Monthly Archives: June 2013

What Darkness Means To Me

Sad

What darkness means to me!

So do I hide this side of me? Or do I let you in? 

I’ve decided to let you in!

To me, it’s a place to hide from myself when I can’t or don’t want to face reality. Rather than face my demons head-on I retreat into the emptiness of my brain. At times it feels safe in there; other days it’s scary and I can’t find my way out.

Crying doesn’t help because I’m not crying out loud.  Screaming doesn’t help because I’m not one to scream! I’m crouching in a corner of my mind – crying, sobbing cradling my body… Where is everyone, can’t you see me?… Can’t you hear me?…My hand is reaching, out but no one is taking it.

A lifeless black hole that feels no pain and has no feeling.

Your heart’s broken your mind no longer your own. What about your soul! What soul? Is there a god?… If so, why does he sit back and do nothing? You need to breath, but every time you come up for air something reaches up and pulls you back down. Leave me be! Just let me breathe for a second,  I can’t swallow, I’m drowning!

Where’s all the beauty gone. This can’t be happening. I’m better than this! Why do you rob me of love and happiness, haven’t you taken enough from me?

This is MY DARKNESS, one I don’t want to drag anyone into. I’m keeping my mind focused so this darkness doesn’t one day take me away…

(SIDE NOTE):

Don’t let this post bring you down! As I said, it’s a dark place, but this is what I, along with many others that suffer with a mental illness, go through.

I wrote this when I was down but didn’t publish it. I decided to share it now just to give you insight as to what happens when Depression hits someone with Bipolar. (manic-depressive)

One minute I’m flying high.. Next I crash and don’t even always know why!!!

If you are feeling like this, know it will pass and tomorrow WILL  be a better day. Force yourself out of bed… (you must do this or the bed will win along with Depression). Go for a walk and look at all the beauty that surrounds you. If it’s sunny? Close your eyes and feel the warmth of the sun on your face and feel how it energises you. Go and hug your pet. Go walk on the beach and feel the sand between your toes and listen to the waves gently crashing. Write a list of all the things that are pulling you down. No one will see them unless you show them but this will help get it our of your head. Throw it out to the universe and let it go… You don’t need it! Lastly, I embrace you and surround you with love. Be strong!

 To those that follow me, please don’t worry because I’m totally in a good place right now. *hugs to all of you*

I’m in good spirits and really am ok!!!

Remember, I’m just letting you in! I wrote this back in December 2012. Right now my mind and body are healthy.

I write this for those that live in silence as I once did. This is what no one see’s beneath the smile.

Hugs to you all…..xxx

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Filed under Fight Depression, My experiences, Thinking...

Uh-Oh, Guess What Day it Is! Whoo-Hoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Morning Everyone!! 🙂
I had to reblog this Ad from Maryanne as it’s so funny! Thanks for the laughs Maryanne!! Hugs Paula xxx

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Children and Happiness

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Hello everyone!! 🙂

As a great deal of you already know, I have adult boys (21 and 28). Only the 21 year old is still at home, but is about to move out with a friend.

I found this really stressful and hard to let my baby go, but I know he will grow so much more being in the real world away from mother. Lol!

He has decided to go to uni and study accounting and finance. This makes me happy as his future possibilities will be a lot greater. Gone are the times when you could just go to the local hairdresser and start an apprenticeship or the local mechanic etc etc.. These days you need a degree to do anything! 🙂

Last weekend I babysat my nephews (11, 14). I so loved it. They are so good for me and I love having them around. Their sister, who is 6, stayed only 1 night as my mother had her for the remaining days. The younger boy and her love arguing so we split them up when babysitting!  My brother and his wife have done such a good job at raising them, they are a pleasure just to be around.

It got me thinking about how happy I was to be a mum of adult children and nana at only 45. Yip, pretty young for all that, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’m still young enough to get down on the floor and get down to their level. I think I’m the bigger kid anyway! LMAO  As a parent we spend so much time teaching and correcting them… And, yes – a fair amount of time yelling at them! Lol And it’s so hard to really take the time to just listen and be with them. Life gets really busy when you have children to raise, work commitments etc. But we need to find the time and by doing that you will be repaid later in life, with children that want to be with you. 🙂

As the aunty/uncle etc this is the privilege that we get, especially if your own children are grown up. I love listening to their thoughts on life and what they want to be when they grow up. I love the banter and laughter that goes on. As our kids get older you see less and less of them. Some of you are probably thinking..Yes!! Lol  but to be honest when they leave you really feel it. You certainly have more time to do the things you enjoy, but you can’t beat the laughter of children.

So go and hug the little ratbags that are driving you crazy and remember this song –

I hug you all and hope you have a great week!

Hugs Paula xxxx

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Filed under My experiences, What makes me happy

Are you hiding?

Hello Everyone! 🙂
I love Penny’s blog and this is very inspiring. Have a great day
Hugs to you all…Paula xxxx

The Why About This

Come out!

Sure some days are really hard! But hiding doesn’t help anything!

hiding

Some days are really good too. It’s the nature of things. In fact take a walk today in nature. In the countryside or a nearby park. If you live near a body of water go there. Throw a rock or two in the water as you walk along the shoreline

Remove yourself from that which seems overwhelming while you expose yourself to that which is raw, real and still beautiful. Face life head on.

ocean

Nothing does that better than nature. If it’s raining than grab an umbrella. Seeing things through raindrops is a wonderful experience also. When I lived in Florida I would race to the shore line on stormy days to watch the waves crash into the boulders, I’d get soaked but it didn’t matter because nature was having it’s way with me. And sometimes the…

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