If you read my recent post on ANN, you could have been left with the thought that my mum is, excuse the French, a bitch!
After everything that happened that day, my relationship with my mum went from bad to worse. I would scream hate at her, call her a bitch and basically cried most days.
However, years ago I forgave my mum and I now absolutely love and adore her. If anything happened to her I would be devastated. As I got older I realised she only did what she thought was right.
You can’t change the past! But you can make sure none of these things ever happen to you again, and you learn by yours and their mistakes.
The following things are what happened next……..
Eventually my mum couldn’t take it and I went to live with my dad. Which was difficult as he had a girlfriend, and didn’t really want me to be there. In saying that, he still was incredibly supportive of me and managed to get me out of school. After my breakdown there just wasn’t the same girl left behind. Trying to concentrate on learning was impossible. All I would do is cry! My dad absolutely hated the man that abused me, and that’s why he wanted me away from my mum in those days.
Leaving school at 14 was my saving grace! Working at Woolworths didn’t involve using my brain, so it was the perfect place to be. Slowly I became happier and happier. I absolutely loved working, it was better than being at school. Like all teenage girls, my money went on buying clothes:)
My clothes became a way to express myself. I would buy 2 pairs of white shoes, and paint 1 blue,1 pink,1 purple,1 yellow. Then I would wear 1 yellow feather earring and 1 blue bird earring etc etc etc. My clothes became more and more colorful. Cindy Lauper was my idol – remember, it was the 80’s:)
After a few months I was reinvented to this happy-go-lucky girl. God I was happy! Then I went to live with an aunty of mine (not biological), as my dad went away to work. She was so kind to me and I loved her very much. (She died 2 years ago.) Then my mum came to see me at work and told me she was going to make me come home to live with her.
No way did I want to do that! so I left my job:( which upset me heaps at the time. The only way I could think to not be made to go back with mum was to go up North and live with her sister.
Which I did. But not knowing what my future was about to become, I thought again how lucky I was and how happy I was to be there.
Working in a chinese restaurant was great fun. The sun was shining everyday. It was like heaven! I had a boyfriend who I couldn’t wait to see everyday, and everyone treated me like an adult and I loved it.
But, the peace didn’t last. My boss pestered me to sleep with him or he would fire me. Being young and so happy I really didn’t want to lose my job, so foolishly I relented and slept with him. He said it would only be once, but of course that wasn’t true. I felt sick every time, but that’s how much of a screwed up kid I was. Like I said, I just wanted to keep my job. Now I would kick him in the balls and tell him to stick his job, and would tell his wife. That’s now. I was only 15 then.
So I had gone from incredibly happy, to someone who had to lie to cover myself all the time.
Then the worst abuse ever happened, and went on for 5 years. It’s one I can’t talk about, even after all these years.
That’s when I learned to hide my true feelings and smile all the time, no matter what life threw at me. If not, I would have died a long time ago!
Music is the key to my soul.
This song is in honour of my aunty.
ANGEL By Sarah McLachlan