What Darkness Means To Me

Sad

What darkness means to me!

So do I hide this side of me? Or do I let you in? 

I’ve decided to let you in!

To me, it’s a place to hide from myself when I can’t or don’t want to face reality. Rather than face my demons head-on I retreat into the emptiness of my brain. At times it feels safe in there; other days it’s scary and I can’t find my way out.

Crying doesn’t help because I’m not crying out loud.  Screaming doesn’t help because I’m not one to scream! I’m crouching in a corner of my mind – crying, sobbing cradling my body… Where is everyone, can’t you see me?… Can’t you hear me?…My hand is reaching, out but no one is taking it.

A lifeless black hole that feels no pain and has no feeling.

Your heart’s broken your mind no longer your own. What about your soul! What soul? Is there a god?… If so, why does he sit back and do nothing? You need to breath, but every time you come up for air something reaches up and pulls you back down. Leave me be! Just let me breathe for a second,  I can’t swallow, I’m drowning!

Where’s all the beauty gone. This can’t be happening. I’m better than this! Why do you rob me of love and happiness, haven’t you taken enough from me?

This is MY DARKNESS, one I don’t want to drag anyone into. I’m keeping my mind focused so this darkness doesn’t one day take me away…

(SIDE NOTE):

Don’t let this post bring you down! As I said, it’s a dark place, but this is what I, along with many others that suffer with a mental illness, go through.

I wrote this when I was down but didn’t publish it. I decided to share it now just to give you insight as to what happens when Depression hits someone with Bipolar. (manic-depressive)

One minute I’m flying high.. Next I crash and don’t even always know why!!!

If you are feeling like this, know it will pass and tomorrow WILL  be a better day. Force yourself out of bed… (you must do this or the bed will win along with Depression). Go for a walk and look at all the beauty that surrounds you. If it’s sunny? Close your eyes and feel the warmth of the sun on your face and feel how it energises you. Go and hug your pet. Go walk on the beach and feel the sand between your toes and listen to the waves gently crashing. Write a list of all the things that are pulling you down. No one will see them unless you show them but this will help get it our of your head. Throw it out to the universe and let it go… You don’t need it! Lastly, I embrace you and surround you with love. Be strong!

 To those that follow me, please don’t worry because I’m totally in a good place right now. *hugs to all of you*

I’m in good spirits and really am ok!!!

Remember, I’m just letting you in! I wrote this back in December 2012. Right now my mind and body are healthy.

I write this for those that live in silence as I once did. This is what no one see’s beneath the smile.

Hugs to you all…..xxx

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32 Comments

Filed under Fight Depression, My experiences, Thinking...

32 responses to “What Darkness Means To Me

  1. Brave to share if now to reach out as a voice to others. Do glad today is a good day for you and me and everyone . Hugs Paula

    • Thank you! This picture was taken in between me smiling for another shot. But in that instant of looking down…it caught a different emotion. Hope your having a great day.Hugs Paula xxx

  2. melanietoulouse

    @”I’m in good spirits and really am ok!!!” – that’s “my” girl! 🙂 Keep up the good, positive work, young lady! 🙂 There’s always light&hope at the end of any life tunnel(s)… I do hope you love and you’re loved… because LOVE, affection, devotion and mutual respect are the answers… 🙂
    – – –
    My very best & sunny hugs, Mélanie

  3. You do have sadness on your face in this shot, but know you are in a good place… I hope you are and you will have more days of smiling than looking down xxxxx

  4. Thank you for sharing this Paula. I know I am in and out of dark places at the moment, but I try to keep a smile and help others to smile. If I can make someone happy and smile, it helps me out of my pit.

    I’m glad you are in a good place right now

  5. June

    We all have our share of darkness. Some are just too lucky to have learned how to illuminate them easily with joy. Some needs more encouragement and motivation. By sharing your darkness, you bring some sort of light for others see its existence and are encouraged to increase their illumination for a happier life and a better world. Thanks for being that light Paula! Hugs.

