have to post to get it out of my head, well at least attempt to anyway! 🙂 Life is still very rocky for the person I wrote about. 😦
      I’m doing everything I can to keep their head above water. It’s not hard to do when you love someone so much, it’s just heartbreaking that you can’t do anymore. Depression is evil when it takes over all rational thinking.
      But I am smiling to you now and thank you for your constant support. If I lived closer I would be at the pub having a drink with you! I would talk about how beautiful it is that so many people around the world come together and support one another in blogland!! Complete strangers become like family, it’s incredible and very beautiful! No racism or prejudice just love and support. 🙂 Hugs Paula xxxx

      • I will drink t that…but not right now as 9:13 AM is a little excessive and I fear I would be judged by most. There are lots of great people out there all willing to help you through and keep you fighting the good fight. I say go with the flow for you know that whatever you feel that we will always be there to share in the good and the bad times.

      • Thank you and a huge hug to you! xxxx

  13. Hi babe! 🙂 just thinkin’ of you and I’d suggest this interesting article I’ve just come across: Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.
    * * *
    love, hugs and xoxoxo…<3 Mélanie

    • Evening from Oz, my Melanie! 🙂
      I just went and read the article. So true and I loved it, thank you!! 🙂
      Today is a good day for me and I’m trying so hard to stay positive. I’m going with the person I wrote this about to organise a care plan with the Dr next week. We need each other and as long as this person remembers this…living will then be a priority and getting help the first step to making this happen. I hug you, Paula xxxxxxx

  14. Paula, I suspect that your concern and care for the person you love is helping so much more than you know.

    Blessings & hugs of hope ~ Wendy

    • Hello wendy-Lee, 🙂
      I really really hope so. The person had a good day today, so that makes me really happy! I hope all is good in your world. Love to you and your family. Hugs Paula xxxx

  15. I’m so sad for you about your beloved step dad and your dear friend. I’m sure that your love and support for them both is making such a difference in their lives. Keep it up, Paula. Wishing you strength and sending big hugs to you. xx 🙂

    • Hi Sylvia, Sorry for the late reply. 🙂
      Things have started to look up for my friend and my stepdad is coping the best he can right now. Thank you for the lovely things you said. 🙂
      Hugs Paula xxxx

  16. It is amazing how generous you are. When falling apart like this, you find the strength to write down what you are going through and this helps out lots of people! You are right, I am sure many come here, read and feel relieved because they understand better what is happening to them, because so few talk about depression, most of them just suffer in silence. I hope you will feel better soon, my dear Paula. Sending you lots of positive energy from London. Hugs, Lavinia.

    • Hey Lavinia! 🙂
      Thanks for the energy coming from the U.K! 🙂
      I was one of those people that suffered in silence and I know only too well how isolated and alone you feel. This is why I write, for them and for me! I hate writing depressing things but getting it out helps in so many many ways. My stepdad has been in hospital as he picked up an infection after the chemo. He’s trying to stay as positive as he can. 🙂 As for my friend?therapy love and understanding is going a long way. My Sakura is on my lap watching me type to you! 🙂 She’s sooo cute! Sending you loads of warmth and sunshine from Oz!! Hope you’re not too cold? Hugs Paula xxxxx

  17. Pingback: NEPALIAUSTRALIAN’s Blog Award 2013 Nominations Announced | nepaliaustralian

  18. Congratulations, your blog has been nominated for NEPALIAUSTRALIAN’s Blog Award 2013. Please click the link for more details.

    • Thank you for nominating my blog. I stopped participating in awards earlier this year. You’ve gone to a lot of trouble and I just want you to know that I really appreciate the thought. I hope I haven’t offended you.
      Hugs Paula xxxx

  19. Thank you for sharing. I hope you feel better soon. Have you read Byron Katie? I’m reading her book call, A Thousand Names for Joy. I found it very helpful.

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