ANN

Depression Exists Ann as a reflection of me

Depression Exists Ann as a reflection of me

It was early in the morning and I had just turned off the shower when I heard my mum call me into her room. I put a towel around me and went in to see her. I couldn’t believe it!  The last person I wanted to see dressed like that, was the man that had abused me.

He started  saying “tell your mum I only did this to you, and that to you; I didn’t do this”.

God, here’s the man that told me at 10 years old that no one would believe me if I said what he did to me. That I would get into trouble for lying, and it was our secret. WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING HERE!

Mum and him were yelling at each other – and me! Mum was yelling for me to say exactly what he had done to me. Are they kidding me! I’m this 13 yr old, who’s had a nervous breakdown as a result of my abuse, and is in therapy trying to get my head together. Now? she wants me to say what he did to me? NO WAY, NOT NOW – NOT EVER, IT’S TOO LATE, THE DAMAGE IS DONE!

I’M BROKEN AND NOTHING WILL EVER BE THE SAME.

I froze, and yelled to them that he had done nothing and to leave me alone. I was so scared that I started to shake, and went to my room crying. Hearing them talk about what he did and didn’t do to me made me feel sick inside. I just wanted to crawl into a hole and die.

Mum called me back and said I had to tell exactly what went on. Feeling like I was going insane in my head! I just told her to leave it, and  I wasn’t going to say anything if they went to court.

SO… I GO BACK INTO MY ROOM CRYING, AND HATING THE WORLD!

He insisted that my mum come to lunch with the rest of the family as his wife was suspicious as to why he took off from their house after my aunty had rung him so early in the morning.

What I didn’t know was that his sister had rung early in the morning to tell him that my mum was going to press charges against him. So he got in his car and drove to our house, to plead with my mum.

Why now? Why not years ago? Who will benefit from this? Not me! I’m still terrified and seeing a psychiatrist. I can barely get through one day without wanting to commit suicide.

How can I go to court? I’m a kid, where were you all when it mattered the most?

So for whatever reason that day, my mum made me go to their house for lunch. I don’t know a more sadder day, than that day.

Everyone was talking and laughing and I was in their lounge room rocking and crying. My aunty said to someone in the other room, that it must be hard for my mum to have a daughter like me crying all the time, and that I was after attention.

OMG! My abuser’s wife is saying that I’m an attention seeker. I thought, what the hell’s wrong with this world! She has no idea that all this crying is over her husband.  I wondered if anyone cared how I felt, and then I realised no-one did. I was alone, confused, and dying inside.

THAT WAS IT. THE DAY I INVENTED ANN!

The tv was off, but I was crying and rocking while looking into it, when I saw this girl playing and laughing, so I started to pretend that I too was in there with her. Something happened that day that made me feel really comfortable pretending that this friend really existed. Any time from that day onwards, whenever I felt scared or alone, She would always be there.

The psychiatrist I was seeing  told me that I invented her under stress and that she would go away.

Well I’m 44  and she never really has gone away. Everything bad I ever did, I blamed on ANN.

I’ve never been diagnosed with schizophrenia. Now I’m sure you’re thinking that maybe I should have!  There’s this song that Evanescence sings called  MY IMMORTAL, every time I hear it I think of me and ANN.

At some stage I will write more about ANN…

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13 Comments

Filed under My experiences

13 responses to “ANN

  1. That’s a sad story, Paula. I guess we can never chose what we get to experience and when. I know little of you and so far what I know is pleasant, the you now is cool and I really like her.
    Life goes on… I should have placed a penny with that because I’m sure if you are wealthy it would be because of ppl saying that. 🙂 but nonetheless, it’s true. You may think you are not normal because of that, but honestly now… what’s normal?? I’d rather be abnormal everyday of the week, someone original, defined by my experiences, no matter how bad they were.
    You are strong, so stay strong. Ann is a persona, we all have many, you just gave a name to one of them 😉
    Why you named her Ann by the way?

    • I didn’t expect a comment on this one. 🙂
      Luckily for me I only have Ann. God forbid if I had more of me. My doctor/ shrink tells me also, that from these experiences… even though some are bad! They helped me become the person I am today! And yes, I think over all I’m a good person. Feels strange saying something nice about yourself! Lol …… Paula x

  2. Pingback: Fear and Ann | depressionexists

  3. I’m so sorry you had to go through all of this. It is inspiring to see the positive, loving person you have grown to be despite these experiences.

  4. You’re a very strong person to be able to get through all that and be the person you are today. I’m happy I got to know you, even without an actual meeting. I hope you continue to inspire more people. 🙂

  5. I am glad you are seeking help, Paula. And I am sorry what you have gone through. What came up to mind about Ann is about disassociation. Have you heard about this? When I became sick, I read the book of Brilliant Madness by Patty Duke. Not once but over and over again. It’s an autobiography with notes from her doctor. I always recommended this book to people with “mental disorder”. God I hate that clinical term. Anyway, stay positive and if Ann is helping you, keep her for the rest of your lovely life. x0x Perpetua. _/\_

    • Thanks, Perpetua! She really is and I need her s much as she needs me. I’m glad you see how she came about! The good thing is we/I have a good heart. As for mental illness?? It’s just a label and we are so much more than that! As for text books…that’s all they are. Hugs you….Paula xxx

  6. Paula, thank you for sharing this story, it does help to talk about what he did, even at 44 its not too old. I am also 44 and just months ago gave testimony against may father who abused my sisters and myself. I couldn’t believe how hard it was but it was well worth it. The police believed me, they understood my pain and they helped me believe it wasn’t my fault. I was also 10 when it started, and it does not matter what he did or did not do to you, he violated you in some way and he was in the wrong. He was the adult, you were a child. Never forget that what he did was wrong, it was nothing you did – I’m sure Ann understands.

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