This is kind of a strange rambling0-type of post. Lol.
You know the days when you wake and just wish you hadn’t. You just want to start the day again. Well this happens to nearly everyone, right?
But when you have Bipolar this can be hourly, daily, weekly, yearly, etc. etc. You get the message.
So when you hear someone with Bipolar talk about Hypomania, it can sound quite strange and stressful for those around us; and hard to understand what it actually means.
So let me explain what it’s like for me:
…Now I’m not generalising everyone with Bipolar, it’s what I experience!
I personally find it uplifting, very energising, draining and especially TIRING, all in one!
During this time I’m way more productive and positive, what’s difficult for those around us is that they find us hard to keep up with and can barely shut us up.
Loads of thoughts, plans, ideas, etc. If you’re the arty type, it can be a very creative time as well. The problem is, you don’t get why those around you can’t keep up… and they seem less than enthusiastic. Lol!
When this happens, a person experiencing this can find sleeping very, very difficult; in fact you get very little sleep. Your mind is racing at million miles an hour and sleep just isn’t on the agenda.
You could almost liken it to someone taking speed, yet its free and you have no real control over it. I could laugh and joke all day and night long and still be smiling the next morning. Someone could easily excite me at this point almost like hyping up a child and then trying to put them to bed. Well guess what, It doesn’t work no matter how much you will it.
You just can’t shut down and go to sleep.
And If you have any yeah-bute plans in life? I will be your biggest fan pushing you and motivating you.
At first you will love it and love that someone will listen so enthusiastically and have so many ideas. But where is the off switch you say? Hmmm even I don’t know this one! Lol.
It may not sound bad and probably could be a good thing, right? But, Nooooo!!!! I won’t let you sleep either!! I’ll still be thinking of ideas that you should use or do to get to where you want to be.
It’s like there’s no off button and you will have to keep changing channels to find where I’m at.
But, like all things in life… What goes up – Must come down!
This is the horrible part: You’ve been flying high and living on little sleep and going and going till… Bang! Down you come falling into the darkness.
Depression is easy to fall into at this point of time. You’re exhausted mentally and physically.
Now I’m only talking about myself, yet I know many with Bipolar will understand this and have had similar experiences.
What I’ve learnt from this is to kind of monitor myself beforehand. Meaning, there is usually little tale tale things that after spending time with me you can see I’m becoming excitable and not sleeping very well before the Hypomania starts to take over.
The fall from grace comes quite quickly and you can land with a thud! During this time I tend to withdraw from those around me, usually the closest people that love me and vice versa. Maybe I do it because I don’t want them to see how smiling is nearly impossible. You see if they see this…they worry, but to me it’s my way of coping and trying to balance life back out. Suicidal thoughts can play with my mind and I start to think life is just too hard and I’m too tired to keep fighting for it.
I start doubting myself and those around me and wonder who really loves me for me…all of me, the good and the bad. The only way I can explain it is it’s like self sabotage; you hear everyone around you but you start to look for hidden messages in what they are saying to you… Truth be told they aren’t saying anything, it’s just you that’s driving you down a very negative path. I think I become very insecure and it’s easier to withdrawal and say nothing than to say what am truly thinking. My thoughts are deep and dark and I very really let anyone into them. I smile and wonder who can really sees the real me? The me that’s falling apart and crying on the inside. But,I don’t think anyone can.
It’s a strange thing to explain and really only those that experience it can really understand where your coming from.
I could never hurt anyone in life, but I’m the one I hurt the most. Childhood memories and bad experiences plague my mind during this time.
So this is Hypomania to me and if you are like me? I hug you and encourage you to keep fighting the darkness.
Take a deep look at nature and remember the beauty the world has given us and the life we have been given. It wasn’t given to us for us to take it away.
One day at a time.
Embrace the good days and breathe through the bad.
Keep smiling and stay strong. 🙂
Love and many hugs to our blogging family/community.