Depression Exists (Part 3)

97_Crying Tears_Silva

Depression Exists!

Do you remember my Depression Exists post that mentioned Jon Rappoport’s view and how he felt that depression and mental illness did not exist? I don’t blame some of you for feeling angry and annoyed at his comments. I was deeply offended by them!

Depression and mental illnesses can be so debilitating, then to read an article like that… Well, let us just say that it can stir old and new emotions. But his post got me thinking about the day I planned to kill myself. *sorry* Stop reading if you’re not up to it!!

I had been thinking about suicide for a really long time. But, for argument’s sake, let’s just say I had  been surfing the net and come across his article at that pivotal moment in my life. I would have felt even worse thinking that nothing was wrong with me and that it was all in my head! I was already struggling with so many “What’s wrong with me? Why am I crying none stop in my head?” issues.

There was no light, only complete darkness. Smiling was easy; I’ve done it most of my life. But if you looked  into my eyes? I suppose nobody does that! But if they had, they would have seen the confusion and pain I was in. My mind was lost to some evil darkness that wanted to take me away. The pain I was going to cause my family was the only thing that stopped me.

Each day I woke and as the days went by I would think “Not today, because my son needs me for this, and then Not today, because he needs me for that?”.  Then the day came when darkness has taken you far away from reality. It’s won! Today WILL be the day! Waking up in the hospital is the biggest pain to bear. Having your family see you in that condition is horrendous. They cry and just want to hold you. You cry in shame and despair!….
Two years later this still brings tears to my eyes.

This man has NO idea what it’s like to suffer a deep depression!  It’s almost worse knowing the significant experiences that contributed to your mental state – abuse and rape are so debilitating to mental balance.

How can he say there’s no evidence to prove this! My God, when someone’s raping you and taking all your dignity away… How can you be left whole after such an experience? Depression ensues… And not the fictitious kind!

I became pregnant and as a result had the pregnancy terminated. You have no idea what that does to your mind and soul. Did I still have no right to be depressed?

Sexual abuse as a child became part of my life. I prayed to God to help me.  I don’t think I have forgiven him for never coming to my aid. Depression is REAL.  It cripples you, especially when life has been so cruel and hurtful. Depression Does Exist and don’t let anyone tell you it doesn’t!

I used to hunt the internet for anything and everything that was out there concerning Depression. I wanted an answer, any answer! I just needed to know that everything was going to be okay and others out there had been where I was right now and had survived!  The day I gave up, I asked God if he was real and listening.  I asked him to forgive me for what I was about to do to my family. I’ve said it before and Ivonne even put the words in a song called “I was bleeding tears”.

Suicidal thoughts did not just appear.  Deep depression had been mounting for months… And then years. When you make the decision there’s almost an eerie calmness that engulfs you; you feel relieved and saddened at the same time. You look around and see things differently. You see more detail in everything. At night I would lay in my bed look at the ceiling and tears would just stream down. My husband lay there sleeping, unaware of what I was going through. Suffering in silence is painful and SO wrong! It’s hard to face our demons but if we don’t, we lose and they win!

Because of this I’m really mindful these days what I post. Being Bipolar 2 and having Depression isn’t an excuse or reason for me to not try and enjoy my life as much as you or anyone else. Depression is like being in a really turbulent relationship. One day you’re flying high, next you have to walk on eggshells trying not to provoke a negative reaction from yourself.

I’ve decided that Depression has controlled me for too long now and that I want to take back control of my own life. I’ve come to realise that nothing will ever take away the pain and sadness that I sometimes have to deal with, but I can say that I refuse to be a victim any longer. Those that harmed me have won if I let another day go by living in the past! Physical and mental pain is so hard to let go of, but how can we move forward if we don’t. I want to live and put my past to rest!

Having Bipolar 2 I am also aware that I will have days where I am on this roller coaster ride of emotions that I have to learn to embrace. It’s me, I’m like you… But different. When I love? I love deeply. When I feel pain? I am crippled. When I laugh? I feel ecstatic. When I cry? You don’t see it! When I’m lost? It’s a dark and cold place. At times I’ll let you in, and at times I’ll shut you out.

