What Now?

My Sister, My Mother and I

What is going on beneath the smile.

Do you ever sit there and just wonder what you’re supposed to be doing in life?

You have been the wife, the mother, the sister, the aunty… but what then???

When your life feels like it’s falling apart, who are we then? I suppose you’re always going to be the aunt/uncle, mother/father, sister/brother. But what when you’re no longer the wife/husband?

Where do you go from there and how do you get through this? My life has been amazing so far. I’ve travelled a lot and done and seen a lot of things that many people never get the opportunity to do. I’ve been happy and sad and all the normal things we feel in life. But what after divorce, what then? Leaving this part  behind you seems really daunting and strange. Your social life changes and the whole family dynamics alter. You are likely to upset many people in the process and of course, let’s not forget yourself and how hard this is for you too!

Just because you’re the one to walk away, does it make this process any easier? I don’t think so! In some ways it’s a lot harder. I was married at 20 which only lasted 1 year. That was due to terrible circumstances as I was raped just before getting married and I never got over it. But still, I felt I had failed my then husband. We stayed friends for years until I finally felt I could let him go. I had my 2 boys out of wed lock! I just couldn’t seem to get this stuff right!

This time I’ve been married for 13 years but been with my husband for 15 years. We have lived all that time in the same house. Even leaving this home is daunting. It’s a part of you that you nurtured and loved to make it your home for 15 years. It holds a tie all on it’s own. Trying to let go of this you feel like your’re  drowning and can’t come up for air. It’s not just a house…it’s your heart and soul! So many memories to turn your back on. You can stop this and not walk out, but sometimes life isn’t that simple. Something has changed in you and your partner. You try and fix it and remember all those memories that you have together. But for some reason, it’s still not enough. You stay together for the sake of so many people that will be affected, yet it’s almost too late. It feels strained and not normal. Why can’t you get through this and make it work, others do and have?

Maybe it was just left too late and you ignore the warning bells telling you to act quickly and do something as your marriage is in trouble. Life goes by and we throw band aids on marriage problems and file them into the “I’ll deal with them later” section! Problem is, you throw so many problems in there and forget to address them accordingly. It’s easier to just pretend they don’t exist. But they do and eventually they all catch up on you.

And by the time they do? It’s too late. When it’s over you just know and have a gut feeling, it’s too late and there’s no turning back. you now have to look to the future, whatever that may be.

So, I  don’t think it’s fair to start pointing fingers as you’ve both shared so much in that time, that it’s cruel to start a slinging match. You both think you’re in the right so basically there’s no point fighting over spilt milk.

So, we have to learn to start again and see what the universe has in store for us.

You leave sometimes saying you still love each other.. But then the divorce settlement comes and yip! You can barely look at each other! It’s a process and can take a long time to get over for both parties. There is so much to consider.

Will I love again and be happy, or was this it? You failed again and what if this was your last chance. The whole process is scary and unfamiliar. I just need to find inner strength to get me through this time. This is why I have been all over the place lately.

So a new life begins and I have to be ready for what ever comes my way. I will have to learn to embrace my new life and trust in myself and what I feel is meant to be.

Do you know how I’m feeling and have you been down this road before?

Hugs to you all……Paula xxx

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35 Comments

Filed under My experiences

35 responses to “What Now?

  1. Okay ….
    I was divorced after 13 years and I fell apart afterwards. How I didn’t start smoking again is beyond me. I contemplated suicide a couple of times, which you know. And the only reason I still talk to her is because of the kids. I did go self-destructive afterwards. I slept with people I shouldn’t have done, I did things I shouldn’t have done. I didn’t do things I should have done. I thought that getting the decree absolute would make me happy. In fact, it made me sad that a part of my life – 13 years – was gone. And all because she wanted to trade me in for a younger model.

    Your time is coming. And it is coming soon. You will have a happiness that you didn’t think was possible. You will be treated like a goddess. Embrace it. Don’t ask the why’s and wherefors. Accept the happiness when it comes to you.

