Depression Exists

sad angel 1

Depression Exists:

Tonight I fell apart in a way I haven’t for ages and ages. At first I was really disappointed in myself… Then, I realised it’s okay to be sad.

I think I have been holding things in for sometime and maybe it was time to come out, and not eat me from the inside out. I’ve been down that road before and I never want to go down that road again.. For my sake, and for that of those who love me. My cat Sakura has felt my emotions and stayed close by me. I love how animals pick up on this and stay close by. It’s almost like having a guardian angel looking out for me. I hug her and instantly everything inside me starts to calm down.

Depression is something I know I live with but I’ve managed to keep it at bay. Being Bipolar I don’t feel exactly different from what someone would refer as “normal” (whatever that is anyway). But I can’t be silly and have to take responsibility for watching out for my moods. I mustn’t get too low or Depression wins the fight… And then the battle begins to see which one of us will defeat the other. Once Depression wins it’s an uphill battle with many obstacles placed in your way to get through it. One day those obstacles are nothing but once Depression wins… They are everything!

You all know by now I smile through everything. It’s been my way of coping my whole life. I felt if I didn’t smile I would crumble and get sucked into this huge Abyss. This is still true and that’s why I must keep smiling. But not a fake one… A real one, that tells me and the world that I’m okay. Really okay!

I’m not a confrontational person. I run from conflict and hate arguments with a passion. I’m not capable of winning them that’s why I avoid them. This is what’s half my problem, not being able to say how I truly feel. Nobody wants  to argue but some people are better at it than others. I am bad at it. Maybe this is my problem I run from things and don’t stand my ground. Maybe I should have been born an ostrich! Lol

Anyway, to those of you that helped me through this day… I thank you! 🙂

Hugs to you all Paula xxx


Filed under Fight Depression, My experiences, Thinking...

34 responses to “Depression Exists

  1. In depression, the odds are truly stacked against us. After your first major depressive episode, there is a 50%-60% chance of having a second episode and a 5-10% chance of developing bipolar I disorder. After the second episode, there is a 70% chance of having a third. After the third episode, there a 90% chance of having a fourth. The stats are downright depressing, right? But it sounds like you have a good awareness of yourself and know the signs to watch out for that will keep you from spiraling too quickly into despair. But if you do find yourself in that place, remember that every day, every moment, every second is an opportunity to redefine who we are and to make different choices. Ostriches are funny creatures, so they should never be depressed. Thank you for such a thoughtful post.

  2. You so made me smile about the Ostriches! 🙂 Thank you.
    Your comment is very informative and it sounds like you’re talking from experience. Again thank you for that.I read something that was beautiful and inspiring, but it was too close to the truth for me and I fell apart. Even today I have to watch myself as I don’t want to do that whole spiral thing. Choices are always a good thing and it’s up to us which way we turn. I will make sure I make the right one. I really appreciate your comment…Hugs Paula xxxx

  3. You are such a venerable soul, Paula! Well, I just came to know about from this post that you are a bipolar patient. May I tell you a random fact about me here? 😉 😀


    • Go ahead and tell! 🙂 I think you summed me up well. I’m Bipolar 2.
      Hugs Rahul….Paula xxx

      • I’m very much willing to experience such a dandy feeling via bipolar, Paula! In the real world, I do believe in the fact that you people are normal and people like us are abnormal in many of the aspects. 🙂

        PS: My mom is also a low level bipolar patient!


      • Haha! Your so kind and I’m sure you just made a heap of Bipolar people feel good about themselves. For that, I thank you! 🙂 hugs Rahul xxxx

  4. My sweet Paula…I feel you. I have hit the lowest of the lows a few times in my life and although these moments make you gasp for air I believe in the end they do make you stronger (provided you realize where you are going and you find one way or another to rise up again). Don’t be harsh on yourself. Breathe in, breathe out. Baby steps my friend, baby steps. A very big & strong hug for you xxx

    • I was just about to turn off the laptop when your name popped up. 🙂
      So glad I read what you wrote before going out. The breathing exercise really does work. I hug you right back and thank you for your lovely comment. Hugs Paula xxx

  5. melanietoulouse

    @”Maybe this is my problem I run from things and don’t stand my ground.”
    You may be right… 🙂 I do NOT believe in what we call in France “happiness pills”(prozac&co!), as depression is “un mal de vivre”(difficulty to live and to assume life), “the soul disease”(sic!), not a flu or an allergy that can be treated and cured… Psycho(soul)-therapy can and does help much more than all drugs whose side-effects are terrible most of the times…
    – – –
    My very best, take care and good luck! 🙂

  6. I hate confrontation too. I think it comes from being so sensitive- well, for me anyway. Any kind of negativity affects me profoundly, it goes so deep.