I want to save the world, but I can’t. I want us all to be equal, but life say’s No! I want there to be no racism, but life says No! I don’t want a child to go to bed hungry, but all I can do is donate.. So yes, children will still go to bed hungry. Life isn’t fair, but I can only control my own destiny. I don’t care whether someones black or white. We are all one, aren’t we?

So, does depression Exist? Yes, it does! But we have to learn to let go of our pain and know that so many people love us and we just have to reach out for help. Don’t let depression win, fight as you would to keep someone you loved! Because at the end of the day, that someone is you! And you are worth loving!

If I could tell me Back Then what I have learnt since, it would be along the lines of …

Dear Me Just Over Two Years Ago:
If you’re reading this, firstly – I know you won’t respond. But you will be reading. Now listen up.
It’s a really fine line that you are walking between life and death. Please believe in yourself, don’t give up. However horrible the pain is,you can pull through. You have made it this far! You’re a lot stronger than you think.
Nothing will ever take away the sadness, hurt or pain that you are feeling, but through time or therapy you can slowly start the healing process. You’re beautiful and special in every way.  Don’t be or feel alone. Reach out! Call a crisis hotline and just cry into the phone!  They will support and guide you in the right direction, and that kind of support is invaluable.
I realise you’re feeling physically and mentally drained and that it really does feel like you simply can’t take anymore. But you’re wrong! Don’t leave those that love you. You really will hurt them deeply and scar them for life.
If I could jump through the screen right now, I would.  I would just hold you and let you know that everything will be alright. Please don’t give up. Fight. Believe in your God if that helps. Talk to him. Talk to someone. Reach out.

Let’s try to let go of the pain and start a new beginning in 2013.

Paula xxxx

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Filed under Fight Depression, My experiences, What irks me

36 responses to “Depression Exists (Part 3)

  1. Michael

    Superb. Thanks for sharing and see you in your next posting.

  2. awwwwwwwwwwwwwww thats my girl. Huge hugs from lil bro.

  3. . Thanks for sharing and see you in your next posting.

  4. Jim Kendall

    What if he’s right? What if the mental-nuerological disorders are just untested, observable behaviors? What if psychiatrists, et al, have promoted these conditions for inscrutable reasons and we, who are looking for answers which fit our state of mind, simply believe it? We believe because we are not medical experts and live our lives according to what the experts tell us. And we do live according to what others tells us in various states of wilfull compliance.

    I’ve had my share of depression coupled with suicidal thoughts, but when I objectively examine why I felt these things there was a reason for it. It was a condition I brought upon myself because of something which affected my perceived happiness and not a chemical imbalance in the brain. In fact, most times the reasons were ridiculous, childish, selfish, and an event which affected my happiness. In other words, I didn’t get what I want and instead of dealing with it I labeled it. The label was easier than facing the uncertainity.

    The pursuit of happiness is certainly the most unfulfilling, futile pursuit. A big waste of time and life.

    Aside from the futile pursuit of happiness, I wonder if the vaccines and other chemicals injected in my body over the years could be the cause for my depression episodes. If depression is a chemical imbalance what was introduced in my body to make it uneven? My wife took a prescription which resulted in causing unprovoked, panic attacks. The panic attacks were the result of introducing a chemical into her body, Presently, she must cope with it using a different prescription.

    Are we offended by Rappoport because if what he has invesigated is true, then we have been lied to about the causes of depression? Would that not be the greater offense?

    Lastly, is our depression something we are just used to experiencing? Has it become part of our personality and we can’t let it go? What if we sat in the quiet of our rooms, and thought way back to the first time we experienced depression and it was nothing more than an event which robbed us of our happiness? And it has been robbing us of our happiness ever since because we just can’t let it go. Instead, if Rappoport is right, we have simply filled the pocketbooks of the experts. Experts who themselves are just as duped as the rest of us.

    That’s what I did. I was holding onto something from my childhood which affected my state of mind for years. Once I faced it, admitted it, and it was uncomfortable facing myself, the depression left.

    It’s just something to objectively consider.

