Tonight I fell apart in a way I haven’t for ages and ages. At first I was really disappointed in myself… Then, I realised it’s okay to be sad.
I think I have been holding things in for sometime and maybe it was time to come out, and not eat me from the inside out. I’ve been down that road before and I never want to go down that road again.. For my sake, and for that of those who love me. My cat Sakura has felt my emotions and stayed close by me. I love how animals pick up on this and stay close by. It’s almost like having a guardian angel looking out for me. I hug her and instantly everything inside me starts to calm down.
Depression is something I know I live with but I’ve managed to keep it at bay. Being Bipolar I don’t feel exactly different from what someone would refer as “normal” (whatever that is anyway). But I can’t be silly and have to take responsibility for watching out for my moods. I mustn’t get too low or Depression wins the fight… And then the battle begins to see which one of us will defeat the other. Once Depression wins it’s an uphill battle with many obstacles placed in your way to get through it. One day those obstacles are nothing but once Depression wins… They are everything!
You all know by now I smile through everything. It’s been my way of coping my whole life. I felt if I didn’t smile I would crumble and get sucked into this huge Abyss. This is still true and that’s why I must keep smiling. But not a fake one… A real one, that tells me and the world that I’m okay. Really okay!
I’m not a confrontational person. I run from conflict and hate arguments with a passion. I’m not capable of winning them that’s why I avoid them. This is what’s half my problem, not being able to say how I truly feel. Nobody wants to argue but some people are better at it than others. I am bad at it. Maybe this is my problem I run from things and don’t stand my ground. Maybe I should have been born an ostrich! Lol
Anyway, to those of you that helped me through this day… I thank you! 🙂
Hugs to you all Paula xxx