    You said it just right though- it is okay to be sad! I think the fact you come up with your own solutions is amazing! Not many people do that 😀

    Love & hugs- Rachel xxx

    • Hey Rachel. You and I are alike in many ways. Today I feel much better and refuse to let myself go down that road. Its like an internal fight going on inside my brain. One I have to win. You would understand what I’m talking about. Huge hug, Rachel….Paula xxx

  7. Sometimes one has to confront to make oneself stronger. Deep breaths as T has mentioned – step by it minute by minute ..hour by hour.. you are being challenged for a reason. You need to smile, your need to cry, you need to ‘speak’. I know what you are going through and I hug you and when the world is falling on top of you, I want you not to crumble but to stand and be strong and know that you are going through this to gain a stronger you in the end. {{Hugs and kisses}} xxx

  8. You sound as though you are very in-tune with yourself, Paula. I can’t possibly understand what you go through when you feel like this, but I CAN send you lots of love and BIG hugs. xx

    • For all those hugs, I thank you!! 🙂 Today I’m in a much healthier frame of mind. I sort of didn’t see this one coming, but maybe I should have. 🙂 Have a great weekend…Hugs Paula xxxx

  9. June

    Oh Paula! I’m so proud of you. I see so much of my self in you but don’t have the courage to voice out my thoughts about it and here you are graciously sharing it with a touch of optimism. You show such enviable empowerment that’s worth emulating by those who need more strength to face their problems. You open up your vulnerability yet neutralize it with your willpower to rise above your worries. I’ll just virtually stay beside you even just in silence to let you know that I’ll always look forward for your well-being. Virtual Hugs!

    • Juney, I love that you sat by me. 🙂 Sometimes that’s all we need. I don’t like showing when I fall down, but we are all human and half my problem is that I live in silence. This is what I don’t want my readers that suffer Depression to do. I want to show them that’s it’s okay to say you need help and are in a bad place. Because it empowers us and helps us move forward. I hug you and thank you for sitting by me…hugs Paula xxxxx

  10. Paula, I know your battle, personally. We are so afraid of being engulfed by the abysis that we avoid our sad feelings. But sometimes we just need to feel those sad feelings and release them into the ethers. It is that we somehow have to find a balnce between authentically feeling sad/bad about something and not getting swept away by the siren call of the abyss. NOt an easy task at all. So feel sad and then be glad that unlike the sociopaths of the world we have feelings and a heart. I love that picture–I think I might feel a poem coming through…..

    hugs and kisses and puppy kisses from my girls……

    ps who by the way are slowly destroying the home one piece of furniture at a time 🙂

    • Hugs back to you and all your beautiful babies. You also understand how it feels to fall down. But, like you I won’t stay down. We need to acknowledge what’s happening, deal with it and move forward. Depression is a killer if we let it take over our thoughts. BTW: I feel really good today. Have a great weekend. Hugs, Ivonne….Paula xxxx

  11. Forest So Green

    I just discovered your blog and wish you some peaceful moments.

  12. Keep smiling. Often the people who help others the most end up neglecting themselves. Let others help you for a change x

    • You are so lovely. Can you see me smiling? I am!! 🙂 I suppose even when you try to stay as positive as you can, there will still be days when it rains, right? I hug you and thank you….have a great weekend…Paula xxxxxx

  13. I appreciate you have the power to share your thoughts with us. I don’t. Whenever I see the signs, I start fighting them and this takes away all my energy. I would like to be able to write about how I feel in such moments, if not on the blog, on any white page, as a therapy but I simply can’t. Thank you for sharing your experiences, it is helpful for me reading about how you cope with your depression. I hope you are having a better day today 🙂

    • Hello Lavinia. 🙂 I once was so scared of opening up that one day I couldn’t cope anymore and tried to kill myself. This is harsh and open but it’s also the truth. This is why I blog and write, to help anyone that wants to listen and not feel alone. We shouldn’t hide and suffer in silence. Please don’t hide this side away. It’s okay to fall down as long as we pick ourselves back up and don’t beat ourselves up about it. You are so happy and have a beautiful spirit. I hear and feel it every time you write. Like me, you probably also hide behind that spirit. So when we fall…people don’t get it. I hope one day you feel you can express this side of you…I hug you heaps, Lavinia….Paula xxxxxxx

  14. Good on you for taking care of yourself. Some people don’t know how to agree to disagree and those are the ones I avoid arguing with. Mutual respect is a must for any conversation. Paula, I admire you for being respectful to everyone.

    Blessings ~ Wendy xo

    • Morning from Oz, Wendy-Lee! 🙂
      Arguing is horrible and hurtful. Who want’s to hurt anyone, right?
      Life can be tough enough without that. Hugs to you…Paula xxxx

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