    • Hi Jim! Thanks heap for the re-blog and your thoughts! I believe it does exists. But like you… in the back of my mind I’m always wandering? What if things had been different in my life? My aunty is bipolar 1 and her brother suffers severe depression, so who knows? Regardless your right about taking responsibility for my own happiness. I will soon learn how life will treat me… by facing acknowledging and freeing myself from all that holds me back. It’s a journey and one I hope I win! Thank you again! ……Paula x

  5. Jim Kendall

    Reblogged this on Reblog Junk Drawer.

  6. Jim Kendall

    Great blog.

  7. Okay … My point of view ….
    You asked God for forgiveness for what you were about to do to your family … he refused so didn’t let you die. Why did he allow you to go through everything you had? I don’t know. I really can’t answer. /I know people say that you are not given more than you can handle, but things like that you shouldn’t HAVE to handle.
    …end of my point of view …..

    When I was going to kill myself, I had already planned what I was going to do. I take loads of painkillers every day, so taking a weeks worth in one go should do the trick. Then there was a bump upstairs and it was one of my kids moving. I couldn’t do it. Yes I have had thoughts since then .. the most recent one was just over two years ago … but I look at it now … my kids need me. I need my kids.

    I was suicidal the first time because my ex-wife (we were only separated at that time) had cheated on me (again) then traded me in for a younger model. A little while after that, I was told by someone that I should try again and they would make sure I succeeded. The second time was because of the hell I had put my kids through. Depression exists, In a huge … mega … big way. Once you have it, it is difficult to ever fully get rid of.

    I am glad you are on here, and I am glad you talk to people and aren’t scared of posting these blogs. I imagine your posts have given people hope.

    Thank you for the work you do here Paula

    • Dear Alastair! Huge hug for you for opening up like that. The fact I didn’t die… Is a miracle in itself. People like yourself who do believe in god, give me their strength and love… For that I’m grateful! People have a tendancy to think the grass is always greener on the other side. She lost you and that’s her mistake… I’m so happy that you lived and your kids have the person they love more than anything in the world? You!!! Hugs Alastair. ……. Paula xx

      • Thank you … I only started to realise there was a god a couple of weeks ago when I prayed for a miracle with my mum’s cancer and I got one. That and a few tests I did that had “coincidences” attached.

        My kids are happier with me than they are with their mother which makes me happy. They go to see her regularly, but they are choosing to go less and less.

      • As my son got older…he did the same thing! Xx

  8. June

    Yes I believe depression exists and through your previous post, I followed Mr. Rappoport’s blog just so I’d understand his perspective but so far I see that he’s against the methods or the so-called system in Psychiatry and he made some good points on that but he didn’t disprove that mental illnesses do not exist.
    I was even even wondering why I’ve read somewhere from his writings that nutrition is better than drugs. Why bother having good nutrition for a good mental state if he doesn’t believe mental illnesses exist?
    So all in all, I still believe depression exists and that we still have a long way in expanding our knowledge and means in combating it other than drugs. Just my thought.
    Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experience, and having the courage to tackle a sensitive matter that requires more attention than entertainment stuff.

    • Thanks heaps for your comment. It’s a subject that affects millions of people world wide! I’m not always right… it’s just my perspective as he’s entitled to his! I often wander if life had been different… would I still have being diagnosed with so many illnesses? The mind ponders!! Hugs for speaking out. ……..Paula xxx

  9. First … *HUUUUUGGGSSS*

    Now, from the friendship we have forged I know some of what you have gone though … and I see as time goes by how you are learning to win the battle with depression.

    Your past and experiences are vastly different from mine … and the way you handled the depression (the bad ways) are also vastly different from mine as well … but we both know of it … and struggle with it.

    What is true of both of us…is that we are working towards a better US. We can try to help others … tell them of the type of help that is available … we can reach out and comfort. And all of those are good things. But I will admit … the selfish part of me is happy that I am a LOT better and can say … I am okay … and that you are better too.

    Huuggers again Paula.