    • Hi Alastair. Your world fell apart and somehow you managed to paste it back together. If I had a hat on I would take it off for you! I’m glad you made it through and I hope I too get through okay. When your the one leaving there’s a lot of guilty feelings.
      I hope all is okay with you as things sound not good? Hugs Paula xxx

      • You are leaving because you have no choice to do so. By doing so will bring a new chapter .. a happier chapter. I felt guilty after she left me. Sometimes I still do, wondering what I did wrong. Oh people will tell me that I did nothing wrong, but it doesn’t stop the feelings. You’ll get through to the other side.

        I’m a lot better than I have been over the past few days, thank you 🙂

  2. Trust in yourself. Trust in your choices and know that you are in the place in your life today that you are supposed to be in. That is how we learn and grow and are ready for what ever is next. Good things will come again with patience and self belief.

    Andrea ….hugs 🙂

    • Hi Andrea, what a great comment. I realize its a process and its not going to be easy. My fingers are crossed about the right choices. Enjoy the weekend! Hugs Paula xx

  3. Welcome home sweetheart. You will have many answers to this and in the affirmative I feel. Yes I was married for 19 years, the time had come on my part to say it’s done. Communication was scant and I ..well sometimes could be the biatch (I know you would never have thought that of mumsy) and I didn’t want to hurt him or ruin his life. I gave him an out, knowing in my heart he would be happier. Our divorce was amicable the girls were 11 and 15 at the time. You will leave behind memories and thoughts of what if’s and if only…. but they will pass. I was alone for a while then I started going on line and meeting people – some I wished I hadn’t! Then I met Mr. S- my life change, the friends I had when I was a ‘couple’ faded away – they weren’t true friends. The ones that remained were. Yes dynamics and pondering of how your life will be is a scary prospect..but far scarier staying in a relationship were you are not happy? Do NOT doubt yourself. Yes you will be lonely for a while possibly, you will have adjustments, but you will get another chance. Perhaps for now though stand up – shout that Mantra and look forward to the happiness you WILL find again. Find PAULA first before trying to seek happiness from others. Thoughts are with you (and you look beautiful in the photo). xxxxx You know where to find me if you want to chat more. xx

    • Hello Mumsy! It’s a process I hate already. Watching your partner and the distress they go through is really difficult too. There’s no easy answer, it’s all sad! As for finding myself… Who is Paula?? Lol I Sooo don’t know this one. Mumsy I’m tired already from process. The split was my fault and therefore everything feels a thousand times worse! I give you a big hug, Mumsy. …… Paula xxxx

  4. My dearest Paula, I am so sorry you are going threw a divorce. Yes, it is hard even if you want the divorce. It’s one of the most difficult things to go through in life. Yes, I have been there, yes I wanted the divorce and when my final papers came in the mail I felt like such a failure . In kaballa it is said that a divorce means that your soul mate is around the corner . I am still hopeful even twelve years after my divorce that I will meet the real love of my life that will love me too. I know that after you. Heal from this there is a wonderful person waiting for you. Me and all my girls send you love, hugs and kisses.

    Ivonne, missy, maddy and marly.

  5. welcome back, big sis 🙂 wow you looking fab 🙂 best wishes and prayers

    • My lovely little brother! How are you?
      Thank you for your wishes and prayers. I’ll take anything I can get right now! lol
      Thanks for saying I look good too. Why?? Because I’m feeling terrible about myself and you made me feel good! Chow your Big Sis xxxx

      • am fine and feeling great. Wish you an awesome life, bis sis. I wish I could do something to finish your depression. But I’m pleased that I could make you happy. Have awesome time

  6. Aww Paula I can’t say that I understand what you are going through but all my prayers are with you. I know you’ll make it through just keep faith alive. *hugs*

  7. Hi Paula, Life goes on, it does not end because of a divorce. I will keep you in my prayers. God Bless you all. Perpetua. I know you don’t believe in God, hope you don’t mind me saying a prayer.