  6. Thank you for sharing this Paula.have nice day!

  7. Rohan 7 Things

    Thank you for sharing this Paula, very brave and important that others can read this and know they are not alone.

    Sending big hugs even though you’re feeling better 🙂

    Rohan.

    • And I shall take those hugs! 🙂 I think we should show all sides of who we are and not feel ashamed. Just landed in Melbourne for my step dads funeral tomorrow. Your book kept me company for part of the journey. Your book is travelling a lot with me lately! Hugs Paula xxxx

  8. Wonderful writing, Paula. Thanks for helping me to understand something about this debilitating illness. I’m glad you’re in a good place at the moment. Sending you lots of love and hugs. 🙂 xxxx

  9. Paula, you are a sweet and generous soul for sharing with the intent to encourage others. xo

    Blessings ~ Wendy

  10. You wrote this so very well Paula. I wasn’t worried, I think you’re on a self discovery right now, and you’re developing a better understanding of things when the dark sneaks in and how to approach them. I am very proud of you. It is difficult when there, because it hards to reach others or for them to reach you, so you’re words here are very wise and helpful to others who need to know they can make it through to the light too! Wonderful post my dear friend, with much affection, xxxx

    • Thank you, Penny. 🙂
      I think we all have many parts to out personalities.Its important talking about mental illness to show all sides so people get a better understanding of what someone goes through. Equally as important to encourage inspire and give hope. I hug you…Paula xxx

  11. Honesty is important!! You know what to do Paula- you are so strong Paula. Don’t beat yourself up if all the tools you know how to use are not working- sometimes you just need to relax into the darkness and not fight it. You are not the darkness. You are a beautiful person who brings so much light to the world.
    Sending a big hug.
    Rachel
    xxx

    • You are so beautiful, Rachel. 🙂
      And boy have you come along way since I first started following you. Positivity, love and hope are what you, myself and many other sufferers of mental illness need in our lives. We don’t need people to knock us down as we do enough of that ourselves.
      I hug you and thank you again. Hugs Paula xxx

  12. That darkness is where I want to be, it feels safe free from the pain of daily life. I just want to lay in bed under the covers and hide from life at times…The dark doesn’t seem like a bad place it seems safe and free of strife. The dark is where I can hide…..because sometimes the light is too much…

    • Oh Baby, I wish I could just hug you right now! I understand exactly what youre saying and that’s the bit I hate right now. It is safe in there, Ivonne. But its not realistic or sustainable! Life is and has thrown so much shit at you and yet you have always pulled through. You are one very strong woman, Ivonne. I admire your resilience! But, right now, I send you love and light!!! Love to you….hugs Paula xxxxxxxxoooooo

  13. Mari

    Where have you been? I have been searching for you and I am so glad I’ve found you! I’ve battled with depression for most of my life and I’ve yet to find someone who I feel understands what it’s truly like. I don’t talk about it much because it feels as though people who have not experienced it are too quick to give advice and tell me how I must remain positive and depression will just go away. But it’s so much more than that. Positive thinking does help but sometimes just breathing takes all the energy we’ve got left in times of darkness and our thinking seems to come and go in flashes. It truly does feel like you are drowning and no one can help you because they don’t know you’re drowning.

    Thank you for sharing this part of you with us! I will definitely be following you.

    Mari

    • Hello Mari!

      Nice to meet you. 🙂

      I definitely understand how you feel. Its not like you can just take a pill and your magically cured. Lots of people tend to think this and tell you its all in your mind. Well, it is! Lol. But not as trivial as they like to make it! Don’t live in silence Mari. This is what I did until one day the smiling on the outside stopped and I tried to take my own life.

      I was found…rushed to hospital and had my stomach pumped. I was lost in a dark world in my mind for so long. I force myself to find beauty everywhere…even when its not really there! Breathing does help. But, in the end its about finding a peace and acceptance within our selves. We haven’t failed, the road has just thrown some curve balls at us. 🙂

      Stay strong and ride the waves. Love and hugs Paula xx

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