    • That’s not selfish Katiekins! It’s what we are all aiming for… To be happy and free within our hearts again. To love ourselves ( not in a vein way) a way that makes us feel whole again! As my friend… I love you dearly. Hugs Paula xx

  10. Paula, this brought tears to my eyes as I read this because I have been there. I have been in that dark abyssis where the pain is so great that hope seems impossilbe. I too have thought about suicide on many occasions. It was my two doggies that kept me from doing “it” for the longest time. But then a day comes when nothing matters and you no longer seem to have reasons to hold on. A couple of years ago I home by myself on the computer and eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich. Well, I have a weak esaphagus (sp?) and I started choking. I thought this was it. I am going to die. I could not breathe. I could not dislodge it and I live alone. My dog was looking at me like I was crazy–she was confused. I got up from my desk and started towards the door hoping I could make it to a neighbor before I blacked out. Somehow as I got to the door as I was able to dislodge that piece of pb & j. The amazing thing about that night was that I chose to live. I could have quietly sat down or laid down and I would have been dead in five minutes from lack of air. But I didn’t I fought to live. I don’t know why I fought. What I have come to accept is that even though there is a part of me that often wants to die apparently there is another part of me that wants to live. Because of that I am here today writing this, but yes I have been in the dark abyss.


    • I feel like you…I want to live and move forward with my life, what ever direction it takes me! I’ve choked once on a chicken bone and thank goodness my brother saved the day! I was scared like you as your brain is screaming for someone to help you…but no words get out..only tears streaming down your face! I’m glad you chose to live and that your dealing with your past! 🙂 It sounds like you adore your dogs like I adore Sakura (my cat) Really appreciate your honesty and openness, as it’s not an easy thing to talk about! hugs lovely lady!!! xxxxx

  11. this article is nicely written thanks for sharing with us.

  12. I am just giving you major hugs from Melbourne – for once again your courage to bare it all with a raw, emotional and informative post. No more comment needed from me. xxxooxx

  13. ruineshumaines1988

    Great post Paula, it was very inspirational especially sharing the experience of wanting to end everything. Suicidal thoughts have always gone through my head but I always tell myself that’s not the way to go out, too many people would be left hurt than its even worth. It not only hurts others but will eliminate any possibility of getting better or improving because once your dead that’s it! As for Jon Rappoport’s view on mental illness I thought it was extremely ignorant to say such a thing. Depression can debilitate you and unless you’ve experienced it yourself you can never truly understand what its like. Depression is real.

    • Hi Andrew! *waving* I know you understand where I’m coming from. I was lucky to have not experienced bullying… like you do did! I’m sorry you have such bad memories of school. Thanks for your openness and here’s a huge hug for you!!! ………..Paula x

  14. I am just giving you major hugs from maxima blog and I went to sleep

  15. Here’s for you… brave, courageous you… I won’t feel sad, I am happy for you for being strong and taking control of your depression and not letting it take control of you. 2 years ago you would have agreed in the letter.

    You can always encounter it, but it never stays, so be patient, let out here if you want to. You are strong, and that’s what is in your heart, and not your head.

    I said that before and I’ll say it again: Life is a strong current, you go with it and not against it, it’ll break you… keep moving forward, you know what’s waiting for you soon after all 😉

    • Morning Amin! Thanks for the lovely comment and words of encouragement!
      Things have changed and I’m changing with them, which is a good thing! Before my world fell apart 2 years ago… No one saw how I truly felt about anything. Life was just life and I kept smiling. I believe this was the best way of moving forward, but somehow I fell back! Never again. 🙂 Hugs Paula x

  16. Oh Paula, your “Dear Me” letter is absolutely awesome! This is just what people in despair need to read. Bless you for reaching out to others with your kind and generous heart!

    Hugs ~ Wendy xo

    • Thank you Wendy-Lee! I love your comments and all the blessing you give me. 🙂 Hope your not too cold? Still, imagine nice warm drinks sitting around the fire! This is how I imagined your living right now! Night dear Wendy!! Hugs from me to you! ……Paula xxx

  17. Depression Hurts and you have written it so eloquently in fine details. It cannot be cured but it can be managed. I am talking through experience. Don’t want to die but I did try. Help is always there, thank goodness. Thank you for sharing. God Bless.

    • Hi and thanks for your honesty!
      Help is always there we just have to reach out and grab it. 🙂 Thanks for commenting and I hope 2013 has started out well for you! Hugs
      Paula xx

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