Meltdown

“You don’t control depression, depression controls you”
These words echoed through my head, ringing like the bells of London; I couldn’t escape them, I could not escape this reality. I hate the shot, but wanting to be truthful.

In the Hospital

This is what happens to a person that can’t admit they need help, I had been struggling internally for years, I was screaming on the inside for someone to see the real me; the sad, lost and confused me.
The little girl inside was crying non-stop, screaming for help, I would be in a room full of people; yet I felt completely alone.

I tried buying things that i thought would make me happy and doing things that i thought would make me happy, but nothing worked, it was all a temporary fix. What do you do when you’ve lost the will to live?

Trying to get by day to day and nobody know whats really going on in your head ,was difficult.
I started drinking heavily and uped my sleeping pills (Temazepam).
Sleep was my only escape!

I didn’t look like this; I smiled, I laughed and I joked.
I had learned from the age of 10 yrs old to hide my true feelings, then one day, 2 years ago in August, my son showed me a painting his friend had created, instantly I felt like someone had ripped my heart out and stripped through all the layers, and saw the real me.
I had been exposed!

When I was alone, I broke down crying; I wanted and needed to buy that painting, I became obsessed with it – it was me, and I was it, someone else could actually see  little Paula crying inside.
I was finally free.  
A great pressure had been lifted of me, even though I felt incredible sadness, I also felt incredible relief and I could breath again.

The artist had captured me, even though it wasn’t painted of me it didn’t matter, it was all the same.
I was already breaking, but somehow kept it all hidden until that painting.

My son was in the U.K,  and I decided that now was the time to end my suffering.
I  went onto My Heritage.com and put a family tree together for future generations, went to my doctor and increased the amount of sleeping pills I needed.
Sadly, it’s not hard to do once you’ve built up a trusting relationship with your doctor, a relationship built around lies.

I spent excessive amounts of time with my eldest son and his family.
I saw my family at a nephew’s birthday party, and it was there that I decided that was going to be my last goodbye.
I hugged them all, laughed, joked and listened intently to everything they had to say. I knew it would be the last time I would hear them all laugh and joke with me and I couldn’t get enough of them.
I wondered if anyone saw anything different about me that day, but nobody had said anything.

Okay its time, I drank 1/2 bottle of Bourbon, and took 75 Temazepam tablets.
My husband went to sleep unsuspecting, so I got up, wrote a suicide note to them all asking them to forgive me and letting them know how much I loved them and the pain I had endured.
I cried as I wrote the words and let them know that nobody could have prevented this.
My beautiful boys, what have I done, what am I about to do to your world.

I was lost, completely alone and nothing would have stopped this from happening.
If it wasn’t today it would just be another, I got into bed and closed me eyes.

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4 Comments

Filed under My experiences

4 responses to “Meltdown

  1. I look at the date you wrote this…I have known you now for several weeks … and I read this about 2 or 3 weeks ago I think … it still breaks my heart….I am struggling not to cry as I read this…

    I am so sorry you had gone though this…

    and…I am glad you are still here. And that I am getting to know you.

  2. Thank you Katie.
    When in the grips of hell!!..I realized we must have a soul!
    Why?
    because I felt nothing!!! I couldn’t even relate to my own children or family members.. It was like looking through pillars into empty space.*smiling* I would plead with myself to give me strength! some might say I was asking God to help me..But I don’t believe in him!!
    He deserted me a long time ago!!!!!
    So when I started to come back to reality, I could feel so many emotions and I knew something inside me came back and gave me strength.*smiles* to want to fight again! I had Lost my soul and now I was getting it back.
    Before this experience I didn’t believe in such things! xx

  3. My sweet {{{Paula}}}. I am so glad you are still here on this world. We are both survivors. I’m glad that you are getting all the help that you need. It’s ok to be mad at God and it’s ok if you don’t believe in God. What’s ok you are here alive. Good Morning. Love your honesty. Perpetua.

    • Hey you!! Thanks and I agree at least we survived. My marriage is up in the air, that’s whats going on. This is an old post and therefore can say. Don’t want the whole world to know. Maybe I can work things out…one can only try,right? Hope you had a great weekend! Hugs Paula xx

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