    • Hey Perpetua, you can pray for me…. someone needs too! lol a lot worse has happened to many people in life and I just have to put it into perspective. Thank you for reminding me. Hugs Perpetua!!! ….. Xxxxxooo

  8. Hi Paula,

    Hugs from the snowy UK!!

    It sounds like you are already being very strong to me. And of course you will love and be loved again.

    Love Rachel
    xxx

    • Hi Rachel, thanks for the vote of confidence. I don’t feel very strong, I feel kind of lost. In time things will improve and this is what I’m looking forward to. Hope all is well in your world. Snowing?? How beautiful. Xxxx

  9. Paula, faith is not something outside of us. Faith is just knowing that somehow, from somewhere in us we will find the strength to take what ever comes our way one step at a time…not even a day—that’s a big chunk of time, especially for those of us who struggle with depression but one little step–one foot-one smile-one deep breath after the other—that is faith. And that is something that I know you already have.

    more love to you,

    Ivonne

  10. *sighs* … and I sigh not because of disappointment you know right? But because of the sadness and hurt that divorce brings with it.

    I was having this conversation recently with a friend. I was saying that I understand that divorce is sometimes needed…but make no mistake, it is never a “good” thing. It is not failure. Fault is there enough for all. I do not believe that ‘good’ can come from divorce … but I do believe that less ‘bad’ can be avoided.

    My thoughts are with you.

    As you move forward … find yourself first. As you replied to Mumsy …”who is Paula?” My reply is …find her. Love from others will come … but find it from within too. (Easy to say I know.)

    • Hello dear Katie!
      I agree its not a fun thing to go through for either party! Whether your the one to leave or be left its emotionally draining. Trying to remain friends is important, but not always possible. As for finding me…. This will be an interesting venture. I think I need to love me before I can truly love someone else. Enjoy the weekend Katiekins! Hugs xxxxxx

      • Aye on the last part for sure … you need to like…then love yourself. It sounds so trite…but tis true.

        And…an email is coming ok. I am behind. I wanted to say welcome back…but given the circumstances…gives you a hug instead.

        *huuuuugggg*

  11. Gentle hugs to you, Paula. I can remember how heart-wrenching my breakup with an older boyfriend I had had for over four years was. He was not good for me, and it took a long time to really make a clean break of it. Just when I felt the chains were finally broken, and he was still trying to talk me into continuing to see him I met my dear Ian ( the nice guy I’ve been married to for over 29 yrs ). Thankfully I was able to completely, with prayers, break off from the unhealthy relationship. Marrying the bad guy would have been a disaster!! Take your time and be kind to yourself dear one. What I mean by a “bad guy” is someone who does not accept or respect your core beliefs and person-hood.

    Blessings ~ Wendy xo

    • It’s so hard right now Wendy-Lee. I feel all over the place and are trying to put everything back into perspective. Life can be very challenging at times and now is one of those times. I’ve taken on worse and maybe the universe has a bigger plan for me. I have to have that faith you always talk about and believe in my own judgement. Glad to be back talking with you. Hugs Paula xxxxx

  12. I am so sorry to hear that you are going through something so difficult…I feel for you…I know marriage can be extremely difficult and sometimes the better option, is the way out. Don’t doubt yourself. You have the opportunity to rediscover yourself….Take one teeny, tiny step at a time. Don’t expect too much. Breathe in, breathe out. And remember you have a whole lot of friends here where you can pour your heart out! A big hug to you!xxx, T

    • I hug you and thank you for such kind words. To be honest i’m pretty lost actually. The whole breathing thing is so true and I’ll endevour to do this one. I think meditation is in order as well. Maybe this will help get the answers I need. Thank you again and I’m sure I’ll end up pouring my heart out to the world! lol
      xxxxx

  13. I was never married so I never had to go through a divorce. But what I have learned so far in life is that all endings are in fact new beginnings. Good luck to you 🙂

  14. Yes, and I have been down that road & it sucks!

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